Operation Meet Cute by K.M. Neuhold

Chapter 3

HARLOW

Is it technically mail tampering if you don’t open anything and you take it back to the right person the very next day? Not that Landon Miller is going to call the police on me anyway. Or would it have to be the FBI since it is a federal crime and all? It’ll be fine. I’ll take his mail up to him, he’ll take one look at me, fall madly in love, and we’ll live happily ever after. The plan is foolproof.

I run my fingers through my hair one more time to make sure it looks just right and then grab the stack of mail I have waiting by my door to take upstairs. Get ready to fall in love, Landon.

“If you can hear me, Keanu, it would be really great if this one could work out,” I mutter, looking up at the ceiling and picturing God-Keanu smiling down on me. I reach into my pocket to make sure I have my apartment key before I step out, and a smile instantly springs to my face when my fingers meet a piece of paper.

Two years ago, I made a comment about how I wish I could find a man to write poetry about me. Teddy decided it would be hilarious to start leaving terrible poetry all over my apartment, often shoved into my pockets. How or when he hides them is a mystery to me. He must leave work early some days to do it.

I unfold the paper and read the hasty scrawl.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Your pants are way too tight.

But you already know that, don’t you?

I laugh out loud and then shake my head. The man knows very well that I only wear the tight pants to catch the eye of any potential Prince Charming. When I’m lounging around the house with him, it’s sweats all the way. Designer sweats, mind you, but sweats just the same.

I carefully fold the note back up and set it on the table next to the door. I keep all of the notes stashed away in a little box in my bedroom. I’ll put it there later. Right now, I have a date with Landon.

I jog up the steps and stop outside Landon’s apartment. Shuffling the mail in my hands for a few seconds, I take a deep breath and knock on the door. I’ve seen him around the building a few times since he moved in last month. He’s handsome, sophisticated, and Landon is definitely a leading man’s first name. Now he just needs to get on with falling in love with me.

The door swings open, but instead of my future husband, preferably wearing nothing but a towel, I am met by a beautiful, smiling woman…yes, in a towel. How does she get her hair so shiny? And her teeth, they’re blindingly white. Maybe she’s his sister.

“Hi, I have Landon’s mail.” I hold up my stack of envelopes and wave them.

“Oh, great. I’m his girlfriend. I can take those.” She reaches out for the mail, keeping one hand clutched on her towel.

“Sure.” I hand the stack over. “Things are good with the two of you then?” I ask, in a last ditch effort to salvage this mail scheme.

“What?”

“Is he definitely straight or is he maybe at least a little bit bi?” A guy can dream, right?

“I’m sorry, who did you say you were?” She seems annoyed. I suppose I can’t blame the woman. If I had a man like Landon, I’d give the stink eye to anyone slinking around after him.

“No one, just a neighbor. Bye.”

She slams the door in my face. Well, it was nice while it lasted, Landon.

Since that mission was a total bust, and I’m already on the right floor, I head a few doors down to Teddy’s place and go inside without bothering to knock.

“Excuse you,” he says indignantly, pulling his hands out of his pants as soon as I step through the door.

I glance suspiciously at the TV. “Were you jerking off to a Red Lobster commercial?” I arch an eyebrow at him.

“I was scratching my balls.”

“Riiiiiight.” I give Teddy a big, exaggerated wink, deftly catching the pillow he chucks across the room at me. “It’s totally cool, dude. I’m not here to kink-shame you. Jerk off to seafood if that’s your journey.”

“Do you have any idea what a pain in the ass you are?” he grumbles, hitting me with another cushion as soon as my ass touches the couch.

“Whatever, you love me,” I say, and Teddy mutters something I can’t quite make out, but I’m sure is glowingly positive about his very best friend in the world. “By the way, Landon in 45 has a girlfriend.”

“Told you,” he says, making a noise of protest when I yank the remote out of his hand and click over to his movie list.

“No, you didn’t. You said you thought he was straight.”

“Same difference,” he argues.

“One of those things is based on your assumptions of a person from five feet away without ever speaking to them, the other is visual proof of a committed relationship.” I click on Runaway Bride and Teddy groans.

“Not this one again,” he complains.

“I like Julia Roberts.” I settle back and shoot a grin at Teddy, who, in spite of his complaints, isn’t making any effort to take the remote back and put on something else. “This is one I haven’t tried yet.”

“Running away from a bunch of weddings in the hopes that the right man will come along?” he guesses.

“Exactly. Although, if I could find one man willing to marry me, it would be kind of stupid to run away, right?”

