Inappropriate by Vi Keeland
Chapter 35
Ireland
Almost two weeks had passed, and yet it felt like a year.
Between my construction and work, I had enough to keep me busy. But every time I passed the exit that led to the marina where Grant lived, it felt like ripping a Band-Aid off of a fresh wound.
It was Saturday afternoon, and Mia and I were meeting for lunch at our favorite Greek restaurant. I’d gotten caught in traffic, so I arrived a few minutes late, and she’d already gotten a table.
“Hey.” I slid into the booth across from her.
Her face wrinkled up when she looked at me. “Did you come from the gym?”
“No. Why?”
Mia frowned. “No offense, but you sort of look like shit.”
I sighed. “I didn’t feel like doing my hair. I thought the messy bun was still in?”
“It is. But yours looks more like a rat’s nest. And your shirt has a giant stain on it, and either you have black eyes coming in or you didn’t get all of yesterday’s makeup off.”
I looked down at my sweatshirt. Sure enough, there was a giant, round spot. I rubbed at it. “I had a container of Ben & Jerry’s for dinner last night. I missed my mouth a few times.”
Mia raised a brow. “So you slept in that shirt?”
“Shut up. I’ve seen you wear the same outfit for days when you’re sick.”
“That’s because I’m sick. Are you?”
“No.”
She made yet another disapproving face. “I take it you still haven’t heard from Grant?”
My shoulders slumped. “No.”
Mia shook her head. “I can’t believe he turned out to be such a piece of shit.”
“He’s not a piece of shit. He just…really didn’t want children.”
“Yes. And five years ago, I didn’t ever want to get married. I really didn’t want my mom to die at fifty-nine last year either. This is life. We do our best to live it, but we can’t be in control of everything.”
“I know. But having children is something we can control.”
“Did you take all of your pills?”
“Yes.”
“Did Grant wear a condom every time you had sex?”
“Yes.”
“Then obviously there are times we can’t control it. Nothing in life is foolproof.”
“I know. But he has a good reason for being upset.” A few days after Grant walked out, I’d unloaded everything on Mia—from my pregnancy to the reason I’d found out he didn’t want children.
“Of course he does. He’s experienced an unthinkable trauma. I understand that. So he deserved a little time to be shocked and upset, but it’s been almost two weeks now. What is he going to do? Pretend he doesn’t have a child and this entire thing doesn’t exist?”
I’d been wondering the same thing lately. The first few days he didn’t call or come by, I understood why he was upset. But at what point did he plan on dealing with the reality of our situation? I’d been so certain he’d come around…even if he didn’t want to be with me or want to be involved with this baby’s life. I thought he would at least own up to it and we’d talk. But the past few days, I’d started to lose the last shred of confidence in him. Hence the ice cream dinners.
“Can we just…not talk about it today? I need a day off from dealing with everything. Let’s stuff our faces and go to the movies like we planned and eat buttered popcorn with Snowcaps until we feel nauseous.”
Mia nodded. “Of course. Sure. But can I say one more thing? And it’s not really about Grant.”
I smiled. So Mia. “Sure.”
Her face lit up as her lips curved. “I went off the pill.”
My eyes widened. “Really? I thought you and Christian wanted to wait a year or two before having kids.”
“We did. But things change. I’ve been thinking about it since the day you told me you were pregnant. Then, a few days ago Christian came into the bathroom while I was brushing my teeth. You know my routine in the morning—teeth then pill. He looked at them in my hand and said, ‘I can’t wait until you’re pregnant. The thought of you with a big belly just turns me on like you wouldn’t believe.’
“So I turned around and said, ‘I could stop taking them now.’ I guess I expected him to backtrack. It’s one thing to say you’re looking forward to seeing your wife pregnant and another to want that to be next month. But he took the pills out of my hand and tossed them in the garbage. Then we had a quickie on the bathroom sink.”
