Defender of Hearts by Tanya Bird
Chapter 25
Lyndal peeled her eyes open and blinked away the fog of wine. Someone or something was shaking her.
‘Lyndal,’ Astin whispered.
She lifted her pounding head off the pillow and found him crouched next to the bed. ‘Is the room on fire?’ She looked around the still dark bedchamber as she asked the question.
‘No.’ He rose and grabbed the cloak off the nearby chair, dropping it onto the bed. ‘Put this on and come with me.’
‘Come where?’
He was fetching her boots. ‘I want to show you something.’
She rose, pins and needles prickling one arm after sleeping in the same position for too long.
‘How do you feel?’ Astin asked as he swung the cloak around her.
‘Fine,’ she lied, looking up at him. ‘Where’s Thornton?’
‘Probably back at the barracks by now.’
He gestured to the boots. She stepped into them and bent to tie the laces. ‘Am I in danger?’
‘Never when I’m with you.’
She followed him out into the empty corridor, where grey light was now filtering in. It was a little before sunrise. ‘What are you doing up so early?’
‘I’ve been training.’
She looked up at him. ‘When do you sleep?’
‘Before training. Unless the castle’s on fire.’ One corner of his mouth lifted.
He led her down an uneven stone path towards the gate, and she was grateful that it was not raining. A rare treat.
Looking up at the sky, Lyndal stopped.
‘What’s the matter?’ Astin asked, looking back.
She exhaled and smiled as she gazed up at the clear sky. ‘I see actual sky.’
He walked back and took her hand, pulling her along. ‘We have to keep moving or we’ll miss it.’
‘Miss what?’
‘You’ll see when we get there.’
She hurried to keep up, enjoying the sensation of her hand wrapped by his. When she realised they were heading for the outer-wall of the borough, she slowed. ‘Astin?’
He kept a hold of her hand. ‘Almost there.’
They walked along the edge of the path, trying to avoid the worst of the mud. The curtain wall loomed ahead. At its base, Lyndal spotted a defender standing in front of a small door. The defender nodded to Astin, then turned to remove the drawbar, pulling open the heavy door.
‘Watch your head,’ Astin told Lyndal, ducking and following the defender into the dark hole.
Lyndal hesitated.
Astin looked back. ‘Always safe with me, remember?’
Drawing a breath, she followed him. Ahead, she heard multiple drawbars being removed. She held tightly to Astin’s hand as they waited to be let through. Finally, light split the door, and the defender moved aside so they could exit.
Lyndal froze when she found herself standing six feet from the edge of a cliff, then jumped when the door banged close behind her. The scrape of drawbars going back into place set her into a panic.
‘Don’t worry,’ Astin said, pulling her away. ‘He’ll let us back in when we’re done.’
‘Done with what?’ Her eyes went to the turbulent sea below. ‘I’m not climbing down.’
He chuckled. ‘Come. We’ll get a better view farther along.’
She reminded herself to breathe and focused on the hand holding hers. It felt like the most natural thing in the world.
‘Here it comes,’ Astin said over his shoulder.
When she looked up, her feet stopped once more. Behind Astin, a pink line marked the horizon. All air left her lungs in one beauty-stricken, reminiscent exhale. Tears prickled her eyes as hope appeared on the skyline before them.
‘I didn’t want you to see it from behind a wall,’ Astin said.
Neither of them spoke for the next few minutes. The only movement was the rise and fall of their cloaks with the ocean breeze. Then Astin walked over to the wall and removed his cloak. He laid it on the ground and gestured for her to come and sit. A smile spread across her face as she realised he had brought her through the wall to watch the sunrise.
‘It’s even better than stars, yes?’ he said when he caught her smile.
‘Yes.’ She walked over and sat down on the cloak beside him. Her arm pressed into his as they leaned their backs against the wall. The warmth from him made her shiver. ‘A nightdress isn’t very practical for a clifftop walk.’
Astin turned and wrapped her cloak tighter around her, tucking it in place. ‘Better?’
It was better, but she knew admitting that would mean the end of his efforts. She shook her head, and he wrapped an arm around her. She rested her head on his shoulder and shuddered with the instant warmth and comfort.
‘Better?’ he asked.
She nodded, scared to speak and ruin the moment. Then they sat in one of the most comfortable silences she had ever experienced, watching colour take over the sky.
‘Look,’ she said, finally breaking the silence. ‘The first hint of orange.’
He made an appreciative noise, and his hand slid down her arm a little. ‘What’s your last memory of the sun?’
His breath on her hair made tiny bumps break out on her skin. ‘I think I was around eight. It had rained the entire week, and then the sun broke through the heavy cloud just before it set. Never in a million years would I have imagined I wouldn’t see it again for more than a decade.’ She turned her head to look up at him. ‘What about you?’
‘I would have been thirteen. In the north paddock with my sister. I remember her hand pressed to her brow, shielding her eyes from the sun.’
Lyndal turned back to the sunrise. ‘It didn’t take us long to miss it. Constant wet stockings and muddy hems. And every time one of us complained, my father would say, “The rain can’t fall forever”. He said that every day for five years, right up until the day King Oswin stood upon the wall and told us all to abandon our god and pray to Belenus. I heard Father tell Mother that night that only a man with no faith left seeks out a new god. It’s the only time I remember hearing fear in his voice.’
‘Well, I don’t think Belenus heard our prayers either.’
She shivered, and Astin’s arm tightened around her, muscle shifting beneath his uniform. Closing her eyes, she committed the moment to memory.
