Come Break My Heart Again by C.W. Farnsworth

Chapter Seventeen

The drive from the busy streets of Boston to the winding lanes leading to Eliza’s family’s beach house should be a relaxing one. William is driving, so all I have to do is stare out the window and enjoy the scenery. Unfortunately, I spend it rife with anxiety rather than eagerly looking forward to the holiday weekend. I didn’t ask Eliza if Ryder was also invited to the Fourth of July celebration she and Tommy decided to throw as a last hurrah before their wedding, but I wanted to. Or more specifically, wanted to know if he accepted the invitation.

I don’t have to wonder for long. A familiar truck is already parked on the clamshells. I’m surprised the vehicle is still running. Also taken aback by the nostalgia the sight of it sparks.

I climb out of the passenger seat, stretching before I let Scout out of the backseat. It’s late; past eleven. Someone’s assurance we’d be leaving by five turned out to actually mean nine-thirty, and that person was not me.

William looks around as he exits the car, the salt air ruffling his dark hair.

“Wow. This is nice.” He studies the exterior of the large cottage, which is covered with wooden shingles stained light gray by the sodium dissolved in the air. You can’t see the ocean in the dim light of the crescent moon, but the sound of surf is audible from here.

“Yeah, it is,” I reply, inhaling the scent of the sea as I grab my bag from the trunk of William’s Audi and start up the steps.

“Hello?” I call out as I step in the front door. “We’re finally…”

I stop mid-announcement. Everyone is sprawled out in the living room located to the immediate right, playing some sort of card game. It’s essentially the same group that was here for the combined bachelor and bachelorette parties, except I’m not the only one who brought a significant other along this time. Jessica’s husband is here, there’s a petite woman perched next to Mike, and… Lily Sampson is seated beside Ryder.

“Here,” I finish.

I’m distracted by Scout’s excited bark. He’s spotted Ryder, and clearly remembers him, sprinting over to his side and jumping up on him. I hurry after him, grabbing Scout’s collar so I can pull my dog off my ex.

“I’m sorry,” I tell Ryder.

“It’s fine,” he replies, smiling slightly. “I would have been offended if he forgot about all the quality time we spent with the tennis ball.”

“Hey, everyone.” William enters the house and is looking curiously at me holding a straining Scout. Everyone replies with generic greetings, and then I make introductions. William’s met Eliza, Tommy, Jessica, and Paige before, but no one else. I’m relieved I retain a neutral tone when I introduce Ryder and Lily.

“What’s wrong with Scout?” he asks me.

“He’s just overexcited,” I reply.

“Hmmm,” William responds, and I’m certain he’s holding back an I told you so. Eliza only invited us a couple days ago, but he managed to suggest we find a kennel to board Scout at three times. “This place is great, Eliza. We’d always head to the Hamptons if we were staying local. I can see why Eleanor was raving about her last trip here.”

I certainly wouldn’t have used the word raving to describe my assessment of the bachelorette party, and I don’t think anyone else here that weekend would have either, if the glances I’m getting are any indication.

William is oblivious. “Maybe we should start looking for a place around here, babe.”

“Yeah, maybe,” I reply, still struggling with an eager Scout.

“I can take him down to the beach, if you want,” Ryder offers, forcing me to look at him.

I give him a grateful smile. “Yeah, if you don’t mind. He hasn’t gotten much exercise lately.”

Ryder nods and stands from the couch.

“You look kind of familiar,” William comments unexpectedly. “Have we met before?”

Air stalls in my lungs, and it feels like the whole room is holding its breath right alongside me. I’ve never mentioned Ryder to William in any way, shape, or form. How could he possibly have…

Ryder solves the mystery. “Yeah. You were soliciting whiskey recommendations at the bar.”

William snaps his fingers. “That’s right.” He glances at me, then back to Ryder. “What were you doing at Eleanor’s gala?”

“His mom helped me start the charity,” I blurt.

“Oh, really? That’s great,” William replies. “Have I met her?”

I nod once. “Kat.”

