Dear Mr. Brody by A.M. Johnson

Donovan

I rolled onto my right side, staring at nothing in particular. The pale blue light from the clock on my nightstand was the only light in the room. I punched my pillow a few times, trying to get comfortable, and kicked off the covers, only to pull them back up again when the slight chill of the room pricked at my skin, causing the hair on the back of my neck and arms to rise. The bed was too soft and too firm at the same time. I moved to the left side of the mattress, but it didn’t help the restlessness taking root inside my limbs. Scooting back to the right side, I squeezed my eyes shut. I counted to one hundred, then counted backward, my traitorous brain fighting against my efforts. I opened my eyes, and unsuccessfully, tried not to check the time again. It was a little after one in the morning, and clearly my brain did not give a shit that I had to get up early and be a parent. Instead, it had reverted to my horny teenage years. I couldn’t stop thinking about the homework Michael had given me. After I’d put Anne to bed for the night and graded a few papers, I’d done a quick internet search for the term frotting like he’d suggested. I hadn’t dared to look at the video that had popped up, but the definition alone had made me hard, had burned into my synapses, and for the rest of the night it was all I’d been able to think about. Images I’d conjured up on my own hadn’t been enough to sate my curiosity. Swearing quietly, I fell onto my back and fixed my eyes on the ceiling.

I’d been in this uncomfortable state of arousal for hours, and debated texting Michael liked he’d said I could, but what the fuck would I say? “Wow, that looks like fun, maybe we should get together and jack each other off sometime?” I wasn’t that sleazy or desperate, and not to mention, I didn’t think we were at the meeting-in-person stage yet, no matter how impulsive I wanted to be.  I sat up and threw the covers to the side feeling overheated, my phone staring back at me from the nightstand.

“Christ,” I grumbled as I got out of bed and trudged off to the bathroom.

I hadn’t bothered to turn on the light, and after I’d splashed cold water on my face, I examined my reflection in the mirror. My hair was damp from where I’d slicked it back with wet hands, and the lack of light muted my features. Standing in only a pair of dark blue boxer briefs, I almost didn’t recognize myself. My eyes were too vivid, too awake. I exhaled and rested my hands on the counter, lowering my head, I took a deep breath. After a minute, I gave up the struggle to control my racing thoughts and walked into the bedroom. I grabbed my phone off the nightstand, and even though Anne was all the way on the other side of the house, sound asleep, I locked my door.

Once I was in bed, sitting up against my pillows, I opened up my previous search. It wasn’t a big deal, guys watched porn all the time. At least that’s what I told myself as I clicked on one of the videos. The volume was low, but I could hear the deep, masculine moans of the men on my screen. My hand trailed down my chest and over the lightly etched ridges of my stomach muscles, my breath catching in my throat as I palmed my growing erection over the cotton of my underwear. Feeling guilty, I quickly glanced at my bedroom door, double-checking it was locked.

God, was this pathetic?

My head fell back, and I knocked it against the headboard.

Yes… One-hundred percent pathetic.

My eyes dropped to the screen, and I paused the video. Exhaling a frustrated breath, I reached over to set my phone on the nightstand, and it vibrated in my hand. It was almost one-thirty, and in my current state I didn’t think it was smart to reply, but his name popping up on my screen was the first bit of relief I’d had all night.

@TheL0stB0y: Did you do your homework?

@MeAndMyShadow33: I did.

I should have tried to play it cool, maybe wait a few minutes to answer, but I was too riled up for games.

@TheL0stB0y: And…

@MeAndMyShadow33: And now I can’t sleep.

@TheL0stB0y: Too weird?

@MeAndMyShadow33: No, not weird.

@MeAndMyShadow33: It turned me on.

I’d hit send before I changed my mind. I shouldn’t be embarrassed. Sex was sex, right? But I’d only ever had sexual experiences with Lanie. Michael was a stranger, this idea floating somewhere in the unknown, and I feared his judgment. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing, or sound perverted or naïve. Hiding behind the façade of anonymity didn’t stop me from being me. I was still this awkward-ass guy who’d floundered his way through his sexuality and was finally coming into his own at the ripe old age of thirty-three. I wanted to be enough for myself, and for him.

