Dear Mr. Brody by A.M. Johnson

Parker

The aquarium parking lot was almost completely full. When I’d finally found a parking spot, it was already thirty minutes past the time I was supposed to meet Van and his daughter. Anne’s birthday was this past Monday, but since it had also been the week of Thanksgiving, Van wanted to wait until after the holiday to celebrate. If I hadn’t had to take my mom and sister to the airport, I would have been on time. The fall breeze seeped through my thin sweater as I jogged toward the entrance. The last thing I wanted to do was ruin Van’s birthday date with his daughter. Yesterday, when I’d stayed the night at his place, he’d invited me to tag along. It had been kind of a surprise that he wanted me to come. We’d been a lot more careful about how often we were in public after he’d gotten the full-time job offer two weeks ago. He’d tried to say he didn’t want the position, but I’d told him he should take his time to consider it. The dean had emailed him the official offer, and as he’d predicted, the pay hadn’t been comparable, but the college did offer an extensive benefits package. With my encouragement, he’d talked to Anders, and they’d both worked out a plan where, if Van decided to take the job, he could still work for Lowe, but with a smaller client list.  He’d have the best of both worlds. He could do what he’d always wanted and supplement his income. The only thing holding him back was me, and the longer he went without giving the dean an answer, the guiltier I felt.

There was a small group of people milling around outside, and as I made my way around all the eager families, I spotted Van. My chest tightened as I stared at him. He stood out in his dark jeans and black sweater, his smile wide for his daughter. His cheeks and nose were pink from the cold, his hair a little wind swept. The only word I could think of at the moment was breathtaking. If I wasn’t worried about the influence it would have on his decision about the job, I would have told him already how hard I’d fallen for him. For us. For Anne. I didn’t care if we had to be careful or hide longer than we’d originally anticipated. I graduated in two years. Things between us might not last that long, but if they did, two years seemed like nothing after all I’d already been through. He was worth the two years.

“Park!” Anne practically tackled me as I approached them. “You’re late.”

Van’s gaze was soft as I bent down and gave his daughter a hug.

“I’m sorry, little monster. I had to take my family to the airport,” I said. “If I give you a piggyback ride, will you forgive me?”

“I think so,” she said, and as she wriggled her way onto my back, she dug her heels into my stomach.

I might’ve grunted.

“You’re getting too big for piggyback rides, sweetheart.” Van laughed. “Park, you don’t have to do that.”

“I’m not too big,” she pouted.

“Are you doubting my strength?” I asked him, a private smile curving my lips. “I’m pretty sure I could lift you if I wanted.”

Like I did last night.

But I kept that to myself.

He blushed, stuffing his hands into his pockets, he said, “Should we head inside?”

“Can we see the whales first?” Anne asked. “Or the penguins.”

“Penguins, we should save the whales for last,” I said, and she rested her chin on my shoulder. “They’re the best.”

“Good plan.”

The inside of the aquarium was packed wall to wall with large groups of people: families, moms and dads, and shrieking children.

“I thought everyone went shopping the Saturday after Thanksgiving,” Van said as he scanned the crowded plaza. “I didn’t think this many people would be here today.”

“My sister and my mom went shopping for deals yesterday. Spent all day fighting for some rare toy for my nephew.” I laughed. “Mandi said Mom almost got into a fight.”

“Which toy?” Anne asked.

“Some robot thing, I don’t know, kiddo. Definitely nothing worth getting into a fight over.”

“Was your sister sad to leave?” Van asked me and I nodded.

“Yeah. But at least my mom flew back with her to help her pack everything up,” I said. “They’ll be back here with my nephew after the new year.”

“I don’t think I could have gotten through my divor—” He stopped mid-sentence, his gaze landing on his daughter. “I couldn’t have gotten through everything without my family.”

“She should have come home a long time ago. I’m just upset it took him leaving her to do it.”

After his last business trip, my sister’s shithead husband had come home and asked for a divorce. Guess he found some other chick he could manipulate.

“Who knows? Maybe she’ll find someone new, someone who can change her life for the better.”

A lump formed in my throat, and I swallowed past it, smiling as my stomach did a somersault. “Maybe.”

Anne wiggled and I let go of her legs as she slid off my back. “Look, cuttlefish,” she said and ran toward one of the display tanks.

“Thanks for inviting me along today.” I leaned into him, watching as Anne set her hands against the glass. A squid-type fish swam by, and she turned to smile at her dad. “I like getting to spend time with you both.”

His smile wavered. “I’m sorry we don’t get to go out as often as we should.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I know, but it’s true. You shouldn’t have to hide away in my house, Park.”

I exhaled a sigh, wishing I wouldn’t have said anything.

Wrapping my arm around his waist, I pulled him closer and tried to lighten his mood. “I don’t know,” I whispered, my lips brushing against the shell of his ear. “I kind of like getting you all to myself. In your bed, against the wall… and that was just last night. You’ve become quite the needy bottom.”