I laughed. “Well, it would be awesome to have kids around the same age. But are you ready for that?”
She picked up an olive from the dish in the middle of the table and popped it into her mouth. “I don’t think anyone’s ever ready for kids. But yeah…I don’t really want to wait.”
I took Mia’s hands. “I love you, my crazy friend.”
“I know you want to stop talking about this. So I promise this is the last thing I’ll say today...” She squeezed my hand. “I will be here for you every step of the way. Holding your hair back through morning sickness if you have it, getting fat with you, even if I’m not pregnant, and by your side in the delivery room, if you’ll have me. There is nothing you’ll be alone for.”
I felt my eyes watering and fanned my face with my hand. “Thank you. And now let’s move on. I refuse to cry anymore.”
“You got it.” She picked up her menu and pointed to the waiter heading our way. “Do you think that’s a banana he’s carrying?”
I turned to see what the waiter had in his hands just as he arrived at the table, though I had no idea what the hell she was talking about. The only thing he had was a small pad and pencil. I ordered first and waited for Mia to order. But picking up my menu to hand it to him, I came face to face with his crotch and realized she hadn’t been talking about anything in his hands. It was in his pants.
My eyes widened, and I had to lift the menu back up to my face to hide my smile. Seriously, the man either had an erection or had to be stuffing. I cracked up and had to force it into a cough so I didn’t laugh in the waiter’s face while I handed him back the menu.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
I grabbed the water off the table and brought it to my lips. “Fine. Just swallowed down the wrong pipe.”
After he left, the two of us laughed for a solid five minutes. It was the first time in almost two weeks that I’d really laughed, and it made me feel like maybe, just maybe, I could get through this on my own, if I had to.
***
The tile in my bathroom came out beautifully. I’d just finished sweeping up after the contractor left and stood admiring it. The tumbled marble that the guy in Home Depot had recommended gave off a rustic look that really went with the lake house feel I was going for.
Unfortunately, thinking of that contractor reminded me of Grant—he’d been jealous of the construction guy who was just being nice at that store. How did one go from being jealous to disappearing from someone’s life in the span of a few weeks? And don’t even get me started with the fooling around that had gone on in this room when he’d spent the day helping me.
Everything reminded me of Grant—my apartment, work, even the construction of my home. Unconsciously, I reached down and covered my belly. Realizing what I’d done, I sighed. He was everywhere, even inside me. How the hell was I supposed to escape it?
My head hurt from so much thinking, and my heart ached in my chest. I’d decided if I didn’t hear from Grant by tomorrow morning, which would be two full weeks, I was going to go see him in his office. If we weren’t going to be a couple, that was one thing, but I needed to know if he planned to be in his child’s life.
I looked around the bathroom one last time and switched off the light. I emptied the dustpan into the garbage bag in the kitchen and set the broom against the door. The last of the day’s sun streaked in through the adjoining living room windows, and I thought I might walk down to the lake to watch it set—yet another thing that reminded me of Grant, though I refused to let him take the beauty out of a sunset for me.
My land was about three blocks from the lake, but it was a straight walk down a paved road. One of the nearby lakefront parcels hadn’t been sold yet, so I sat down on the grass at the lake’s edge on that property and watched as the sky turned shades of orange.
I shut my eyes, took a few deep breaths, and wrapped my arms around my knees. I heard a jingle behind me, but was so lost in my head that I didn’t register the sound until I was nearly knocked over by a dog. The most adorable golden retriever puppy started to lick my face. It made me smile and laugh.
“Aren’t you cute. Where did you come from?”
A few seconds later, the answer came. “Down, boy!”
I froze, hearing Grant’s deep voice behind me.
I couldn’t bring myself to turn around until I felt the vibration of footsteps next to me on the ground.
“Grant?”
Just seeing his face made my heart beat wildly. I reached up to cover it and felt the thumping underneath.
“Sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I came to talk to you. I saw your car at the house, but needed a minute to clear my head.” He thumbed behind him. “So I parked here. I didn’t mean to interrupt you. When I opened my car door, he jumped over me and took off like a bandit running this way.”
“He? Meaning the dog came with you?”
He nodded. “Yeah. He’s mine.”
The dog spotted some birds a few yards away and took off chasing them.
“I better get him on his leash.”
Grant followed, managing to hook the dog’s collar as he jumped up on him. I watched, feeling so confused. He has a puppy?When did that happen?
He walked back with the dog on a long leash, and for the first time, I took in how he looked. My reaction was probably similar to Mia’s when she got a load of me the other day. Grant looked terrible—or as terrible as he possibly could, which at the moment really pissed me off because his terrible was still a shitload better than most men’s best. He had dark circles under his eyes, his hair was disheveled, clothes were a wrinkled mess, and his skin had a sallow tone to it.
My first instinct was to ask if he was okay, but then I remembered how okay I hadn’t been the last couple of weeks and how much he’d cared. So I turned back around and faced the lake.
“What do you want?” I said.
He was quiet, but I felt him standing behind me.
“Do you…mind if I sit?”
I picked a blade of grass from in front of me and threw it. “Whatever.”
Grant sat down next to me. His dog started to dig a hole a few feet away, and we both stared. I refused to look at him, even though I felt the pull I always experienced when I was near him, since right from the start.
“How are you feeling?” he asked softly.
My lips pursed together. “Alone. Scared. Disappointed. Let down.”
I felt his eyes on my face, but still didn’t turn my head.
“Ireland,” he whispered. “Look at me. Please.”
I turned with my best icy glare, but one look in his eyes and I softened. God, I’m an idiot.
“I’m so sorry.” The pain in his voice was palpable. “I’m so fucking sorry for running away.”
My eyes filled with tears. But I still refused to shed any for him. So I blinked and looked down until I could force them back.
“There’s no excuse for what I did. But I’d like to tell you about Leilani, if that’s okay. It doesn’t justify the way I treated you, but it might help you understand why I did what I did.”
He had my attention now. I looked over at him with a sad smile and nodded.
Grant took a few minutes to collect his thoughts and then spoke softly. “Leilani May was born on August fourth. She was eight pounds, four ounces.” He smiled. “Eight four on eight four. She had big blue eyes that were so dark they were almost purple. Pops nicknamed her Indigo because of it. She had a mop of dark hair that looked like a wig.”
He paused, and I suddenly forgot all of my anger. Reaching over, I took his hand and squeezed. “She sounds beautiful.”
Grant cleared his throat and nodded. “The only time she really cried was when she needed to be changed. And she loved to be swaddled so tightly she couldn’t move her arms.” He paused. “And she loved it when I would sniff her feet and tell her she smelled. They say most babies aren’t really smiling until they’re a few months old, that it’s just a reflex. But Leilani, she smiled at me.”
Grant got quiet again. This time it was him who looked away. He stared out to the lake and setting sun. I watched his face go from warm to somber, so I knew I needed to brace for the next part of his story.
His voice was barely a whisper when he started talking again. “I’ve told you that Lily was a foster care placement with my family. Over the years, she bounced around back and forth from her mother’s house to ours. Her mom suffered from mental illness, and the state would intervene and remove her at least once a year when her mom went off her meds. Lily was always different. But I didn’t recognize it for what it was until we were older. And by then, it was too late. I was all-in with her.”
A pang of jealousy chimed inside of me, even though it was ridiculous.
Grant hung his head. “Doctors say she’s bipolar like her mom. And that, mixed with postpartum depression, made her…” He shook his head, and his voice cracked. “She…”
Oh my God. No!
Grant had said there was an accident, but no…not this. Please God, no. Don’t make him have endured something so inconceivable. I crawled from my spot to kneel between his knees and cupped his cheeks in my hands. His eyes were closed, but tears streamed down his face.
