Puzzle by Nora Phoenix
10
What a weird day it had been. Ryder had gone back to Langley after he’d dropped off Branson, but he’d kept thinking about him for the rest of the day. He’d even texted him to ask how he was doing and had gotten an immediate reply that things weren’t looking good but that he was trying to stay positive.
Poor guy. Ryder knew little about his background other than the bit Branson had shared with him, but it seemed he was close with his parents, so this news had to hit him hard. He’d have to keep checking in on him, and Ryder had set a daily reminder for himself on his phone. Without systems like that, he wouldn’t even remember to get gas on time or file his tax returns, distracted as he tended to be.
Luckily, he had the perfect way to distract himself from worrying about Branson too much. Dorian had asked if he wanted to come hang out. For real.
Ryder knocked softly, not wanting to wake Amelia up in case she was already in bed.
“Attempt two,” Dorian joked as he opened the door for Ryder. “Let’s see if I can stay awake this time. Amelia is already asleep, so that should help.”
Ryder grinned. “Hey, I had a lovely time sitting on your couch and reading…for three hours.”
Dorian rolled his eyes. “I still can’t believe we slept that long.”
Ryder laughed as he followed him into the living room, which looked considerably neater than last time. “Tea?” Dorian asked. He knew Ryder didn’t drink caffeine after six.
“Yes, please. Large mug.”
It didn’t take long for Dorian to make himself a cup of coffee and prepare an herbal tea for Ryder, which he put down in front of him on the coffee table. “I’m glad we get the chance to hang out,” Dorian said as he sat down. “I feel bad about Saturday. By the time we woke up, we only had half an hour left before we had to go to my parents.”
“Don’t worry about it. It was clear you needed it, and I was happy to be somewhere else for a bit.”
Dorian winced. “Things not good with your parents?”
“They’re great, as always, but it’s not easy being back there after so long.”
“I bet. So if I may address the enormous elephant in the room, what happened with Paul?”
Ryder sighed. “You never liked him, did you?”
Dorian hesitated.
“It’s okay. You can be honest.”
“No, I didn’t, sorry. I never quite understood what you saw in him other than that he was hot.”
“He was… He was everything I wasn’t. Popular, social, sexy… It drew me in.”
“Ry, I’ve said this before, but you’re super sexy, just in a different way. He’s more obvious, too obvious even, like a ridiculously attractive movie star. You’re… You’re like that gorgeous hidden spot you can only discover after a strenuous hike, but once you do, it’s so worth it because of the view.”
Ryder blinked. “Damn, that was poetic for a fellow geek.”
Dorian laughed. “I surprised myself there, I’ll admit.”
Ryder’s laugh faded, and he let out a sigh. “I couldn’t believe someone like him would want me. I know you’ve told me repeatedly that I think too little of myself, but it’s how I felt. He liked me, wanted to hang out with me…and the sex was good. At least, I thought so.”
He frowned. Had it been good? He’d always told himself so, but now that he thought about it, Paul had rarely given him what he wanted. Or needed. Or maybe Ryder had never been open and honest enough about what he craved?
“Good or great?”
Ryder shrugged. “Decent with the occasional good? You know I can be demanding in bed, and I’ve had far, far worse, trust me.”
“That’s setting the bar damn low. You can expect more from your partner. Sexual compatibility is important, considering how much you like sex...and you’re not that demanding.”
“Maybe, but I always thought there were reasons, extenuating circumstances. He made such crazy hours as a resident that I understood he was often tired. Too tired for the kind of sex I prefer.”
“Makes sense...but I doubt that was the reason you split up.”
“No, he broke up with me as soon as he became an attending.”
Dorian’s eyes widened. “What?”
“Turns out he wanted me for my income and money. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have been able to afford a place so close to Georgetown. But once he made attending, he could pay for it on his own.”
“You’re fucking kidding me…”
The anger in Dorian’s voice was comforting to Ryder’s wounded soul. “I wish I were. And I wish that was all…”
“There’s more?”
Ryder took a deep breath. “He fucked every pretty boy he could get his hands on, all while spending my money and making me believe we had a future together. He bought furniture, had the apartment we rented all painted and spruced up, he got a new car…and I paid for it because we were together, and I thought we’d marry one day, and I made twice as much as him. And then he broke up with me, kicked me out, and I ended up back with my parents with an empty bank account.”
