In My Dreams I Hold a Knife by Ashley Winstead
Chapter 34
April, sophomore year
“—are you kids doing?” The gas-station owner, a silver-haired man in coveralls, stepped out of the doorway, waving a red kerchief at us.
“Oh shit,” Frankie said. “Hurry up, guys. I can’t get in trouble—”
“I’m on the football team,” we all finished, nailing his inflection.
“You know, Frankie,” Heather said, carving her last letter, “I’m really starting to get over this whole football thing. Constant practice, never allowed to have fun. You should really find a hobby that suits my lifestyle better.”
“Your lifestyle of petty vandalism?”
Heather kissed the blade of her pocketknife, then blew the kiss at Frankie.
“Why does the gas-station owner look like an extra in a 1950s gangster movie?” Caro asked. “Did we slip through a wormhole and travel back in time?”
“One more Star Trek reference,” I warned her, “and I’m going to start calling you Eustice.”
“But Tiny’s right.” Mint slid his sunglasses over his eyes in full movie-star mode. “We should get out of here, daddy-os. Go burn some rubber before the fuzz shows up.”
“Nerds.” Jack waved a hand at us. “And everyone at school thinks you’re so cool.”
“Give me—one more… Okay, done!” Coop rose from the picnic bench and snapped his pocketknife closed. “You asked for immortality? Well, here it is. Feast your eyes.”
The seven of us gazed at the tabletop, where Coop had carved a message—with a little help from Heather, who couldn’t stand being out of the spotlight. EH7 was here.
“It’s beautiful,” Heather said. “I commend myself.”
“Classic,” Jack said. “Concise.”
“Good craftsmanship,” Mint agreed. “I know we’re all so surprised Coop knows how to wield a knife.”
“Did anyone else realize we just signed our names to a crime?” I asked.
“Uh, guys?” Caro looked over her shoulder. “The owner’s coming.”
“Oh fuck,” Coop said, scrambling. “Run.”
Heather squealed, and we took off across the rest stop to where the cars were parked, the boys piling into Mint’s Range Rover, the girls into Heather’s convertible.
Heather revved her engine and tossed the gas-station owner a kiss.
“You kids are delinquents!” he yelled, waving his kerchief after us.
“We’re so sorry!” Caro said as Heather reversed and then roared forward, trailing Mint.
“No, we’re not,” Heather yelled with a backwards wave. “We improved it!”
We slid onto the highway, which in Myrtle Beach was a two-lane road running parallel to the coast. The sun was setting, casting a softer, golden light. With every break between the houses, I could see the ocean, waves tumbling. The salty wind whipped our hair.
In front of us, Jack leaned out the window of Mint’s car and whooped in victory. Heather whooped back.
“You’re insane,” I told her, spitting hair out of my mouth, where the wind had kicked it.
“It’s spring break. You know I love you dearly, Miss Straight-A’s-or-Hara-Kiri, but try loosening up for once in your life.”
Caro snorted at Heather’s words, turning in the passenger seat to grin at me. Her dark hair flew over her shoulders, streaming into the back seat.
“I’m not uptight,” I said. “I’m very loose.”
“Ha! That’s not what Mint told me.”
I glared at the back of Heather’s head.
“That’s it!” Caro squealed, pointing at the mansion on the corner.
“No way,” I breathed. “It’s huge.”
Heather whistled. “Well, thank you, Momma Minter.” She turned in her seat and winked at me. “Whatever you do, hold on to that one.”
Mint’s car slid smoothly into the driveway. Heather followed, sighing dramatically as she hand-cranked her convertible top. “God help me with this car. I need a new one, desperately.”
“It’s an Audi,” I said, popping my door open.
“Yeah, and like, four years old.”
I caught Caro’s eye. We both started laughing.
“What?” Heather asked. “What’s funny?”
Coop raced over to us. “Jess, you’re going to love this. There’s a deck in the back that looks right over the ocean.”
Frankie popped Mint’s trunk. “Why Jess and not me? I enjoy decks.”
“For sunsets,” Coop said, as if Frankie was an idiot. “So she can draw then.”
Mint swung his bag over his shoulder and raised an eyebrow. “You draw?”
“I don’t… It’s just a hobby,” I said.
