The Trophy Wife by Evie Baxter
Sixteen
Well, this day wasn’t going as I planned.
Isla was screaming with laughter as Bastian held her high in the air so she could carefully place the wooden block she had recently removed from below onto the top of the stack. The game had been almost five feet tall when we started. It had been beyond her capabilities to reach the uppermost blocks at the beginning. Now that a number of blocks had been removed and relocated to the top, she was having the time of her life.
The squeals of laughter that were emitting from her were infectious and part of me was happy. Even if I had wanted her to be having a bad day and causing havoc with this picnic date. Truly, she was the one thing that I thought for sure would have Bastian running back to London as fast as he could. Instead she was charming the socks off him.
The grin on his face and the ease with which he interacted with my daughter gave away his comfort with the situation I had forced him into. This was ridiculous. Who went from a one night stand to a first date on which a four year old attended as well? Had I lost my mind?
This had to end today. After the game playing, food eating, kite flying portion of the day was over, I was going to make it clear to Bastian that I would not be seeing him again. I would explain to Isla when we were home. Tell her how Bastian lived a long way from us, and it wasn’t possible for him to be seeing us on a regular basis. I knew she would be disappointed. My girl liked people and she had taken a shine to Bastian.
I kicked myself mentally. I never should have placed her in this situation. It had been selfish and foolish of me. I’d make sure it was a mistake I did not repeat. Just because I was damaged didn’t mean I wasn’t determined to bring my daughter up to be the most confident person she should be. I didn’t want my fears to rub off on her.
“Look Mummy! I did it!” Isla shrieked, effectively shaking me from my thoughts. Time enough for self-recriminations later on in the day when I was on my own.
I smiled up at my little girl, still perched high in Bastian’s arms. “You did do it. I think you’re better at this game than Mummy is. But it’s my turn. Let’s see if I can manage not to knock the tower down.”
“You can do it, Mummy,” she cheered me on.
And so it went. Blocks were pulled out from below. Breaths were held. Screams of joy were emitted, from Isla that is. Triumphant smiles had to suffice for Bastian and me. The tower got wobblier and wobblier until, as I carefully tried to ease another block free from its starting place the wobbles turned into a full on collapse. We all jumped back as the heavy wooden blocks tumbled about, threatening shins and toes alike. I was thankful to see that Bastian swept Isla up in his arms free from any potential harm when it was clear the blocks were going to fall.
“Never mind, Mummy,” Isla said consolingly, leaning down from Bastian’s arms to give me a kiss on the cheek. “Better luck next time.”
Who was the parent here, and who was the child?
“Yes, better luck next time, Tori,” Bastian said through a broad grin. He too leaned down to kiss my cheek, but I stepped swiftly back before his lips could land on my skin. I caught the fleeting look of disappointment cross his face before he resumed a happy expression. He turned Isla upside down and dangled her above the picnic blanket for a moment while she squealed with laughter.
When he lowered her down, she jumped up and shouted, “Again! Again!”
Unfazed by her demands, he gave a playful growl and repeated the process before he dropped down on the blanket beside her, indicating the game was done. “How about we have our picnic now? I do believe I may have included someone’s favourite foods.”
“Mine! You brought my favourite foods didn’t you. Because I told you what I loved. Oh please tell me there are no egg sandwiches in the hamper,” Isla pleaded.
Teasing her, Bastian unbuckled the hamper and opened it a crack and pretended to take a deep smell of the hidden contents. “I’m not sure. Does that smell like egg to you, Isla?” he asked.
Isla lay down on her tummy beside where he was sat and did an over exaggerated deep inhale of breath, her nose jammed into the crack. “No! That smells just like sausage rolls. I knew you’d bring me some! Thank you!” She jumped up from her prone position and threw her arms around Bastian’s neck and gave him a massive hug.
My heart broke.
I saved my daughter from a monster, but she was missing so much from her life. She was getting to the age that she was aware her friends had daddies and she did not. Sure she had my father and my brother for male figures in her life, and she adored her Uncle David. But she still didn’t have a father and my heart hurt for her.
Because her birth father was a bastard of the highest order and the best gift I ever gave my gorgeous little girl was removing him from her life totally. But the broken me had been incapable of moving on and allowing for a better man to be in her life.
I willed the tears back as I watched Bastian playfully wrestle Isla to the picnic blanket, tickling her while he told her there were only egg sandwiches for her. Her peals of laughter were the most beautiful sound my soul could hear, but it was tainted by my thoughts.
It was plain as the nose on the end of my face, Isla was desperate for male attention. And me introducing Bastian to her was like showing her the holy grail. I had to nip this in the bud, because if she saw Bastian again after we said goodbye to him on this day, Isla was going to form an attachment that would cause her heartache when that bond was broken. I couldn’t subject her to that.
The glow in her eyes as she looked at Bastian and accepted the sausage roll he offered her was testament that my daughter had her first boy crush. On the man I had a one night stand with.
“What’s wrong, Mummy? Are you sad again?” My ever perceptive child picked up on my mood like the champion she was. She wasn’t even five and she knew that her mummy got sad, and sometimes Granny took her for a sleepover so that Mummy could find her happy again.
“I’m okay, sweetheart,” I whispered.