“Right,” he agrees with a chuckle. “To be honest, I can’t imagine you running away from a guy only willing to suck you off, let alone one who wants to marry you.”

“Amen to that. Again, I’d have to find one first.” I lean into Teddy and grin when he throws his arm around me.

I’m not sure if he likes platonic cuddling as much as I do or if he’s just humoring me. Either way, I love that he never seems to mind. He’s just right for cuddling too, a soft layer of padding over some decently toned muscles. Plus, major bonus, he has some nice fur to keep us both warm. Not that we need to keep warm in LA, but if we’re ever stranded in the mountains or something, we’ll definitely be able to keep warm.

“Dry spell?” he asks.

“I think we passed dry spell and slid into full-on desert about three months ago,” I confess. “What about you? Getting any hot action lately? And please answer in great detail so I can live vicariously through you.”

He snorts a laugh. “Sadly, no. It’s been a while for me too.”

“Why’s that?” I eye him. He’s objectively hot. With tattoos covering both arms plus the aforementioned fur and physique, he’s a full-on bear. Not to mention, he also has his shit together: steady job doing something that sounds really boring and important, his own car, and a cute little gimpy cat to complete the package. He should be beating men off with both hands…and I do mean two at a time.

“I could ask you the same thing,” he points out, eyeing me in the same way I was just looking at him.

“Men are intimidated by my enthusiasm.” I repeat the very diplomatic assessment Marnie gave me during our video chat the other night after she told me all about the engagement and wedding plans.

“Is that it?” Teddy smirks and quirks an eyebrow at me.

“Apparently. And you still haven’t answered the question.”

“I don’t have the time or the inclination to go out and scour the bars for ass.” He sounds exhausted by the very prospect of it.

“They have these things called dating apps these days, grandpa,” I tease. “M4M is supposed to be really good.”

“Eh.” He shrugs one shoulder. “You ever use a dating app?”

“What kind of meet-cute would that be?”

“Could be like a modern You’ve Got Mail situation,” he reasons.

“Hmm…” I tap my chin and consider it. “I’ll take it under advisement.”

“Glad to hear it.”

“You really should though,” I push again. I’m not sure why I care, except that Teddy is basically the most amazing man on the entire planet and deserves more happiness than this world even has to offer.

“Maybe.” He doesn’t sound all that committed to considering it. “To be honest, I’m more likely to hit up Reggie, my former friend with benefits, if I get desperate enough.”

“Yeah? How’s that work?” I somehow managed to miss that phase in my life where any friend can become a friend who also gives you handies when the mood strikes.

“Works fine,” he says vaguely, paying way too much attention to the movie for a man who was just protesting even putting it on. “We were hot and heavy for a while, then he met someone and got serious with them for a bit. Now, we text each other every couple of months or so for a hookup, usually when he’s in between boyfriends or my hand just isn’t getting the job done.”

“And you just get each other off and then watch TV together or something?”

“Pretty much.” Teddy shifts in his seat. Is this conversation making him uncomfortable? Or is it making him horny? I sneak a peek at his lap, and yup, there’s a noticeable bulge there. I guess he wasn’t kidding about his dry spell.

“Well, hell, we could do that.” I didn’t realize I was considering the idea until the words are out of my mouth. But it’s actually pretty smart. “We’re close enough that sex definitely won’t ruin anything, plus we live fifty feet from each other, so it’ll cut down on travel time.”

Teddy pulls his arm off of me and looks at me like I’ve grown an additional three heads. “Be serious.”

“What wasn’t serious about that?” I ask. “If you don’t think I’m hot, that’s fine.” I mean, he would be incorrect, but there’s no accounting for taste, so I’d get over it.

“Of course, I think you’re hot,” he says, sounding impatient as he stands up from the couch and drags his hands through his hair. “But you don’t want to fool around with me.”

“Why not? We were both talking about how horny we are, and this really would make a lot of sense. We could relieve some pressure while still continuing our own lives. I can keep looking for my leading man, and you can do whatever you do all day long.”

“I don’t understand why you can’t remember what my job is,” he teases, completely off subject.

“I know what your job is. You invest in hedgehogs.”

“That’s not…” He huffs and shakes his head at me.

“Listen, Teddy Bear, it’s no big deal either way.” I pat the cushion next to me. “Text Reggie, jerk off by yourself, or let me blow you. It was just a suggestion.”

He continues to eye me as he sits back down like he’s afraid I’m going to strip down and fling myself at him at any second. “I’ll think about it.”

“Cool.” I pick up my phone. “Are you hungry? Because I’m starving.”