The Singing Trees by Boo Walker
Chapter 34
AN UNEXPECTED ENCOUNTER
Annalisa’s struggles did not dissipate in the passing months leading into summer, and despite her family’s constant reassurance, she was not growing into being a mother. She tried when she could, but the hurt she felt inside crushed her, and at times she wondered if her pregnancy had triggered some illness that the doctors couldn’t find.
Getting out of bed in the morning often felt like an impossible undertaking, but sometimes the guilt of her failure as a mother was enough to force her to wake and nurse Celia. Still, as soon as Nonna or another family member took over, she’d climb back into the bed and lie there in her miserable thoughts. She barely ate, barely smiled. When she looked in the mirror, she couldn’t even see who she used to be. Her eyes were hollow, and her ribs showed. The lines on her face were that of someone a decade older.
For so many years, she could see the beauty in even the simplest sights. Not now. Nearly all her life, she’d been bursting with the urge to paint. No more. As far as she was concerned, she was now done forever. The world didn’t need more artists, she decided. It was the selfish dream of a girl who didn’t quite understand the big picture.
She couldn’t stop thinking about the mothers around her, girls she’d grown up with in the Mills. They seemed to be so comfortable holding their babies, pushing strollers down the street, going to meet their husbands for playtime in the park. As evidenced by their smiles, they were happy to spend their Saturdays cooking for their husbands toiling away in the yard. These same mothers appeared to enjoy nursing. For Annalisa, it couldn’t have felt more unnatural, and she hated how her nipples cracked and bled. No matter how painful, though, Nonna wouldn’t allow her to stop. Truthfully, Annalisa wanted to continue—despite the pain—as she knew it was best for her baby.
Without a car, Annalisa and Nonna counted on other family members to take them around town to run errands. Nino, who had proved to be a wonderful uncle figure, would often pick up Annalisa and Celia, and they’d go on an adventure. As unhappy as Annalisa felt, she faked it as best she could. Though Nino could see right through her attempts, she hoped her baby could not.
On a warm day in early June, they went on such an adventure. When Nino asked what they should do, Annalisa said, “Can we go by Harry’s and get some ice cream? I want to see if I can get my old job back.”
“Yeah, sure.” He paused. “But are you sure?”
She was not at all sure. “What else am I going to do?”
“I don’t know. I’m sure you could get a job at the mill.”
Annalisa didn’t tell him that she’d rather kill herself. That was where her father had worked. “I don’t think that’s for me.”
“Why don’t you open a little gallery? Something like you had in Portland. The tourists would go crazy for your work.”
“With what money, Nino? Even if I did, we only get traffic in Payton Mills in the summer when all the tourists drive through. How would I make money the rest of the year? What would I sell? I haven’t as much as picked up a pencil since Celia was born. Before that even. I don’t even see color anymore.”
Nino turned back to look at Celia in the baby seat Walt had gifted them. “Just get over yourself and marry a rich man. Use your looks to your advantage.”
“My looks? Those are long gone.”
“You’re such a pain, cousin. Seriously, get out there and start dating again. Every guy in this town has his eye on you. All you have to do is smile a little.”
“You’re a broken record,” she said, growing irritated. “I don’t want to marry someone just to have some security. I may have lost who I am, but I still have a little dignity.”
They pulled onto Main Street, and Nino looked for parking. “I think you’re confusing dignity with Mancuso hardheadedness. If you’d say yes to one of the guys who asks you out at church, you’d see. Not everyone cares.”
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” It made her stomach hurt thinking of anything to do with love. Everyone told her that heartache goes away. Hers hadn’t waned in the slightest. If anything, it was getting worse.
“I can’t have Nonna support us any longer, and I need to save for a car. I definitely can’t ask you to keep carting us around for the rest of our lives.”
Nino slowed the car. “Yes, you can. That’s what family is for.”
Moments like this lifted her up. She might not believe or have any interest in romantic love, but familial love was a certainty.
“Celia is my responsibility.” She turned back to her daughter, wishing she could be stronger.
They parked in a slanted spot outside of Harry’s, and Annalisa felt herself being sucked back in by Payton Mills. If she wasn’t careful, she would end up marrying someone she didn’t love just so that she could quit taking from her family. She hated that feeling of being a burden almost as much as being a failure.
Now that she’d tasted what it was like to love, how could she possibly fake her way through a marriage to someone she didn’t care about? After knowing the pain of heartache, how could she possibly set herself up to feel that again? Would it be worth it just to find a father for Celia?
The smell of vanilla always hit her when she pulled back the glass door to Harry’s and the bell rang, and it was an apropos scent, as that was what her life felt like, and that was exactly what her life would be if she settled for some guy just to make her life easier.
Annalisa pushed the stroller as she looked around the shop. A young girl with curls spilling off her head was restocking the candy jars. That used to be Annalisa. This girl would one day be in the same spot as her, being urged to settle for one of the boys from the Mills who had no interest in ever leaving.
“Can I help you?” the girl asked.
