Born By Moonlight by Krista Street

Chapter 9

~ AVERY ~

The river bubbled and swirled in soft trickling sounds as a light breeze flowed through the forest. Most of the trees were bare, readying themselves for winter.

I sat on a log at the water’s edge, my feet dangling beneath me as autumn leaves fluttered to the ground. I’d been out here for at least twenty minutes, hiding from everyone. I’d practically run from the training room to avoid my squad’s sympathy and the crowd’s pity.

Escaping to the woods was supposed to allow me a moment’s reprieve. I’d hoped that maybe out here with nature at my back and the sun on my face that all wouldn’t seem so lost and hopeless.

But it wasn’t working.

Humiliation washed through me again and again. I’d failed. Failed so badly.

I didn’t need to wait for the afternoon to know my score from the judges. In the history of the SF, no ambassador recruit who’d made it all the way through the grueling three months of training had ever failed all three tests. I knew. I’d looked it up.

Our tests were always easier. They were tailored to our strengths so we could pass. Passing my test was supposed to be a given.

I kicked at a rock, my mood souring even more. Several days ago, I would have passed it with flying colors. Because I’d still had my magic then. I’d still had my strength and self-confidence. I’d still had purpose, until the Safrinite comet took everything away from me.

I lay a palm on my chest where the encapsulated power from the comet had resided within me. I couldn’t feel it anymore. Now that the itching had ceased, it was merely a vacant void.

It’d effectively killed my magic—as it apparently had set out to do. It was like a cancer, eating away at my insides and maliciously destroying everything in its path. I had no idea why or what purpose it served. It didn’t seem to know or care either. All I knew was the comet’s magic had changed me, and slowly, it was killing me.

I glanced at my phone again. Still no reply from my parents. I’d finally texted them, a simple and concise message.

Need to talk to you guys. There’s something important I have to tell you. Please call me.

I couldn’t put off telling them any longer. With my magic gone, there was no more hiding or denying what was occurring. It was only a matter of time before the rest of me faded too. And my parents deserved the truth because I needed to decide how I wanted to spend my remaining days.

I still yearned for the Institute. Some may say I was crazy to want to spend my last few weeks on earth working, but I’d dreamed for so long of following in my parents’ footsteps. Even if I only worked for a week or two at the Institute, it would be enough. I just wanted a taste, a tiny bite of the life that I could have led.

Surely that wasn’t asking too much?

A branch snapped behind me. I jerked my head around, and my lips parted in surprise.

Wyatt stood two yards away.

Shit.

His dark hair was disheveled, his eyes glowing. His rugged beauty stole my breath and created a longing in my heart.

For a second, I remembered the way I’d once felt for him—the longing, the wishing, and the all-consuming admiration and love—but that was before everything between us became ugly and jagged, before he’d used me and discarded me.

A bitter taste rose in my throat.

“Did you come to congratulate me on my stellar performance?” I asked sarcastically, trying for a fake chipper tone. I even managed a meager smile.

But his expression didn’t change. He prowled steadily forward, his attention never leaving my face. I knew I wasn’t fooling him.

My smile slipped, and I hastily turned around, blinking rapidly. I wouldn’t cry. Not now. I would completely break down if I started crying, and I didn’t want him to see me that way.

He’d taken enough from me. He wouldn’t take the sliver of pride I had left. The only thing I had left.

Damn him. Why did he have to come out here? I was so fucking vulnerable right now.

The bastard probably knew it.

The log creaked when he sat beside me. He left a foot of distance between us, and I waited for him to say something, tension curling in my belly.

A minute passed.

Then another.

Silence reigned.

Okay . . . So, maybe he hadn’t followed me out here to prey on me while I was down.

I didn’t dare look at him. Instead, I nibbled my lip, remembering what I’d learned of him while he’d been gone. He’d used his money—whether that be his personal money or his SF budget, I didn’t know—to have me trained to the best of the SF’s ability. He’d personally asked Major Armund to train me because she was the most qualified. Something a commander had apparently never asked of a colleague before.

He’d also carried me from the fae lands to the healing center after the comet’s magic rendered me unconscious.

He’d retrieved my car when I’d been too unwell to do it.

And he’d stopped to see me before he’d left for his assignment to tell me the truth of what the Safrinite comet had done to me.

So, what the hell did all of that mean?

I closed my eyes, needing a moment.

I thought of my mother, of the things she’d tried to teach me. She always said that actions spoke louder than words; that actions were what you could trust about a person’s character.