“What a fucking dick.” Dorian's eyes were blazing. “In fact, that’s how I’ll refer to him from now on. Dr. Dick.”
Despite everything, that made Ryder smile, but then the memories flooded him, and his happiness seeped away. He’d been so fucking stupid. The shame of it burned inside him.
“How the hell did he get away with it?” Dorian asked.
“His name was the primary on the lease, not mine. I discovered he’d changed that two years ago without my knowledge. The money, I was aware of, but I didn’t mind him spending it. You know I don’t give two shits about material things, and if it made him happy to buy an expensive couch… We weren’t in debt. I made sure of that, so I figured once he became an attending, we’d start saving.”
“But you should have at least gotten half of the things he bought, like his car, the furniture…everything else.”
“He hurt me so deeply that I didn’t care anymore. As if I wanted that couch he bought that wasn’t to my taste in the first place. It would only remind me of him. No, thanks. I took my own stuff, like my books and my collection of puzzles, and of course my car, and I walked away with my head held high.”
“I’m so sorry…and he cheated on you as well?”
Oh, that had hurt as much as the money had. “I was such an idiot. I never even suspected him because whenever we were out, he was always so attentive and sweet to me. Everyone kept telling me how lucky I was to have such a smart, successful, and sexy boyfriend.”
Dorian huffed, clearly disagreeing with that statement. “How did you find out?”
“One of his coworkers told me. We’d met at some hospital party he took me to, and she and I had connected over a shared love for those brainteaser puzzles. She loved them as much as I do, and we had a fun conversation. When she caught him fucking some nurse a few weeks later, she thought I should know. I confronted him, and…he told me the truth.”
“What truth?”
Ryder looked at the floor, studying the pattern in the hardwood. This part hurt the most, and he’d barely admitted it to himself. Dorian would understand, though, and he would be kind. “He said I was way too bossy and demanding in the bedroom, utterly boring outside of it, and that I’d never done something spontaneous in my life. He told me that my whole life was one big predictable combination of systems and structures and that he’d suffocate if he had to be with me for the rest of his life…”
Dorian was up in a flash and took a seat next to Ryder on the couch, then pulled him against him. “He was out to hurt you where it would hit you the hardest. What a despicable thing to say.”
Tears burned in Ryder’s eyes as he leaned into Dorian’s embrace. “Is he wrong?”
“What do you mean?”
“Yes, it hurts, but is he wrong? I do live for routines and structure, both in my job and my personal life…”
“So do I, and even more now that I have Amelia. Hell, my whole existence is one big routine. Does that make me boring?”
“No, but… You became a dad. You made that decision, and you went after what you wanted.”
“So did you. You chose to be a forensic accountant, and you did whatever you had to to get there.”
“But…” Ryder sat up, then half turned so he faced Dorian. “He said even my job was boring.”
“Is it?”
“What do you mean?”
“I know you can’t tell me much about what you do, but is it uninteresting?”
Ryder thought of the intense joy he’d felt that morning when Branson had told him they finally had Hamza Bashir’s real name. The events afterward had eclipsed his emotions, but what a rush that had been. And Ryder might’ve only played a small part, but his financial digging had helped them find Bashir…and it would allow them to ultimately nail Kingmakers; of that, he had no doubt.
“No, absolutely not. It’s like a challenging puzzle to me, one of those giant ones with ten thousand pieces, and you don’t know where to start. So you find the corner pieces first and then search for patterns, colors, anything that stands out. But no matter how long it takes, I finish it, and my reward is to see the entire picture and take in all the intricate details…and then I start on the next one. Except in this case, the puzzle matters because my part is connected to a much bigger part, and if I do my job right, it helps prevent a lot of bad things from happening. I love it.”
“So he was wrong about that. Your job isn’t boring.”
Funny, now that Dorian said it so calmly, Ryder could easily see what he meant. Paul had been wrong about that. “To him, maybe, but not to me.”
“So the problem was with Dr. Dick. Big surprise there.”
“I suppose so.”
