Jaden by Tijan

CHAPTER FOUR

Once the excitement of having Bryce and Corrigan there had waned, the realization they were both there . . . at the same time . . . in the same room, filtered in and awkwardness ensued. Holy crap. The last few months had been tense anyway, but the last real communication with them had been when Bryce kissed me, and I left to cuddle with Corrigan in his hospital bed. I’d been on lockdown from almost everyone, and the times when I talked to Bryce or Corrigan hadn’t been about us. Grace. Corrigan’s health. Bryce’s soccer training. Those had been the conversation topics, and now, well, everyone knew the new turn in Grace’s murder investigation. Call me foolish, but I didn’t want to talk about it the first night they got there. What that left was what was going on among all of us and glancing at each of them, seeing the clenched jaw, fisted hands, tight shoulders, I knew they weren’t eager either.

“Well.” This was lovely. “Guys, want to get drunk and watch a movie?”

“Yes.”

“God yes.” Bryce groaned.

We headed for the basement. When I showed them the movie theater, Corrigan’s eyebrows went up. “Sheldon, this is a real theater.”

I nodded. “My dad’s rich.” I paused. “Really rich.”

The screen was mounted on one entire wall with leather couches set up in eight rows. Each end of the couch had a chair that lounged back and placeholders between the couches for drinks and snacks. Opening a cupboard, blankets were folded and piled high. I gestured to them. “If you guys get cold.” Then I indicated a set of closed closet doors in the back of the room. Opening them, a bar was exposed with glasses hanging on the wall, and a good selection of beer and alcohol stored below in the refrigerator. Blue lights displayed the bar, so if the room was dark, we could still see what alcohol we were grabbing and pouring.

Corrigan laughed. “I’ve never been a huge fan of your dad’s, but I think I now have a Neil Crush. Shit, Sheldon. I see where you get your love for booze.”

Bryce chuckled. “We’ve always known. Half the time we got drunk, it was from her dad’s liquor cabinet.”

Um. I looked down. Half the time Bryce and I had gotten drunk, it was from my dad’s liquor cabinet . . . not Corrigan. Those had also been the times we ended the night in bed and some of the times during the afternoon, too. I kept quiet. I wasn’t going to clarify that for them.

Corrigan did, though. He barked out an abrupt laugh. “Right. That must’ve been your time together, the two of you. I know I usually brought my own alcohol over.” He turned to me, pinning me in place with his gaze. “Or we got booze from The Café Diner. That was our tradition, apparently.”

Bryce was quiet, and I had to admit I was relieved. Clapping my hands together, I looked around for the remote. “Well, then. How about a horror film?” I laughed. “It’d be appropriate for us.”

I said it, and then I waited. My heart dropped. The joke wasn’t a good one, and when I only heard silence from them, I knew they agreed. I shrugged. “What? Not even a pity laugh?”

Corrigan pressed his lips together and turned away.

Bryce shook his head, sighing. “Are you serious?”

“Come on. It’s fucking awkward right now.”

Corrigan looked back. “Yeah, guess whose fault that is? Not him or me. I know that much.”

Bryce jerked his head up and down, and as the two were now standing next to each other, both turned toward me, waiting for my response, I didn’t like this image. They were gorgeous. Bryce’s jet-black hair had grown out, but not much. He had it spiked up, while Corrigan’s hair had a little curl in it. Bryce was wearing a black shirt and jeans, and Corrigan had on a white polo over jeans. Both of them were lean with an athletic build, but Bryce had more definition. His soccer training had built his body into a machine that was for speed and strength, but he was so damn alert. His eyes were clear and focused solely on me, while Corrigan had a hurtful glint in his. However, they were still waiting for my response as I continued to stand and admire them.

In that moment, I felt like it was them versus me. Fuck me. I’d lose if that were the case. Rolling my shoulders back, I lifted my chin. “What?”

A wall slid over Corrigan’s face, and Bryce rolled his eyes. He muttered, “Are you kidding me?”

“Look,” I started, “I don’t want to talk about it.” I gestured around the room. “You’re here. I hate my dad, but his place is kick-ass. Can we put on a movie and forget about real life for two hours?”

“No.”

Corrigan muttered, “That’ll make it more awkward.”

“I’m not enjoying this conversation.”

“Are you supposed to?” Bryce shot back at me.

I was startled by the fierceness in his tone and saw that Corrigan seemed to agree with him. Both were staring back at me with heated expressions.

“No.” I took a breath, readying myself. This conversation was going to happen. “Okay. Fine. I don’t know what to say. Nothing’s changed.”

They glanced at each other, and Corrigan said, “I think we just want to know what page we’re all on.”

I loved them both. That was the page, but I said, “You never shared your page with me, so I have no idea.”