‘You can’t watch a sunrise with your eyes closed,’ he said into her hair.
She opened her eyes and took a breath. ‘Any moment now.’
Colour splashed over the sea right before a spot of radiant gold appeared on the water’s edge.
‘There it is,’ Astin said.
She watched in awe. ‘I can almost feel its warmth.’
‘You know, your hair is something else in this light.’
She looked up at him. ‘As are your eyes. It’s like the sun is rising in them.’
He swallowed, and his eyes travelled down to her lips. ‘I should get you back before anyone notices you’re gone.’
‘I don’t want to go back.’ Never in her life had she wanted a man to kiss her more than in that moment. She was certain he would taste of sunrise. ‘I want to stay at the edge of the world with you.’ She remained perfectly still.
‘We need to go now, before I do something foolish.’
Her body felt hot and cold all at once. ‘I see you, defender. Do you see me?’
‘I can’t see anything but you.’
She wet her lips. ‘The clouds will eventually return, and this moment will disappear with the sun. Do you really want to walk away before it’s over?’
He dipped his head, so slowly she thought she would combust beneath his tender gaze. His lips hovered just out of reach, his breath on her lips.
‘Last chance,’ he whispered.
His words sent a shiver along her spine. Unable to wait any longer, she reached up and pulled his head down until his mouth met hers. So much sensation all at once. Warm breath, orange hues of light, and his sweet taste. Her mouth opened and her toes curled in her boots as she reached up and took hold of his face with both hands.
‘You’re freezing,’ he whispered into her open mouth.
‘Sorry’ was her only response, because she wanted his mouth on hers again.
Pulling back, he looked into her eyes as he lifted his undershirt a few inches and placed her icy hands on his warm stomach. She immediately began to tremble, partly from the warmth but mostly due to the intimacy of the gesture. She tentatively ran her fingers over his warm skin and firm muscle. His mouth found hers once more, and she was dizzy with sensation then.
She had been kissed before. Mostly eager dance partners knowing full well it was all they would get from her. But this was different. A foreign hunger travelled all the way down to her belly, making everything below the hips clench. She explored lower, running her fingers along his trouser line, and his breath quickened in response. Leaning in, she pressed her thudding heart to his.
Closer. She needed him closer.
‘We have to stop,’ he said.
She shook her head, dismissing the suggestion. ‘No. I don’t want to.’ She pulled him to her again.
His resolve dissipated, and he lifted her off the ground and onto his lap. Fingers trailed up her ribcage, caressing her skin through the cotton. Never had she resented fabric more than in that moment. Pulling up her nightdress, she guided his hand to her bare leg. A soft exhale came from her as she tipped her head back. He withdrew his hand and dropped his forehead to her collarbone, panting.
A throat clearing nearby had Astin leaping to his feet. Lyndal would have gone flying, but he caught her at the same time he drew his sword.
‘Shit,’ Astin said when he saw who it was.
Harlan stood ten feet away with his arms crossed, looking between them.
‘Commander Wright,’ Lyndal said, weirdly formal as she adjusted her cloak. Colour flooded her cheeks. ‘We were just kissing the sunrise.’
Harlan’s eyebrows rose.
‘Watching the sunrise,’ Lyndal corrected, her ears now on fire.
He nodded. ‘I see that. Well, I’m sorry to cut the viewing short, but Queen Fayre is looking for you. I wanted to find you both before my father did.’
Astin pinched the bridge of his nose. ‘Appreciate that.’ He was unable to look Harlan in the eyes. ‘Let’s go.’ He gestured for Lyndal to walk ahead.
She pulled her cloak tighter around her and headed in the direction of the small door. There was no hand holding on the walk, only awkward silence as they stood waiting for it to open. Lyndal was first through, her chest heavy as she emerged into the royal borough on the other side. She looked up at the clouds now closing in. The sun was gone. The moment was gone.
Harlan said a few words she did not register before heading for the barracks.
‘I’m sorry,’ Astin said, appearing next to her.
He was sorry. Perhaps she was supposed to be sorry also.
‘Let’s get you inside,’ he said, walking ahead. ‘We need to beat the warden back to your rooms.’
She followed him. ‘Why did you apologise? I wanted it. I’m not sorry.’
‘Doesn’t matter. We’re this side of the wall now. Nothing that happened out there changes anything in here. Am I wrong?’
She was still lost in all that had happened on the other side of that wall. ‘Astin…’
‘I’m not here to make more messes for you to clean up.’
She grabbed hold of his arm, forcing him to stop and look at her. ‘You’re not another mess. I just… I just need a moment to think, and you’re already shutting me out.’
He searched her eyes. ‘You don’t get both. You know that, right?’
‘I know.’ She swallowed hard. ‘I know that. Surely you understand that I’m in a position to help, so I feel morally obligated to do so.’
Astin scraped his teeth over his lip, nodding. ‘I understand.’ He was quiet a moment. ‘And hopefully you understand that if I remain your guard, I’m morally obligated to stand outside the king’s bedchamber every night while you fulfil other obligations.’
Tears gathered in her eyes, but she blinked them back. ‘Please don’t hate me. I can handle anything except for that.’
His expression softened. ‘I don’t hate you.’
‘Fletcher!’ The warden’s voice boomed across the open space.
Astin turned. ‘Yes, sir?’
Shapur looked between them. ‘Take Lady Lyndal to the terrace—now.’
Saluting, Astin watched him stride off before turning back to Lyndal. ‘Keep your cloak closed. Don’t let Queen Fayre see your nightdress.’