“Christopher’s mother?” William sounds surprised, and I’m certain I know why. He knows my relationship with Kat and Christopher predates ours. The fact I’ve never mentioned a third member of their family is strange. To anyone who doesn’t know the full story, at least.

“Uh-huh,” I answer.

Ryder approaches, and I let Scout go so he can jump all over him. William watches with a speculative expression.

“We were worried you guys weren’t going to make it,” Eliza chimes in. I give her a grateful glance.

“Yeah, sorry. Work ran long,” I explain.

“Eleanor’s just being nice,” William adds. “It’s my fault. I told her I’d be ready to leave at five. Something came up with a client that really couldn’t wait.”

“Well, you’re here now. That’s all that matters,” Eliza responds. “Do you guys want anything to eat? Or drink?”

“I’m all set,” I reply. “I’m pretty tired, actually.” I went into the office at six this morning in order to be ready to leave on time. A wasted effort, in hindsight.

“Me, too,” William adds with a yawn.

“Okay. I’ll show you guys your room.” Eliza jumps up from the couch and heads for the stairs. William and I follow. “This okay?” she asks as we enter the bedroom across the hall at the top of the stairs.

“Great,” I respond, setting my suitcase down on the floor.

“Beautiful view,” William adds, looking out the window that overlooks the beach.

“Just wait until the morning,” Eliza replies. “I’ll let you two get settled.”

“Good night,” I give her a hug.

“Night. Night, William!”

“Night, Eliza,” he replies.

I grab my toiletry kit as soon as she disappears, heading down the hall to get ready for bed. Exhaustion seems to have replaced the marrow in my bones. Work has been crazy, but that’s not the sole source of my fatigue. Nor is the endless stream of messages from my mother with wedding semantics. Or the lack of communication from William.

I still feel stuck. Unsure. Being around Ryder amplifies it.

Once I finish getting ready for bed, I walk back downstairs. The card game is still going strong, so I just give the group a small wave as I pass them and head for the French doors. Moonlight reflects off the water, providing just enough illumination for me to see a human and canine figure on the beach. I walk outside, inhaling deeply as my hair swirls around my face. The ocean looks dark and menacing, inky ripples slithering onto the shore and retreating. I can’t hear anything but the pound of the dark water on the sand, and it quiets the thoughts bouncing around my brain.

“You good?”

I turn, and Ryder’s standing there, slightly crouched to hold Scout’s collar. No surprise he wasn't eager to head back to the house.

“Yeah,” I reply. “Here, I can take him.”

I move to grab Scout’s collar, and Ryder lets go. The palm of his hand brushes my knuckles, and goosebumps I can’t blame on the breeze rise on my skin.

“Are you? Good?”

“Yeah. I’m good,” Ryder responds, running his now-free hand through his hair. I hate he still does that.

“Good.” I don’t think I’ve ever uttered the word good so many times in a row, but it seems as good a way to move on from the angry words we exchanged a week ago at the gala as any. “Good night.”

“Night,” he says as I turn away.

I leave Ryder out on the deck and return to the bedroom. William is fast asleep on the bedspread, still in his suit. At least he took off his shoes. I lock Scout in his crate, change into pajamas, and climb under the covers. I’m asleep seconds after my head hits the soft pillow, eager to sink into the reliable escape of sleep.

* * *

The following morning, I’m awakened by the first streaks of sunrise. Golden fingers are creeping in through the slit between the shade and the window frame. William must have woken up at some point because he’s now wearing pajamas and under the covers with me.

I slip out of bed silently, changing into a strapless dress and grabbing my toiletries kit again. After using the bathroom, I head downstairs with Scout. No one else is up yet. The living room bears clear signs of last night’s activities, with empty wine glasses and beer bottles littering the side tables. A half-eaten bowl of popcorn sits on the couch. I pull Scout away from the enticing snack and out onto the back deck.

Once we reach the beach, I unclip his leash, allowing him to roam free. Scout takes full advantage, alternating between sniffing and sprinting along the edge of the surf that’s now a crystalline, clear blue.

I’m about to call him back when he starts racing back in my direction. Except he doesn’t stop when he reaches me. He keeps running, and I turn to see Ryder descending the stairs, wearing a t-shirt and basketball shorts.

