The Guardian by Diana Knightley

Two - Kaitlyn

Iwoke up and first it was that damned rooster, Master Buttnugget was his name, crowing as if his life depended on it, too stupid to know that if his life ended it would be because of his racket at dawn.

Then Beaty started in with the bagpipes.

Fine, she had gotten rather good.

I was resting with my eyes closed, when I heard James and Quentin arguing down in the courtyard.

“Ugh, they’re going at it again.” I kissed Magnus’s chest.

“Aye, they are regularly furious with each other. Twas m’day tae sleep in — first the bagpipes sounded and now there is a battle below.”

“And don’t forget that goddamn rooster.”

I listened to the fight down in the courtyard.

James: “Some fucking respect, that’s all I ask!”

Quentin: “Yeah? Because you can swing a hammer suddenly you’re lord and master?”

I asked, “Why do you think they’re fighting so much?”

Magnus said, “Because Master Cook needs a woman.”

“All he does is complain that all the women are married.”

“I fear that until he finds one we will hae tae suffer more family meetings.”

My head shot up and I looked down on him wide-eyed. “No! The last one took hours! Ugh.” I dropped my head back on the pillow and groaned. “Emma wants everyone to be heard. You know what? I kinda think we need more of ‘everyone shut it. Shut your mouth. Shut up.’ Unless it’s me of course, my list of grievances is freaking long.”

Magnus’s chest shook under my head as he chuckled.

I sighed. “Most of my grievances involve Hayley this week—”

Through the open window came Hayley’s voice from a window farther down. “Will you two shut up! James, we get it, you brought the composting toilets, you set them up, we get it—”

“All I want is someone else to dump it out, smells like hell in there and—”

Quentin said, “Why the hell you looking at me? I dumped it last time, it’s not my turn.”

Fraoch’s voice, “What are ye yellin’ about? I can hear ye down at the docks!”

Emma’s voice, “Well, I did not want to say this, but you’ve driven me to it, we need a family meeting.”

I groaned. “Here we go.”

Magnus kissed my forehead. “Looks like we will need tae go down tae pass the Feelin’ Stone.”

I scrambled up. “Well, as long as we have to have the meeting, I might as well get my notebook.”

I got dressed, grabbed my list, and headed down the cold steps to the Great Hall.

* * *

The room was full. We had guardsmen and servants living with us, plus their families. Most of the stable boys and field hands lived in the village, but came to the castle for breakfast.

James, Hayley, and Quentin had traveled back and forth for supplies, being very very cautious, so we had outfitted the castle pretty well. We aimed for comfort and convenience, while trying to keep waste to a minimum. We had solar powered lights in our private rooms, because that just made sense. We had comfortable shoes for everyone. We had enough food stores to keep us living if there were issues with crops. But we tried to be sparing and kept all the magical things hidden behind the scenes.

By the time Magnus and I made it to the Great Hall everyone else was already there, sprawled in chairs, dressed, complaining that it was too early. We had run out of coffee three days before, so their irritation was building.

As soon as Magnus walked in, Quentin said, “Boss, tell James we need to stop bitching about this toilet situation and work on the pump house we need the—”

James folded his arms across his chest. “Forgive me for thinking waste management was also something that needed to happen.”

Magnus sat down in a chair. “Do we hae coffee?”

Zach said, “Nope, gone.”

Magnus said to everyone, “Do ye see we are without coffee yet we are in a family meeting? I worry about our priorities.”

James said, “Mags, ya gotta weigh in.”

“I think we need both of them tae happen.”

Emma was standing and rocking little Zoe in the sling, passing her a toy to suck on and then when Zoe dropped it, passing her another one from a bag in a chair. All Zoe wanted these days was to shove things into her drooling mouth with dripping, sticky, reaching fingers. “And that’s why we need this meeting to discuss—”

Everyone groaned.

Emma said, “I know, I know.” Zoe dropped a wooden ring, Emma passed her a silver rattle. “You’re irritated, but just bear with me. Let’s go around the circle. Each person can name one issue, then we’ll address it.”

I opened my spiral notebook and tapped a page with my pen. “First, I need to remind—”

James put his palms out incredulously. “Why does she get to go first?”

I tapped the page again. “Because I have the list, did you make a list?”

“No, but reminder, I installed composting toilets.”

Quentin groaned. “And I cleaned them last, what, you think you do everything?” He crossed his arms. “I’ve been keeping you all protected for months, jumping back and forth, running security, and getting bossed around by you — is that the thanks I get for keeping your ass safe?”

Quentin waved his hand at me. “Put this on your list, Katie, I think we say, ‘Fuck this,’ and go to the future-future and fight Paddy-whack.”

I said, “Noted, but I’m trying to cut out the f-bombs, because of being more classy. So, maybe, fudge this.” I screwed my face up. “I do not like that as much, it’s stupid.”

Quentin said, “You didn’t write what I said down.”

“Fine.” I read as I wrote: “Quentin says, ‘fuck this.’” I underlined it twice. “Happy?”

“Not exactly. And who got you the notebook? Me — regretting it.”

“You, last time you went home. I don’t get to go home because of Sir Padraig.” I wrote, “Quentin wants to go to the future-future to fight.”

Then I turned to Hayley, “Okay, your turn—”

She said, “Come at me, I’m blameless, all I do is help and no—”

We all groaned.

I said, “I’m not going to discuss all your varied issues, but I do need to ask, have you seen the scissors?”

“The... like the black handled ones?”

“Yeah, the ones you didn’t put away. The ones that are supposed to be in the upper storeroom.”

Sean walked up with a big smile and a bounce to his step, then he froze. “Och nae, I wondered where everyone was... Are ye havin’ another meetin’?”

