The Sinner by Emma Scott

Twenty

The heavy clouds that had been building on Saturday broke into a steady rain that didn’t let up all day Sunday. The weather app said a huge storm was coming and would last until Tuesday night. Casziel’s last day on This Side.

My thoughts tried to turn to him, but I kept steering them away and spent the dreary afternoon prepping for my presentation. Going through the motions like a robot. Rain battered the window—now closed.

Because it had all been a lie.

My phone rang with Cole Matheson’s number. I ignored it. My BFF tried again and then a text popped up with a thumbnail of his latest sketch—me, looking radiantly happy and surprised about it. Shocked I could actually feel that way.

This is your heart on Cas. Any questions?

My heart clenched with actual physical pain.

Another text followed. OK that was cheesy, even for me, but you’re beautiful, Lucy. I hope the wedding was everything it was supposed to be. Call when you get a chance.

A great sob welled up in me, but I pushed it down. If I started crying now…

I tossed my phone aside and noticed that Edgar, my houseplant, was dead. All the water he needed was pouring down the panes of glass outside the window.

“I’m sorry, Edgar,” I murmured, touching his dried leaves. “I’m so sorry. I got so wrapped up in…”

My words trailed. I didn’t know how to describe the last nine days. A nightmare? A fever dream? Or maybe the entire thing was a hallucination. Maybe I had a brain aneurism. Maybe I was lying in a hospital bed in a coma on the brink of death.

Dad’s voice sounded gently in my head. You’re alive, kiddo. You’re here. You’re strong and you’re not done yet.

I wished I believed him. I wished I believed it was my dad. That he was still with me, just in the next room.But maybe that had been a lie too.

The next morning, I dressed for work and packed my presentation materials in an old briefcase Dad had given me when I went to college. “To hold all my big ideas.” It’d sat empty in the closet for years.

Now, I put in my notebooks and my laptop loaded up with a very plain Google Slides presentation of my shoe idea. I didn’t know why I was still going through with it. I guessed I had a shred of dignity left because the idea of lying around all day, feeling sorry for myself, was nauseating. Then again, everything in my tiny, empty, simple little apartment made me sick. The rows of romance novels were pages and pages of lies. There were no happy endings in real life. Real life was brutal and full of cruel jokes.

Like the fact Guy had finally noticed me and wanted to take me with him to Sri Lanka.

I searched my entire soul and found no feelings for him. I’d been waiting for real, true love my entire life. Probably longer. And now I had a chance, and I couldn’t bring myself to care.

“Fake it ‘til you make it,” I muttered on the subway.

If Guy wanted to take me out of my silly little life, I’d let him. There was nothing for me here. And while I knew I’d never feel anything real for him, he was better than more loneliness. More solitude.

You don’t have nothing, pumpkin,Dad insisted. You have you.

And what was I? I had no clue. But I could give this presentation and clean plastic off a beach and maybe do some good in the world.

At Ocean Alliance, I headed straight for Guy’s office.

“Hey, Luce, what’s up?” he asked. Maybe it was my imagination, but his smile felt forced, and he had a hard time looking at me.

“Um, well we have a lot of details to work out for Sri Lanka. Don’t we?”

“Sri Lanka?”

“Yeah. What we talked about on Saturday. At the wedding.”

He cocked his head, his face scrunched up. “What did we talk about?”

I tensed all over. “You don’t remember.”

“Oh shit. Did I get drunk and say something inappropriate?” He frowned. “Funny, I don’t remember drinking at all. Sorry, Luce, what did I say?”

Either he was the greatest actor in the world, or his confusion was genuine. My stomach twisted and I recalled the strange smell and the breath mints, the weird emptiness in his eyes…

“Oh my God…”

“Shit, Luce, I’m really sorry. I don’t know what happened but if I gave you the wrong idea—”

“You didn’t,” I said quickly. “We were talking about logistics. That’s all.”

“Really?”

I managed a smile while inwardly, I felt like puking. “Yep, really. You asked me if I’d help calculate supply arrival times and I said yes.”

“Oh.” Guy blew out a laugh. “Well…great! That’s such a relief. I’d hate to think I might’ve been a dick.”

No, you were just possessed.

The ramifications slid deeper. There was no Sri Lanka. No happily ever after for me, pretend or otherwise.

“But you still look a little shell-shocked.” Guy’s smile softened into something like pity. “Does this have something to do with Abby’s video?”

“What video?”

“Listen, Luce. I think it’s sweet, and I’m flattered. But I have a strict no-dating-coworkers policy. Keeps me out of trouble—”

“What video?”

“It’s nothing. She’s been playing matchmaker between us, I think. Silly, really.”

“Silly.” A heavy ball of something ugly settled in my stomach. “I don’t understand. Is it your song from karaoke night?”

Guy’s confused expression returned, and my stomach clenched all over again.

He has no idea what I’m talking about.