A few months ago, I would have said that Wyatt’s actions spoke more than clearly for him—he didn’t want me, I was a burden to train, he regretted hooking up with me.

But in the last week, I’d seen a new side to it. I’d become aware of actions that spoke otherwise.

Or, maybe they didn’t. Maybe it was all a part of his master plan to mess with me, which would make him a complete sociopathic monster, and I would have sworn on my life three months ago that Wyatt Jamison was the opposite of a sociopath, but . . .

Gak! I just didn’t know what to think. It was all so fucking confusing.

I finally opened my eyes, but I didn’t look at him.

I had too much to deal with right now to try and figure out Wyatt Jamison.

“Avery?” he said quietly. “I’m so—”

“So you’re back from your assignment?” I cut him off, because his voice was filled with so much remorse, and I couldn’t handle pity right now, even if it was fake pity. “Did it go okay . . . sir?”

The log creaked again when he shifted, and my eyes at last snagged in his direction.

That glow still filled his irises, and I wondered what I would feel if I still had my magic. Would I feel alpha energy radiating from him? Would I sense whatever emotion made his eyes glow so brightly?

He clasped his fingers together and looked down. “I’m back temporarily. I leave again this afternoon, and to be honest, no, it didn’t go well. I failed miserably while I was away.”

My heart sputtered. Hearing that he was leaving again, and today was likely the last time I would ever see him, made my heart squeeze and choke, like an engine struggling to turn over.

Stupid heart. Stupid, stupid heart. Why does he constantly affect me like this?

I forced a wan smile and tried desperately to sound disinterested. “Well, that makes two of us. I don’t think I could have failed more miserably in there.”

But my attempts at humor fell flat. That same naked pain rolled across his face again.

Gods, how can emotion that raw be fake?

“Is your magic gone?” he asked hoarsely, his voice barely above a whisper.

My lungs seized, my hand automatically going to my chest. “Yes. The last of it died this morning.”

He abruptly looked down, his chest rising in unsteady breaths. “Have you considered going to the healing center again, so they can measure it?”

“What’s the point?” I said bitterly. “I’ll be there tomorrow morning, and regardless of whether I hear it today or tomorrow, I’ll be hearing the same thing.”

Despite trying valiantly to keep the pain away, tears welled in my eyes, and my vision blurred. Oh Gods.

But what was the purpose of trying to act so bravely in front of him? I was so sick of this. So sick of pretending that I wasn’t hurt by him, because Wyatt Jamison’s rejection had very nearly destroyed me, but I hadn’t let it. I’d refused to let him destroy me. I’d fought his rejection tooth and nail. I’d been fighting it every moment of every day just so it wouldn’t kill me.

The Safrinite comet, though? That bitch was proving to be a much trickier opponent. And quite frankly, I didn’t have the energy to fight both of them.

So screw it. If Wyatt Jamison came out here to kick me while I was down, then he could kick away.

I would be dead soon anyway, so what did it matter?

I let my tears go. “I suppose it’s the beginning of the end, huh? Cause if my magic’s gone, then my life force must be next.”

A low growl rumbled in his chest, and the log creaked again when he shifted closer. “That can’t happen.”

“But it will. Not even the SF can cure this, and I sure as hell haven’t been able to stop it.” I blinked, and more tears fell. “It’s time I face the hard truth.”

Wyatt swallowed, his eyes blazing. He’d moved so close that only an inch separated us, and even though I couldn’t sense his power or magic, I did sense other things—the ragged sound of his uneven breaths, his oak and pine scent that swirled around him, the days’ worth of stubble that coated his cheeks.

Out here, in the woods with the autumn afternoon sun blazing above us like a meteor suspended in the sky, he looked so stark and haggard. I’d never seen such blatant emotion written across his face before.

Gods, what did that mean?

“Avery?” he said hoarsely. “I can’t let that happen. You can’t die. I will find answers. I’ll find a way to stop this.”

My stomach clenched. “But how?”

“My next stop is the Bulgarian libraries. The fae lands didn’t have any answers despite my thorough search through their archives—”

“Wait. The fae lands’ archives? What do you mean?” And then it dawned on me. It hit me like a million volts of lightning. “Your assignment.” My jaw dropped. “The assignment that you left for last week was to the fae lands and was about me?”

He looked at me so intensely. “Yes. My assignment was about you. It’s been entirely about you.”

The breath rushed out of me. I turned back to the river, needing to concentrate on something other than him. My heart was pounding so hard, and my stomach twisted into knots.

