Boys Like You by Jaye Pratt
As I sit in my therapist’s office and wait for my appointment, I start tapping my leg. Maximus decided to hang out with me today, since the others all had either family things to take care of or work. Tonight, we’re all going bowling where Rocky works part time. I don’t even know how he has the time.
Maximus places a hand on my leg to stop the tapping. He holds out an ear bud, and I place it in my ear. He skips the song to one by Post Malone, because he knows I like his songs. I don’t understand why girls are not throwing themselves at Maximus; he’s adorable with his big puppy dog eyes and thick lashes behind his big black-rimmed glasses. His curly hair is just long enough it falls across his glasses at times and he has to flick the hair from his face. His smile lights up his entire face when a song he loves comes on. Sometimes I forget he doesn’t actually talk; we speak more through actions and songs.
“JD,” a young woman says when she opens a door in the hall right next to where we are seated.
“We will be right here when your appointment is over,” Beth assures me. I give Maximus the ear bud back. His fingers linger above my hand longer than needed. I smile and take a deep breath before I spin towards the lady. I can do this. It’s only one hour and everything will be fine. She will tell me I’m not crazy.
Her office reminds me of Rory’s house; everything is white except the few fake plants she has placed in the corner of the room.
“Take a seat,” she says, pointing to a recliner. She sits in one identical. The table between us is small and round, and she places her notepad and pen on it before looking up at me. “My name is Lena. I have read your file, and I also spoke with your doctor. I want to go over your memory loss and how you feel about that, and we will cover things to expect.” She keeps talking and talking. I tune out for a minute. “Okay, now the boring stuff is out of the way, how about you tell me about you since you have woken up.”
I pull my legs up and put them under the jumper I borrowed from Maximus. “I don’t know how to answer that,” I say honestly.
“What have you been doing? Feeling? Anything really. I want to get a sense of where your head is at.” She picks up her pen and paper, placing them on her lap. Her blonde hair is short and frames her face. She wears a pants suit minus the jacket, and her white blouse shows enough cleavage to be classy and not trashy. She seems really young for a therapist and I wonder if she was chosen for that reason; to put me at ease.
“I woke up with no memory, as you know. There were five guys in my room. I was confused but more at why I didn’t freak out. That would have been a normal reaction, but I felt strangely calm.” Starting to feel anxious, I pick at my cuticles. Mr Cole is going to flip when he gets a look at the damage I’m doing.
Lena doesn’t push me to talk, she just sits and waits for me to continue.
“When I had my first anxiety attack, Mercer calmed me down just by holding my hand and speaking to me. They’re all so sweet. They seem to have this knack for knowing when I’m anxious. I don’t know if that’s why, but I feel strange when they’re not around.”
“Do you think you have attached yourself to them because they saved you?” she asks.
“Wouldn’t someone who has been through trauma bad enough to cause them to forget who they are actually have the opposite effect? Because a few people I have met have made me uncomfortable. I feel panic set in.”
“Every case is different. I’ve heard of people with the same dissociative amnesia who have moved, gotten new jobs and started a new life and one day they remember their old self and forget why they are where they are.”
“So what you’re saying is, I could forget the guys?”
Her eyes go wide. “This is a case by case basis. Let’s take it one step at a time.” I nod. “How are your injuries healing?” she asks, changing the subject when she notices my agitation.
“Really good. I’m still a little swollen in my face, not that you can tell. Mr Cole - Mercer's dad showed me how to conceal them. He also gave me a makeover.”
“What made you want to get a makeover.”
“When I woke up and saw my reflection I felt like a fake, the girl staring back at me, wasn’t me. How stupid does that sound, I have no idea who that girl is.”
“And how do you feel now?”
“I feel happy and free, well besides the nightmares, when I have those I feel trapped.”
“What happens in the nightmares?” she asks; my palms get sweaty just thinking about it.
“I can’t ever remember what they are about, just the feeling I get when I wake up. When I try to think about it everything is like a black cloud covering my memories.”
