Happily Letter After by Vi Keeland
CHAPTER 16
SADIE
He opened the door, and my mind went blank. Turning around and ringing the bell had been a split-second decision. I just hadn’t wanted to leave. The problem was, I probably should’ve thought up an excuse as to why I came back before I did it.
Sebastian’s breathing quickened with every second that he took me in. “Everything okay?”
I swallowed but continued to blank out.
What was I supposed to say? I couldn’t tell him the truth: I saw you checking me out and thought you might be interested in touching me, too?
He broke the ice. “Is this the part where I assume you’re the dog trainer and scold you for being late? Feels like déjà vu right now. Me opening the door and you looking stunned.” He flashed a crooked smile, which calmed me down a bit.
I laughed nervously.
He gestured with his head. “While you’re figuring it out, why don’t you come in? It was so warm today, but it’s getting chilly now.”
I brushed my hands over my arms. “Thanks.”
Marmaduke ran to the door and began to jump all over me. Not exactly the man I wanted on me right now.
Thankfully, he calmed down pretty quickly before heading to the corner of the room to hump a stuffed toy.
Yeah. You’re not the only one all worked up tonight, buddy.
Sebastian just stared at me, still in need of an explanation as to why I’d suddenly returned.
Jesus Christ.Grow some balls, Sadie.You’re a dating-advice columnist, for Christ’s sake, and you can’t seem to remember how to act around a man you’re attracted to.
“I came back because I wondered if you might want some company tonight,” I blurted.
Sebastian placed his hands in his pockets, looking less than comfortable with my proclamation.
His reaction made me panic a little, so I tried to laugh it off. “That’s stupid, right? You probably have plans. If so, I can just lea—”
“Do you like white or red?” he suddenly said.
It took a few seconds for his question to sink in. He was referring to wine.
I’m in?
“Actually, the red you were drinking looked really good.”
“Be right back,” he said.
I fidgeted as Sebastian went back into his study, returning to the living room with the bottle and his glass. He placed them on the coffee table before venturing into the kitchen.
After he returned, I watched as he poured me a large glass before emptying the remainder of the bottle into his own.
“Thank you,” I said.
I sat down on one end of the sofa. Then he proceeded to sit all the way at the other end at the farthest spot away from me.
I took a sip of my drink and said, “So, what were your plans tonight if I hadn’t weaseled my way into your evening?”
His lips twitched. “I hadn’t quite figured it out.”
“It’s probably rare that Birdie’s not home.”
“Yeah. I think she’s only had one other sleepover before this.”
Sebastian looked exceptionally good tonight. He was dressed more casually than normal. A navy T-shirt clung to his broad chest. He wore jeans, and his feet were bare. He had large, beautiful feet—if a man’s feet could even be considered beautiful. Well, he and his feet were totally beautiful in every way.
“Did I step in something?” he asked.
Shit.He’d caught me.
“Oh, no. I was just . . . admiring your feet.”
I cringed. Maybe I shouldn’t have admitted that.
“Thank you.” He wrinkled his forehead. “I think?” Sebastian rested his arm on the back of the sofa and continued to stay in his corner of the couch. “So where exactly do you go to work out, Sadie?”
“I do a forty-five-minute yoga class a few times a week. It’s near my place.”
“Nice. I probably should be taking up something like that for stress relief.”
“It’s excellent for stress relief . . . but I do it for flexibility.”
He cleared his throat. “So you’re . . . flexible?”
“Very.” I’d been intentionally self-assured in my answer on that one. “Today she had us practice this pose where your legs go back over your head.”
He looked like he almost wanted to spit out his wine. “That sounds very . . . adventurous. What’s that called . . . downward dog? Dogs are your thing.” He winked.
I chuckled. “No. Downward dog is a front-facing exercise. She had us bend our legs back and over our head. It’s called plow pose.”
His eyes widened. “You’re bending your legs over your head and it’s called plow pose?”
The irony in that terminology only now just hit me.
He has a dirty mind. I love it.
“I guess it’s a waste of a skill, considering nothing has been happening in that arena.”
Sebastian said nothing as he downed the last of his wine. Then he lifted the bottle. “More wine?”