He swallowed, and the look of pain he wore sliced right through me. It felt like someone had stabbed a knife into my chest.
Grant shook his head. “We were arguing. I fell asleep. I should’ve known better. When I woke up, Lily was sitting on the deck crying, and Leilani was gone. She…threw…” He started to sob.
I pulled him into my arms. “Shhh. It’s okay. It’s okay. You don’t need to say any more. I’m so sorry, Grant. I’m so, so sorry.”
We stayed that way for a long time, both of us crying and holding each other as if our lives depended on it. In the moment, I thought maybe his did. Maybe he needed to get this out in order for his life to move forward.
Eventually, he pulled back and looked into my eyes. “I’m sorry I walked out on you. You didn’t deserve that. And I’ll never do it again. I promise.”
I was such an emotional wreck, I was afraid to believe he was telling me any more than he’d said—afraid to get my hopes up that his apology was a promise of a future and not just an explanation of the past.
He looked into my eyes. “I’m so sorry, Ireland. I’ve felt buried these last seven years, buried in darkness in the ground—until I met you. You made me feel like maybe I hadn’t been buried after all, but planted in the ground, waiting to grow again.”
I gulped in a breath of air to stop the last of my crying. “Please don’t apologize anymore. I understand. I’m sorry this happened to us and stirred up all these difficult memories.”
Grant shook his head. “No. Don’t say that. Don’t be sorry you’re pregnant. I’m not.”
“You’re not?”
He shook his head again. “I’m scared shitless. I don’t feel like I deserve another child. I’m worried something will happen again. But I’m not sorry you’re having my baby.”
Hope bloomed inside of me. “Are you sure?”
Grant pulled my face to his until our noses were touching. “I love you, Ireland. I think I did from the very first time you gave me an attitude in that coffee shop. And I’ve tried to fight it every step of the way, but it’s physically impossible for me not to love you. Trust me, I tried as hard as I could. I’m done fighting it. I want to love you.”
All of my tears came flooding back. Only this time, some happy ones were mixed in. “I love you, too.”
Grant’s dog finished digging his hole and started to try to lick my face again. I sniffled and laughed. “Your dog is as pushy as you.”
“He’s not my dog.”
I pulled back. “What? But you have his leash and said he was?”
“Spuds is your dog, if you’ll have him.”
Spuds. Oh my God. He remembered what I’d said I wanted. “Two or three little ones close in age, maybe a golden retriever named Spuds—a real full house.”
We sat on the grass, kissing and saying I love you to each other over and over. Eventually, the sun was gone and the stars came out. I could barely see the lake anymore.
Grant stroked my hair. “I went to visit Leilani every day over the last week. Some days I’d sit leaning against her headstone from dusk until dawn. It wasn’t pretty. I definitely scared away a few people visiting nearby graves. But I hadn’t been there since her funeral. I just couldn’t bring myself to go. Instead, I stayed on that damn boat so every day I was reminded of the worst day of my life. It was impossible to move on living where it happened. I was keeping the memory of my daughter alive, but none of the good ones I should’ve been focusing on.”
He paused and took a deep breath. “One morning I ended up at the prison psychiatric hospital where Lily lives, and I talked to her doctor. I’ve been so lost for so long, and I guess I thought I needed something from them to move on. But it turned out I don’t. I need something from you.”
I looked into Grant’s eyes. “Anything. What can I do?”
He smiled, a crooked, adorable, half smile that told me he’d expected my response. “Give me another chance.”
***
A beam of sun streaking through a window directly onto my face woke me on the floor. Naked and confused, I squinted and shielded my eyes while reaching down for the blanket at my waist. Memories of the night before came flooding back, and a goofy smile spread across my face. Grant and I had spent half the night talking and half the night making up for the last two weeks of not being able to touch each other.
For as long as I lived, I’d never forget the look in his eyes when he told me he loved me as he pushed inside of me. The words making love had been just that—words—before last night. But we’d connected in such a way that it truly felt like we became one. Which made me wonder…why wasn’t my other half lying next to me anymore?