Caro practically tripped over her own feet. “Remember she drew our entire float last year? The castle? It was so much work.”
“Gross—no one’s working on spring break,” Heather said. “Even hobbies.”
“I call dibs on the master.” Jack ran for the front door, then turned back with an impish grin. “Suck it, Mint. Rule of first possession!”
Mint’s face paled. “Oh no you do not.”
Frankie rolled his eyes. “For sure Jack became a history major so he can cite obscure old laws to get what he wants.”
“You can take turns in the master,” said Caro, the peace broker.
“Jack,” Heather admonished. “You know Mint and Jess need privacy. They’re sensitive flowers. Let them have it.”
My cheeks flamed. Sensitive, uptight Jessica Miller.
I looked at the ocean, vast and tumbling behind the house. “You know what? I’m going skinny-dipping.”
“You’re what?” Jack stopped his mad dash for the front door and turned, wide-eyed.
I yanked off my shirt and tossed it on the ground. “Naked. In the ocean.”
Around me, nothing but a circle of shocked faces.
“With the sharks?” Caro blurted.
“With the sharks and the whales and the fish.” I sprinted past the house toward the beach. There was no one around but us, so it wasn’t the most daring trick in the world, but still, I felt invincible as I ran. Not uptight—strong and brave and unstoppable. The early evening sun was magnificent over the water, creating a shining path that stretched over the waves, all the way to the horizon. I was half-convinced I could walk it, like a bridge.
I tore off my shorts, grinning over my shoulder. “You guys coming?”
Frankie whooped and charged forward. “Way to steal my move, Miller.”
“Last one in buys drinks tonight!” Heather yelled, ripping off her top and unhooking her bra.
“Ahhh!” I shrieked, covering my eyes as she ripped off her shorts. As usual, she had to be the most. Now, the most naked.
“I know this is an elaborate plan to see me naked again,” Frankie said, kicking off his shoes so they flew in opposite directions. “Even though you’re probably braced for it, I want to remind you: there is not, in fact, a whale in my pants. It’s just me.”
“Gross, Frankie!” Caro squealed, tugging on her necklace. She hadn’t taken off a stitch of clothing.
“Birthday suit, Rodriguez!” Heather took a running leap into the waves, now one hundred and ten percent naked.
“It’s okay—I’m going to skinny-dip in my clothes.” To her credit, Caro bounded after Heather into the waves.
Frankie, as naked as Heather, turned to face us with a huge, devilish grin—pausing for a second to wink—then jumped into the ocean back-first, landing with an audible smack.
My mouth dropped open. Frankie.
“He wasn’t lying!” Jack yelled, jumping in after him. “It’s a whale of a tale!”
Still clutching my bare chest, I doubled over, breathless with laughter. And then Coop was beside me at the shoreline, his eyes cast out over the ocean. He turned to me, smiling. There it was, the look that shut out the world. This time, I didn’t look away, and something shifted between us. The short distance from his body to mine—the small bit of air and sand—was no longer inert but alive. I was aware of his body, so close to mine, within touching distance. His gaze felt like a physical thing, a finger stroking my arm, raising the fine hairs there.
Coop’s bare shoulders sloped with muscle. His Adam’s apple bobbed beneath the cut-diamond lines of his jaw. His dark hair lifted in the wind. I reached out to touch it, smooth it on instinct, and he sucked in a breath.
I drew my hand back. “What?”
His eyes, so serious. “I’m memorizing your face in this light.”
As I opened my mouth to speak, Mint barreled toward us out of nowhere, scooping me in his arms and lifting me high over his shoulder. I screamed with surprise, heart pumping adrenaline as he rushed to the ocean. The last thing I saw was Coop standing alone on the shore, lit with soft, golden dusk, all sharp eyes and enigmatic smile. The perfect figure drawing.
And then we plunged into the sea.
Under the surface, in the cold, in the salt, swallowed by waves, I pressed my eyes shut, letting myself sink. And in that moment a wild wishing came over me. I wanted to stay here, submerged forever. Above the surface, all the days of my life were waiting like a promise. There was nothing but a blank slate, and anything goes, and what if. My life could mean anything, I could become anyone, as long as I didn’t break surface, as long as I stayed here, suspended, in this beautiful, infinite now.