The Wedding Night They Never Had by Jackie Ashenden, Millie Adams
CHAPTER FIVE
“FOOLISHNESS!” SHESAID, without even thinking. “I cannot marry you.”
“And why not?”
“You said you didn’t want power,” she said, narrowing her eyes. “A lie. You are making the ultimate power grab now that you are here.”
“You brought me here—you can hardly accuse me of engineering it. But think about it. What stronger stance will you take as a Queen than having a King beside you? And I can protect you, truly protect you. I can be in your chamber at night.”
Heat crackled up her spine. “You said you did not want my body.”
“I do not. But this is a traditional country. Do you think you won’t create rumors by bringing me here? Me? With my reputation?”
Her eyes went narrow and bright. “Okay. I see. But...but to what end?”
“Any end. The end that makes the most sense.”
“And what do you get out of it?”
“The good I can do commanding an army outstrips what I can do alone. Don’t you think?”
“For how long?” she asked, her chest squeezing tight. “How long would we have to...?”
“For life. A royal marriage cannot be anything else, but we can live separate lives.”
“And...and children?” she asked, her throat dry as sandpaper.
“There will have to be children. For your kingdom.” His words were like stone. “But no need to concern ourselves with them for now, don’t you think?”
She shook her head, her ears buzzing like they were filled with bees. “Years.”
“Years,” he agreed.
“I am angry with you,” she said, her heart thundering hard. “Because this is not stupid. Not foolish. But I do not want it.”
“I didn’t want to come here in the first place, but you brought me. If you bring a lion into your house, you cannot be angry when he goes on the hunt, can you?”
She sat there, her scalp and cheeks burning with shame.
“What are you thinking about?”
“Sex,” she responded.
“A topic you seem invested in.”
Her face was like fire now. “Well, you asked me for marriage, and that means it matters. Is what they say about you true?”
“Who, and what?”
“The papers. They say you’re very wicked. That you...that you have an insatiable appetite for women. In a sexual sense.”
“I understood what you meant.”
“Well, I find that I’m curious. If it is true.”
“No.”
Her stomach felt something strange. It was a lot like disappointment, though it shouldn’t have been. “Oh.”
“I’m not insatiable. I suppose, if you ask some, I’m wicked. But...insatiable implies a bit more passion than perhaps I feel.”
“You are not passionate?”
He looked down the table. “You’re hungry, yes?”
“Yes, I am hungry. Maybe five times a day. I eat small amounts at a time typically.”
“Sex is another appetite,” he said.
The words were flat, and practically spoken. And she did not think they should make her stomach go tight.
“When I am hungry, I eat. When I want a woman, I seek one out. I do not see the point in denying hungers. But I’m not a glutton.”
“Hmm,” she mulled. “Perhaps I am.”
“Do you think?”
She looked at her plate of food, which was half-demolished. And she looked at what remained. “Yes. I think I might be. I have been denied, and this is all here. And I want it all. Everything I have missed.”
“You think it will be the same with other things?”
“I’m beginning to wonder.” She frowned. “Will you have love affairs?”
“I do not intend that we should be beholden to only each other,” he said. “Be as gluttonous as you wish.”
“So, you would have me take lovers, then?”
“Eat your food, Annick.”
His patience with her was wearing very thin. She could see.
“I suppose I must learn to be less forthright.”
“Probably.”
“It’s just I’m very tired of this.”
“I’m sorry, but a life in the public eye is to an extent signing up for a life of subterfuge. This is something I know a lot about. And you did not answer me.”
“This is not fair. I want to be me, and I want to be free, but that is not... It is not possible, is it?”
“No. For a life of public service means always carrying yourself with a certain amount of diplomacy.”
“Yes. Though...”
“There is no though,” he said. “If you wish to be taken seriously as a leader, if you wish to be seen as something other than a child, caught in the center of all this, if you wish to be a Queen, to escape the tragedy that has happened to you, then you have to behave like any leader would be expected to behave.”
“I have done,” she said, feeling irritated now. And exceptionally hard done by. “I went and kidnapped you, did I not? I behaved as a leader would. I refused to subject my country to further unrest by keeping us at risk. I am strong.”
“Then you will learn to show it in a way that the world recognizes. You asked me to come and help you. I have offered marriage. Now, don’t resist me.”
She let out a particularly delicious French curse and then took another bite of delicious pastry. At least her fury paired well with butter.
“Don’t take it personally.”
“I’m tired,” she said. “That is all.”
“Go to bed.”
“No. I’m tired of my life. For a moment, I looked at all this food and I thought, why should I not have everything I want? But then you reminded me. You reminded me that I must be, in some way, still not me.”
“You can be you. With the friends that you have here in the palace. It’s just that with diplomats you are going to have to endeavor to behave in a certain fashion.”
“All right. I endured prison these many years. Why not more?”
“It is prison?” he asked. “To be married to me?”
“I do not know.” She looked at the table laid out before her. She would have had to choose a husband someday. And he was a good choice. The idea made her skin feel oversensitive. “No. I suppose it’s not.”
“And a gentle reminder, that you have taken me prisoner.”
“You have agreed,” she said.
“In the way that you agreed?”
She waved a hand at him. “Don’t do that. Don’t try to paint yourself as some sort of victim, when we both know you’re not. You would not stand for it. You have agreed to help me, and I cannot say that I know why, but I do know this—you have chosen to. I was prepared to fight to bring you over to my side, but I did know that I needed to bring you to my side. I knew that I was not going to be able to hold you as a prisoner.”
“Indeed, Annick.”
“Don’t you ever feel tired? Two lives. It’s too many lives. I did not even do it so successfully, and it was too many for me.”
“It is not,” he said. “Because I am living one of them for someone who cannot live at all. Perhaps if you thought of it that way, it would help.”
Her heart twisted, the sympathy that she felt surprising her. She had lost so much it was rare that anyone else’s loss touched her. Then again, she didn’t often sit and speak to another person. Not like this.
“Who did you lose?”
“It doesn’t matter. Who doesn’t matter—not anymore. But dedicating my life to removing men from the world who create destruction? That is a fitting tribute to their memory. Trust me on that.”
“It is strange, is it not? That sometimes to become avengers of atrocities we must commit some of the same. You know, me kidnapping you.”
“We do what we must. I cannot despise you too greatly because of that.”
“I find I cannot despise you, this marriage bargain notwithstanding. But then, it was never my goal.”
“What is your favorite?”
She looked at all the food. “I couldn’t choose.”
“You must have a favorite.”
“Choice. That’s my favorite.”
He smiled and nodded slowly. “That is a good answer.”