Tarnished Love by Bianca Borell
FILIP
Why did I pick her up from the airport? Why do I allow this to continue? Am I addicted to the pain? I guess I am, but I missed her. I missed her not taking my bullshit. I hate Damien even more for taking something from me again even though it’s not on purpose. It’s not as if he knew what he would cost me. She takes the remote from me, shuts off the TV, straddles me, and then kisses me. I forget everything except for her, and I don’t care anymore. I make peace with the knowledge I will lose her eventually, but until then she’s all mine.
“What do you really want, Chloe?” I ask as my fingers slide down her back.
“You.”
I smile against her neck, her answer undoing me. It’s comical, and I doubt she even realizes it.
“Prove it.” My weakness gets the best of me, as I babbled it out. She slides down my torso and drops to her knees in front of me. She unzips me, and my head falls back.
“I am,” she whispers, delivering the last blow to the walls around my heart, lying so damn beautifully as she wraps those lips around me. I don’t care, I just want to feel. I can’t keep staring at her, at her stealing something from me I wasn’t aware I still possessed. With every lick and every move of her mouth, I give in to the madness this woman elicits in me.
When I can’t take it any longer, I grab her arms and throw her on the couch. “You’re wet,” I say as I slide my finger inside her.
She bites down on my jaw, as if to punish me for the fact that her giving me pleasure arouses her. I’ll take it any day. I remove my finger, replacing it with my cock and I push inside her, keeping up a deep, thrusting pace. Her moans turn inaudible, and when she comes, she’s a puddle of pleasure. Moments later, I shoot my release inside her with a roar.
“Still no condom.”
“Fuck that, it’s too late for us anyway.” I catch her eyes, it’s as if my words have a deeper meaning, and she nods.
“I should go home. I am sure Anabelle is waiting for me.”
“You have a roommate?”
“She’s my best friend too.”
“Don’t go,” I plead, and she smiles at me, sending jolts to my chest and I sigh. How does she make me so needy?
“Another time.”
“At least let me take you home.”
She nods, always giving me one branch, which I hold on to for dear life while hovering above an abyss. When it’s time for the taking, who leaves who with nothing? The drive is quiet, and I am both relieved and on edge. I tap the wheel while she steals glances at me, her eyebrows drawn together.
When we arrive at her building, I peck her on the lips before she climbs out of the car and wave at her as she pulls open the door. After she waves goodbye, I speed off.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Time to call in reinforcements. I pull up my contacts list and call Nico.
“Let’s meet tonight,” I say when he answers.
“You finally pulled your face from that pussy.”
“Shut up, just meet me at the club.”
“I’ll be there in an hour.”
Tonight I just want to forget. I am so in knots over her.
***
“Man, what is wrong with you?” asks Nico, his eyebrows knit together as he points at a girl eye fucking me. I scan her. She must be new in the group.
“Nothing.” I wave him off, and he shakes his head at me as if not believing me. She approaches and sits next to me. I point toward the whiskey bottle, she nods. It’s simply good manners, she does nothing for me. Chloe face pops up in my vision.
“Hi, I am Nicole.”
If I wanted to know her name, I would have asked for it. I check my phone. What is Chloe doing? Should I tell her I went out? Fuck, I have no idea what we are, we’re not just fuck buddies. If we were, there’d be no indecision at all.
“So, what’s your name?”
“You don’t know?” I ask, and she blushes. “Look I am not interested,” I say, and she eyes my phone.
“You have a girlfriend?”
My shoulders straighten, and my first instinct is to shout no, but I swallow down the word from the tip of my tongue and nod. I can’t acknowledge it aloud because it scares the fuck out of me.
“Why isn’t she here?”
Because I didn’t ask her. Maybe I thought I could forget about her and go on with my life with no complications, but with every second, my Chloe addiction worsens.
“You’re bad company,” Nicole states, and I smile and crook my head to hers. She has an obvious beauty about her, the one enhanced by an incredibly good doctor and very talented makeup artist.
“Why stay then?”
“This is me going after something I want.”
“And you want me?”
“Yes, you look kind of zoned out and I just want a rebound. Thought we’d be a good fit for a night.”
She finishes her drink and leaves while everyone around us stares at me, eyes wide, mouths agape.
“Now I am worried you’re sick.” My phone chimes with a text.
Chloe: I like this, don’t you dare bloody ruin it.
I grin, all the knots loosening in my chest. I head toward the men’s bathroom and call her.
“What have you done to me, Chloe?” I ask, and she giggles. They strike my heart in the best way possible. I sigh. The door opens and music blares inside.
“I can’t hear you, it’s too loud.”
“I am in a club.” Silence on both the other side and in the bathroom until I hear Nico say, “Filip, Nicole won’t wait all night,” and I groan.
“Have fun,” she forces out.
“Chloe?”
Why did I call her? To ask for permission like a child? To ease this guilt chewing at my insides.
“I don’t know what I’m doing.” This is the honest truth.
“I am sorry for you then,” she answers and hangs up.
***
It’s been four days since Chloe hung up on me, leaving me cranky and on the brink of snapping at everyone. I need to breathe and the office suffocates me. I rush outside and step inside the restaurant on the corner. My heart stutters when I catch Chloe having lunch with Damien, smiling at him. The green-eyed monster springs to life, further proof of how bad I have it for her. I approach them, forcing myself to act as unaffected as possible. She stiffens when I stand behind her back, gripping the chair, and Damien jerks his chin. Her hand trembles on the spoon and pauses midway.