He pressed his lips together as I pulled away, his skin flushing all the way to the tips of his ears.

“Parker.” He breathed my name with a quiet laugh. “The shit you say.”

“You love it.”

His gaze flicked to my mouth and back up to my eyes. Van didn’t have to say anything, the tether between us, that invisible, tangible thing that linked him to me and me to him, it was there, vibrating like a guitar string. I thought I heard it hum three unspoken words in the way his gray eyes lightened when they met mine. I love you.

“Parker, come on.” Anne grabbed my hand. “Let’s go into the tunnel.”

Van released his hold on my hand, his grin slowly spreading as he watched me get dragged away. He was behind us when I saw her. She was at the entrance of the tunnel with two small children at her side. I tried to move Anne in the opposite direction before Van caught sight of her, too, but Dean Decker turned our way the exact moment he sidled in next to me.

“Oh shit,” he said, and Anne giggled.

“Dad.” She tried to let go of my hand, but I held on tight.

“Hey, kiddo, let’s… let’s…” I watched in horror as the dean approached us, but her eyes were fixed on Van. “I want to buy you one of those giant stuffed whales.”

“What?” Anne looked up at me confused.

“Um… I saw one, in the plaza. Come on, let’s grab it before it’s gone.”

“But what about the—”

“We’ll come right back. I don’t want someone else to buy it.” I started to move as the dean smiled at Van.

“Donovan,” she said, and I turned away, practically dragging Anne like she’d done to me only a few minutes ago.  “How funny, I was just thinking about you.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Van rub the back of his neck. “Vivian…”

“Come on,” I said and forced myself not to look back.

“Why are you whispering?” Anne asked.

“I… I don’t know.”

She giggled again, looking over her shoulder. “Who’s that lady?”

“That’s your dad’s boss at the college.” I kept my eyes straight ahead. “Did you want the beluga whale or the whale shark?”

“The beluga whale,” she said.

“Big, weird looking white whale for the win.”

“They’re cute,” she argued, and when I looked down at her, I grinned.

The tension in my shoulders remained, but once we got to the store, the more at ease I felt. Maybe the dean hadn’t seen me. And even if she had, I’d walked away. It wouldn’t have looked like we were together. I could have just as easily run into Van like she had.

“That’s a big stuffed animal,” I said, and cringed when I looked at the price tag. But Anne blinked up at me with those big gray eyes and I was helpless. “Think it will fit in the trunk?”

“I hope so.”

If not, I could always shove the fucker into my back seat.

One-hundred-and-twenty dollars later, Anne was the proud owner of Bobbie the beluga whale. We walked back out into the plaza and set the large toy on one of the benches. I was about to text Van, but he found us first.

“Hey,” he said, avoiding my eyes. “What do we have here?”

“It’s a beluga whale. Parker got it for me.”

“Oh?” He lifted his gaze, but he seemed off. “That was nice of him.”

I rubbed the top of my head, inundated with anxiety. I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t take the chance of her seeing us together. “I… wanted to get her something since I can’t stay.”

Van’s chest deflated as he nodded. “That’s right, I forgot you had—”

“I have to go over the lines with some of the cast at Pride House. The play is only a couple of weeks away. We still have a lot to nail down,” I said, hating the crestfallen look on Anne’s face.

Van was distracted, looking around the room.

“But you just got here,” she said. “What about the whales and the penguins?”

“I know, and I’m sorry I have to leave. I wanted to make sure you got your present,” I lied.  “But I guess I should get going now.”

Van finally looked at me. “Okay.”

“Will I see you later?”

“Yeah… I’m taking Anne to Waffle Love for dinner, but you can come over for cake after. If you want.” He spoke, but his voice sounded miles away.

“Call me when you’re back at the house?”

“I will.”

“Happy birthday, little monster.” I reached down and hugged Anne. “Hope you can fit this thing in your car.”

Van gave me a small but real smile. “I’ll make it work.”

I stepped toward him unconsciously and he stepped back, taking Anne’s hand. It was stupid, he was only being careful, but I hadn’t expected it to hurt as much as it did.

“See you tonight,” I said, and reluctantly walked away.

I’d had the whole rest of the day to stew about the run-in with Dean Decker. To wonder what was said. If she knew. If Van was in trouble. If I was making a bigger deal out of all of this than I needed to. If she hadn’t audited the class, would she have even known I was one of his students? I mean, who checked that shit anyway? I wasn’t about to text Van and interrupt his time with Anne just so he could talk me down. My only saving grace was that Marcos had been at work the entire time. I didn’t have it in me to fake my way through the afternoon.  But it was close to seven-thirty, and I knew he’d be home any minute. I stared at the ceiling, thinking over the past few months. I’d never thought I would fall in love with Van this soon. But I had. I’d told myself I didn’t mind if our relationship had to remain a secret for now, and it had been an easy thing to believe because when we were together, it never felt like hiding. Today was the first time I’d gotten a taste of what it would be like if we stayed together long term while we were both at Winchester. It fucking sucked. I hated walking away from him, hated having to leave because he could lose his job, lose an opportunity he’d wanted for so long. But I hated the idea of not being with him even more.