“I used to work here,” Annalisa said, thinking of the days when Thomas used to come see her, and when he’d strut in, and the bell would ring, Annalisa’s own bell would ring too.
“Oh, that’s neat. You must be Annalisa, right? Harry’s told me about you.”
“That’s me. Is he around?”
“He’s in the back. Let me grab him. I know he’ll be excited to see you.”
While Nino eyed the tubs of ice cream through the glass, Annalisa picked up Celia and said to her swaddled baby, “This was my old life. Your mommy used to work here.”
Celia was adorable and had started to develop a more distinct look, so clearly divided between Thomas and Annalisa. Celia’s curious and loving smile looked like it had been sculpted from Thomas’s face, but the little girl had Annalisa’s occasional suspicious glare. Like Annalisa, she also had a full head of dark-brown hair. Sometimes, when she looked at her daughter, she felt her heart hurt. Not today, though. Today, looking upon her daughter made her happy. Maybe that could be considered a victory.
“Look who’s come home,” Harry said from behind the counter. When he noticed Celia, his voice rose an octave. “And look at this little one.” He rounded the counter and opened up his arms.
“Meet Celia,” she said.
Unlike Eli at the farmers’ market with his gooey cinnamon buns that he never touched, Harry was a result of a man living amid candy and ice cream for most of his life. He was unhealthy, but as sweet as the jelly worms, and he’d been a great boss. He spoke to Celia for a little while and eventually handed her back to Annalisa.
“She’s really beautiful. I wondered when you’d bring her by.”
Annalisa had been avoiding this place. In fact, she’d been avoiding Main Street as best she could because she was tired of running into people who always said something like, “Once you get out there into the rest of the world, you realize the Mills isn’t so bad. Right?”
Right.
“What brings you back to town?” Harry asked. “I thought I’d never see you again.” He added a hello to Nino.
Being the small town that Payton Mills was, Annalisa was sure he knew most of the story, so she figured he was making small talk. “Oh, you know Nonna wouldn’t let that happen. Actually, I’ve moved back for a while.” She didn’t know why she added that last part. For a while. Where else was she going? She wouldn’t be leaving here for the rest of her life.
“Aren’t we lucky then?”
Annalisa glanced at the girl now stocking gummy peaches, then whispered, “I hoped you might have some work for me. Even something part-time?”
He looked at the girl, too, and slowly nodded. “I could give you some part-time work. We’re busy now, but I’m not sure after season.”
Annalisa had a feeling that would be his answer. “I’d take anything you have to offer, Harry.” Anything to keep her from working at the mill or marrying a man she didn’t love.
“I’d be happy to bring you back.” He set eyes on Celia. “Has she had her first taste of ice cream yet?”
Annalisa shook her head. “Never. She’s too young.”
“Oh, nonsense,” he said lovingly. “Let her have a little taste. Trust me.”
“C’mon,” Nino told her. “Live a little.”
“Fine.” Why pretend to be responsible now?
Harry bounced his eyes across the colorful flavors. “We have to pick the perfect flavor for her first ice cream. How about vanilla? A tried-and-true classic.”
“No way,” Annalisa said, thinking she didn’t want her daughter to know anything vanilla in her life.
“I know,” Harry said, rounding the counter and reaching for the scoop. “Butter pecan is what dreams are made of.”
“No!” Annalisa snapped, so loudly that the girl stocking the candy, Nino, and Celia, who rested against her chest, all turned their heads. “Sorry. It’s a big decision.”
“Okay,” he said. “Not butter pecan. Not vanilla. How about we let you pick?”
Annalisa set Celia down in the stroller and looked through the glass at the flavors, wondering how many scoops she’d scooped here over the years. She’d had a few favorites. At one time, it had been strawberry and then lemon sorbet. During the last few months before she’d left, she had a love affair with mint chocolate. “How about mint chocolate?”
“Bold choice,” Harry said.
“For a baby?” Nino asked. “Babies don’t like mint. Give her that bubblegum-looking stuff.”
“A mother knows best, Nino.” Harry took a sample and handed it to Annalisa. “Why don’t you do the honors?”
With everyone in the store watching, Annalisa said, “Okay, honey, let’s see what you think of ice cream.” She held the tiny spoon close to Celia’s mouth.
Celia’s nose wrinkled as she smelled it. She moved closer, hesitantly. Then her little tongue poked out and licked the green deliciousness.
For Annalisa, watching Celia’s eyes bulge and her cheeks inflate was like seeing blue sky after a month of rain.
“Isn’t that wonderful?” Harry asked. He even started clapping.
Annalisa was too busy processing her own emotions. As Celia tasted her first ice cream, it felt like Annalisa was experiencing her first true taste of being a mother. Before that moment, it had been all about the pains of no sleep and nursing and giving up her dreams, but for those seconds in Harry’s General Store on that June day in 1972, she tasted the beauty of being a mother. She saw a little girl, curious and eager. She saw a being completely in love with her mother, despite her mother’s emotional absence.
She’d gotten so used to forcing her face muscles into a smile that she was caught off guard when her lips turned on their own. Even more shocking was the elation that followed the smile.