“I don’t remember singing that night.” He chuckled. “Good thing too. No one wants to hear that.” He cleared his throat and shuffled through a small mountain of papers on his desk, missing my incredulous stare. “Sorry, Luce, I have a million things to do before my trip. Was there anything else you needed?”

“Not a thing.”

“Good luck on your presentation,” he called as I backed away. “Can’t wait to hear it.”

I exited his office to see clusters of my coworkers bent over phones or gathered around laptops, snickering and murmuring. They stopped when they saw me, identical guilty expressions on their faces.

I stormed up to where Dale was huddled with Hannah from fundraising, my hand out. “Give it to me.”

“Oh, uh, Luce, it’s nothing,” Dale said, exchanging glances with Hannah.

“You don’t need to see it.” Jana strode up, shooting daggers at the others. “Come on, Luce. Let’s talk about your presentation. I have good news—”

My outstretched hand didn’t waver. “Show me.”

Dale looked sheepishly at Jana, then handed over his phone. Abby had posted a video to TikTok—a montage of me over the last few months gawking at Guy in the office, staring like a puppy dog when he walked by, gazing up at him while he spoke in a meeting. A documentary of my pathetic crush, set to a song called “Notice Me.”

My skin felt hot and too tight.

“Luce.” Jana’s voice sounded far away. “Forget it. The presentation…”

The presentation. Right. I had to stand up in front of all these people and talk about shoes.

No way.

I rushed to my desk to gather my things. Permanently. I’d get another job. Somewhere no one knew me. I’d sit in the corner and mind my own business and not talk to anyone. Because this last week had made it abundantly clear what happens when you put yourself out there. Humiliation and pain. My “demons” were right all along. Silly Lucy had ventured out of her silly little life and had been slapped for it. Hard.

In minutes, I’d thrown all my belongings into my bag—there wasn’t much. Jana hadn’t followed me. She was probably in the conference room waiting for me along with everyone else. She could run the shoe project without me.

I shouldered my bag to go when my eye caught the single red rose Casziel had given me in its water bottle. It was brown and wilted, having dropped all its petals. But for one. One petal remained, and it was as red and vibrant as it had been a week ago.

There’s still time.

Time for what? I’d lost everything. I thought I’d touched on something real with Cas, some deep truth about us—about me—and it’d all been a lie. His redemption and our big plan to make Guy fall for me? More lies. Every deepest wish of my heart had been exposed and burned to ash.

Tears flooded my eyes, and I sank into my chair, staring at the rose.

Hey pumpkin. Dad’s voice was as clear in my mind as if he were sitting right next to me. I even thought I caught a whiff of pipe smoke. Don’t give up. It’s not too late.

“Yes, it is, Daddy,” I whispered, the rose blurring in my vision. “I can’t…”

Yes, you can. You’ve never given up, not in thousands of years. You’re strong. Fierce. You’ve just forgotten for a little while.

The truth of it seeped into the broken cracks of me. I’d done more and seen more and felt more in one week than I had in my entire life.

I danced with the devil in the pale moonlight.

I stood straighter, shoulders squared. My personal life might’ve been reduced to a barren wasteland, but I was still standing. There was no one beside me, holding my hand. No all-consuming love, but I still had me. In that moment, it wasn’t much, but I still had work to do. The oceans weren’t going to magically rid themselves of the nearly ten million metric tons of plastic dumped into them every year.

I tossed my bag on the chair and grabbed my briefcase. The jumble of nerves in my stomach didn’t vanish—they tightened until I was nauseated at the idea of standing in front of the group, my humiliation still fresh in their minds.

But I felt Dad’s proud smile as I made my way to the conference room, clutching that briefcase handle in my sweaty hands. His voice in my mind—and heart—was so much louder than the demons that clamored I was making a huge mistake.

Thatta girl, pumpkin. I knew you could do it.

The water hit my face, and I held my cupped hands to my cheeks, the bracing coldness the best thing I’d ever felt. I looked up from the bathroom sink, and the woman staring back at me in the mirror wore a smile. They’d loved it. Kimberly had insisted on being patched in from Cancún and began giving orders to put my plan in motion. Jana, who’d been blinking back proud tears, announced that Kai Solomon had agreed to sponsor the shoe when it was ready. Guy was impressed, but I could tell he was already halfway out the door without me.

But maybe that’s how it was supposed to be. No Guy or Casziel. There were worse tragedies than not having a man, including the one in Sri Lanka.

That’s right, Deber sneered. Silly Lucy, back to her silly life. Alone. And that’s how you’ll stay. Because no one wants you. No one.

I ignored the insinuations that were so tired and old, like faded wallpaper, then jumped as a bathroom stall opened. I half-expected the demons to shuffle out but it was Abby. She had toilet paper pressed to her eyes and stopped when she saw me.

“Oh, hey, Luce.”

“Hi,” I said flatly as she joined me at the sinks.

Her eyes were smudged with mascara and brimming with tears. “Lucy, I—”

“I don’t want to hear it.”

Don’t be bitter, pumpkin,Dad said. It’s not your style.