“Do you need a cuddle?” Even as she spoke the words, she was placing her sausage roll on the plate Bastian had provided and was standing to move over towards me.
“Yeah, baby, I do, thanks. I love you.” She wrapped her little arms around me and tucked her head into my neck and whispered to me that it was going to be okay. The role reversal cracked my heart a little more than it already was.
Then Isla leaned back, clasped my face between her small hands and gave me a big, loud kiss and declared, “Come on, Mummy. Bastian brought the scrummiest food. Let’s eat.”
And so we did. We ate until we were all groaning from eating too much, lying back on the blanket and staring at the sky while Isla pointed out the clouds that looked like things. A star, a rabbit, granny – she had a fit of giggles at that one. I shook off my mood and helped Bastian clear up the detritus from our feast, wiped down plates and cutlery for repacking into the picnic basket, and sent Isla over to the nearby bin with the trash.
“Are you okay?” Bastian asked me quietly in the brief moment that Isla was out of earshot.
“Sure,” I replied offhandedly.
“Yeah, sure,” he repeated after me, giving me a doubtful look.
“I am!” I insisted. “Or I will be after you leave. You can’t come here and be all nice to Isla and then leave again. She will expect to see you again. And I can’t do that.”
Bastian’s brows drew together in irritation. “Why not? Why can’t you see me again? I’m happy to drive up from London. It’s not a problem. I want to see you again, and Isla too. She’s lovely, Tori.”
“You can’t see us. Because one day that drive is going to seem too long and then you won’t come. And you’ll break her heart. I won’t let you do that,” I hissed at him as I kept my eyes on Isla who was running back towards us.
She looked between the two of us with a concerned expression. “Mummy, are you fighting with Bastian?”
“No, sweetheart. We were just discussing how it’s such a long way to London from here that it will be difficult for him to see us again.” Bastian narrowed his eyes at my bold statement but kept his mouth shut and didn’t argue with me. Isla was a different matter.
“But I want you to come back, Bastian. You’re so much fun! Pleeeeaasseee!” she begged.
Oh god! I felt the panic spear through me. I could feel my breath growing short and hard to catch. My heart was racing. I looked down at my hands and saw that they were shaking. I was going to have a panic attack. I hadn’t had one in so long, and I hated it. The stress of realising I was having an episode for the first time in years just ramped my levels of anxiety higher.
I turned wide eyes on Bastian because I had no idea what to do. I couldn’t breathe. Isla was staring at me, her face puckered with worry. We were in the middle of a park surrounded by people. And I was about to lose it totally.
“Isla,” Bastian grabbed her attention away from me. “It’s time to fly the kite but your mummy isn’t feeling well. Why don’t you get it out its carry case and I’ll help her? I think she just ate too many sausage rolls. Go on, sweetheart, see if the kite’s tail is in a tangle. Mummy can rest and get herself feeling better while we fly the rainbow butterfly.”
Isla looked at me doubtfully and I tried my best to give her a reassuring smile while I waved a shaky hand towards where the kite was and nodded my head. She hesitated but then followed Bastian’s instruction, unzipping the carry case and carefully pulling the colourful kite out.
“Head between your knees, darling.” Bastian placed a hand gently on the back of my neck, urging me to follow his instructions. “Deep breaths. Count them. Slowly breathe in. That’s good. Now out. That’s one. How about we do ten deep breaths. Can you do that for me?” His voice was calm, and he spoke low in my ear so Isla couldn’t hear.
“You’re going good. Come on. Another deep breath. I’m here. No one is going to get to you. I’ll take care of Isla. Everything is okay, Tori. We’ve got this.”
It took several more breaths, but I could finally feel my racing heart start to slow down. Bastian rubbed gentle circles on my back with his broad, strong hand and continued counting each breath to me.
“Is Mummy okay?” Isla whispered at my side.
“She’s fine, Isla. How’s the kite? Is everything in order?” Distraction techniques were being employed to the max.
“Yes, but the string isn’t tied to the kite. I’m not very good at knots. Can you tie it on for me?”
“Of course, sweetheart,” Bastian gave her a reassuring smile.
“Thank you,” she sounded dubious. “But Mummy…” she trailed off.
“Mummy is starting to feel better, but I think it’s best she watches us do all the running around to fly the kite while she relaxes on the blanket. What do you think?”
Isla leaned over and kissed the part of my cheek she could reach what with my head still down between my knees. “A kiss makes everything better, doesn’t it, Mummy?”
At that, I lifted my head enough to make eye contact with her. “Always, Isla. Your kisses are magic. I’m going to be okay now, because of your kiss. Go fly your kite with Bastian. I’ll take photos on my phone so you can show Granny later.” My voice was barely audible, but she heard me, and it reassured her.
She gave me another kiss, much more exuberant this time, then allowed Bastian to take her hand. They bent over the kite, talking about the best place to try and fly it, whilst Bastian attached the string. I concentrated on taking measured breaths while I looked at their heads, bent together over the kite. Bastian’s gold tinged brown head next to Isla’s rich dark brown locks.
Breathe, I told myself. Just breathe. Everything will be okay. When I was sure I had control over my body again, I flopped back onto the blanket and stared at the clear blue sky. This day hadn’t gone at all how I expected.