Camden by Shey Stahl
Winter is slipping away before we know it and now River is two months from her due date.
We haven’t picked a name; we argue about it daily. Also, Tiller still doesn’t know.
It’s two months from Erzberg, a race I’ve been training two years for. Now, I’m nervous.
Erzberg Rodeo is the toughest single-day enduro. It’s a glorified off-road race in the secluded hills of Eisenerz. This year it’s in May. That means I’d be leaving River alone with a brand-new baby. I don’t just have myself to think about any longer.
My fear comes down to safety. With the Erzberg Rodeo, no amount of training can prepare you for that race. In freestyle motocross, you push the edge and dying is a real possibility. With hare scrambles, you’re basically pushing your body to the limits and then, you know, throwing yourself at boulders the size of cars and speeding through a forest full of trees and ducking branches that can decapitate you and being forced into a ravine and tumbling up a steep muddy embankment.
So, safety? There is none!
Roan turned me onto it when I was younger and ever since then I’ve loved the technical, grueling shit that makes you slow down and calculate your every move.
Including dying, and not dying.
“What’s wrong?” Roan asks as we eat lunch together at some hole-in-the-wall Mexican place in south LA. We’d been out riding in the desert all day and are finally back among the living. And hungry. I still haven’t checked in with River yet tonight, but something about sitting here with Roan reminds me of what this year is going to look like.
I’m about to be a dad. I don’t want to leave him, or River. But Roan, he knows all about this shit. I squeeze the lime in my hand over my tacos. “I can’t get hurt and leave her alone in this.”
Roan blinks rapidly. “It’s yours, isn’t it?”
I nod, because I can’t keep this from him. Not any longer.
“This is some shit huh?”
He laughs, his eyes tender though. “You have no idea.”
“What am I going to do?”
“We got obligations now, bud.”
“I know.”
If there’s anyone’s opinion I trust, it’s Roan’s. He’s always looked out for me. “What would you do?”
“Race, because there’s not a lot of ways out of this one. Unless of course Tiller finds out and you’re dead.”
I hang my head. “He’s going to kill me.”
“Do you want to know why we let you come over when you were younger?”
I raise my head and stare at him. “Because I kept coming over?”
“No, though that’s part of it.” His eyes drift to the waitress when she hands him another beer. When she’s gone, he leans in, his elbows on the table. “You had an innocence about you that we didn’t have. We lost it early on and I think all of us saw you and thought, that’s what childhood should look like.”
I take in his words. I think about them. “That still doesn’t explain Tiller.”
Roan throws his head back as laughter shakes through him. “Nothing explains Tiller.”
I pick at the rest of my taco, my hunger slipping away with reality. I have to tell him. “How do I tell him?”
“I… don’t know. With River, she’s Tiller’s firstborn. The one that changed life for him. Lennox is mine and that firstborn, as you’ll find out soon enough, changes your view on life, love, all of it. You’ll always have a spot for him that nothing touches.” Drawing in a breath, our eyes meet. “I don’t even know how’d you start the conversation, but you need to tell him.”
I laugh. “You’re a lot of help.”
He leans in closer. “Let me ask you something.” He waits and I nod. “How long has it been going on?”
My heart thuds in my ears. “A while.”
His lips lift into a smirk. “And he hasn’t found out yet? I gotta give ya credit, Cam-Man. Not a lot of people can keep a secret from Tiller.”
I snort. “That’s not something to be proud of.” I think back to when I was younger and the fights at the mansion centered around Tiller and Roan, because of Ophelia. It was an everyday occurrence. “How’d you tell Carl about you and Ophelia?”
Fifteen years ago, Roan started something with his bodyguard’s only daughter. I’ve told you about this, but I wasn’t there the night it was broke to Carl. By Roan, in an act of frustration. “I ratted out Tiller first and then confessed.”
“What if Lennox falls for someone you know?”
“Then he better treat her good. That’s all that matters to me. And I know you, bud.” His eyes narrow in on mine as he scratches the side of his jaw. “You treat River good.”
I do. There’s no question about that. She’s the reason I’m questioning racing for the first time in my life. Pushing the plate away from me, I watch the fading sun in the distance over Roan’s shoulder. “He’s going to kill me.”
He laughs again. “Oh, for sure.”
“You’re a lot of help.”
“Just remember, kid. His bark is louder than his bite.”
Groaning, I stand up from the table and pocket my cell phone. “Bullshit.”
Roan tosses money on the table for our bill and I do the same. “You’re right, it’s worse.”