“What did you do to my dog?” I ask in greeting. “He’s obsessed with you.”

Ryder grins. “Good morning to you, too.”

“Morning.” We may be unable to make it through a full conversation without exchanging some sort of insult, but we’ve got time of day greetings down.

He crouches down to pet Scout, who’s still leaping on him, begging for attention. “Hey, buddy,” he says as he strokes him.

“I’m surprised you’re here,” I tell him.

“Didn’t have any other plans for the weekend,” Ryder replies, still petting Scout. “And the last trip wasn’t terrible.”

I can’t see his face, so I’m not sure whether I’m imagining the teasing edge to his voice or not. “Can’t believe you managed to make it here in that old truck. I figured it was gone since you didn’t drive it here last time.”

Ryder glances up, and he’s smirking. “That old truck works fine. They don’t—”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. They don’t make them like that anymore,” I finish. “I hope you’ve fixed the doors, at least.”

“Only seemed to pose a problem for you,” Ryder retorts. “But Chris took good care of it while I was… gone.”

“Yeah, I know. He let me change the oil once.”

Ryder laughs. “Not really surprised. You pretty much hung the moon, as far as he’s concerned. Got a real earful from him about the gala.”

“Me, too,” I admit.

He gives me a surprised glance. “About what?”

“You.”

Ryder raises both brows. “Really?”

“He’s your brother. Of course he’s protective of you.”

“I guess so. We usually opt for the tough love approach.”

“Since we’re clearing the air, I should probably… I’m sorry for how I acted at the gala.” I look down at the sand Scout’s rolling in. “I was jealous and immature. I just… it was weird for me. Seeing you with someone else.”

“It’s okay,” Ryder says softly, and I finally look at him. “It was weird for me too. Still is.” He pauses. “I’m sorry, too. If the scolding Mom gave me was any indication, I was pretty out of line.”

“Kat told you off?” A ball of warmth appears in my chest.

Ryder nods, sucking his bottom lip between his teeth. “Oh, yeah.”

Neither of us say anything as he continues to pet Scout, who’s ecstatic about the unending attention.

“I made a pot of coffee, if you want some,” Ryder eventually adds. “I don’t think anyone else is up yet. It ended up being a late night.”

“Okay,” I reply.

“All right if we play some fetch?” He nods to Scout.

“Pretty sure he would disown me if I said no,” I respond. “Go for it.”

Ryder nods once, and then continues down the beach. Scout follows him. I head inside. The kitchen is empty and silent. I fill a mug with coffee and add some oat milk from the fridge. I take a seat on one of the island stools, then rise again a couple minutes later. Restless, I walk into the living room, clearing the empty bottles and glasses. I put all the glasses in the dishwasher and the bottles in the recycling. The stale popcorn ends up in the trash.

There still aren’t any signs of life in the house, so I head back out onto the deck, descending the stairs. Ryder and Scout are playing in the sand, and I sink down a dozen feet away, sipping my coffee as I watch them. The sun has risen completely, making the scene before me look like it belongs on a postcard. Hot guy, happy dog, heavenly view.

After about fifteen minutes, Ryder walks over and takes a seat next to me on the beach. Scout takes the opportunity to chase a seagull into the ocean.

I sigh as I watch him run through the water. “Do you think Eliza’s going to like him less or more soaking wet?” I ask.

“Less would be my guess,” Ryder responds, smiling.

It’s a few minutes before I speak again. “So, you brought Lily.”

“Yeah,” Ryder confirms. “I did.”

“Are you guys… serious?”

“We’ll see,” is his vague response.

I don’t press any further. It’s none of my business.

“How’s work?” Ryder asks, effectively shifting subjects.

I shoot him a side glance. “You’re asking me about my job?”

“Isn’t that a common small talk topic?”

“Sure. Just the last one I thought you’d choose to ask me about.”

“It’s important to you, right?”

“I guess so,” I reply. “Work’s fine. I’m working at my father’s firm for the summer, so I’m pretty sure everyone’s judging me for not deserving the job.”