Little white bubbles frothed near the river’s edge. In the middle, a red maple leaf floated downstream. “Did Wes make you do that?”

“No, he didn’t make me. He assigned me to it because he knew there was nobody better suited to the task.”

“Is searching for elusive magic what you do for the SF?”

“No.”

“Then why would he choose you? Why would you be the best man for the job?” I turned to face him, and my body jolted at the savage emotion in his gaze.

“Because when a werewolf’s mate is threatened, he will do anything to save her.”

My head snapped back. A werewolf’s mate?

Surely, I’d heard him wrong, but then I remembered how he’d been that night under the stars—the possessive and territorial way he’d acted with me. And he’d pulled Major Armund in to privately train me, to give me the best chance at success.

I squeezed my eyes shut. No, it can’t be. Because I also remembered his dismissive actions during the past few months, his moods, and his rejection.

I couldn’t have heard him right. Because even if he’d pawned me off to Major Armund to improve my training, it didn’t explain why he’d humiliated me or why he’d pushed me away. Why would he do that if he thought I was his mate? Werewolf males couldn’t reject their mates. It went against everything in their DNA, yet that’s what he’d done to me.

So why is he lying? What kind of sick reason is causing him to do this?

Fury fired through me. Screw getting kicked while I was down.

“Fuck this.” I abruptly stood. But tears poured down my face.

“Avery!” Wyatt grasped me by the shoulders when I tried to disappear into the woods.

I whirled around, anger rising in me so swiftly that I exploded.

“You’re fucking cruel! A real monster!” More tears rained down my face, trailing down my cheeks in raging rivers. “Why do you torture me like this?”

Wyatt’s face fell. “Avery . . .”

But I took another step back. “You didn’t want me. I’m not your mate, and you know it. You pushed me away, because I wasn’t good enough for you. You made it abundantly clear that you wanted nothing to do with me, so don’t go throwing around words like mate, thinking it’s going to make me feel better or it’s going to make everything okay because it won’t. Even though I know that you asked Major Armund to train me, it doesn’t explain your behavior. Werewolves don’t treat their mates the way you treated me. They don’t! So stoplying to me!”

His chest heaved unsteadily. He took another step toward me, but I held my hands up, blocking him.

Anguish distorted his features. “Avery, that’s not true. I never thought you weren’t good enough for me, and I’ve always wanted you.”

I wiped at my cheeks, hating him so deeply that I could have spat venom. I glared at him accusingly. “Do you know that night under the stars, I thought it was the beginning of something? I stupidly thought we were going to be together. I actually thought you wanted me too.”

“Avery—”

“Why did you push me away? Huh? If you truly thought I was your mate, you wouldn’t have—”

“I did it because I didn’t have a choice!” His nostrils flared, and I felt certain that if I’d had my magic, his alpha power would have been slamming into me.

But I didn’t have magic, so I didn’t feel anything.

I was just like a human.

And realizing that made the last of my control snap. A sob racked my body, and then another.

I turned my back on him. The tears poured out of me.

In an instant, he was in front of me, pulling me into his arms. His scent washed over me, that oak and pine scent that always reminded me of a forest on a damp, misty morning.

My body went rigid. Had no choice. What bullshit. The thought made my agony turn to rage.

I kicked into action. I pushed him away and pummeled his chest with my fists.

But he held on, refusing to let me go.

“I’m not your mate!” I screamed at him. “You don’t want me. You never did! And I was a fucking fool to think it could have been any other way.” I hit him again and again, my fists connecting with his flesh, making horrifying thumps with every blow I landed.

But he didn’t stop me even though he easily could have. Torment ripped through his features. “I’m sorry, Avery. I’m so sorry,” he said again and again. “I’m so incredibly sorry. So goddamned sorry!”

I kept hitting him, refusing to be tricked by him again.

And he let me. He took all of my pain and all of my wrath, never once trying to stop me or defend himself.

And seeing that, knowing that he wouldn’t stop me from abusing him, from taking everything out on him, as if he felt he deserved it . . . it took all the fight out of me.

I abruptly stopped, going completely still. Wetness coated my cheeks, and my chest heaved.

His arms remained around me. “I’m sorry, Avery. So sorry. I fucking hate myself for what I did to you.”

His hands moved. They were everywhere. Up and down my back, through my hair, caressing my arms. He held me comfortingly as his whispered pleas didn’t stop.

“I would take it all back. I would undo it all if I could. I never wanted to hurt you. I hated hurting you, but I couldn’t be with you. Not for a couple of years, at least. I had to push you away.”

