How It Was by T. S. Joyce

Chapter Thirteen

 

She needed to move the purple flower filled hanging baskets Nuke had bought her from the other trailer to Nuke’s. They would look pretty on his new deck.

Trina smiled to herself as she backed out of the grassy clearing and turned toward the dirt road that would lead her down the mountain and to the main road. She hoped. Honestly, she got lost easily in general, so she was nervous about taking the wrong dirt road out of here. She needed to figure it out at some point though.

Nuke’s hands on her last night. God, had anything felt so right, or so good, or so powerful? Never in her lifetime. He was magic against her.

Trina’s nipples perked up and her skin tingled just thinking about last night with him.

With a vacant smile stretching her face, she coasted down the winding dirt road. Maybe she would stop and get Nuke a present while she was in town. Crows liked doing that stuff. He was a dragon, so he wouldn’t understand what it meant if he accepted it, but she would, privately. It would be her sneaky way of telling him how much she liked him.

She really, really liked him.

The nose of her car aimed for a curve in the bend, and she slowed at a fork in the road. Nuke stood in the middle of the one to the very right, his head canted as he looked through the windshield at her. As the startlement faded away, she grinned and waved. He was here to lead her out, like he’d guided her the first day she’d come here. Good man.

He didn’t wave back though, and as he sauntered toward her, she rolled down her window to talk to him. “Hey there, handsome boy, what’s wrong?”

His eyes were dark and hard, and he reached for something in his back pocket. “You forgot your phone.” His voice was empty. Almost cold. He held it up to her face and she could see the top text from Manning. The facial recognition clicked in before she could register what was going on, and Nuke gave her his back, walking away as he opened the newly unlocked text thread.

“Nuke!” she screamed, panicking. “No!” She shoved the door open and bolted for him, but Nuke disappeared just as she reached him. Just…left a black cloud of smoke behind him and then vanished.

Frantic, Trina scanned the woods but the smog was thick. “Nuke? Nuke! It’s not what it looks like.” The smoke he’d left behind was slow to dissipate, and it lowered to the ground and hovered in the woods like a thick fog.

She ran a few steps into the woods, searching…searching. “Nuke! It’s not what it looks like!” Her repeated plea echoed through the mountains and bounced back to her ears.

“What does it look like?” he asked, his monotone voice pitching around the woods, echoing, hitting her from different directions.

“I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. Just…” She shook her head. Think! “Just let me explain.”

“What is Nuke’s real name, and what trailer is he living in? And I want to know everything about Amos, and Divar when he arrives. I need you to spend more time with Ren. Maybe have one of your girl’s nights, and do your girl-talk shit. It doesn’t make any sense that the Crew is still so small. Where are the others? When will they be there?” When will they be there? When will they be there? His voice echoed around and around, filling her mind.

“I didn’t tell him about you. I never said your name. Scroll up! Fuck. Wait, no! I don’t want you to read any of this.”

The phone landed at her feet, and with a gasp, she looked up into the tree branches where it was thrown from. Nuke crouched there, midway up the tree, looking like a predator, his hair hanging in his face, his black eyes filled with rage and something more. Pain?

“There’s someone else here doing this—”

“So it’s not you feeding information to our enemies? This is Manning…right? This is your mate?”

“He’s not my mate!” Tears stung her eyes. “Please, just let me tell you—”

Whoosh. Nuke landed right in front of her so fast, the wind from his movement knocked her back a step. “Save it,” he snarled. “You know what’s worse than betraying me?” He jutted his chin up toward the trailer park. “You betrayed people who are salvageable. In a place they’ve sought sanctuary.” His teeth clenched hard, and the air grew heavy with his rage. “You stole their safety.”

“You don’t understand. My…my…” Say it! Say your sister’s name! But what good was an excuse to a man like Nuke, who had been hurt and lost his entire family to outside forces who wanted them dead? Trina closed her eyes and tears fell to her cheeks. What was the point of telling him she was trading her sister for all of them? He was right. She’d stolen their safety. Telling him about Tory wouldn’t make anything better. She was awful either way.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, forcing the apology past her tightening vocal cords.

“Apologies mean nothing from a liar,” he gritted out.

Her face crumpled as she hung her head. “I didn’t want any of this.”

“Yeah, you did. You can go now.”

Shocked, she jerked her gaze up to him. “You aren’t going to call Krome?”

There was something so deep in his eyes, it gutted her. Sadness, and worse than that. Disappointment. She’d disappointed him and nothing had ever felt worse.

“Go destroy someone else’s trust,” he murmured low. “Just leave us alone. And you can tell Manning I’ll see him real soon.” He backed up a couple steps. “Get your shit out of my trailer and leave.”

“Nuke, I’m sorry.”