“Isn’t the other job you got at a better firm than your father’s?”

“Objectively speaking, yes.” I sigh. “I haven’t taken it.”

“The job?”

“Yeah.”

“Why not?”

“I’m not sure… if I want it.”

Concern flashes across Ryder’s handsome face. “This isn’t about… This isn’t because of what I said. Right?”

I roll my eyes. “Give me some credit. I don’t make life choices based on my ex-boyfriend’s opinion.” I give him a quick glance, embarrassed by the slip. We never put labels on our high school interactions. “You just… said some things I was already thinking, I guess. Gave them some validity.”

“It’s your life, Elle.”

“Yeah, I know. Lots of people have strong opinions about how I should live it, though. I’ve never been great about tuning those out.”

“You did with us.”

I raise my eyebrows at that, and he shrugs. “You can’t honestly tell me any of your family or friends told you it was a good idea to date me.”

“Yeah, well, you were an easy choice.”

“Do you regret it?”

I don’t have to think about my answer. “No. I’ve never regretted it, Ryder.”

“Hey! Breakfast!”

I turn to see Eliza leaning over the railing, waving to us. Everyone else seems to already be out on the deck. Both Ryder and I stand, and I call Scout. He bounds over, happily shaking salty water and sand all over me.

We head for the stairs. Ryder falls into step a few paces behind me. I wonder if it’s an attempt to distance us in front of the prying eyes I can feel tracking our progress to the deck.

“Morning, everyone,” I greet as I set my mug on the table and take a seat next to William.

Sleepy smiles greet me.

“You were up early,” William says.

“Yup. Sun woke me,” I respond, grabbing one of the muffins that have been set out on the table.

“So I was thinking after breakfast we could play some football,” Tommy announces as he appears on the deck, holding a steaming plate of scrambled eggs. “Really embrace the American spirit for the Fourth.”

Mike snorts. “I’d rather just drink copious amounts of Budweiser to embrace the American spirit.”

Tommy groans as he sinks down in his chair. “I need a break from drinking after last night. Plus, Ryder’s here, so I’ll actually be able to catch some passes.”

Mike flips a grinning Tommy off. “I’d never played quarterback, okay?”

“You never played anything,” Tommy retorts. “Ryder’s the only one who was good enough to actually play.”

“One game,” Mike scoffs. “Hardly a flourishing career.”

“One more than you played,” Ryder jumps in with, finally joining the conversation.

“Please. You never would have even played in that one if you weren’t trying to impress…”

Mike doesn’t say my name, but the glance he shoots my way pretty much gives away who he’s talking about for the few people at this table who didn’t already know Ryder and I share a romantic past. Unfortunately, those few people include my fiancé.

I’m more occupied by the trip down memory lane, though.

“If he was trying to impress me, I don’t think he would have spent ten minutes yelling at me about how he had better things to do with his time when I suggested he play,” I say, before taking a bite of muffin.

Ryder glares at me, but it doesn’t hold any hostility. Mike chokes on a laugh.

“That trailer had thin walls, Ry,” Tommy contributes, laughing.

“You just wanted to cheer for a winning team for once,” Paige tells me, laughing as well.

We’re all dancing around Liam’s name, but the conversation is light despite the heavy reminder. The first two months of senior year were a couple of the best ones in my life. It’s a relief to let the pain and confusion that closely followed them fall away, even if only for a moment, and focus on the positive.

As soon as breakfast ends, the men all head down to the beach to toss a football around. Well, almost all. William excuses himself to make a work call. I stay out on the deck to enjoy the warm sun and company of some of my closest friends. Lily leaves a couple minutes after the guys to take a shower.

Once she disappears inside, Paige turns to me. “Did you seriously not tell William about you and Ryder before you came here?”

I lean back in my chair and rest my feet on the railing that encircles the deck. “Do you normally share your dating history from seven years back?”

Paige rolls her eyes. “If I’m vacationing with the guy and we still have off-the-charts chemistry? Yeah, I probably would.”