Bryce backed up a step.

Corrigan frowned. “And I said I didn’t want to say anything until you—”

“Just fucking tell her,” Bryce cut in. His shoulders were so rigid. “He loves you. I love you. And you haven’t picked one yet.”

Oh god. A sick sensation shot through me, all the way down to my feet. We were back to this, but who was I fooling? I needed to choose, but I couldn’t lose the other one.

They were both waiting, watching me.

I pressed a hand to my stomach. “I can’t, you guys. I can’t pick, especially now. I need both of you.”

“Sheldon,” Bryce’s voice softened, and he glanced sideways to Corrigan, “I think we’ll both agree that the other one won’t leave. We love you, and we wouldn’t want to be anywhere else during this thing. We need you as much as you need us.”

I shook my head. I couldn’t. I didn’t even know myself. “Guys . . . please . . .”

“You need to pick.” Corrigan stepped forward. “It’s not fair to us. You know that.”

“No.”

Bryce cast Corrigan a look. “I think we can wait, at least during this time. I know I won’t be able to go anywhere anyway.”

Corrigan turned back to him. “Are you serious? You’re okay with just waiting and not knowing?”

“What’s the alternative?” Bryce gestured to me. “She doesn’t know. Look at her. You can see the panic in her eyes.”

I frowned. He was right.

He continued, “She needs both of us, Cor. If she picks me, would you really stick around? I would, but damn, it would hurt. This isn’t about us anyway. It’s about what Sheldon needs.”

Corrigan bit out, “Easy for you to say. You’re the one she’ll probably be screwing while she sneaks into my bed to be held.” A nerve on the side of his jaw clenched outward. “I don’t know about you, but that’s a different torture all on its own.”

“You’d rather have her pick? During this time? She’ll feel cut off from the other one, and I’m sorry, but if she’s found guilty, this might be our last time to spend with her. I don’t want it defined and not be able to hold her.”

My eyes got big. A new surge of panic drenched my insides with ice water. “Guilty?”

He swiftly turned to me. “I didn’t mean that, but.” He paused, looking down at the ground. “Someone set you up, Sheldon. What if we can’t find out who did that? What then? I’m just . . . if you pick Corrigan, I can’t spend this time with you and not be able to hold you.” An anguished tone came to him. “Maybe that’s me being selfish, but I can’t do that. Even if you pick Corrigan, I still won’t be able to stay away.”

He held my gaze. Even though a few feet separated us, I felt like I was in the palm of his hand. He was holding me, stroking me, making me feel safe. Making me feel loved. My chest tightened. Then it exploded inside me. I loved Bryce. I never stopped, but it had been shoved down and numbed. With that, memories of our past came at me, and I was right back there on the day Marcus was in my home. I closed my eyes, but images of Corrigan stabbed and bleeding on the floor wouldn’t go away. That sickening feeling. Fearing for his life, wondering if my best friend was going to die, knowing the guy responsible was still in my home, and he was going to get away.

I wanted to hunt him down, like he had hunted me down. The need for revenge, to take his life, had overwhelmed me. Bryce, too. He turned the tape off when I found Marcus and provoked him. It looked like self-defense, but the truth was, that I had killed him.

Oh god. I didn’t want to remember that day, what we had done, what I had done. I turned away.

“Sheldon.” Bryce started for me.

I shot a hand up, stopping him. “Don’t. Please. Don’t.”

My shoulders lifted up and down, as I tried not to dry-heave. We killed him. Together. I’d been trying to forget that day for years, but I couldn’t. I loved Bryce, but I couldn’t forget what we had done, and the two were intertwined. That’s why I put so much distance between us. If loving Bryce meant remembering that day, I had chosen to forget one if it meant forgetting the other, but my god, I couldn’t forget how much I loved Bryce. It had never gone away, and just now, just this look from him, had unlocked the box again.

I took gasping breaths, trying to get ahold of myself and the storm that had been unleashed inside me. As I did, I glanced up. They were both waiting. Differing levels of concern were on their faces, but they had no idea what I was enduring.

“Please,” I rasped out. “I want to forget.” Marcus’ death.

They nodded, thinking I was asking to forget about Grace.

I didn’t clarify that. I didn’t want to.

Corrigan went to grab some blankets as Bryce got some alcohol. Both of them went to the middle couch and waited for me. I settled down, and they sat on either side of me. I was stiff at first, wave after wave of blind terror was crashing down on me, but then Bryce pulled one of my legs over his lap and he started rubbing my thigh. It wasn’t in a sexual manner, but a comforting one. He was trying to reassure me, and after a moment, it started to work. Some of my tension smoothed out. Then I felt Corrigan lift his arm, and he pulled my head into the crook of his shoulder, underneath his arm. I closed my eyes, feeling both of them there, both of them trying to take care of me.

