Then You Saw Me by Carrie Aarons
21
Austin
The first ten minutes of the car ride are quiet, the darkness shrouding us as David Bowie hums through the speakers.
It’s nearly seven p.m., and we haven’t hit daylight savings yet, so I can’t make out Taya’s expression, though I want to, terribly.
“Thank you for coming with me today.”
I reach across the center console and put my hand on her knee, then squeeze. Though she has jeans on and I can’t run my hand over her smooth skin, this is the most comforted I’ve felt all day. There is something about Taya that puts me at ease, almost like I can be my most authentic self when I’m around her. It might have been a last-minute invite, but I’m glad she’s with me today. And there is something about her being in the room with my family that shows her something about me I could never explain.
Apparently, the universe is throwing us all kinds of demonstrations today, since we ran into her family at the mall. From the way she was with her mother and sister, it’s clear that there is just as much tension in that relationship as the one I have with my parents.
When Taya doesn’t answer, I realize she’s so preoccupied that she didn’t hear me.
“It was nice to meet your mom and sister,” I toss it out, wondering what she’ll say.
Because while it was nice to meet some of her family, the whole thing felt more awkward than my grandfather’s entire party. Taya knows a lot about my family because of who they are in Webton, but I guess I never really realized hers has baggage too. It’s a big flaw of mine, my inability to look past my own life’s drama and issues. When I do, I realize that a lot of the people around me have shit going on too. In that regard, it makes me feel closer to this beautiful girl whose mind I suddenly want to pick apart.
“Yeah.” She nods, clearly lost in her own head.
“Your sister is the Olympian, right?” I throw the question out, waiting to see when Taya will actually talk to me.
A quick glance away from the highway and in her direction shows me that she’s deep in thought, staring out the passenger side window.
“Not yet, but yes, she’s on her way.” The sarcastic end note to her sentence alerts me that it’s a sensitive topic.
But just like my family and me, you get to know people by the chatter in Webton. It’s a big suburb with a small-town feel, and everyone is always in everyone else’s business. And those people loved to know the business of Webton’s most famous, or infamous, residents. I didn’t put two and two together when I met her, or even when we saw her sister in the mall. But now that I think about it, I’ve heard things about her sister and those horse competitions. Taya’s sister was going to be a local celebrity after her brush with the Olympics, so of course, some townspeople want to ride her coattails or be attached to her.
“Were you planning on seeing your family when we were in town?” Another question and I’m sure she’ll try to dodge it.
Taya chuckles, but the tone is far from amusement or humor. “No. If I had, they probably wouldn’t have even known I was there.”
Well, that’s a lot to unpack.
The headlights shine on the highway, and I move my hand up her thigh, searching for her hand. When I find it, I lace our fingers together. It’s starting to get difficult whenever I have to let her go in any way. I crave holding her in whatever way I can and find myself reaching out subconsciously.
“What do you mean?” I don’t want to push, but she seems to be letting a wall down, and I want to topple it.
She sighs but takes her other hand and begins rubbing her thumb on mine where our hands are joined. The motion relaxes me, and I wish like hell we were out of this car and in one of our beds.
“My mom hasn’t called in weeks. She and my dad have barely been up to see me since I came to college. They’re always jetting off to Kathleen’s competitions, though it’s been that way since we were kids, so I don’t know why I expect anything more. When I am home, the conversation always turns to horses, or equipment, or whatever the fuck they’re doing for Kathleen next. So I really don’t go. I don’t know, it’s been like this most of my life. I feel like they barely know me, and my mom, as you can see, has no idea how to talk to me. As if it’s that hard. Kathleen is the abnormal child, by all standards.”
Her voice nearly breaks, but she covers it up, and by the way she physically shrugs, I can tell she’s been burying these emotions for as long as her sister has been riding horses.
“I’m sorry, Taya.” I say it simply because no amount of me trying to fix anything will help.
Sometimes, things just suck, and that’s all.
“It’s nothing, really.” She looks away again.
The highway stretches in front of us, and I wish so badly I could pull over and kiss her right now, but I want to get us home and upstairs so we can do way more than kiss.
My hand squeezes in hers. “No, it is something. You saw how messed up my family is. I know how that kind of tension takes a toll. It’s pretty unfair that your mom and dad dedicate so much time to your sister, but can’t seem to make a few minutes to call you.”
The shaky breath she takes is laced with tears. “That’s just the tip of the iceberg. I mean, you name a big moment in my life, and I guarantee one of my parents missed it because they were off at a competition with Kathleen. Eighth grade graduation, my first varsity basketball game, the time I got inducted into French honor society, even prom. Only my dad could drop me off at college because Kath was competing in equestrian nationals in Georgia. I just feel forgotten.”
God, the despair in her voice absolutely guts me. I hate that she feels so unseen, that I contributed to that not so long ago. This girl is brilliant, gorgeous, and so humble and laid-back that it makes me want to spend every moment with her.
“I see you. I will never forget you.” Removing my hand from hers, I run the back of it over her cheek, caressing that velvety smooth skin. She closes her eyes, leaning into my touch, and I feel it.
The healing we’re providing each other. Her, by coming with me into the den of lions that is my family. She stood tall and didn’t need any special consideration. Taya simply supported me and was the steady presence she always is. Swimming with the sharks usually makes my blood boil, but I find myself pretty calm on this drive home. That’s because of her.
And I hope I can give her the same. She deserves to be seen on every level; she deserves to be the priority and have her accomplishments celebrated. It’s been mere days since we became attached at the hip, but I feel like I know her on a level deeper than almost anyone I’ve encountered thus far.
Maybe it’s because we are both broken in the same way and just want someone to see the real person underneath.