I shrug, but don’t say anything, prompting the conversation to shift to wedding preparations. Tommy and Eliza’s wedding is only two weeks away. It’s hard to believe after having spent the past year hearing her go over each detail of it again and again. She’s never expressed anything to me except excitement about her upcoming nuptials. I’m excited about them. I’m just not excited about mine.

I don’t contribute much to the discussion, mostly just alternating between looking at the water and staring at the boys playing football on the beach. At one boy.

Ever since I learned where Liam currently is, I’ve spent time combing through London police reports. It’s most likely a complete waste of time and a job better suited for someone who’s had some form of law enforcement training, as my father said. It helps, though. And I know I’m not just searching for justice for Kennedy. I’m seeking out revenge on Ryder’s behalf.

Watching him throw a football wearing a backwards baseball cap and a wide grin on his face, I feel a little of that burning desire to do something ease. Acknowledging the fact that not letting something go gives it more power over you.

“Scale of one to ten, how worried should I be?”

“Huh?” I turn my attention back to the deck, surprised to realize Paige is now the only one still out here with me.

“Elle…” I jolt. She hasn’t called me that since high school.

“I think about him all the time,” I whisper. “I play back all these moments we shared. Then. Now. I keep waiting for that to be enough. To just be… over it.”

“What about William? You love him, right?”

“William’s perfect. Well, no one’s perfect, but I always thought he is as close as it gets. Maybe he is. Maybe he’s just not perfect for me.”

I expect Paige to look triumphant, but her gaze is troubled and sad when I look over at her. “Is this all because of Ryder? Because—well, he—I mean what has he told you? Explained?”

I huff an unamused laugh. “Nothing. You know that.”

“So, what? You’re going to break off your engagement to be with a guy who had issues in high school and is even more unpredictable now?”

I trace the ridge of the railing with my toes. “I thought you’d tell me to follow my heart.”

“I know things between you two are crazy intense. I saw it in high school—maybe before you did—and I see it now. But what if that’s all it is? You moved on for a reason.”

“Yeah. Because I didn’t think he was an option. Ever would be an option. I couldn’t forgive—if he’d really done it. But he didn’t, Paige,” I plead.

“I know. But he did bring another girl here. It took you, what? A year before you’d date any guy at Yale? He’s been out just over a month. Epic love stories have to be two-sided.”

I swallow. I don’t think I’ve totally imagined some of the things Ryder’s done and said as suggesting there’s more than just lingering attraction between us. But Paige’s technically right. He’s given me no clear indication he still has feelings for me.

“I’m sorry. Maybe I’m being too harsh. You know I’ll support you no matter what. Maybe you should break off the engagement with William and keep dating? Just tell him you're not ready for marriage yet.”

“It’s fine, Paige. I needed to hear that,” I assure her. She studies me, and I hide how deeply some of her words cut. When your flighty, reckless best friend tells you something’s a bad idea, it’s generally a good idea to listen.

“Come on. Let’s bike into town,” Paige suggests, standing and stretching.

Exercise and space both sound like good ideas, so I agree. “Okay.” I down the last of my coffee and follow her through the French doors into the kitchen. I rinse my mug and stick it in the dishwasher. “I’m just going to check on William,” I tell Paige. She nods.

William’s in the same spot on the couch I worked from during my last visit here when I enter the sunporch.

“Hey,” he glances up and smiles.

“Hey,” I reply. “Your call’s finished?”

“Yeah, but I’ve got to get this motion submitted now so it can be filed first thing tomorrow.” He gives me a sheepish smile. “Sorry.”

Suddenly, I feel like the worst person in the world. I experience a rush of appreciation toward William. Toward the steady, reliable, hard-working guy I’m lucky enough to have found. Paige’s words come back to me. Epic love stories have to be two-sided. I thought things between me and Ryder were epic. But what is epic? Confusing, consuming, and devastating? Or reassuring and comforting and lasting? At least with William I know things are two-sided. He’s never made me doubt how he feels about me. Maybe that’s the most important trait of all.

“It’s fine. I get it.” I walk over to the couch and take a seat next to him. “The firm’s lucky to have you.” I give him a genuine, warm smile, which he returns.

“So, you’ve known Ryder a while, huh?”