“Not forgiven.” He clenched his fists and looked out at the woods, then cast his glance back to her. His eyes were rimmed with moisture. “You’re just like everyone else. I told you I needed to protect them and you were spying on me. Spying on them. Just…fucking go.” His voice cracked on the last word. He hesitated there another second and then disappeared, and the black smoke was back. It was even thicker than before, and took a while for her to be able to see anything. She broke down. That’s what ya did when you were in a hole so deep you couldn’t see any light. You broke down. Breakdowns happened right before the moment you pulled up your big-girl boots, looked skyward again, and tried something new. But when you were in the breakdown? When you were in the dark place? It was hard to see any light. These mountains, and this Crew, and this man felt colossal in some way she couldn’t understand yet. Their loss felt too big for one heart to bear. For the few minutes she’d been able to take her mind off Tory, she’d been happy. It was, perhaps, the only moment in her life she’d truly realized happiness.

She’d understood it, right? Feeling safe, and laughing with abandon, and feeling playful again, and getting butterflies, and being comfortable with another person. Happiness had existed for one blinding minute and now there was nothing but fog. Empty, hollow, echoing fog that didn’t just fill her outside world. It filled her insides too.

This was on her. It was her fault. No one could be blamed but her.

Nuke was right to hate her. She hated herself, too.

She cried herself out at the bottom of that hole she’d dug herself, her knees curled to her chest, face on her forearms. She cried until there was no more moisture in her eyes, and then something happened.

Her phone vibrated beside her.

That sound changed everything. When she looked at the screen, it was Manning again, and the text read, Bitch, answer me.

And something in her soul snapped. Inside of her, the horse dragged a hoof through the dirt and blew breath. Her skin itched to change, and thoughts of Tory swirled in her head.

Manning had taken so much from her.

Tory, Nuke, the Crew…

He’d taken too much. Now it was too much. The loss made the animal bigger, and the winged horse was the bravest part of her. The unfairness made the animal angrier and louder inside of Trina. It made her want to punish Manning instead of obeying him.

She didn’t feel like crying anymore. It was a sudden thing. She felt reckless. She wanted to put a stop to the bleeding in her life. Manning was the blade that had been keeping her open.

She wiped her damp cheeks with the back of her hand and sniffed, then reached for the phone and typed, I’m coming home. I’ll tell you everything.

It was a lie. She wouldn’t tell him anything. The animal was begging to get out. Not yet. Not quite yet. She was one, and Manning had been rebuilding his Murder after the war with this Crew. He had numbers, and she wouldn’t make it out of this alive. She couldn’t. But Tory would. She was going to make sure of it.

What use was her life if she just had to hurt people at the will of another? Nuke’s disappointed face flashed through her mind, and the horse reared inside of her. She didn’t want to be a pawn anymore. She didn’t want to do this anymore. Any of it.

She didn’t know how she would do it, but she was going to trade Tory’s life for hers. She could go easier if she knew her sister was okay.

No more breakdown. She was going to try something new now.

Good. See you soon, Manning responded.

Numbly, she got into her car, turned it around and made her way back to the trailer she knew Nuke wouldn’t be in. He’d already left her. Amos said hi and waved to her from his porch, but she ignored him. She was a rat. She was a spy. Trina pushed open the door, but something caught her attention. It was Tommy. He was leaning against a tree on the edge of the clearing, just watching her. His too-bright eyes were narrowed.

Chills rippled up her spine as something on the edge of her memory tickled at her brain.

Time and time again, Tommy’s face filled her mind as she shoved her clothes into her suitcase. She just wanted to get out of here.

It wasn’t until she looked at her phone to check the time that it clicked. She looked at Manning’s last messages just to make sure she hadn’t imagined it.

She didn’t know for sure, but her instincts were roaring.

Before she could change her mind, she made her way to the kitchen counter, flipped over an old receipt for the deck wood, and scribbled a note to Nuke.

 

Tarek,

I can’t leave without telling you something. I think there’s a wolf among your sheep here. I never said your name to Manning. I hid you. You have no reason to believe me now, but I have no reason to lie. I’m already gone, and I won’t be back. It’s gonna hurt leaving you and this place behind. I heard you. You’ll never forgive me and I don’t blame you.

I never said your name to Manning, so how did he know it? I never said we had trailers here either. How did he know? Today, he asked me about you, and Amos, and Divar. He didn’t mention Tommy. Why didn’t he want to know about him? He knows Tommy is here. Do what you want with that information, just…stay safe. If you exist, it makes the world a little better.

I wish I could tell you everything, but it won’t make a difference.

Just so you know? I really like you. None of that was pretend. I wanted to get you a token when I was in town. It wouldn’t mean much to you, but for me, a token is big. I’m stuck in a cage I can’t explain, and you were this beautiful thing right outside the bars. Thank you for making me happy for a while.

Trinadel

 

Her heart felt like it was on fire as she signed her name, so she forced herself one last look at his trailer, one last memory of this sanctuary, and then she grabbed the duffel bag and made her way outside.

She couldn’t look back anymore. An enormous job lay ahead of her, and she could only look forward.

She was going to fix this on her own, even if it cost her everything.