Saying goodbye to Harry, Annalisa pushed Celia out of the store with a much-happier spirit. She carried a cone of mint chocolate in her hand. Nino was still inside chatting with Harry and had said he would catch up in a minute.
Annalisa was still on a high, thinking she’d never forget the look on her daughter’s face. As she pushed the stroller past the fried-fish restaurant where Thomas, Emma, and she had watched the draft, the smell of frying food pulling at her, she decided she would race home to draw the image before it escaped her memory.
Then she saw Emma Barnes, and a shot of adrenaline and alarm surged through her body.
At first, she hoped it was just another mirage. She’d been seeing things ever since that day she’d opened up the envelope from Elizabeth. Out of instinct, she pushed the stroller faster, trying to disappear. She risked another look farther down the block.
From outside a little tourist trinket store that sold items like Maine T-shirts and lobster key chains, Emma stared at her. Unless Harry had slipped something in her ice cream, Annalisa was not imagining this sight.
Emma stood frozen on the other side of the street. She wore brown washed-denim bell-bottoms and a formfitting cream top that showed that she’d become a young woman since Annalisa had last seen her. It looked like a couple of Emma’s friends were a few steps ahead of her. Despite everything telling Annalisa to run, to push that stroller as fast as she could, she stopped.
Emma looked down at the stroller and then back up at Annalisa. Fresh pain rose within as Annalisa was reminded of the strong camaraderie they’d found in their shared pasts, and she would have loved to continue to be in her life, to help her break out of the darkness.
She considered a dash across the street to say something. Perhaps she should beg her not to tell her brother. Emma certainly knew of Annalisa’s trip to Hawaii. Maybe Emma had surmised in those few seconds that Annalisa had moved on and married someone in the Mills and had a baby.
If Emma did tell Thomas, would he even care? The more time swallowed the past, the more it seemed like a silly high school affair. Annalisa knew different, though, and she realized as she looked through the eyes of his family member that Annalisa still loved Thomas with everything she had. And she loved Emma too.
As if Emma could sense Annalisa’s thoughts, she frowned, and a flash of pain glimmered in her eyes. Annalisa was a second away from calling out to her when Emma turned and walked away.
As if someone had handed her a sip of oxygen while trapped underwater, Annalisa breathed in desperately. She looked down at a yawning Celia and then back across the street.
Just like that, Emma was gone.
“What’s your problem?” Nino asked, coming up from behind.
With her hands on the stroller and questioning if she should have chased after Emma, Annalisa turned.
“Holy moly,” Nino said, “you look like you’ve seen Elvis.”
“I wish.” She searched down the opposite sidewalk, wondering if she’d made it all up. Maybe she’d lost her mind.
“Can you take us home?” Annalisa asked. “I’m not feeling well.”
“Yeah, sure. Did something happen?”
“I . . . I . . . I saw Thomas’s sister.”
His lower jaw jutted forward.
“I’m almost positive it was her,” she told Nonna back home. Annalisa had just put Celia down for a nap and was helping Nonna put away the clean dishes.
“Don’t worry about it. You have enough going on.”
Annalisa set a casserole dish into the cabinet with a bit too much force. “How can I not worry about it? If she tells Thomas, who knows what could happen?”
Nonna turned off the sink and wiped her hands. “Forget about it. This was all a long time ago now.”
“I don’t know if I can stay here. You don’t know Thomas’s father. If they realize I’ve been keeping a baby from them, it could be bad.”
“Where would you go?” Nonna asked. “No one is taking my great-granddaughter away. Don’t worry about it. She might not even have seen you.”
“We stared at each other!” Annalisa screamed, wondering why Emma had looked so bothered by their encounter. She sipped a relaxing breath. “Sorry.”
“Thomas might be curious, but that’s it,” Nonna said. “I’m sorry to tell you, but it sounds to me like he’s moved on.”
Annalisa couldn’t even bear to hear his name. “Or he might be curious enough to come find me. Anyone who looks at Celia will see the resemblance, especially him. I can’t live here any longer. I can’t raise his daughter forty minutes away from him.”
Nonna began to dry the utensils with her dish towel. “It’s time you pull it together and quit thinking about him. Whether Emma saw you or not, it doesn’t matter. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, you’re still hoping Thomas will come walking through the door. My bambina, he’s gone.” She lowered her voice. “It’s time you let him go.”
“I’m not holding on to him,” Annalisa insisted, reaching for a mixing bowl and trying not to have a full breakdown. “I don’t want him to walk in the door. I hate him. I gave him everything, and he cheated on me. He lied and told me he loved me. And he put a baby inside of me that I’m not fit to mother.”
With those words, Annalisa marched out of the kitchen.
“Basta!”Nonna yelled. “You can’t keep running away!”
“I’m not running away!” she yelled back into the kitchen. Annalisa didn’t care that she might wake the baby.
Annalisa stomped into her room and started throwing things. How dared Nonna say she still wasn’t over Thomas? It was none of Nonna’s business.