“I’ll have a refill, yeah. Thanks.”
“This bottle is empty. Want to try something else, or shall I open another bottle of cab?”
“I really liked that one. What’s it called?”
He went to check the label, and I could’ve sworn I saw his face turn red. Apparently he hadn’t realized the name until now.
He wouldn’t say.
“Well?” I prodded.
“It’s called . . . Pornfelder.” He laughed awkwardly as he opened the bottle and refilled our glasses.
I couldn’t help but laugh myself. “What a name.”
“Sounds like someone made it up. Sort of like flunkerbsht.”
My face felt numb from embarrassment. “Ah, yes.”
He raised his glass. “You should trademark that, by the way.”
He drank some more of his wine, and when the glass left his mouth, I noticed his eyes travel down to my navel and back up again. I loved noticing him looking at me. He immediately started a new topic of conversation to divert from the fact that I’d caught him staring at my belly ring.
“So you never told me how you got into writing.”
I repositioned myself in my seat, making myself a bit more comfortable. “Well, I was a journalism major in college, but for many years, I never did anything with my degree, just worked odd jobs. At one point, I took an internship with the company that owns my magazine, and the reporter I worked under let me dabble in writing some of the articles. Eventually, I was hired as a general staff writer, and I’ve bounced around various departments ever since. The Holiday Wishes column has stuck with me for years, but my main writing assignments have changed a few times. I did articles on business etiquette for a few years and then switched to writing the Beauty Basics column. Writing about makeup got boring pretty fast.”
“But you’ve been doing the dating column for a while, right?”
“Yeah.” I smiled. “For a few years. That one stuck. They seem to think I’m the right fit for it, and it’s become pretty popular.”
“Well, I can see why. Women must love to live vicariously through a beautiful, successful woman living in the city. It’s like that show my mother used to watch . . . the one with the girl from Hocus Pocus.”
That made me crack up. “Sarah Jessica Parker, yeah. Sex and the City. Although I’m more like the poor girl’s Carrie Bradshaw.”
He seemed to be almost looking through me when he said, “You blow all those chicks out of the water.”
My entire body filled with heat. He’d just complimented me, and I had no clue how to handle it. I basically just wanted to jump him—but didn’t think that would go off too well.
“Do you see yourself staying at that job?” he asked.
“As much as I might complain, I really do enjoy it. Couldn’t really imagine myself with a typical nine-to-five.”
“What happens if you find someone you want to spend your life with? Do you still do the dating column?”
His question made my heart flutter a little. “I’m not betting on that with my luck . . . but if it were to happen, then I wouldn’t do the dating column. It has to be organic. If my heart belonged to someone else, what would be the point in faking it out there? It wouldn’t work, and it wouldn’t be fair to my partner, either.”
“So you’d ask for a reassignment?”
His curiosity on the topic gave me what was probably a delusional sense of hope. “Yes. I’d probably just write in one of the other departments if they’d have me.”
“Like the Santa column . . .” He smiled. For the first time, I noticed he had subtle dimples.
“That’s seasonal, so it wouldn’t cover me for the whole year . . . but that one I’ll stick with regardless, as long as they’ll have me. It’s so gratifying.”
“I’m happy you love your job,” he said.
“Yeah, you know, because the dog-training thing . . . well, that’s not going anywhere.”
He chuckled. “Exactly.”
I finished off my wine and sighed. “Things could always be worse, you know? I’m not exactly where I thought I’d be at almost thirty. But I’m fortunate to be happy overall, healthy, and to have one part of my life right—my career.”
“And the other parts?”
“Well, I always thought I’d be settled by this age, maybe have a child. I’m not sure if that’s in the cards for me.”
He stared at me for a few moments, then said, “But you want it? You want the family, the house, the dog . . .”
Without hesitation, I said, “I do . . . but only if it’s with the right person.”
He nodded and seemed to be deep in thought. I wondered if he was thinking about Amanda, how he had had all those things at one time . . . the house, the family, the beautiful wife. But now she was gone. None of it really came together without your significant other, the one you love. And not having her around meant that he had to be both the mother and father to Birdie, which couldn’t have been easy, given his demanding job.