“Yeah…” I’m relieved he’s brought it up, so I don’t have to. “I should have said something before we got here. I wasn’t sure if he would be. We had a thing in high school, but it was forever ago now.”

“It’s fine. I was just surprised. Especially when you said he’s Christopher’s brother. I’ve heard you talk about the kid, but never Ryder.”

I chew on the inside of my cheek, deliberating over how honest to be. “It didn’t end well.”

“You seem to be getting along all right now.”

I’m guessing William would think differently if he’d been here for the combined bachelor and bachelorette parties.

“We’re adults now.” I actually think Ryder and I were two of the more mature high schoolers in Fernwood, but the exception was generally when we interacted. That seems to have held true into adulthood. “Anyway, I was going to see if you wanted to bike into town with me and Paige, but I’m guessing you’d rather get some work done.”

William gives me a knowing smile. “Yeah, I would.”

“Okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.” I lean in to give him a quick kiss, and he surprises me by deepening it, pressing me back against the soft pillows on the couch and slipping his tongue inside my mouth. We make out like horny teenagers for a couple of minutes, until I pull back. “Paige is waiting…”

“Okay.” William gives me one more quick peck. “Have fun.”

“I probably shouldn’t say the same.” I wink. “See you in a bit.”

* * *

Paige and I don’t return to the house for several hours. By the time we do, preparations are in full swing for the barbecue we’re having before heading down the beach to watch the fireworks. I help shuck corn, set out plates, and go out to buy extra ice. Anything to keep busy. To keep from being in the same room as Ryder. I feel too exposed to talk to him after my conversation with Paige. Admitting to someone else my feelings for Ryder are strong enough I’ve contemplated ending my engagement feels a lot different than thinking about it myself. Facing some of the truths she pointed out in response didn’t exactly help.

Dinner goes off seamlessly, everyone’s too busy eating smoked meat and drinking cold beer to spark any deep conversations. Or to notice how I keep the length of the table between me and Ryder. We finish eating, clean up, and then everyone prepares to depart for the fireworks.

I head down to the beach to let Scout run around before we leave. I toss the ball for him a few times, and then coax him back through the dunes. I’m almost to the stairs when I realize there’s someone sitting on the bottom step.

“You’re avoiding me,” Ryder states, standing and leaning against the railing.

“What? No, I’m not.”

“Yeah, you are. I thought we were good after this morning, but you’ve barely looked at me since breakfast or said a single word to me.

“Maybe my world doesn’t revolve around you, Ryder. My best friends and fiancé are here. Maybe I’m busy.”

“Did something happen? Did—”

“Nothing happened! Just drop it. I’ve got to go get ready to leave.”

I try to brush past him, but one hand on my arm stops any forward motion.

“Elle, come on. You never ignore me. Even when you’re pissed off.” Annoyance bubbles inside me. He’s right. Because I couldn’t get enough of his attention.

“Right.” I snort, then try to move past him again. He stops me. Again.

Annoyance turns to anger. “Move, Ryder!”

“I will. Just tell me what’s wrong.”

“I don’t need to tell you anything. Now let me go inside before everyone starts gossiping about us arguing again.”

“No one’s gossiping about us.”

I snort. “Not to you, maybe. I’m the one who’s going to have to dodge questions about it.”

“About what?”

“Us arguing. Paige likes to remind me of how much of a fool I make of myself. I’m sure Tommy, Mike, and everyone else who knew us back then are thinking the same.”

“The same?”

“It’s fine. Forget I said anything. It’s how we are, right? How we always were.”

Confusion flashes across Ryder’s face. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I was always the one chasing you. I was always the invested one. I mean, half the time in high school I wasn’t even sure if you wanted me around. It seemed like you were just indulging me. Humoring me.”

Anger flares on Ryder’s face, rather than the pity I was expecting.

“Are you kidding me, Elle?”

“Uh, no,” I reply, caught off guard. “I’m not upset about it anymore. I was just stating a fact—”

“You think I didn’t want you around? That I was humoring you?”

“Um, yes?”

“You don’t know anything, Elle.”

