Smoke & Mirrors by Skye Jordan
29
Isabel
My anger and hurt have softened into a blah type of depression. Even the designer clothes Maya is letting me borrow for the interviews don’t cheer me up.
I’ve got a flight at 6:00 a.m. tomorrow, and Tucker got coverage to leave work early and take me to the airport. This is something I’ve wanted for so long, yet my heart isn’t in it. I spent the night trying to get ramped up for it, imagining how fun it would be to explore a new city. Make new friends. Actually get a job doing something I love.
But with the rift between Logan and me so fresh, all I feel is loss. I need to apologize for not giving him the whole story. I don’t expect him to accept it, but I have to give it anyway—as soon as I get back from these interviews. He should have cooled off by then.
I snug boots in the corner of the suitcase and look at the finished product, with my heart heavy and my interest in this whole event depleted. This just feels like a chore. A lonely, disappointing chore.
“You’ve got a pretty sweet deal right here.”
Maya’s words have been haunting me. And the more I think about it, the more I realize how much I’ve built here in such a short time. Friends, family, community, business. Comfort, happiness, a sense of belonging. But what’s really messing with my mind are my feelings for Logan. I even miss Lucky under my feet.
But there’s something I still need in my life: validation. Having a company like Charlie Moss or Threadbare value my work… It’s what I’ve always dreamed of.
The look on Logan’s face when he left the jail won’t leave my head. He’d already put me behind him. He couldn’t possibly care about me that much if it was that easy to shut down and walk away from what was between us. Maybe I read him just as wrong as he read me.
Maybe we’re both too fucked up to find happiness.
“You ready?”
Maya’s voice startles me. I stuff my feelings and smile at her standing in the doorway to Tucker’s bedroom. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”
She strolls into the room and stares at the suitcase. “I’m leaving.”
“What?” I turn toward her. “Why?”
“They need me back at work. Some fire I need to put out.”
My heart sinks. “I was hoping you’d be here when I got back so we could talk about the jobs.”
“There’s this thing, it’s called a phone…”
I return my attention to the suitcase, already feeling another wave of loss, and I ask a question that’s been nagging at me. “Why do you stay in New York when you know what a jungle the fashion industry is?”
“Because I’m a lion in that jungle. My only threat is a poacher, and I’ve got an eye for poachers. Besides, I’m getting as much out of New York as New York is getting out of me. I won’t be there forever. It’s just a step in my grander life plan.”
“That’s mysterious.”
“I’m still in the keep-it-to-myself phase.”
“Well, whatever it is, I have no doubt you’ll be successful.”
“As will you.” She opens her arms, and we hug.
“I’m sorry I let so much time get between us,” I tell her.
“Me too.” She pulls away and smiles at me. “Not anymore, right?”
“Right.”
“If these jobs aren’t perfect,” she says, “don’t take them. You’re a gem and if they don’t appreciate you, fuck ’em.”
I laugh. “Says the girl with the kickass career.”
“Sometimes you get a kickass career by saying no.”
She gives me one more hug, then she’s gone. And now I’m suffering the loss of both Robertses.
I drop to the bed and stare out the window to all the trees and the stormy autumn sky, trying to figure out what I really want and what I’m willing to do to get it.