Vengeful Soul by Emma Creed
“And tomorrow, Ella’s gonna let me take care of Dylan while Prez takes her and Maddy to her final dress fitting in town,” Gracie explains excitedly, as she sits on the couch beside me and snuggles her body into mine. I've been listening to her tell me about her day since I got out the shower. And strangely, I don’t find it irritating. Actually, it makes me feel kinda good. I’d been thinking about her, and what she’d be doing while I’d been gone. I was thinking about her while I slit Donald Ashby’s throat and watched Satan steal his soul. In fact, I can’t the girl out of my head.
Ashby was the second person on the list that Gracie's mom and her partner had put together. And while I sit here on my couch listening to CIA agent Helen Scott’s daughter chatter about her day, her enthusiastic smile putting a warmth in my chest, I wonder what the woman would think if she knew a man like me was so close to her daughter.
“Brax, are you even listening to me?” Gracie laughs, her hand resting on my chest and her body nestling closer to mine.
“I’m listening,” I tell her, focusing solely on her now, the way her eyes have lit up over the past week and her smile being so permanent makes me believe for a moment that she could be happy here.
“When I get back home, I’m gonna get straight to work on it. Maddy found some night classes I could take and I can volunteer in the meantime…”
I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about but hearing her mention home feels like a punch to the balls, and that warm feeling inside me suddenly shifts into something that claws at my flesh.
“Sounds great, Gracie.” I get up from the couch and move into the kitchen, gripping at the edge of the unit to try and contain my frustration.
This isn’t the girl’s fault. This isn’t even my fucking fault. This is all Tobias Saunders’ fault. He put the hate in my heart, he stole my chance at ever being part of a girl like Gracie’s future.
“You okay?” She comes at me from behind, her hands sliding around my waist, and I close my eyes and try to block out the way they soothe me.
“I’m fine,” I take a deep inhale and turn my body into hers. It hurts that I can’t change the past. That I can’t change who I am for her. “I just forgot that I promised Prez I’d do a job for him tonight. I’m gonna have to head out for a few hours,” I tell her, watching my hand as it slides over her cheek, and how she leans into it so willingly. It’s worrying how affection like this overrules my restraint when I’m around her, it’s even more worrying that I’ve given up trying to fight it.
I leave the cabin hurtin’, a blood thirsty, rage fueled kinda hurt that’s dangerous for anyone who decides to cross me.
“What ya doin’ down here? Thought you’d be busy in ya cabin playing house with that hot piece of ass Prez put ya on,” Tac greets me when I sit at the bar, and I could easily swing for the mother fucker.
I ignore him, nodding to the bitch behind the bar with the pink hair.
“Tequila?” She looks at me sympathetically instead of seductively, like she can read the thoughts in my fucking head and I nod back, tapping my foot impatiently against the leg of the stool I’m sitting on. I take the blunt from Thorne when he offers it to me, hoping it might take some of the edge off. I don’t know why, I gave up on that shit working years ago. Nothing’s ever gonna take the edge off me. That’s the fucking problem.
“You doin’ okay?” Nyx asks a few hours later, coming up from behind me just as I’m about to order another drink.
“I’m doin’ fine,” I snap back at him,
“Prez wants me to handle a collection, you wanna come with?” I was gonna go with Tac but he looks busy. We both look over to the sofas where he’s got his head wedged between a fake pair of tits.
“Sure,” I agree, figuring that anything beats sitting here moping over shit I can’t change. I follow him outside toward one of the cages and something inside me snaps when I see Tommy leaning against his car, a smug as fuck grin on his face as he talks to a fucking hang out.
There’s no mistaking who he belongs to, he’s got the same evil eyes as his old man, he’s just paler, and a lot scrawnier. Tommy’s done a good job of avoiding me around the compound since his uncle Skid gave him a fucking pass. And up to now I’ve let him be, last thing I want is to expose myself to others.
But tonight, this little grunt got me on a bad one and if I can’t make his old man suffer, I guess I’ll have to have a hit at the next best thing.
I march straight over to the little fucker as he opens the car door for the skanky whore he’s with. And he screeches out in shock when I grab him by his scruff and slam the front of his body into the hood.
“Brax, what the fuck?” Tommy’s voice muffles against the hard metal.
“Where’s ya Pappy, Tommy? And think real hard before you bullshit me.”
“I don’t know where he is, I told you guys everything.”
“No. You spoke to Jessie, and Nyx. Now I’m askin’ ya. Where is he?”
“I don’t know where he is. I swear.” The piece of shit sounds scared. He should be. Doesn’t matter what’s in the kid’s blood, he’d never have made the cut.
To be a Soul, you gotta be fearless.
“I call bull shit.” I take my knife from my back pocket, holding it steady under his chin. And the girl who's watching in horror takes off running back into the bar.
“You won’t hurt me.” Tommy trembles like a wet fucking rat. His head shakes while he tries to convince himself of his own words. “Uncle Skid’s orders,” he adds.