“Are you okay, Sebastian?” I felt compelled to ask. “I’m not referring to this moment, but I mean . . . in a general sense, handling the single-dad thing?”
“You mean, am I just pretending to hold it all together while really being depressed inside?” He stared off. “Honestly? Sometimes. But I make sure I keep going so fast that I don’t get swallowed up by the depression part. It’s just there in the background.”
I gulped, not sure what to say. “It must be hard to move on when you had such a great marriage. I know it was hard for my dad.”
He closed his eyes and shook his head. “Birdie thinks her mom and dad had the perfect marriage. But my wife and I had our fair share of struggles. When my daughter was two, we actually separated for a while.”
My eyes widened. That was the last thing I’d expected him to say. I’d thought he had the perfect little family. “Wow. I had no idea.”
“Obviously, my daughter doesn’t know. And I’d really like to keep it that way.”
“Of course. I’d never say anything to her.” I shook my head. “Can I ask what happened?”
“I’m going to need more wine for this.” Sebastian refilled his glass and poured me another. Sighing, he said, “The restaurant took a while to become what it is today. We both worked a lot of hours, had a new baby. We put all our energy into the business and our daughter, and I guess at the end of the day, we didn’t have enough left to give our relationship the focus it needed. I’m partly to blame for that. But . . .” Sebastian sipped his wine. “I guess my wife needed someone to talk to about something other than money problems or diapers. And, well, she got close to a waiter at the restaurant. One night, they had a little too much to drink, and they got a little too close.”
“Oh God. I’m sorry.”
He nodded. “We tried to go to counseling, but I couldn’t seem to get past it. So after a few months, we separated. I moved out and got a small apartment nearby so I could still be near my daughter. We were just starting to adjust to living on our own when Amanda found out during a routine exam that her ovarian cancer was back. It put things into perspective. I’d never stopped loving my wife, and she needed me.”
“So you got back together?”
He nodded. “We had good years after that. But Amanda always thought the only reason that I made things work was because of her cancer diagnosis.”
“But it wasn’t?”
Sebastian smiled sadly. “I don’t know how things would have worked out had she not gotten sick. But it doesn’t matter. Sometimes in life you need a little push to get where you should be. Her illness was my push. We made it work, and I was in awe of the strength she had, watching her fight every day. I have a lot of guilt that she died thinking I only stuck around because she was sick.” He shook his head. “I did love her. I really did.”
I didn’t want to cry, but I had no control over the tears that seeped out.
When he noticed, a look of alarm crossed his face. “Oh shit. What have I done? I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
Wiping my nose with my arm, I sniffled. “No. I’m sorry. It’s just . . . it’s sad but it’s beautiful, Sebastian. To have had someone you love in your life even for a short time is beautiful. It’s amazing that you found forgiveness for her and rekindled that love. And she’ll always live on through Birdie.”
“I don’t know what it is about you that makes me want to open up.” He rubbed his eyes. “Let’s move on to something lighter . . . okay?”
I searched my brain for something “lighter.” “Birdie swears that Marmaduke can say ‘hi.’”
His mouth transformed into a slight smile. “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. We actually recorded it. Hang on.”
Taking out my phone, I pressed “Play” on a video I’d taken displaying Marmaduke making a noise that did sound suspiciously like “Hiiiiiiiiii.”
He chuckled. “I asked to move on to something lighter, not utterly ridiculous.”
We were both cracking up now, and thank God the sadness in the air seemed to have eased up a bit.
“Can I use your restroom?” I asked.
“Of course.”
My legs felt wobbly as I stood up and made my way to the bathroom. Splashing some water on my face, I looked at myself in the mirror. The wine was starting to hit me, and the physical and emotional toll of the night was as well. My attraction to Sebastian was almost painful. I just wanted to make him forget about everything for one night, but more than that, I also wanted him to want me. I was pretty sure he was attracted to me, but I was also pretty sure he respected me. And that meant he wouldn’t look at me as a one-night conquest. The latter very well may have been all he had the mental space for right now, which meant there would likely not be any room for someone like me in his life.