The wind washed across my damp face. Dry, coarse dirt rubbed under my shoes. My mind buzzed with fatigue, yet his declaration still hit me like a punch.

I couldn’t be with you. Not for a couple of years, at least.

None of what he was saying made sense.

I stayed still and rigid. I knew that I was a mess of tears and hair, of hate and love, of desperation and defiance.

But Wyatt kept holding me, and he told me again and again that he’d never stopped caring for me.

“Do you remember that day in the ice cream parlor? Back in Ridgeback?” he said softly. “It was the first day I saw you. I was there with three of my pack brothers to get their banana split deal—two for the price of one.” He pulled me closer, his chin tickling the top of my head as he continued to stroke my back. “The first thing I noticed when I walked into that shop was the scent of lilacs. I’d never smelled anything like it. It was fragrant and beautiful, and so subtle that I wouldn’t have detected it without my newly growing wolf senses. It smelled like a little flower was blooming in that shop.”

Little Flower.

My lungs paralyzed. Wyatt remembered that day? He remembered seeing me for the first time?

He trailed his fingers down the outside of my hip, then back up again. “Across the room, I saw this girl. This young, beautiful girl with dark hair tumbling down her shoulders and braces covering her teeth. She looked so unsure of herself, but something in her eyes made me pause.” He took another breath and shook his head slightly. “I didn’t know what it was and neither did my wolf, but we knew that girl was special, that for some reason she meant something to us.”

My lips parted. He remembered everything about that day? Just like I did?

But . . . that would mean . . .

“My pack brothers had no idea what hit me as we walked out of that shop. They didn’t know that a part of my soul had just been cut from my body and given to that girl who sat at the booth, eating chocolate ice cream with caramel and hazelnuts as her parents flanked her sides. But I knew. I knew that I’d just met someone who I’d never forget.”

Caramel and hazelnuts? He remembers that detail? Oh my Gods. He’s telling the truth.

Tears threatened to fill my eyes again, so I squeezed them shut.

His hand trailed up again, pushing a lock of hair behind my ear. “But I was young then, still unsure about what being a werewolf fully meant. I’d only shifted for the first time a year before. I was still getting used to my new skin and the senses that were at times so strong they overwhelmed me, so I didn’t act on my feelings. Instead, I watched and waited, and over the next two years that young girl grew and matured. Each day, she was more beautiful than the last, and she was so smart, and so determined to make something of herself. Her magic wasn’t strong, but her soul was made of steel.”

I opened my eyes to see his shining irises, like twin pools of gold.

His voice turned rough. “And when she left Ridgeback, I realized I’d wasted all of that time. I should have spoken to her more. I should have acted on how I felt. I should have told her that I loved her laugh, admired her strength, and envied her wit. But she was gone, leaving with her parents to travel to France, then Zimbabwe, and then Japan. She didn’t know that I tracked where she moved and hoped that one day our paths would cross again.”

My heart tripped. Those were the countries we’d moved to after Canada. He tracked me? For that long?

His gaze turned tender, his voice aching. “I wished for so long that I’d told you how I felt, but all that time I was just a stupid teenager who watched and wanted, so desperately wanted, because deep down, a part of me knew that you were meant for me. But I never acted on it.”

My breath stopped.

Silence stretched between us as I tried to process all that he’d revealed. He’d felt the same way about me as I’d felt about him in Ridgeback. All of those years when I thought he barely recognized me, he’d been watching me too.

“You really watched me during those two years?” I choked out.

“Every day.”

“But you hardly ever spoke to me.”

“How could I, when every time I saw you, my tongue twisted into knots?”

“But you never . . . I mean we never—” I ran a hand through my hair.

“I didn’t have the courage, Avery. I never did, until you came here, but then duty got in the way, and I couldn’t have what I’ve always wanted.”

“Duty?”

“Yes. Duty. That’s why I pushed you away. That’s why I rejected you. It wasn’t because I didn’t want you. I want you, so fucking much.” His grip tightened on my arms, and gold shone from his eyes so brightly they rivaled the sun. “Sometimes I want you so badly that I think I’m going insane. And my wolf has been insufferable. He hates what I’ve done, and he’s so angry with me, but I can’t leave the SF.”

Agony poured through his words, and a part of me deep down knew that he spoke the truth. Oh Gods.

My heart stopped again.

Oh Gods. Oh Gods. Oh Gods. For months I’d hated him, and now he dropped this on me?

How could I go from hate to love in a split second?

I couldn’t. My head was spinning. I could die any day and now this bombshell?

