Real by Amy Bellows
Buddy
I watch a whole episode of the baking show by myself. I can’t hear H’s conversation from my spot on the couch. Maybe the sanctuary is having second thoughts about helping me.
I close my eyes and replay the way he touched my arm and said, “You’re real to me.” The wonderful way his soft body enveloped mine after was so different from Candlewick’s hugs. It reminded me of my longing. It made me want more.
I realize how awful that is. Candlewick is in jail for helping me, and I’m obsessing about an alpha.
H returns to the den and sits next to me. I fiddle with the remote until I figure out how to turn the TV off.
“Is Candlewick okay?” I ask.
“That conversation wasn’t about Candlewick. It was about you. I found you a better lawyer. She’ll be coming by tomorrow to help prepare you for court. When you go to court, you’ll know exactly what to say and do. It will be okay. We’ll convince the judge you’re a person.”
H helps a lot of people at the sanctuary. He’s probably right. The problem is, H is used to helping people, not dolls.
“What if I’m not… a person? Is there anything else we can do for Candlewick?”
H’s eyes soften. “If we’re going to prove your humanity to a judge, I need you to believe it too.”
I swallow hard. H is trying to help me. He’s trying to help Candlewick too, so I have to do what he says.
“Okay.”
He places his hand on my knee. “I need to ask you a few questions about something private, okay? You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. Just know I’m asking because I want to help you.”
I nod.
“Candlewick mentioned that you have a heat every night,” he says.
I wasn’t expecting him to ask about that.
“I won’t be a bother. I can hide in a closet during my longing, and you won’t even notice.”
H’s cheeks turn a light shade of pink. “I wasn’t worried about that, Buddy. I just… I need to know how it works. Heats vary amongst different species of shifters. You called it a… longing?”
I nod. “That’s what Dorian called it.”
H slips his phone out of his pocket, and his thick fingers type something on the screen.
“Is Dorian a fox shifter?” H asks.
“Yeah.”
H hands me his phone. It’s an article on different shifter heats. There are dozens of different species with fox shifters listed fourth. The duration and nature of the heats are included next to the species. Fox shifter heats last for three days or until impregnation and are categorized as a den heat.
“What’s a den heat?”
H runs a hand through his hair nervously. “It means omegas create a den of sorts to feel safe during their heat. Den heats are more tender. Omegas crave kisses and affection just as much as sex. Red wolf shifters have den heats too.”
“Have you ever…” I stop when I realize I shouldn’t ask him something so personal.
He shakes his head. “On the compound where I grew up, there were more male alphas than omegas in my age group. And I wasn’t… well, I wasn’t the omegas’ first choice. But I did spend some time in something called a breeding pit. The omegas in the pit with me were in heat, but it was a medicated heat. Those are usually different. They were… desperate. For any alpha, really. It didn’t matter who I was. They just needed a knot.”
H’s voice is so soft, I can barely hear him. He withdraws his hand from my knee. The intimacy of touch might feel like too much while telling me about that time in his life.
It’s horrible, but I feel jealous of those omegas. It sounds like they got to be touched and bred by an alpha during their heat. I’ll never get to have that.
I remind myself that it doesn’t matter. H is talking to me about this because he needs to know about my longing for court. To set Candlewick free.
“My longing starts at sunset. It usually lasts for an hour. I yearn for…” I almost tell H about the faceless alpha I’ve dreamed up in my fantasies, but I don’t think that’s the kind of information he needs. “An alpha.”
“What exactly do you want from an alpha?”
I stop myself from saying “anything,” even though it’s true. Even a brief touch would be wonderful. But H said he needed to know how my heat works. He probably needs me to be specific.
I look down at my hands. “I imagine being… taken. An alpha inside of me with his arms wrapped around me. I imagine him saying… well, a lot of things. That he likes the way I feel or smell.”
Dorian hates the way my slick smells. I know other alphas would too. It’s just a fantasy. Candlewick said it was okay to have fantasies. He offered to help me through a heat once. We even kissed for a bit. It just didn’t work between us, even though I really wanted it to.
“Do you imagine being knotted?” H asks.
“Sometimes. That’s… not the focus of my longing. It’s more… just being in bed with someone. Someone who wants me.”
I’ve never told anyone that, not even Candlewick. I hope he doesn’t think I’m stupid.
H’s hand returns to my knee. “I can understand that. The desire to be wanted.”
I meet his gaze and find nothing but kindness there. It seems strange that he’s an alpha like Dorian. They’re so different.
“It’s just a fantasy,” I tell him.
He squeezes my knee and releases it. “If we can get you free of Dorian, it doesn’t have to be. You could date, you know.”
Is he making fun of me? I lower my head. Maybe I deserve it after admitting that I fantasize about a human wanting me.
“Buddy, I mean it,” H says softly.
“Don’t,” I beg him. “I know I’ll never have sex with anyone again.”
“Does that mean you’ve had sex before?”
Pain clenches around my heart. “Dorian had sex with me. A long time ago.”
“What happened?”
Tears gather in my eyes. “That was back when Dorian thought I could be real.”
“What do you mean?”
“I was supposed to be his mate. When our bond formed, it was supposed to turn me human.”
There are a lot of things I don’t tell H. Like how happy Dorian was on that first day when he introduced himself to me. He was almost glowing. He explained that we’d be burrowing together. That’s how fox shifters bond, not through a bite or a gift of jewelry but through a month-long stay in a secluded cabin together.
He wasn’t eager to get physical with me, of course. I was still plastic and not worthy of him yet. He kissed and touched me in a perfunctory manner, promising me that everything would be different when I was real. As long as we followed the burrowing customs of the fox shifters and our bond formed properly, I’d become human just like him. Then he’d desire me.
He was so optimistic in the beginning. So kind to me. I had no idea how much everything would change.
I don’t think I can talk about the happy memories with H. They’re too painful.
“Did you bond to him?” H asks me.
“No. The bond didn’t work. I wasn’t… He couldn’t… I wasn’t any good for him.”
The sympathy in H’s eyes makes me want to find another closet and hide. I don’t deserve it. I was the one who failed Dorian.
H wraps his warm arms around me. He’s so soft. He runs his hand up and down my back the way Candlewick used to. Only it feels completely different with H. My skin tingles where he touches me.
I close my eyes and inhale his woodsy, musky scent. Candlewick once told me that alphas are like the sun. They can burn you like nothing else, but while it’s happening you won’t notice because standing in their light feels so damn good.
I think I finally understand what he meant.