“You see your uncle Skid anywhere now?” I ask, tipping my head to one side, and pressing the tip of the knife a little deeper into his flesh.
“I don’t know where my old man is.” His cries become more desperate and it feeds me nothing. I don’t want Tommy’s fear. I want answers.
“I. Don’t. Fuckin. Believe you.” I drop my elbow hard into the back of his neck before I spin him around, taking his throat in my hand and slamming the back of his skull back hard against the hood. I drop the knife from my hand and let my fists take turns smashing into his face and body, and I keep going until I feel blood drip between my fingers. Something strong tugs at my shoulders, and I take a swing behind me. One that Nyx manages to duck out the way of just in time.
“Get out of here, you piece of shit,” he yells at Tommy, before grabbing both my shoulders and throwing me in to the wall.
“What the fuck was that? You know Prez’s orders about Tommy. He knows jack shit. Me and Jessie made sure of it.” I shove my brother off me and start heading toward my bike.
“Brax!” Nyx calls after me, but I carry on walking, acting like I can’t hear him. “Brax!” he calls out again, gravel crunching beneath his boots as he stomps behind me. When he catches up, I’m already on my bike. Revving the throttle to drown out the sound of his voice. He looks frustrated as hell, especially when I skid off and head back up to my cabin. I park my bike, and storm inside slamming the door behind me.
The place is empty when I step inside and I find a note on the table that reads…
Gone to Ella’s, be back soon.
I can’t help being relieved. I don’t feel much like being around anyone right now, I just hope Nyx ain’t stupid enough to try and follow me, wound up like this… I’m better off alone. But it doesn’t seem like I have that option when my door flies open and Nyx barges in looking savage.
“You wanna tell me what all that shit was about?” He steps up to me, heat raging from him. I haven’t seen him this angry since he found out I was the reason he got sent away from Ella.
“What shit you talkin’ bout, Nyx?” I play it down best I can, even though I know it’s far too late to be pulling that crap.
“You know what I’m talking about. You, going against Prez’s orders, wanting to go on the whole Chop rampage again… Jesus, Brax. You think there’s not a fucker in this club that doesn’t want to see him put under for what he did? But you… you’re fucking relentless.” Nyx’s head shakes like he’s disappointed in me before he scrubs a hand over his face in frustration.
“Look, I know what you need. I even kinda get it. But this one ain’t yours to see through. When we find Chop, he’s Skid’s. So why are you so fucking hell bent on getting to him, especially when you got bigger things to be worrying about right now?”
“Bigger things, like what?” I choke out an obnoxious laugh. The kid doesn’t have a clue how much hatred I have for Chop, and if he knew my reasons, I guarantee he’d want it just as much as I do.
“How about your family, Brax? Me, your nephew. Hell, even Ella wants you to be part of her life. Fuck knows why, the way you treat people.”
I can see whatever it is I've done has pushed him too far, he can’t stand still, pacing in front of me like a caged wolf.
“You kept who you were from me for years. You damn near cost me the girl I love, not to mention my kid. And you know what will happen if you get to Chop and do what’s Skid’s to be done. No brother will vote you in. Is that what you want? To tear this family apart before it’s even had the chance to get started?” The way he’s looking at me is evidence that Nyx doesn’t understand. He’s hurting, and yeah, I’ve let him down. But all that shit’s his own fault for setting his standards so high when it came to me.
I’m too selfish to be part of a family, even one as fucked up as ours.
“You know what, it’s your fuckin’ funeral, Brax. I’ve tried, I was even starting to forgive you for that shit you pulled with Ella. But how can I let you in to something if you don’t want to be fuckin’ part of it?” Nyx storms for the door to see himself out. And all of a sudden, I don’t want him to leave.
“You were too young to remember her,” I speak as calmly as I can manage, and my brother freezes before he opens the door.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” He turns around. And I notice how tired he looks, tired of my shit.
I dig my hand into the inside pocket of my cut and take out my wallet, then I lay the only picture I have of our mama down on the table. I sit down and wait for his reaction.
Nyx steps forward, lifting the picture up and studying it hard. Mama’s holding him on her lap, while her other arm is wrapped around me. I remember Grammy taking the picture sometime before the two of them fell out.
“This is exactly the kind of shit I mean.” Nyx looks hurt and mad all at the same time. “You’ve had this photo all this time, and you’ve never thought to show it me. Did it ever occur to you that I might want to see this?” Anguish spreads in his eyes as he lifts them off the photo and on to me. “You’re right… I don’t fucking remember her, Brax, and I kind of hate you a little because you do. What you forget while you’re wallowing in self pity, is that you have memories, you got shit like this, and I got nothin’.”
“That’s not true.” I light up a cigarette, tossing my lighter at the table before taking a long drag.
“You’re just fucking like her, Nyx. I see the way you are with your kid. How you’d give up anything just to get a fuckin’ smile outta him. Your world revolves around your girl and that little boy. Everything you do, you do for them. And that love keeps you working hard, it gives you a purpose, just like it did with her.” My voice is coming out scratchy and I can’t hide the emotion in it.