I rolled out of bed and grabbed my phone and wallet. I wasn’t going to let Van overthink this. It was reckless, and maybe a little selfish, but as I picked up my keys, I decided I didn’t care. I wanted to be there when Van got home. I wanted him to know I wasn’t going anywhere. Twenty minutes later, I pulled into his driveway, and when I saw his car, my confidence waned. He’d said he’d call me, and he hadn’t. I stared at his front door, my heart pounding out fast, erratic beats.

I’m crazy about you.

I sucked in a breath remembering the words he’d told me the night he’d given himself to me. He wanted me here.

I got out of the car, wiping my hands on my jeans as I stepped up onto the porch. Knocking twice, I waited, my stomach twisting and turning until he opened the door, until he smiled at me softly, until he tilted his head and said, “Hi.”

“You didn’t call.”

His throat bobbed, his grip on the door handle tightening as he spoke. “I was about to.”

“Oh.” I wet my lips. “I was worried about… everything.”

He stepped outside and closed the door. “Park…” Running a hand through his hair, he said, “Vivian didn’t see you. At least, I don’t think she did.”

I exhaled the breath I’d been holding since I walked out of that fucking aquarium. “That’s good?”

He didn’t speak right away, and I swore I could hear the wheels turning inside his head. “That’s how it would be for us, Parker. Every damn time. The college policy is clear cut. We aren’t supposed to be together, and if I take this job—”

“Van, stop.”

“Let me finish what I want to say.” The irritation in his voice was unexpected.

“I’m sorry.”

He pushed his fingers through his hair again. “I can’t have both. I can’t have you and work at Winchester.”

“Why?”

“You know why.”

“I don’t care about hiding. I can handle it.”

“You shouldn’t have to handle it,” he said, throwing up his hands. “I can’t have both. If I stay at WSC, I can’t see another way around it. We’ll both end up getting hurt.”

“I’m twenty-four years old, I think I can decide for myself what’s best for me. You have to stop worrying about me.”

“I never meant for any of this to happen. I never meant to fall for you.” He blinked a few times, and my heart was on fire. “If I had known who you were when I met you online, I would have never pursued this, and maybe I should have walked away. But getting to know you… being with you has been one of the best things to ever happen to me.”

I took a step toward him, and when he didn’t back away, I closed the distance. My fingers clutched the sides of his sweater. “I care about you. About us. About Anne. My past… hiding… it isn’t an issue. What we have, it’s not like anything I’ve had before. Take the job, Van. I don’t need you to protect me. It’s my life.”

“Your life is my life too.” He raised his voice, and I dropped my hands as he stepped away from me. “And I won’t let you do that, I won’t let you hide again, not for me. It’s not fair to either of us.”

“Daddy.” Anne stared at her father, the door barely cracked open. “Why are you yelling?”

“I…” He closed his eyes for a brief second, trembling as he exhaled. “It’s nothing, sweetheart. I’ll be inside in a second.”

Her eyes bounced between the both of us. “But I thought Parker was having cake too.”

“Anne… go inside, alright? Give me a few minutes.”

It was the sharpest I’d ever heard him speak to her.

She shut the door, and the stillness that descended was unbearable.

Your life is my life too.

“Van…” The ache in my throat tried to render me silent. “If this is about you losing your job, losing a chance at what you’ve always wanted, regardless of how I feel, I’ll walk away. I’d never take that from you. But if you turn that job down, to protect me, then you’re an idiot. I don’t need you to sacrifice this job for me. I just need you. I know what I want, and it’s you. I’m not ready to let you go.”

His gray eyes were silver, shining under the moonlight as he stared at me. “And I can’t ask you to sacrifice two years of your life for me.”

“I’d sacrifice more… for you.”

“I could look at other schools.”

“What if you can’t find another permanent position? You’ll resent me.”

“I won’t,” he said and reached out, grazing my wrist with his fingertips.

“You will. Take the job, Van.” My legs like lead, I struggled to do what I had to. I backed away from him and stepped off the porch. “We’ve only been together since September, what is a few months compared to a lifelong ambition? I’m not worth that.”

“That’s not—”

“This,” I interrupted and motioned between us, loading the lie to the tip of my tongue. “Is not worth all of that.”

“Parker…”

“You don’t want me to sacrifice two years, and I don’t want you to throw away an opportunity you might not get again. You know how I feel. You know what I want. When you figure out what you want, let me know.”

I turned to leave, hoping like hell he’d stop me, like I had the night we first met. I wanted him to say, you’re right, I’ll take the job, I want this, I want you. But when I got to my car and looked back at the porch, he was gone.