I snorted. “Maybe it should be.”

“Huh?” Abby shook her head. “Listen, I need to tell you something. Lucy…I’m a bad person.”

I crossed my arms. “Okay.”

“I know, shocker, right? I don’t know why I do half the things I do. Do you know why I was so eager to help you with Guy? Because I don’t want him. He’s wholesome and good and we don’t vibe at all. But me and Cas? He’s got a darkness that I totally vibe with. Getting you with Guy was literally just so I could have Cas to myself. But he’s not interested in me and—wow—did he makethat crystal clear at the wedding. I felt so invisible. Humiliated. So I humiliated you with that stupid video. As if all my shit is your fault, and I’m sorry, Lucy. I really am.”

I uncrossed my arms. “So, you and Cas…?”

She snorted. “What me and Cas? He never gave me the time of day, despite my best efforts.”

“You never slept with him.”

Abby gave me an incredulous look in the mirror. “I wish. He wouldn’t even kiss me. I mean…how humiliating is it when even an escort won’t touch you? That’s his job.”

I almost laughed. Abby’s insistence that Casziel had only been with me because I paid him was still insulting, but the fact he never touched her was like a burst of hope that tried to crack the brittle shell around me.

Abby started to cry again. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I get these urges to do terrible things like make videos, and I give in. Like it’s a thrill to see the number of likes and all the nasty comments, and then I just feel like crap afterward. Why do I do stuff like that?”

Because you have a Deber and Keeb too.

“We all do,” I said. “We all have little voices in our heads that tell us bad stuff is a good idea. I used to think there was something wrong with me. Like my own brain had become a bully and turned against me. But those voices are not the real you and they have no actual control. You have the power to ignore them until they just become noise.” I smiled. “I’m not saying it’s easy but maybe if we ignore them long enough, they’ll disappear altogether.”

“That would be really nice,” Abby said and sniffed. “God, you are being so nice to me when I don’t deserve it. Because you’re a good person.” She huffed a shaky breath. “I’m quitting Ocean Alliance.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Yeah, I do. I only signed on because my parents have more money than God and threatened to cut me off if I didn’t contribute to the world in some meaningful way. Working here fit the bill but it’s not my style and—clearly—I have too much time on my hands.”

“What are you going to do?”

She wiped mascara from under her eyes. “I’m going to do something I want to do. I’ll get my own place and pay my own rent. Get a roommate and struggle for a little while. But who cares? Lucy, I don’t expect you to forgive me, and you definitely don’t need to take advice from me but don’t let my stupid video mess things up for you and Guy. God, I hope it didn’t. Because you deserve to be happy.”

I managed a tight smile. “It didn’t mess anything up, I promise.”

She threw her arms around me in a short hug. “Thanks, Luce. And I think your shoe idea is really good. It’s going to make a real impact.”

I waited a few more minutes after she was gone, then headed out. Coworkers congratulated me, and Jana—on the phone at her desk—waved at me like she wanted to talk but I couldn’t stay in the office another second. Tomorrow, I’d return and get back to work, but I was going to take the rest of the afternoon off.

Outside, I hunched against the rain—the storm had arrived in full force. In all my turmoil over Casziel, I’d forgotten a raincoat, and my dress and cardigan were soaked instantly. I should’ve called an Uber, but my thoughts were scattered, my chest feeling hollow and carved out. They say what does not kill you makes you stronger, but I just felt numb.

Go back to your little life…

Deber was relentless, but even out there on the deserted streets, soaked to the bone, I knew there was no going back to my little life. I wasn’t the same person I was ten days ago. I didn’t know who I was. Lost in a kind of purgatory with no idea what lay ahead. The pride of giving my presentation had already drained out and all I wanted was to get to my place, take a hot shower, and dive into a romance novel. Because I enjoyed reading them.

There didn’t need to be any other reason.

My head full of these thoughts, I stepped off the curb.

Too late, I saw the splash of headlights against the rain-washed street.

Too late, I heard the horn and the screech of tires that weren’t going to catch in time on the slick pavement.

I exhaled my last breath. “Casziel…”

A heavy weight crashed into me, tackling me from the side, and I was flying. I felt the wind of the truck at my ankles while staring into black eyes. Strong arms—and wings—were wrapped around me. Cas twisted midair and hit the ground on his back, cradling me and taking the brunt of the hit. He rolled so my back was on the asphalt, and his immense body was shielding me from the rain. From the world.

I stared into his face—bloodless white with black pits for eyes. The cold dread emanating from them was defeated by the love in my heart that swelled until I thought it would burst.

Because he’s mine and I’m his. Always.

I traced the line of his jaw, the rainwater running in rivulets down the sharp contours of his cheekbones, off his full lips.

“Li’ili,” he said, his voice gruff.

I cupped his face in both hands. I was staring too long; his eyes were drawing me down, but I couldn’t look away. Not yet.

“Say it,” I whispered just as the dark consumed me.

“My wife…”