“Do you think it’s your mind's way of trying to make you remember what happened to you?”
“I don’t want to remember,” I say as the tears begin to flow. “If the feeling I get in my stomach is any indication of what happened to me, it can’t be good.”
“I can understand that. I can’t imagine how it makes you feel.”
“That few seconds after I wake up but my body isn’t fully awake I’m paralysed with fear, and once my brain and body catch up , I struggle to shake the feeling of anxiety afterwards.”
“Studies have shown that if you try to bury the feelings they can make you more anxious, I would suggest that you start a journal and write down how you feel.”
“If I write down my feelings they would all be the same, fear. I don’t want to remember who I am, whatever my brain is hiding from me isn’t good and I have no intentions of confronting that fear. I’m scared.”
I look down and want this to be over. I want to see Maximus smile, I want to feel happy and loved. Not scared that I will be taken away, back to whatever hell was my reality before being here.
“I saw a very cute boy outside. Is he one of the guys that found you?” Way to change the subject, but my hands are still shaky from the last topic and I’m still on edge.
I straighten up in my chair. “That’s Maximus. He was the first one who found me, actually.” She studies my reaction but I can’t help the smile plastered on my face when she asks about him. Just thinking about him starts to ease my anxiety.
“And what is he like?” she asks and I look up at her again.
“He is cute, and even though he doesn’t talk to me yet, he has a way of communicating, through music or with a smile. He’ll text me in our group chat, though. The guys told me that he has to trust you to say anything. Most of them had traumatic childhoods.” She scribbles something on her paper. “What are you writing?” I ask, looking at her notepad, defensive that she is writing something bad about them. She is here to psychoanalyze me, not the guys.
“I make note of things I need to remember, and them having traumatic backgrounds is something I need to know in case it hinders your progress.”
“Hinders my progress? How could five amazing, sweet guys hinder me in any way when all they do is help me?” I straighten in my chair.
“I’m not saying they will at all, JD, it’s just notes.”
“No, I want to know,” I demand. Again anger seeps in and has me wondering if that is a trait I displayed before I lost my memory.
“Sometimes when someone has been through a trauma and has needed to be saved, they can assume what is called a hero complex.”
“Look, if anyone is hindering anyone, it’s me hindering them, not the other way around.”
She looks over at me and puts her pen down again. “How so?”
“What if they get attached to me and I remember who I am or someone says I’m their child, and I’m taken back to my life? What happens then?”
She thinks for a second, clearly not trying to upset me this time. “I can’t tell you what will happen. You’ll carry on. With smartphones and FaceTime, there’s always a way to keep in touch.”
“I hope I don’t remember. I wish I could start fresh.”
“What if you have a family that’s worried about you?” she asks.
“What if my family hurt me? Do I really want to remember and find out?”
Seeing my agitation, she changes the subject and we go over some coping mechanisms for when I have anxiety attacks, but I can’t stop thinking about her insinuating I’m playing the victim and the guys have a hero complex. Is that why Levi is so concerned about them? I know they’re all in therapy too.
Breathing becomes harder, more panicked. What if their therapists are saying being around me is bad for them? How will I get through a day without them? Oh god, I am latching onto them like a leech.
“Are you okay?” Lena asks.
No, I’m not okay. I feel faint, and my chest feels like it’s closing in on me.
“I need to get some fresh air.” I don’t even say goodbye, I just run from the room. Maximus stands and so does Beth, but I walk past them and out into the street.
I can’t breathe. What if they leave me? Levi is afraid I will leave them but what if it’s the other way around?
I lean against the building, trying to implement the breathing techniques Lena just ran me through, but they don’t seem to be working. My breathing becomes rapid. Maximus stands next to me, holding out an ear bud. My hands are shaky, but I manage to get it in my ear. I was expecting the same playlist, but this time it’s someone different. I keep breathing through the song as the crooner’s voice seduces me. The panic starts to fade and I open my eyes. Maximus is squatting in front of me, and I’m sitting even though I don’t remember doing so. He looks at me with concerned eyes, and I give him a tight smile.