“How’s the happy couple?”
Damien scowls and Chloe twists her head toward me. At the fury, the anger in her gaze, I arch my lips and smile. I missed her.
“Filip,” Damien says, and I snap out of my trance. I plop down next to her, and the heat coming from her body scorches me.
“Really?” she asks, and Damien opens his mouth to speak, but I don’t give him an opportunity.
“I can sit wherever I want.”
“Is this okay, Chloe?” he asks her, and I ball my hands at my sides.
“Yes, whatever,” she says nonchalantly while I caress her thigh until she yanks my hand away under the table.
“The new campaign. You outdid yourself.”
“Yes, I had inspiration.”
“Do tell.” Chloe pinches my thigh.
“It came to me when I was grocery shopping.” Damien’s eyes widen in surprise, and his reaction angers me.
“It’s not as if you’re any better,” I mumble, and Chloe bursts into laughter and adds, “Oh he is.”
“How would you know?” She snaps her mouth shut after her slip, while I swallow my anger. So, she’s gone grocery shopping with him too.
“I was ill, and I sent him to pick up something. He came back after twenty minutes.”
“I would be faster.”
“To ditch?” she says, her sarcasm punching me in the chest.
“Chloe, do you have plans this weekend?” Damien asks.
“Where are we going?” she asks him, and it’s the intimacy between them that has me seeing red.
“I have a gala to attend, a fundraiser. Will you come with me?” The fundraiser my sister is organizing, but it’s not what he tells her.
“Yes, of course.”
“The entire world already thinks you’re together,” I snarl, and they both shrug. “It’s Bria’s event.”
She twitches, and he grips the cutlery beside his plate as his phone chimes. All the evidence points to the fact that my sister returned for him, and this stupid fuck doesn’t even acknowledge it.
“I have to take this,” Damien says as he drops the napkin, then stands and leaves.
“Don’t go with him.”
“I can do whatever I want, Filip.”
“Come with me instead,” I plead, and for one second I glimpse the battle behind her eyes.
“He will always be there for me,” she says. “You’re the one I know will run away just because you’re a damn coward.”
“I mean it, if you go . . .”
“If I go, what? Our little affair is over? Wake up, Filip, it already is.”
“Because I went out?” She shuts her eyes and then reopens them. I want those eyes only on me, just me.
“No, Filip, because since we started you wanted to chase things to the end. Here we are.”
“Don’t go with him. Let me—”
“Damien is my friend, but I will never be more than your dirty little secret,” she shouts interrupting and storms away. When Damien returns, he scans for her, and his eyes hood with accusation.
“What have you done?”
I raise my hands and say, “Nothing, didn’t know she gets offended easily.”
“What did you say to her?”
“How much does it cost you to have a supermodel as a friend?”
The fury shimmers in his eyes.
“Always a prick. I would give her everything she asks for, but I have to force her to accept anything at all.”
“Don’t bring her to the gala.”
“Why?”
How can I balance my jealousy with the fact that pushing my sister to react might get her back?
“This event is special for Bria.” His expression turns curious, and I realize I’m giving him another reason to bring her. I sigh.
“Why would she even care?”
“It’s for people with heart problems.”
“Every year one of us decides where the funds go. What’s so special this time?”
He doesn’t know the whole story, and I can’t tell him.
“One day I will pity you even more,” I say and leave.
***
“It’s a great event.” I sweep my gaze around the ballroom, shiny rose and black balloons making a wall, vases dripping with flowers on the tables, champagne flutes and appetizers carried around by uniformed waiters, elegant gowns and tailored suits occupying the floor, while laughter and chatting overshadow the orchestra playing in the corner.
“Thank you, Filip.”
“You should be up there sharing your survival story. You’re a survivor.” My sister offers me a small smile.
“It’s that what I am to you?” My heart breaks in my chest.
“It would be appropriate.”
“No, Filip, what I have happening inside me . . . there is no cure.” Something like panic sneaks itself inside me, but before I can ask her what she means, Alexander appears.
“Hi, sweetheart, ready to go?” It’s not that she isn’t eager to go away as soon as possible but it’s her birthday, she asked for this event instead—two in one.
When I tilt my head, I understand why. Damien shows up with Chloe at his side, and the atmosphere shifts. Moments later Bria and Alexander step away. I shoot Damien an accusatory glare, and Chloe halts. In this moment, I hate the two of them. Have they any idea how rare these moments with my sister are?
I storm away only to turn around when I hear Bria’s voice. She’s on stage, and with every word she utters, my heart constricts in my chest, my hands fist at my sides as I fight a myriad of emotions.
“The heart is just a muscle. So fragile, so wonderful, but most of all breakable. It keeps us alive, maybe it’s the most important organ of them all. I know you’re thinking the most important is the brain, with all its power, but the heart is the organ of love. Don’t roll your eyes at me, the brain does that too. But I want these children to believe in the heart’s magic, to hope and live and love.”
Everyone stills, even though just me, Mom, Dad, and Monica know about her condition, anyone can detect her vulnerability. My sister, so damn strong, so utterly damaged. Damien calls out a bid first. So do others, and for a second they look at each other, and then he raises the bar so damn high, no one else outbids him. Help her, Damien! I want to shout at him. All that money will help so many children, but who will help her?
No one.
She’s just a monolith of nothingness.
