Back in the Burbs by Tracy Wolff
Chapter Twenty-Two
As the gate closes behind us and I settle back into the hard metal patio chair, the loss of Nick’s warmth and strength is immediate. The cold seeps into my bones so fast, I shiver.
There is a part of me that wants to ask Nick what the hell just happened. There is another, bigger part that knows I should thank him. But then there is the biggest part—the one that is still reeling from everything. Everything I just found out. And that part wins.
My shoulders sag in defeat. I wanted to be a mother my entire adult life. I mean, yes, for a long time, I also wanted to be an attorney, but even then I wanted to be a mom, too. A mom like my aunt Maggie would have been, not my own mom. Fun and loving and full of life.
All those years with Karl, I let that dream fall by the wayside because he seemed so sure he didn’t want to start a family yet.
Except that was obviously not true. It wasn’t that he didn’t want kids; he just didn’t want them with me.
Could I possibly, possibly have been a bigger fool? I really don’t think so.
I am aware, in a very vague way, of something cold being pressed against my hand. I look down and am a little surprised to see my wineglass from earlier resting against my palm.
“Thank you.” I don’t know if I’m thanking him for standing up to Karl or for taking care of me or for handing me my wine. Maybe all three.
Either way, Nick doesn’t exactly seem inclined to ask me what I’m thanking him for. Instead, he just kind of nods before awkwardly sticking his hands in his suit pants pockets.
I can’t believe this. I just can’t believe this.
I know I should be grateful that I don’t have a kid with Karl, that I don’t have to try to co-parent through what looks like it’s going to be an incredibly contentious divorce.
But I’ll be grateful tomorrow. Tonight…tonight, I just want to grieve.
For what was and for what could have been if I’d just been a little bit stronger. If I’d just walked away all those years ago.
I gave away my youth, my hopes, my dreams to a man who would never appreciate the… I start to think sacrifice, but that isn’t right. Because at the time, I didn’t view it as a sacrifice. I willingly gave him everything he wanted, and when he didn’t seem fulfilled, I gave him more. I convinced myself if I just kept giving, eventually he would be satisfied. Eventually, he would love me enough to fill the gaping hole in our marriage that I couldn’t fill by myself.
“Mallory,” Nick says, still standing beside the table and obviously unsure whether to sit or sprint home as fast as he can. “I don’t know what to say.”
I laugh, a strange, broken sound that makes my ears hurt. “Then we’re even, because I don’t know what to feel.”
His big hand comes down on my shoulder. “What can I do?”
“You’ve already done far more than anyone else in my life ever has. Thank you.” I let out a shaky breath that’s already thick with unshed tears. “But right now, I need to soak my ovaries in wine. Alone.”
Nick gives my shoulder a squeeze and nods. “Absolutely.” But instead of walking out the gate, he walks into the house.
I know I should follow him, but I don’t have the energy right now. I don’t have the energy to talk, to think. Hell, if I’m honest, I don’t even have the energy to be. Keeping my heart beating and my lungs filled with oxygen seems like too much effort.
Nick comes back a minute later with another bottle of wine. He opens it in silence, then leaves it on the table next to me.
“I’m across the street if you need me.”
I nod, even as I answer, “I won’t.”
“I know.”
I close my eyes and rest my head on the edge of the table as I breathe. I just breathe.
I don’t know how long I sit there like that, just trying to survive the pain and the regret ravaging my soul with razor-tipped claws.
Long enough for night to settle around me completely.
Long enough for the still-unfamiliar sounds of the neighborhood to quiet down.
More than long enough for the pain to change to ice-cold rage. Ice-cold resolve.
When I finally open my eyes and lift my head, Nick is long gone, just as I thought he would be. I reach for the glass of wine I poured a lifetime ago and drain it in one long gulp.
A lot of people might have condemned Nick for leaving me alone when I’m this messed up, but not me. It’s been a lot of years since someone listened to a decision I made without questioning it or ignoring it. Nick not only listened to what I wanted, but he respected me enough to give it to me without question.
Right now, I think it’s probably the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.