When I reemerged from the bathroom, Sebastian was still sitting on the couch waiting for me. I was starting to feel like if anything were going to happen between us, I was going to have to give him a little push, test the waters. At least then, based on his reaction, I might know if I even stood a chance for something more with him. I sat down, but this time, in a brazen move, I sat down right next to him. The heat of his body was palpable. His jaw tightened as he just looked at me. His breathing became labored as he very blatantly allowed his eyes to wander down to my cleavage, then back up at my face. Unlike the other times he’d snuck glances at me, it almost seemed like he wanted me to notice. I wanted his mouth on me, but I’d made enough of a move by just sitting this close. The wine was definitely going to my head, amplifying the physical need I was experiencing.
He was looking at my lips now.
“Are you okay with my sitting close to you like this?” I asked.
He nodded, still breathing heavier than he had all night. There was no way he wasn’t affected by me. I knew that for certain now.
“I think you’re amazing, Sadie. Both inside and out,” he whispered gruffly.
I bit my lip, then continued his sentence. “But . . .”
“Don’t take this the wrong way . . . but I’m almost too attracted to you. I feel very out of control around you, like there’s the potential to get addicted. And—”
“And you’ve made the decision not to let that happen with anyone.”
“It’s what’s best for many reasons . . .”
My heart sank upon finally hearing confirmation of what I already feared.
“I just thought that maybe . . . there could be something there.”
His eyes were piercing. “There is something. I just don’t want to act on it.”
“Okay.” I looked down at his bare feet. A few moments later, I looked up at him. “What would you be doing tonight if I wasn’t here?”
“Why does that matter?”
“It doesn’t. I’m just curious.” I leaned in a little. “Don’t lie to me, either. Tell me what you really would have done.”
He nodded. “Alright.” After taking a long sip of wine, he finally said, “I was going to call a woman I knew wanted nothing more than to sleep with me. I was going to go to her place—because I don’t bring women into this house. I was going to fuck her—safely—and then leave and come back here, feeling no more fulfilled than I had before I left. Which is exactly the way I need it to be.”
His admission left me speechless for a bit.
“When was the last time you were . . . with someone?” I asked.
“It’s been a while. A couple of months, maybe.” He exhaled. “What about you?”
“Way longer than that.”
Sebastian swallowed hard. “Why?”
“Because I can’t just be with someone to fuck them. I need something more. I need a connection. I need to be able to look into their eyes and love what I see within them just as much as what’s on the outside. A mental connection is very important to me.” My feelings seemed to be bursting from me. Somehow I felt like this could have been my one opportunity to express them. I shocked myself when I said, “I’m very attracted to you . . . in every way. But I totally get why you need to compartmentalize. I get why it would be scary for you to let someone in . . . not only into your heart but into your life. I think I’d be the same way in your shoes.”
He sat there in silence as I went on.
“I’m sorry, Sebastian. I’m sorry that things aren’t easier. I’m sorry you lost your wife and that you go to sleep alone. I hope that someday you can be happy again. As much as I wish that I could have a chance at getting to know you on a deeper level, I also understand that the space for that in your heart is still taken.”
He was back to staring at my mouth when he said, “You make it very difficult to want to compartmentalize, Sadie.”
My heart raced.
“Do you want me to go?” I whispered.
He reached for my hand. “No.”
The feel of his big, warm hand intertwined with mine was just about the best damn thing I’d felt in a very long time.
“Then I’ll stay. As a friend. As long as you want me to say, I’ll stay. And when you’re ready to be alone again, I’ll leave.”
He looked down at our hands. “I really don’t like being alone. I hate it. I hate being here when Birdie’s not home. Because then I have to face what I’m left with. Which is nothing without my daughter. I don’t want my life to be like this. I want to be happy again. I just haven’t figured out how to achieve that.”
“I think it just happens on its own. Being happy is not really something people can make happen. It just occurs randomly while we’re living and not trying.”
What he said next broke my heart.
“Amanda never told me whether she would be okay if I moved on. And I think that’s part of what holds me back. I would never want her to look down and feel like she’d been replaced. And that haunts me.”
His eyes watered as he let go of my hand and said, “God, this is not what you signed up for tonight. Fucking hell.”