@TheL0stB0y: Yeah?

@MeAndMyShadow33: Yeah.

@TheL0stB0y: And now you can’t sleep?

@MeAndMyShadow33: Pretty much.

@TheL0stB0y: Because you’re turned on? Right now?

@MeAndMyShadow33: Right now.

An agonizing minute passed before he responded, giving me enough time to want to wish back the words I’d sent.

@TheL0stB0y: We should do something about that…

@MeAndMyShadow33: Now?

@TheL0stB0y: Don’t worry I don’t mean face to face. Not yet.

Not yet.

@TheL0stB0y: But if I was there… there’s lots of ways I could help you sleep.

The images from the video flooded my rushing pulse, spreading heat over every inch of my skin. I ached for some type of release, my fingers moving swiftly across the screen, driven purely by need. My rational brain could deal with any regrets later.

@MeAndMyShadow33: How would you help me sleep?

@TheL0stB0y: It depends on what you want.

@MeAndMyShadow33: You.

Everything.

@TheL0stB0y: I’m assuming we’re undressed in this little scenario.

Dying inside, my face flushed. I’d never done this kind of stuff with my ex. Dirty talk was definitely not my forte. But I couldn’t say I wasn’t intrigued on how this would go. Laughing at myself, I winced as I typed.

@MeAndMyShadow33: I’m already in my underwear.

@TheL0stB0y: That makes it easy. Not to leave you hanging, I get undressed too and…

@MeAndMyShadow33: Get in bed with me?

@TheL0stB0y: Thanks, I’d love to.

Smiling, I relaxed some.

@MeAndMyShadow33: What would you do next?

@TheL0stB0y: I run my hand across your chest, and you pull me in. I have to straddle your thighs to kiss you. I start with your lips and work my way down your jaw to your neck.

Feeling unsure of myself, I typed without thinking.

@MeAndMyShadow33: I want you to touch me.

@TheL0stB0y: I’m here for whatever you want. This is all for you.

His assurance lifted away my hesitation, and with one hand, I pulled down my briefs. A rough, uneven breath parted my lips as I stroked myself, circling the head of my cock with the pad of my thumb. I shuddered, closing my eyes for a few seconds, and pretended it was his hand, his heat surrounding me, his tight grip drawing me closer to the line I’d been dying to cross.

@MeAndMyShadow33: This feels too real.

@TheL0stB0y: Please tell me you’re touching yourself right now.

Swallowing my self-doubt, I told him the truth.

@MeAndMyShadow33: I am.

@TheL0stB0y: Fuck, me too.

My entire body burned with need, knowing I’d made him just as hot as he’d made me.

@MeAndMyShadow33: I wish you were here. I wish I could feel you.

My head tipped back as I cupped my balls, wishing it was his mouth, his fingers, anything besides my own hand. I was wound up, my cheeks and neck blazing with a mixture of arousal and uncertainty. I wanted to come. I wanted to be like the men in that video, lying side by side, my hips aligned with Michael’s while he jacked us at the same time.

@TheL0stB0y: I’m here, James. You’re so close, so fucking hard for me. Can you feel me, feel how hard I am for you?

“Yes,” I grunted, my climax already trying to surface.

I forced myself to slow down, my hand finding a lazy rhythm, up and down the steeled length of my shaft. I wanted to draw this out, I wanted to see how far I’d let myself go.

@MeAndMyShadow33: I feel you.

@TheL0stB0y: Yeah… what am I doing?

@MeAndMyShadow33: Stroking me.

@TheL0stB0y: Fast or slow.

@MeAndMyShadow33: Slow.

@TheL0stB0y: I want to taste you. Fuck, I bet you taste good.

God.

@TheL0stB0y: I lean down for a taste, but it’s not enough. I love the way the head of your cock stretches my lips, the weight of it on my tongue. I want to feel you in my throat, suck and swallow you until you’re shaking. I want your fingers in my hair, James. Use my mouth, make yourself come.

