Take My Breath Away by Ali Ryecart

Chapter Forty-Six

JAMES

I jerk upright so fast I almost topple my chair backwards. My heart’s racing as snippets from confused and disturbing dreams run from me. I grab my mobile, in front of me on the kitchen table, almost sending the cake tin crashing to the floor.

“Good, I was hoping you’d pick up,” Elliot says.

My attempt to answer is nothing more than a strangled, dry-mouthed groan.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes.” I clear my throat and swallow down the lie.

“You don’t sound it, which is hardly surprising I suppose.” Elliot huffs. “No, not now…” The words are muffled and I’m about to ask what all this is about when I realise it’s not me he’s speaking to. The thud of a door closing comes down the line. “That’s better. No interruptions. I’ve got news, which I think you need to know about. And deal with.”

I scrunch my brows. “What do you mean, deal with?” Tension turns my muscles to iron.

“Perry tendered his resignation earlier today. He’s leaving. He’s given me longer than he actually needs to, but he’s still leaving. There’s a suitable property near Brighton—”

“The bungalow? That fucking horrible bungalow?” The words explode from me. Perry, in a grim, nondescript suburb… All his brightness will fade away to nothing.

“I don’t know if it’s a bungalow, but he said he was interested in the property before and it’s come back on the market. He’s made a provisional offer, which has been accepted. Vacant possession apparently, so he can move fast on it.”

I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose in a futile attempt to stem the headache that’s blossoming.

Perry, in that place…

“Then he’s got what he wanted,” I croak.

“Oh, for God’s sake.” Elliot’s voice is an angry bark on the other end of the line. “It’s not what he wants. It’s not what he wants at all.”

“It is. He wants to set up his own business.” Miles and miles away from me.

“But not like this, James. You’ve got to do something about this.”

“And get in his way again? I got in his way before and screwed up his plans because it suited me. Moving away, it’s what he always wanted. He should do it, and not let men like me stand in his way.”

I pinch harder between my eyes, my nails digging deep into the thin skin.

Silence, for long, long seconds. I almost think Elliot’s cut the call. When he speaks his voice is low and lethal, his anger held back by strength of will alone. Ice shivers down my spine and over my skin.

“You’re a fool, James. Why are you putting yourself and him through this? When the two of you were together there was a brightness about you I’d never seen before. Not even when you were with Alex. It was because you were happy, probably for the first time in your life. But I saw it in Perry, too. Why are you so afraid of owning up to what you feel for him? Why can’t you admit it?”

More silence, more long seconds.

“Admit what Elliot? What should I admit?”

“That you love him.”

And I do. God knows it, but I do. Elliot knows too, because he knows me. But there’s something he doesn’t know, because I was too ashamed to tell him.

“I do love him. You’re right. And I’ll never stop loving him, but it’s not enough.”

“What do you mean?”

I close my eyes for a second, summoning up my nerve, before opening them.

“I thought I could do it. Being settled with someone — with Perry. I really thought I could. But I fell at the first hurdle. Christ, if I were a horse I’d be shot.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Don’t you? You know what I’m like, Elliot. Can’t you guess? An opportunity came my way, and I was tempted. I was a beat away from—” I stumble to a stop, unable to drag the dirty confession into the light.

Aiden’s face rears up in my mind. His smile, the press of his body hard against mine. My hand cupping the back of his neck… And the whispered words that chilled me to the bone.

“Tempted? Is that what you’re saying? What matters is whether you resisted. Did you?”

“Yes,” I rasp. “I did, but who’s to say next time I’ll do the same thing? Or the time after that?”

“For the love of God, James, you’re to say. You. If you truly love him you’ll turn your back on every scrap that’s thrown in your path. Please, don’t let your fear stand in the way of you finding real happiness.”

I jolt. “Fear? What are you talking about?” I press the phone harder against my ear, as though to get closer to James’ words.

“Fear of breaking out of the cycle you’ve set for yourself. I don’t know if it is even the right word.” His huff’s loud and impatient. “This isn’t the time or place to examine it, but over the years you seem to have convinced yourself that you’re incapable of love and fidelity or loyalty. But that’s not true. You’re my oldest and closest friend, and I know you as well as I know myself. More so, I sometimes think. You’re telling yourself lies. Maybe it goes back to how it was with Alex, I don’t know. All I know is that you’ve been beating yourself up over what happened for too many years, and you have to stop.

“You’re a good man, under all your don’t give a damn crap. You’re a loyal friend. You stick up for those you love. You fight for them to the death. You did that with me, remember? You made me face what it was I felt about Freddie, when all I wanted to do was push him away because I was scared. The way you’re now scared. Listen to me, and let me be to you the friend you were to me.”

My heart clenches hard as I hear the catch in his voice.

“Face your own fear, James,” he says, his voice barely steadier. “And conquer it. Fight for Perry, fight for yourself and for him. Everything that’s gone before, it’s in the past. You need to think about your future and if you let him walk away I don’t think you’ll have one that’ll be worth having.” He sucks in a deep and shaky breath. “He’s going down to Brighton this afternoon, to meet the estate agent to sign on the dotted line. He’s catching the two-thirty from Victoria. Whatever else you do, don’t let him get on that train.”