Then You Saw Me by Carrie Aarons

26

Austin

Gio, Brian, and Evan’s living room is so dirty, I can barely find an open space to sit on the couch.

“You guys are gross,” I complain, so happy I decided not to live here.

There’s something to be said about living in a house that’s half made up of women because a certain standard existed.

Brian shrugs. “No one who comes over seems to mind.”

“Oh, believe me, they mind. They just see a football player and don’t say anything.” The girls who come around Brian are usually jersey groupies looking for one thing.

“Yo, Vanny!” Gio daps me up, walking into their living room and plopping down.

I’ve missed these guys since I’ve been spending so much time at my own house.

Another week has passed, and Taya and I have been together for about a month or so. We haven’t had the conversation about whether or not we’re exclusive, about whether or not she is my girlfriend and I am her boyfriend. It seems dumb, honestly, like we’re in middle school or something. I think she’s smart enough to know that I’m not interested or sleeping with anyone else, and I know the same when it comes to her.

Plus, I wouldn’t say I’m avoiding having a conversation about being a couple, but I’m glad Taya isn’t pushing it. With each passing day, and as the clock winds down to graduation, my anxiety ramps up. I have no idea what decisions I’m going to make, nor do I have a plan on how to decide. I feel like, when it comes to my career and future and relationship, I’m going to spin around at the last second with my eyes closed and see where my finger lands. Which is a horrible plan, but I can’t bring myself to disappoint whole groups of people. It’s the way I’m conditioned and have been since my father sunk his claws into me at birth.

“Haven’t seen you around, dude.” Evan is playing FIFA on the couch and barely waves.

“I know, sorry, guys. I, uh, haven’t been down to the bars lately.” I scratch the back of my neck.

“Because he’s too busy getting pussy in his own damn house.” Brian snorts, winking at me.

“Hey, hey, don’t say it that way.” Taya is so much more than pussy. Just saying the word like she’s some hot hook up, which she was, degrades what we have.

“Sorry, sorry.” He lifts his hands like a white flag.

“Yeah, that’s his girl,” Gio says, popping some chips in his mouth.

“You? A girlfriend? I’m kind of shocked.” Brian looks like he might pick up a pile of random trash but then sits back down.

I don’t correct him on the term girlfriend, because I kind of like how it sounds.

“Well, it was actually a non-starter for a little while there,” I hedge, knowing I haven’t really explained this to the guys yet.

“What do you mean?” Evan doesn’t look up from the TV, but I know he’s listening.

I haven’t told anyone this up until now, and it feels like I’m gossiping about Taya or something. But these are my friends, and with the thoughts I’ve had recently, I need an outside opinion. Maybe they’ll just think it’s a funny story.

“I’ve told you guys about what my family is like … like, who they are in my hometown?”

“The rich fucks who own everything? Yeah, you’ve told us.” Brian snorts.

I chuck an empty beer can at him, but he ducks it. “Essentially, yes. By a completely freak accident of events, I got this letter at my college house. It wasn’t addressed to anyone, but came from my freshman year English teacher from high school. So I opened it—”

“Was this teacher a hot chick? Was it full of nudes?” Evan again, still not making eye contact.

I roll mine. “The teacher was a dude, and this is not that kind of story. Also, who sends nudes in the mail anymore?”

Brian chuckles. “He has a point, Ev.”

Gio jiggles his cell phone in the air. “All the nudes I need are on here.”

“Yeah, your own.” I laugh. “Anyway, I opened it, and it ended up not being mine. It was actually Taya’s, but I didn’t realize it until the end. I read the thing, and she … uh, well, she gushes about me.”

“In the letter?” Brian looks confused. “But how?”

“Well, I guess she’s always had a crush on me, but I didn’t realize that. Then I got that letter—”

“And you invaded her privacy and read it.” That one’s Evan, who still hasn’t looked at me instead of the TV.

My gut clenches. “Yeah, I know I did.”

“Dude, that’s kind of weird.” Gio eyes me, cocking his head to the side. “She was like, obsessed with you?”

“She really manifested that shit, huh?” Brian chimes in.

“It’s like if you were a famous person or something. Some girl had your posters in her bedroom, and now you’re dating her. It’s like … what’s that movie? Single White Female?”

Evan doesn’t understand that in Webton, I kind of am famous. That’s not cocky, it’s just stating a fact.

“No, none of that.” I buzz their words away like they’re annoying gnats. “I mean, I was freaked out about it. But now I’m not. I’m sure we all had embarrassing crushes when we were freshman.”

“Yeah, I was into Demi Lovato. But I’m not currently pursuing her,” Gio hedges.

“I’d just be careful, man.” Evan finally sets his controller down. “With a girl like that, there will be a ton of expectations. She might not be voicing them now, but she’s thought about this for a long time. You’ve been telling us that a commitment is the last thing you want. Actually, you’ve always said that. This girl? She’s a whole-ass commitment.”

My heart stammers in my chest, as if it’s trying to defend what Taya and I have but can’t form the words. They just don’t get it; they don’t know how we’ve passed it, and how much I’ve discovered about her when I really got to know her.

Brian whistles low. “Damn, since when did you go all therapist on us?”

Gio shrugs. “Ev kind of has a point, though. There is always something left to be desired when you think you’re more into the person than they are into you. It gives the whole thing … excitement, I guess. With that letter, you know all of her cards. And when you can’t play the hand she wants dealt, what’s going to happen?”

“So I should want someone who isn’t as into me?” I chuckle, but it has a bitter tone to it.

“Not what I’m saying. Hey, man, you’re the one who brought this up.” Gio backs off, both verbally and physically.

He walks across the room, and part of me wonders why I told them in the first place. Gio’s statement is ignorant. I’ve never wanted a girl who plays games, even if my friends do.

But in the back of my mind, haven’t I thought some of the same things? Spending so much time with her has made me see just how unique and special of a person she is. There is still that pressure, though, the one I feel I need to measure up to to be the guy she wrote about in that letter. And my own insecurities about my hometown and who my family is … that’s not easily quieted.

I’m leaving Talcott University in just over a month. And then we’ll be hours away, for years to come, if we decide to stay together.

The thought of Taya with someone else makes me want to punch one of the nasty walls in this house. But thinking about her comparing me to that fantasy guy when I can’t be here for her?

I’m beginning to think that might be worse.