“Please,” I pleaded. “Please don’t apologize. Your honesty is breathing life into me. You have no idea how amazing it is to experience, through your love and respect for your wife, what true love is like. You’ve given me so much hope, Sebastian. Truly.”
He stared deeply into my eyes. “Wanna know the fucked-up thing?”
“Yeah.”
“As I sit here talking about my wife, I still can’t help wanting to kiss you.”
His words ignited what felt like a fire inside me. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions. “No one says feelings have to make sense,” I said, my chest heaving with need.
“You asked me what I was really planning to do tonight . . . ,” he said. “I told you half of the story. But what I didn’t tell you is that after you left, I couldn’t stop thinking about you, your infectious smile, and how sexy you looked. No woman in the world was going to stand a chance to get you out of my head tonight. And when you came to the door again, I nearly shit a brick. It was like you’d read my mind.”
I moved closer to him so that my face was only inches from his. The physical pull felt really intense. I normally wasn’t this assertive, but maybe it had to do with the fact that I’d never been into anyone like this. Yes, I would’ve loved more than a sexual relationship with Sebastian. But if he wasn’t ready for more, would I still want to experience being with him? The answer was yes.
Barely able to breathe, I said what I was feeling in that moment. “If you want me, you can have me. No questions asked. I need it as much as you do. We can just take out our frustrations on each other.”
He swallowed and let out a groan before he shook his head. “You’re intoxicated, Sadie, and so am I. We can’t go there.”
I nodded silently. I totally understood his point.
Therefore, given what he’d just said, you could imagine I was completely shocked when he seemed to lose control, wrapping his hand around my face and pulling me into him just seconds later. The heat of his mouth on mine sent shock waves throughout my entire body. Sebastian groaned into my mouth, and it vibrated deep in the back of my throat. He tasted like wine and the most amazing flavor I’d ever tasted. It was all man, all him, and I needed more. I didn’t care how buzzed I was, I didn’t care about anything other than experiencing every second of this. He pulled me onto him and I grinded down. I felt like I could come from merely the friction of his erection rubbing against me through his pants. Not to mention, it was clear from that limited contact that he was massive. My legs were quivering as his fingers raked my back.
“Fuck,” he muttered into my mouth. “You’re so sexy. I want to eat you alive.”
Those words literally made the muscles between my legs contract. Someone could have told me I’d have to risk my life to have him inside me right now and I might have considered it.
Right when I’d felt like I was going to reach my breaking point, Sebastian seemed to fall out of his trance as he pulled back.
He covered his mouth and stood up. “I can’t, Sadie. I just can’t. I want you, but I can’t take you like this. You’ve had too much to drink, and so have I.”
My lips were swollen, my nipples hard. My body was so ready. So naturally, this was a disappointment but one that was for the best.
Panting, I asked, “You want me to leave?”
He shook his head vehemently while keeping his distance. “No. I wouldn’t feel right sending you home right now. Please stay. You can have my bed, and I’ll sleep in Birdie’s room.”
I filled with hope. “Are you sure?”
“I insist. No way I’m letting you get in a car with a stranger while drunk, not even if it’s an Uber.”
His concern made me feel warm, protected. “Thank you.”
He nudged his head. “Come on. I’ll show you to the room.” Sebastian led me down the hall to his bedroom.
A massive king bed with a dark-wood headboard took up the center of the space. A satin gray comforter lay atop it. A gorgeous view of the moonlight outside could be seen from the window. As inviting a space as this was, it felt intrusive and forbidden to be in here.
“Make yourself at home. Take a hot shower in the master bath, anything you want.”
“Okay . . .” I smiled. “Thank you.”
After he left the room, I somehow suspected I wouldn’t see him for the rest of the night. He’d made the mature decision. I respected him for that, but it in no way extinguished the fire burning inside me right now.
That night, I took a shower in his fancy bathroom and lay in his massive marital bed. It felt a bit strange to be lying in the same bed that Sebastian had slept in with his wife. I could completely understand the emptiness he described feeling. And I longed for him. My feelings for this man went way back to before I’d ever even met him. But now that I’d experienced how passionate he was firsthand, it made me fall for him even more.