“Who is this?” I ask, pointing to my ear. He holds out the phone so I can see. Michael Bublé.
“Can you add this to my playlist later? His voice is magical, it’s like it healed me from the inside out. You’re awesome, Maximus, do you know that?” He shakes his head no and looks down at his feet.
“Hey, don’t be shy around me. I won’t ever intentionally embarrass you. If it wasn’t for you, I could be dead. You’re my saviour, my super hero.”
He looks up at me and smiles. “Now let’s go tell Beth I’m fine.” He stands, helping me up. We lock eyes, I step forward and kiss him on the cheek. He blushes again.
After we found Beth waiting by her car, I apologised for running out, then she dropped Maximus and I off at her house so she could go pick up the kids.
Maximus is drawing or writing in his book, but every time I try to sneak a look he closes it. There’s some superhero movie on in the background.
I think I freaked him out today and just want to give him some space to collect himself before Mercer gets here to pick us up to go bowling.
Pulling out my phone, I text Levi, asking him to talk. I need to know if what Lena says is true, and he is the one who will truthfully tell me.
Me: Are you busy tonight?
He texts back immediately.
Levi: I thought we decided on bowling?
Me: I mean after
Levi: Why?
Me: We need to talk
Levi: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: You don’t even like me, so no need for a break up.
Levi: I never said I didn’t like you
Me: You didn’t have to. Can we talk in person to clear everything up? I need to ask you something
Levi: Sure, I will give you a lift home and we can talk.
Me: Thank you
Levi: : )
Maximus and I finish the movie before I decide to get changed. What does someone wear bowling? I rummage through the clothes Beth saved over the years until I find a black pair of jeans with a rip in the knees, a Rolling Stones t-shirt and a leather jacket.
While I’m in the bathroom, I fluff my hair a bit to give it some extra volume and add some black eye liner, just as Mr Cole showed me. Maybe makeup is something I was good at before I became JD.
I walk back into my room feeling good. Maximus looks up at me and then back to his phone before he whips his head up to look at me again, his mouth slightly open. I can’t help but smirk at his reaction. He pulls out his phone, and within a second, my phone buzzes with a group message.
Maximus: We are not going out tonight anymore. JD feels sick.
Rory: Why? What’s wrong?
Me: Nothing is wrong, and we are going out
Maximus: No we are not!
Rocky: What? Why? I’m confused
Levi: Maximus, what is going on?
Mercer: I’m outside, I will check
Maximus: No don’t come in, she is contagious
I look over at Maximus and laugh. “Why are you telling them I’m sick?” He points at me; I walk over to the full-length mirror John installed. “I look good.”
Maximus: Exactly
Levi: Exactly what
Me: That I look good
Mercer: Correction. JD looks hot
I turn towards the door to see Mercer leaning against the door frame.
Maximus: I was just kidding, we are on our way
Rocky: I’m lost, see you when you get here
I push my phone into my pocket, looking back up at Mercer.
“We look like twins,” he says, still leaning against the door. I take in his black jeans with rips in the knees. Where mine are full length, his cut off above the ankle. My eyes trail up his body. His leather jacket is open, showing a black shirt underneath with the number 69 on the front pocket in white.
“I call shotgun,” I say, running towards Mercer’s Hummer.
“No one is racing you, JD,” Mercer calls out.
“Maximus doesn’t talk to me, but he looks like he could take me in a race.” He flips me off with a smile.
The bowling alley is about thirty minutes from Beth’s house. I spot Rocky, Levi and Rory as soon as I walk in. It’s hard to miss Rocky wearing a blue and yellow shirt like the rest of the staff. Maximus walks around Mercer and I, heading towards the guys. He has changed out his earphones for a pair of headphones hanging around his neck.
There are more people here than I expected, and Mercer must sense my hesitation. He takes my hand and intertwines our fingers.