Lizbeth heard him as she entered from the kitchen, wiping her hands on her apron. “Another meeting! For what purpose?”

I said, “James and Quentin were having an argument in the courtyard, so—”

“So ye decided ye must talk about whose turn tis tae kick the rooster?”

Beaty was sitting on the floor beside a low wooden box filled with straw. Mookie was rooting through the straw looking for his favorite stuffed animal she had hidden there, a blue moose that Isla named Moosy. Beaty covered Mookie’s ears. “Kick the rooster! Ye canna kick Master Buttnugget! He is the father of all the wee chicks! Daena hurt him, Madame Lizbeth.”

“Och, Madame Beaty, tis just a thing tae say. I am nae going tae kick him — though Madame Beaty, if ever there was a rooster tae deserve it, tis that one. He is nae fit tae live in a civilized castle. He was chasin’ Isla just—”

“Och, he daena mean anything by it.”

Just then there was a loud chant of children’s voices from outside, then the kids swarmed in. Ben and Archie were leading, then Sean’s son, Gavin, and Lizbeth’s son, Jamie, and then a trailing of cousins including Lizbeth’s other son, Ainsley, who was still a bit wee, and other kids, and then at the end Lizbeth’s daughter, Mary, with wee Isla riding on her hip.

Maggie, Sean’s wife, followed behind. “My apologies, Queen Kaitlyn, I see ye are havin’ another meeting. We dinna intend tae interrupt, the kids were wanting a parade.”

The kids marched around, taking food from the trays, scratching Mookie behind his ears, scattering crumbs as they circled us and then departing through the great door.

Maggie said, “I will follow, but wanted tae ask ye, Master James, ye said there would be plentiful water? Tis needed for the laundry.”

He said, “Aye, Madame Maggie, it’s coming. Quentin and I were just discussing it.”

“Good, I am verra much looking forward tae it. Cleanliness in the eyes of the Lord, is the surest way tae eternal reward.” She kissed Sean sweetly on the cheek and headed out of the room

Lizbeth said, “Madame Emma, please allow me tae hold the Feeling Stone.”

Emma passed her the rock, a stone from the shore that was about the size of our palms, and had two googly eyes stuck to it, and no one would fess up to who brought them. First Lizbeth chuckled, as she always did, at the funny eyes on the stone, then she said, “Master James, Master Quentin, ye promised me there would be water by the end of the month, and tis almost upon us.”

Quentin said, “Yeah, I know, we brought all the parts.”

“Aye,” said James, prone to having a Scottish brogue these days. “Quentin and I will start building it later today.”

She said, “Good. Now Master Fraoch, ye ken ye need tae help them. I ken ye want tae fish, but we need the water, now we are luggin’ it from the docks, and I winna say it in front of Maggie, but I heard it might be warm? Twould be a lovely thing tae hae warm water and if ye lend a hand it will go faster. Twould be excellent. Madame Hayley, I need ye in the storeroom taeday, we need tae go through the cloth. Kaitlyn will ye speak tae auld Eamag in the kitchen? She has been arguing with Zach even more than usual.”

He said, “Is that what she’s doing? I can’t understand half of what she says. I thought she was agreeing with me.”

Emma asked, “Zachary, with her hands going like this?” She gestured angrily.

He joked, “Oh, you mean, when I said, ‘What this soup needs is more spices,’ and she was shrieking, ‘Nae! Nae!’ She was arguing? Now that I think about it, you might be right.”

Emma said, “You think?”

Then Lizbeth turned to Magnus, “And finally, Magnus, I need ye tae—”

Magnus laughed, “Ye dinna advise Madame Emma!”

Lizbeth put her hands on her hips. “Because Madame Emma daena need my advice. Ye on the other hand...”

“Och nae! I am perfection, I will help wherever I am needed and...”

Sean laughed. “Ye ken what we need is much less talkin’. We need tae put down the Feeling Stone, and there needs be more doin’.”

Lizbeth laughed. “Here Sean, so ye can speak.” Lizbeth passed him the rock.

He said, “I hae the Feeling Stone so ye must listen tae all I say. We ought tae hae some games of strength and battle this out like friends and brothers.”

Fraoch said, “Or we could send them out tae the Eilean a’ Chombraidh tae settle it. Ye can come back from the Island when ye hae finished the argument.”

Quentin said, “Shit, I can’t even remember what we were fighting about.”

James said, “Me neither, great plan, Emma, we talked for so long we ran out of steam.”

Emma laughed, “My work here is done.” She passed Zoe a stuffed turtle.

Sean said, “We hae one more issue tae agree upon. Master Cook, ye need a woman tae settle ye down.”

He passed the stone to Fraoch who said, “Aye, Master Cook needs a woman.”

We all laughed.

The stone was passed to Hayley. “James needs a woman.”

It was Magnus’s turn, he patted the stone, “I concur,” and then tossed it to Quentin who said, “Yep, gotta get laid.”

James sighed. “Seriously, y’all gotta come at me with this? I will say it again, there are no unmarried women in this entire castle. I’ve looked, I would find them.”

Quentin said, “Okay, fine, no need to be tense. This is what we need to do, one big hug, come on!” He stood up, put out his arms, and gestured us near. “Come on, bring it in, hug it out.”

Beaty joined him first.

Then Zach who said, “Hell yeah, we have not had enough big group hugs in the eighteenth century.”

Emma joined in next, and then Hayley, Fraoch, and Magnus and me and finally James, Lizbeth, and Sean. We all hugged and held on laughing and then we broke apart.

James said, “Good talk. Glad we got that all settled.”

Sean crossed the room for the door, but said over his shoulder. “I still say ye need tae use yer bait and tackle, Master James.”

James laughed. “Everyone is married!”