“You didn’t tell me anything, Ryder. Then or now. I’m not a fucking mind reader.”

He huffs out an annoyed sigh and drops his hand from my arm. I start up the stairs, and Scout races past me, bounding up to the door.

“Elle.”

I halt, half-way up the stairs.

“I wasn’t—I’ve never humored you. Okay?”

“Okay.”

I start climbing the steps again, and this time Ryder doesn’t say or do anything to stop me. When I enter the house with Scout everyone’s still racing about grabbing drinks, blankets, and bug spray. No one seems to have noticed my absence—or Ryder’s—which I’m hoping means my worries about sparking gossip were unfounded.

We set off as a group a few minutes later. There’s a public stretch of beach about a mile down from where Eliza’s family’s cottage is located that provides a perfect view of the town’s Fourth of July fireworks display. The sun set a while ago, but the blazing lights of the houses lining the shore illuminate our way, along with the flashlights we brought along for precisely this purpose.

I stay in the front of the group with Paige and William. Ryder entered the house a few minutes after I did but hasn’t made another attempt to talk to me. I’m grateful. Our last chat undid the shaky progress I’d made today in determining where things stand between us. It’s as though he has some sort of radar on how best to confuse things I thought were settled.

There’s a massive turn-out on the beach, and it takes us a while to pick our way through the crowd that’s already claimed patches of sand to claim our own. Finally, we find a spot, dropping the towels and drinks we brought and waiting for the show to start. It’s not a long wait.

Fireworks begin to explode minutes later, shooting colored lights upward into the inky black sky that drift back down in tendrils of smoke. The bright sparks explode over and over again in brilliant patterns reflected on the textured surface of the ocean below. Upbeat music blasts from speakers set along the beach, surrounding the exuberant crowd. I stare up at the dazzling display as I take sips of the alcohol we smuggled in, battling the bizarre urge to cry.

“I’ll be right back,” I whisper to William. “I have to use the bathroom.”

“You’re going to miss the rest of the show,” he replies.

I shrug. “I’ll be quick.”

I head for the long, low building situated along the back of the beach reserved for changing rooms and restrooms. Like always, there’s a substantial line for the women’s and none for the men’s. There’s a familiar face waiting at the end of the line, one I probably would have noticed was missing from our group if I’d allowed myself to look over at Ryder.

“Hi, Lily,” I say, giving her my best attempt at a warm smile.

“Hey, Eleanor.” She returns it, looking equally strained.

“Enjoying the fireworks?” I ask.

“Yeah. They’re beautiful. It’s a perfect night.”

“Yes, it is,” I agree.

Silence.

“You’re working at Washington and Stevens for the summer?”

Work. Common ground.

“Yes,” I confirm. “Just doing my part to help the rich get richer, you know?” The words are wry.

A confused look greets that comment. “Okay…”

“Ryder hasn’t shared any of his views on corporate law with you?”

“Uh, no.”

“You should ask him about it. I’m sure he’d love to discuss them with someone who shares his views.”

“Shares his views?”

“You work for a non-profit. You’re not helping corporations cover up their mistakes the way I am.”

“I’ve never gotten the impression Ryder has any opinion on my career,” Lily replies.

I snort. “Must be nice. He’s awfully judgmental when he wants to be.”

“Or when he cares,” Lily responds.

“Oh, no,” I rush to say. “That’s not what I was trying to say at all—”

“It’s fine, Eleanor,” Lily says. “I knew it was a long shot going into it. I read… I knew it was probably going to be like this. I saw you two at the gala, and I ignored it. This trip, well… you’re hard to compete with. Impossible, actually.”

“Oh.” It’s slowly occurring to me instigating a conversation with my ex-boyfriend’s current girlfriend about my ex-boyfriend’s thoughts on my choice of profession while moderately tipsy was perhaps not the greatest idea I’ve ever had. I’ve somehow tripped down a rabbit hole of having to reassure her about her relationship with Ryder.

“I don’t—it’s not—things aren’t like that between Ryder and me anymore.”

“They’re like that for him,” Lily insists, sounding awfully certain. “And I’m pretty sure they’re like that for you, too.”