“It’s okay, we are all here with you.” He starts leading the way. The lights are bright, and coloured beams light up over the lanes. The music is loud; some kind of indie rock. All the guys are laughing at something Rocky is saying. There are a few others with them, and my heart beats fast. What if they don’t like me?
“Yay. JD is here,” Rocky says, and a few strangers turn to look at me. A girl with straight, blonde hair looks me over, noticing mine and Mercers hands. Her smile isn’t friendly, and I wonder if she has just decided she hates me, or if she doesn’t like Mercer. Rocky bounces over to me and kisses my forehead.
“Oh look, Merce finally has a girlfriend. Found someone who can tame the beast?” I raise my brow at her.
“Cindy, go back to your minions,” Rory snaps. I take him in; he’s wearing dress pants, a white button-up rolled up to his elbows, and a tie hung loose around his neck. He looks like he just came from a wedding. Cindy seems overdressed in a short baby-blue V neck dress.
“You weren’t saying that an hour ago,” she snipes.
“I was saying whatever the fuck my mother wanted to hear so I could leave,” he snaps. She huffs and turns to leave. This must be the girl his mother expects him to marry. She is pretty in the same way I used to be; all fake.
“Well, she seems fun,” I say sarcastically. The guys all laugh. Mercer and I take a seat, Rocky bounces away to get us some shoes.
“Hi, I’m Savannah,” a young girl says, leaning over Maximus.
“JD,” I reply.
“JD just seems like a strange name for a girl. Is that short for anything?”
“Drop it, Sav,” Levi states.
“You might be my brother’s friend, but you’re not the boss of me. I was trying to be nice to Mercer’s girlfriend.”
“Sister?” It slips out.
“Oh, I’m not surprised Maximus didn’t tell you he had a sister.” She laughs at her own joke, and Maximus rolls his eyes.
“It’s nice to meet you, but I’m not Mercer’s girlfriend. We’re just friends.”
“You’re so lucky. I wish my friends looked like that and held my hand.” She sighs. I think someone has a crush.
“Hey, I’m your friend, but Maximus would kill me if I held your hand.” Mercer winks at her and her face lights up.
“Well, it was nice to meet you, JD, I have to go find my friends before they find me. The guys are not exactly the friendliest people.” She turns to Maximus and kisses his cheek. “Make sure you bring her over. Mum would die if you brought home a new friend, and a girl at that.” Maximus smiles at her.
Rocky brings back the hideous blue bowling shoes and Mercer and I slip them on.
I turn to Maximus. “So, you have a sister. She seems really nice.”
Levi laughs. “She is pretty cool; her friends, however, are really annoying.”
“Do you remember over summer when we were at Maximus’s house and they all turned up to swim?” Rory says, and the guys laugh.
“One of her friends kept trying to touch my abs, making eyes at me,” Rocky says, placing the food on the table. “I have to remember why we insisted Savannah go to school with us, though things have gotten better this year.”
“Let’s get this game started,” Mercer says, standing from beside me. I watch as he picks up his ball and walks to our lane. I really appreciate the view when he takes the bowl. It’s clear straight away he is good, he knocks all the pins down and yells out, “Strike!”
A few things become clear during the evening; I can’t bowl for shit, even with Mercer trying to teach me. His close proximity every time he tried just sent hormones flooding to certain parts of my body, and the need to clench my thighs together was off-putting.
I can also eat my body weight in pizza. By the end of the night, the button on my pants was stretched tight.
The guys all start chatting about a party as the bowling alley is closing. Savannah’s ears prick up, and the guys shut down the idea of her attending. She reminds them she is fifteen now, but Levi bursts her bubble, telling her that her mum is outside waiting for her. She flips him off and storms outside. Maximus follows. The guys tell him they will catch up with him tomorrow.
“I’m pretty beat, I’m going to pass on the party,” I say. Levi looks at me, knowing I want to talk.
“I’ll take JD home,” he says. The guys eye him, but I know it’s out of protection for me. Hopefully once Levi and I clear the air, they won’t need to feel that way anymore.