I wrapped the blanket around my body and went in search of Grant.
I found him and Spuds on the front porch.
He turned as I creaked the door open. “Morning.”
I smiled. “Good morning. What time is it?”
“About ten.”
“Yikes. You must’ve been up for hours already.”
“Nope. Slept until nine.” He lifted a Styrofoam cup from next to him, one that matched the one in his hands. “Went to the store up the road and got us coffees. Yours is decaf. Though it might be a little cold by now.”
“Oh. Thanks. I’ll drink it cold. I don’t care.” I sat down next to him on the top step of my porch, and he leaned over and kissed my forehead while I peeled back the top of the container. “Does that mean you missed the sunrise?” I asked.
“I did. Slept right through it.” He smiled.
“You’ll have to catch the sunset then.”
Grant shook his head. “As much as I like you in that blanket, drink a little of your coffee and go put some clothes on. I want to show you something.”
I swallowed a few mouthfuls and went in search of my clothes. I found them scattered from the kitchen to the living room and smiled as I went to the bathroom to change. Spuds followed and waited outside the bathroom door.
“Where are we going?”
“Just for a walk.”
“Alright. But it better not be too far, or you might have to carry me. I have no energy after last night.”
Grant looked over and grinned. “I plan to keep you that way: thoroughly fucked and smiling.”
We walked hand in hand down to the open lot at the lake where we’d sat last night. When we got to the edge of the water, Grant looked around. “This would be a nice spot for a house.”
“It would be. I actually looked at this plot before buying mine. But it’s ridiculously expensive.”
He nodded. “I know. I just bought it.”
I blinked a few times. “You what?”
“I called an hour ago and made an offer. They called back five minutes before you woke up and accepted.”
“I don’t understand…”
Grant took both my hands. “You wanted this property. I want to give it to you, if you’ll let me. I’d like to build a house on it. One with a big fenced yard and a bunch of bedrooms we can spend the next few years filling.”
“Are you serious?”
“I am.” Grant’s smile fell. “I’ve been living on that boat for seven years. Every day it ripped my heart out to step onto the back deck and remember… I need to move. Leilani will always be a part of my life, but there’s room in my heart for more than one.”
“Oh my God, Grant.” I wrapped my arms around his neck. “But what about my house?”
“Sell it. Or rent it. Or maybe just keep it, and we can use it to sneak away when the kids are driving us nuts someday. You are kind of loud, and I don’t want that to have to change.”
I laughed. “Keep a whole house just so we don’t need to have sex quietly? You’re insane.”
“We’ll figure it out. We have plenty of time. It’ll take us a while to build something anyway.”
“Oh my God. I just envisioned your house being done before my house.”
Grant leaned in and brushed his lips with mine. “That’s not possible.”
“Why not?”
“Because there is no my house. There’s only our house.”
I smiled. “I love you.”
“Love you, too.” He pulled back and bent to kiss my belly. “And I love you, too.”
After we kissed, I had to come back to reality. “I have a lot of work to do this afternoon. Would you want to come hang out at my apartment for the day while I get it done? We can get takeout, maybe?”
“Can you bring your work to my condo?”
I shrugged. “I guess. I just need my laptop and some files. Did you want to watch the sunset from there or something?”
Grant looked into my eyes. “Nope. Just figured I’d make my girl and our baby a good meal. Then rather than watching the sunset, I’m planning on watching the face you make while I lick your entire body.”
I liked the sound of that. But… “You missed the sunrise this morning. I thought you watched either a sunset or a sunrise every day as a reminder that good things in life can be simple?”
Grant cupped my cheeks. “That was the past. I realize now that not all the good things in life are simple. Some of the best things are complicated, but beautiful and worth all the risk. I don’t need to watch every sunrise or sunset for a reminder that good exists anymore. I have you.”