“You wanna know what gives me purpose, Nyx?”
My brother nods his head, clearly fucking curious to get a glimpse inside my head.
“Hate. Vengeance and pain, that’s what keeps me moving forward, it feeds my strength and keeps the blood pumping into my veins. It’s the core of my existence. I don’t know who I am without it, because I’ve forgotten how it feels not to be angry at the world.”
If he wants this brother bonding crap, he’s welcome to it, but it’s bitter and fucking ugly. Nyx doesn’t answer my question and I hate that he looks as though he feels sorry for me.
“Our mama did what she could for us…” I start to explain, I figure it’s time he heard the truth.
“My dad walked out on her when I was three, and I’ll be straight. I don’t think she even knew who your dad was. But she took care of us best she could. Alone.” I can feel the wrath building with every word I speak, the weight of anger getting heavier. And it almost always leads to destruction.
“She gave up everything for us, Nyx. Even her self-fucking-respect.” Nyx looks back at me like he doesn’t understand what I’m saying. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to.
“Our Mom was a fucking hooker, bro,” I spell it out for him. “She sold herself to put food in our bellies and a roof over our heads.” My brother’s face turns from confused to stunned, but I still carry on. I've held all this back from him for far too long.
“And he took her from us. Right in front of me while you cried in your fucking cradle. He took her.” The words force their way out of my tense jaw, angry tears welling in my eyes as my fists shake with frustration.
“Who are you talking about?” Nyx is looking back at me like I’ve gone crazy. But he’ll understand in the next few seconds.
“Tobias-fuckin-Saunders.” I speak his name through my teeth, and watch Nyx’s brain catch up.
“Chop,” he says the name that the asshole took up when he came here, as he slumps himself into the chair opposite mine with a stunned look on his face.
“It was before he was a member of the club, he was working a gang of women, kept them all in apartments opposite the bar he ran—”
“Chop killed our mom,” Nyx interrupts me, still reeling in shock.
“He did, And I didn’t join this club for the fuckin’ brotherhood. I joined because when I got old enough to track that fucker down, I found out he was a member. I prospected in a different Charter to his and I’ve bided my time ever since. Then by some fucked up coincidence, you got drawn here too,” I tell him, resting my elbows on the table and leaning forward. “I’ve waited for years to make him pay for what he did to her.” I press the finger holding my cigarette onto the picture. “I've traveled from Charter to Charter getting relief in the only way I know how, building enough respect to get close to him…”
I don’t bother telling Nyx that he’s the reason that I didn’t kill the man every time I came here, he’ll see it as hope that I can be a better man. “I feel for Skid, what that cunt did to Carly was unthinkable. But Chop’s mine, Nyx. He’s been mine since the night he took her from us.”
My brother looks like he got a bad taste in his mouth, his nostrils flaring as he stares down at the photo of the three of us together. And I wonder if by telling him all this, I’ve put the curse inside him too.
“You got all the best out of her, Nyx. You got her heart, and that caring nature she had.” I take another long toke on my smoke, then smile like shit don’t hurt. “I got a faded photo and a life-long fucking grudge.” I give him time to process, to try and piece everything together in his head.
“Promise me you won’t act on this,” he says eventually. I can’t look him in the eye and lie to him because if Chop were in front of me now, I don’t think killing him once would be enough. I’ve thought about too many different ways to do it over the years.
“Brax, I mean it. I fucking hate him for what he’s done. But you know the consequences if you go against Prez’s orders,” he warns.
“Jimmer ain’t my Prez. Not yet,” I remind Nyx, who looks about as serious as a man with a noose around his neck.
“You had no right to keep this from me,” he narrows his eyes. And I hit him back with all that I have. Honesty.
“I wasn’t ready to share her,” I admit, knowing I’m a cunt for being so selfish.
“You have to stop with this shit, Brax. You can’t live for hate, not when there are people around you trying to be part of your life.” He leans forward, pressing his palms on the table and lowering his head so my eyes are forced to look at his. “Years ago, I know you came to my foster home. I heard you threaten the kids that gave me shit. I never saw your face but I did see the cut you wore, and as soon as I was old enough, I found the closest Charter. Me being here is no coincidence. You brought me to the club… I found Tac, who's been like a father to me, I've made friends who would lay down their lives for me. Then I met Ella, who gave me Dylan, and you know they are the best thing that ever happened to me. In some fucked up way that’s all down to you. You can be happy here too, Brax, if you give up on all the hating. You even got a girl, one, who for some reason is crazy about you.”
“The girl is irrelevant,” I growl back at him. Gracie ain’t being made a factor in this.
“Whatever,” Nyx shakes his head in frustration. “Just think about shit, Brax. Think about what you stand to lose if you carry on gunning for Chop the way you are. And if it don’t mean all that much to ya, then I guess you deserve your vengeance more than anybody.” On that, Nyx is gone. Slamming the door behind him and leaving me alone. Just how I like it… at least that’s what I convince myself.