“I say this with all my love, Ry, but Paul was a douche. A second-rate jerkwad who used you and cheated on you. Why would you take a single word out of that lying bastard’s mouth seriously?”
Ryder giggled at Dorian’s description. “Why don’t you tell me how you really feel?”
“Oh, I have more choice words for that mothereffing son of a bitch, trust me. Just getting started here.”
Ryder’s laugh rang out. “Thank you. Strangely enough, that does make me feel better.”
“All joking aside, you can’t take Dr. Dick’s opinion seriously. He lied to you this whole time, so what makes you think his parting words contained even a shred of truth?”
Huh. Ryder hadn’t looked at it like that. “They hurt me real deep,” he said softly.
“Which was his intention, I’m sure, but he told you those things, knowing they’d hit you hard. He’s lived with you for five years. He knew exactly what to say.”
Ryder swallowed. “He really is an asshole, isn’t he? How could I have been such an idiot? I’m supposed to be this super smart guy.”
“You are, just not with relationships…and let’s face it, neither am I, or I wouldn’t be a single dad. But he’s the one who’s wrong here, Ry, not you. Even if you had been the biggest moron on the planet, that still wouldn’t have made it okay for him to cheat on you and use you. That’s all on him.”
Ryder gave in to his need for physical comfort, and he snuggled up to Dorian, who smiled as he draped his arms around him and held him close. Funny how despite both of them being gay, they’d never so much as kissed. The attraction had never been there, not even a little bit. Dorian was like his brother and best friend, all wrapped into one.
“I’m sorry I allowed Paul’s dislike of you to come between us,” he whispered. “I should’ve ignored his opinion.”
Dorian caressed his hair. “I understand…and believe me, if you hadn’t reconnected with me when you did, I would’ve come find you. Nothing can come between us, Ry, and especially not Dr. Dick.”
How had he ever gotten so lucky with a friend like Dorian? “Thank you. I’m still sorry.”
“I know. You’re forgiven. I love you.”
“I love you too.” He blew out a long breath. “I don’t think I ever want to be with someone again,” he said hoarsely. “I’m way too scared I’ll get hurt again.”
“Give it time. You’ll feel differently in a few months.”
“Maybe. I kinda want to keep it casual from now on, though. Really get to know someone before I take the next step. You know, like hook up.”
“I used to do that before I had Amelia. Now sex is a distant memory… Pretty sure I’ll need hours of prep if I ever have sex again. I haven’t so much as had a good-sized dildo up there in months.”
Ryder chuckled. “Your poor asshole, all lonely down there.”
“You have no idea. Single fatherhood isn’t for the faint of heart, let me tell you. But I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“I’m happy to babysit if you ever want a night off. I mean, I have zero experience with kids, but I doubt I could kill her in a few hours, right?”
Dorian snorted. “That’s reassuring. Great sales pitch, bro.”
They were quiet for a while, Ryder’s heart finding peace as he pondered Dorian's words. “My parents are selling the house,” he finally said. “They’re moving into a senior living complex. I have about a month to find a new place.”
“Oh, crap. Good for them, of course, but that’s the worst timing ever.”
“I don’t have the money for a down payment to buy something, and I can’t cover a security deposit yet. If they had waited, like, three months, I would’ve been fine. But they don’t know the details of what happened with Paul, and I’ll never tell them.”
“The commute would be even worse than from your parents’ house, but if you can’t find anything else, you and your vast collection of books and puzzles are welcome here.”
Warmth filled Ryder’s chest. “Thank you. It would add another fifteen minutes to my drive, but it’s great to have something, so thank you.”
“And I may take you up on your offer of babysitting. I could use a good dicking.”
Hmm, there was an idea. A good dicking. Ryder’s ass contracted at the thought but in an eager way. It had been seven weeks since Paul had broken up with him, eleven or twelve since they’d had sex, which, in hindsight, should have clued him in something was wrong. Ryder could do with a hard fuck himself to help him get his mind off everything.
Maybe it was time to score himself some dick. Find an app he could safely use, considering his job, and arrange a hookup. Mmm, yes, the more he thought about it, the more it appealed to him. He would fuck Paul and all the insecurity he’d caused out of his system. There. Problem solved.