“I have a commitment to a fallen brother,” he continued. “It’s why I can’t leave. Marcus died in battle to save me, and the only thing he asked of me as he passed away on the battlefield was to train his son when his son joined the SF. Elijah is seventeen now. He’ll join the SF next year, and I have to be here to fulfill my promise. But you won’t be. You’ll be in Geneva, following your dream. The only way we could have been together was if you quit and never left Idaho. I couldn’t ask that of you. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

My job? He turned my life entirely upside down and inside out for my job? “So you pushed me away and said it was a mistake? You lied?” Pain cut through me again. I’d believed him. I’d believed I’d meant nothing to him.

He hung his head. “I thought I was making the right choice, but I never intended for it to be permanent. As soon as I finished my commitment to Elijah here, I planned to quit the SF and follow you to wherever the Institute assigned you. You’ve always been the one for me, Avery, but the timing . . .” His lips pressed together, and he shook his head bitterly. “It just didn’t work.”

My gaze swept over his face, searching and hunting for any sign of deceit.

I found none. My heart stuttered.

“Why didn’t you just tell me all of this?” Anger fired through me again. “Why weren’t you honest? We still could have been together in secret, and then we could have done long distance even if you were here, and I was there. We—”

He brought a finger to my lips. “No, we couldn’t. Wes found out about my interest in you. He pulled me into his office the morning after our night under the stars. He knew that I’d stalked you to the bar, that I’d spent eight hours alone with you. That in itself was enough reason to fire me because I’d broken policy, and if I’d been a newer SF member, he would have. But since I wasn’t, he gave me a second chance, but he said that if I kept pursuing you during your time here, or if he saw any sign of me breaking protocol again, he would fire me without hesitating, and I couldn’t risk that, not after what Marcus did for me. I couldn’t break my promise.”

His eyebrows furrowed together. “Don’t you see? I felt like I didn’t have a choice. Because if I had a choice, if my actions didn’t affect anyone else, I would have chosen you. It’s always been you.”

The breath rushed out of me as I tried to process that. “But you still could have told me. I would have waited for you.”

He brought his hands up, cupping my cheeks. “For two years?”

My lips parted. Two years. That was a long time.

My gaze drifted down. Would I have done that? Could I have done it? Two years to wait for someone you’d never really been with in the first place . . .

It would have been hard.

I lifted my eyes back to his, trepidation filling me.

I couldn’t answer that question, because I didn’t know.

He must have sensed my hesitancy, because his gaze shuttered, a veil falling in place. He dropped his hands, the absence of the warmth from his palms leaving a chill on my skin. “So that’s why I pushed you away. That’s why I rejected you. But it was never because I didn’t care for you or didn’t believe that you were worthy of me. I’m the one who’s not worthy of you.”

His gaze stayed over my head. I could tell that my hesitation cut him to his soul, but Gods. He’d just dropped a bomb on me on, quite possibly, the most emotional day of my life.

My mind was still spinning.

“So, now you know the truth.” He tugged a hand through his hair. “I should head back to headquarters. I have to ready a few things before I leave, and I need to meet with the SF library gargoyles to see if they’ve found anything new about why the Safrinite comet targeted you.”

He stepped back, and I wanted to say something, to reach for him, or to acknowledge the depth of what he’d just revealed, but . . .

He’d seen that doubt in my eyes, and he’d closedoff.

But I was still reeling from everything he’d said. Dammit, and I was still angry. Really fucking angry with him. His choice had cost me so much—even if he’d felt he’d done the right thing.

I brought a hand to my forehead.

My head was pounding. Ugh. This was possibly the shittiest day of my life.

Tightness tinged his jaw.

I sighed inwardly. I just needed a moment. But we didn’t have a moment. He was leaving.

I followed him out of the woods as the birds sang above, and the bubbling creek disappeared behind us. The beauty of nature did little to stop the tumbling in my stomach, as if my nerves were doing somersaults.

I twisted my hands as brittle leaves fluttered to the forest’s floor.

Wyatt stayed quiet, his broad shoulders rippling with tension as he moved as quietly as the wind.

I stared at his dark hair, wondering if he felt the weight of my gaze. So much had happened in the past week. So much had changed. I was on the brink of death. I’d failed my final test. I was supposed to go to Geneva, but since I’d failed my test, would the Institute even admit me? And Wyatt was leaving again, today.

After everything he’d revealed.

It was crazy that out of all of those momentous, life-altering events, the one that plagued me the most was the thought of never seeing my commander again.

And I had no idea what to do.