I glance away from her knowing gaze.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

“He won’t even tell me what happened back then,” I admit. “If he cared about me at all, he’d at least give me that.”

“Maybe not telling you is his way of showing you he cares.”

I study her, suddenly aware Lily has had access to some information I haven’t had access to. “What does that mean?”

“We try to protect the people we love.”

“Yeah, well he never told me that either.” Yeah, I’m definitely on the cusp of being drunk. Pretty certain that’s the type of thing you don’t disclose to an ex’s current flame.

“Do you know why I called you?”

“You said I could help you find some information.” It’s a statement that comes out sounding like a question. Because isn’t that something she should know?

Lily looks to the line that hasn’t moved at all. “Yeah, well, I lied. There was no reason to contact you. Except for the fact I was curious.”

“Curious?” I echo.

“I’d just started at Until Proven Guiltywhen we got Ryder’s case. I only graduated law school a couple years ago. It’s not the same as working at a fancy firm, but you still want to prove yourself, you know?” I nod. “Anyway, there was this new case. The kind that keeps you up at night because there are pieces that just don’t make any sense. And not in the way where you feel like the right calls were made at the time.”

“Ryder’s case,” I whisper.

“Right,” Lily confirms. “I went to see him the day we got it. It was my first time going to a prison. Have you ever been?”

“Once.” I don’t disclose I never made it past the front desk.

“I passed all these sleazy drug dealers, and then there was this guy with a friendly smile who pulled my chair out for me at the table. I kept going back to visit him, and then I got invested in the case for a whole other reason. I’d start going over old notes in the evenings, trying to pick up on things everyone else might have missed. There was one particular transcript from that night. An interview with a girl named Danielle Collins. She wasn’t directly involved with anything that happened, so no one seemed to pay anything she said much attention. Probably because she swore up and down Ryder was innocent all along.”

“Okay…” I say when she pauses, still unclear on what she’s trying to tell me.

“I tracked Danielle Collins down. According to her, she knew he was innocent because Ryder James didn’t have any interest in a girl in Fernwood not named Elle Clarke. Your name wasn’t anywhere in the file we had, which seemed odd, since Danielle said you were dating Ryder.” It suddenly occurs to me my parents might have shipped me off for reasons besides stemming gossip. “Other interviews indicated he was interested in the victim, which fit better with the prosecutor’s narrative. So, I brought you up to him the next time I visited Pennfield.”

“I’m sure that went well,” I deadpan.

“Yeah. Great.” Lily catches the sarcasm. “He seemed more upset about the thought of you getting involved than losing his appeal. I was curious, so I called you. The way you reacted when I did… well it just made me even more so. But then the DNA evidence came through, the judge ordered his immediate release, and I tried to let it go.”

“DNA evidence?” I’m feeling sober now, that’s for sure.

“Yeah. There was some collected. It was never tested because Ryder pled guilty. The judge finally agreed we’d poked enough holes in the narrative to test it. When it didn’t match, he was released.”

“Did they compare anyone else’s?”

“There was just the one sample. There’s nothing left to test now.”

“Oh.” I wonder who had to make that decision.

“I haven’t been at Until Proven Guilty for very long, but I’ve worked on a lot of different cases. People who have gotten out after forty years and are totally lost in their lives. Who will never get out because the person swearing they were at home is a loved one with an investment in lying. There aren’t many happy endings or second chances at the end of the road.”

“Ryder wants a fresh start. I’m the furthest thing from that.”

Lily shrugs. “I’m a lawyer, not a therapist. You said Ryder doesn’t have feelings for you. I’m telling you he does.”

I chew my bottom lip. I’ve somehow fallen into an alternate reality where my best friend told me Ryder is a bad idea, and the girl he’s maybe dating at the moment is telling me to go for it.

Lily gives me a small smile that suggests she’s confident I’ll make the right decision. If I knew what that is, maybe I’d be just as certain. Unfortunately, I’m more confused than ever. I’m surrounded by nothing but big, important decisions and no easy choices.

And the longer I wait, the more will be made for me, rather than by me.