I was lost in this fantasy, to this faceless man. My legs spread open, I imagined him kneeling between them. Imagined my fist in his hair as I raised my hips and fucked my hand until I couldn’t hold back any longer, until my climax barreled through me. I clenched my jaw to subdue my loud groan, shooting my load all over my chest and stomach. A calm sleepiness loosened every muscle in my body with every heavy breath I pulled into my lungs. It took a minute for the initial high to start to fade and for me to realize I’d dropped my phone. Feeling lightheaded, I reached for it and unlocked the screen.

“Holy shit.”

He’d sent a picture of his incredible, chiseled chest and stomach covered in his come. It was the sexiest thing I’d ever seen. I thought about taking a picture of my own mess and almost chickened out. But I had nothing to lose at this point, and admittedly, I wanted him to have it, wanted him to have this piece of me, this first. I snapped a shot, exactly like his, and after I sent it, I went to the bathroom to clean up. It only took me a few minutes, but by the time I crawled back into bed, all the post-orgasmic adrenaline had dissipated, and my exhaustion hit me like a truck. My insecurities made me reluctant to open our message thread, to see the proof of what had happened. Half smiling, half cringing, I lay back on my pillow and swiped my thumb across the screen.

@TheL0stB0y: If I was there, I’d lick you clean.

Jesus.

@MeAndMyShadow33: I think I could enjoy watching you do that.

@TheL0stB0y: I thought you might’ve fallen asleep.

@MeAndMyShadow33: Had to clean up.

@TheL0stB0y: See, it’s too bad I wasn’t there to help.

I laugh quietly as I turned onto my side and typed.

@MeAndMyShadow33: Maybe next time.

@TheL0stB0y: Maybe. You’re okay, though? Handling your first guy-on-guy sext fest without any regrets?

@MeAndMyShadow33: Only one.

@TheL0stB0y: Uh-oh….

@MeAndMyShadow33: I wish I knew what you looked like. It would’ve made your visualization exercise more realistic.

@TheL0stB0y: We skipped over lesson 1 and went straight to lesson 2 didn’t we?

@MeAndMyShadow33: We can always circle back. Are you tall? Short? Dark hair? I can tell by your picture you’re very into fitness. Very sexy, by the way.

@TheL0stB0y: Thanks for the compliment. It’s not like I send pics of my spunk-covered abs to just anyone.

@MeAndMyShadow33: I feel special.

@TheL0stB0y: I think I might frame the picture you sent.

@MeAndMyShadow33: Very funny.

@TheL0stB0y: You are right, though. I’m pretty into fitness. Not like a narcissist, douchebag, gym rat or anything. But I work out and eat right. I’m tall… six-foot-one, dirty blond hair, blue eyes. I’m as generic as my middle name.

@MeAndMyShadow33: Then, I guess my type must be generic.

@TheL0stB0y: *blushes*

@MeAndMyShadow33: That was corny, wasn’t it?

@TheL0stB0y: It’s late. I’ll allow it.

@MeAndMyShadow33: I should let you get to sleep.

@TheL0stB0y: Nope. You owe me some personal details.

@MeAndMyShadow33: I’m six-foot-three. Dark hair. Light eyes. Mostly gray, but depends on what I’m wearing. You already know my favorite color and how I take my coffee. What about you?

@TheL0stB0y: Gray and with as much sugar and cream as it takes to make it not taste like coffee.

@MeAndMyShadow33: Gray is your favorite color?

@TheL0stB0y: No, but since you were corny earlier, I thought I’d be too.

@TheL0stB0y: Green is my favorite. Especially after it rains. When the trees and grass sing.

@MeAndMyShadow33: Very poetic for two in the morning.

@TheL0stB0y: You should hear me when I’m well rested. I’m a real Robert Frost.

@MeAndMyShadow33: I’ll let you get some rest, then.

@TheL0stB0y: Think you’ll be able to sleep now?

@MeAndMyShadow33: Like the dead.

My heart stammered, not truly wanting to say good night, but knowing I needed to. Before I sent another message, I stared at the picture he’d sent with a crooked smile on my face.

@MeAndMyShadow33: Talk to you soon?

@TheL0stB0y: Like I said before, I’m here for whatever you want.

@TheL0stB0y: This is all for you.