It was true. I needed both of them. I loved them both, but I couldn’t think about choosing. They were both my best friends, and that’s what I needed most in that moment.

*

“Sheldon.”

I grew aware of Corrigan saying my name. His shoulder nudged my head gently. He said, “Hey.”

Bryce spoke over me, “She needs to sleep.”

I’d fallen asleep, and as they kept talking, a lull was settling back over me. It was like a large blanket, enfolding all around me, making me feel warm and peaceful. I was falling back asleep, but I heard Corrigan murmur, “I know. You want to carry her?”

“You’re still hurting from the accident?” As Bryce asked that, I felt myself lifted in the air. I was pulled tightly against a warm chest, a very solid, warm chest, and I could hear his heart under my head.

He stood and Corrigan said quietly from beside us, “Yeah. My ribs still ache at times, and my shoulder blade feels weird, too.”

“All the time?”

“Nah. It comes and goes.” His voice sounded a little clearer. “It’ll get better. I don’t know why it still hurts. The doctors said I’m healed.”

Bryce tightened his hold on me, securing me even closer against him. “Do you know where we’re going?”

Corrigan laughed softly. “No clue. This place is huge. I don’t remember how to get back to her room or even ours.”

“Our rooms are right next to hers.” But Bryce paused, standing still. “Maybe we should just sleep in the theater?”

“And if she snuggles up to one of us?”

“Then she snuggles up to one of us. It’s whoever she needs.” Bryce’s tone dipped down. “What’s your problem? I thought we agreed on that.”

“I know. I just,” Corrigan hesitated, “she’s going to pick you. I can see it. She loves you so much she’s scared of it.”

“You don’t know that.” Bryce stiffened underneath me. “Trust me, you don’t know that. She might like to get fucked by me, but she goes to you for the emotional stuff. You don’t think that kills me?”

“Bryce,” Corrigan started, wariness in his tone.

“Stop, Corrigan. She loves both of us. You might only see how she feels about me, but I see how she feels about you. Whoever she chooses is the one she can’t be without, but she loves both of us.”

The heaviness from sleep was fading. The more they talked, the more awake I became, but I didn’t want to wake up. I just wanted to sleep, to remain where I felt sheltered. Safe.

“Knowing Sheldon, she’ll toss a fucking coin.”

Bryce laughed. “That would suck, but yeah, I could see that.”

“Denton called me earlier. I hope she doesn’t pick him because she can’t pick between us.”

A low groan came from his chest, right where my head was resting. “He called me too, and fuck that, but I could see her doing that.” He paused and murmured, “I hope not.” He said that so quietly, with so much emotion, that it jolted me wide-awake. I knew without a doubt I would be haunted by his tone of voice just now.

“Hey.” Bryce shifted and looked down at me. “You awake?”

I didn’t open my eyes, but grumbled, “Your lack of faith in me is pissing me off.”

Corrigan laughed from the side. “Yeah, well, we didn’t want you think you could just use us to help you fall asleep every night.”

I squirmed in Bryce’s arm, getting more comfortable. My eyes were still closed. “Fuck that. Isn’t that why you two are here? To help me sleep?” I grinned, teasing them, but I didn’t want to look. I still didn’t want to deal with the truth of what they were talking about.

“Ha-ha, Sheldon.”

Bryce asked, “Where do you want to sleep?”

“In my bed.” And with that said, I knew I’d have to open my eyes. After directing them to my room, I sent both of them away. No matter what was said, I knew it wasn’t fair to use one for comfort and not the other. They were right. I did need to choose, but fuck, at the same time, I couldn’t.

Both Bryce and Corrigan frowned at me from the hallway. I stood in my bedroom. The door was open between us, but we were all in a standoff. I lifted an eyebrow. “What?” My hand gripped the door, but I wasn’t sure if it was to shut it or to hold me up.

“You’re sure about this?”

I nodded. “You both are right. It feels weird to sleep with both of you, and I shouldn’t lean on one and not the other. It’s not right so I’m going to be sleeping alone from now on.” I had been since Grace’s murder, but knowing they were so close and saying those words aloud solidified it for me. I would’ve been tempted to crawl into one of their beds. It wasn’t right. I needed them right now, but I needed to think about them, too.

I tried to smirk at them, but it failed. “I’ll see you both in the morning then.” That was meant as a joke, but there was nothing teasing about the statement or about how I said it. A knot was in my stomach, and as I stared back at them, it tightened. “Okay. Well. Goodnight.”

They both continued to frown at me.

Feeling just all sorts of weirdness about this situation, I didn’t know what else to do so I did the logical next thing.

I shut the door in their faces. Then I crawled into bed and didn’t sleep for the rest of the night.