Sinfully Devoted by Amber Torney
Chapter Seven - Phoenix
My whole body ached, my head heavy like it was weighed down by a sack of lead. Trapped under the weight until something made me feel like I was floating. Around me, I could hear voices, but they were too distorted, and often faded in and out, making it hard to discern what they were saying.
“Hello?” I called out. Walking forward, I followed the light music that played, guiding me to a glittering light. Stepping over the threshold of a room wound round in a golden framework, it was like I had been suddenly transported into another realm.
The walls were a stark white, with a gold leaf moulding that glittered when the light hit it. In the middle of the room was a white leather chaise and a small floating coffee table. Every corner of the room was adorned in white Calla Lilies and baby pink Peonies; the smell was so sweet it reminded me of my mother. A small tear fell down my face as I stepped further into the room.
A feeling of peace fell over me as I ventured in, putting me at ease. It was the first time in a long time that I hadn’t felt that lingering need to look over my shoulder. It was almost as though the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. That perhaps this strange, yet calming, place was some sort of safe haven.
Soft music played from hidden speakers peppered around the room. Daryl Braithwaite’s, ‘As the Days Go By,’ reminding me of a day my mom and I had danced around the kitchen belting it out at the top of our lungs as we baked brownies. I could smell the rich chocolate, reminding me of the anticipation I’d felt as I sat in front of the oven, waiting for them to finish baking.
“Hello? Is there anyone here?” I called out again as I made my way to the chaise; the faux fur rug felt soft and warm and familiar underneath my feet. In front of the chaise was a small ornate coffee table, its shimmering glass top showcasing handcrafted legs. Scattered across the top were dozens of pictures: some of me, others of my parents, and a lot of my mother. Every single one showed some of the happiest moments in my life.
Sitting down, I leaned forward, running my fingers over a photo of my mother and I standing outside Luna Park. The yellow crowned, blue eyed clown face was right above, smiling down over us, inviting my mother and I to explore the park and have some fun.
“I remember that day fondly,” I hear my mother say. It was like she was there with me, as her melodic voice floated through the room. From behind, a coolness settled throughout the room, giving off an oddly calming sensation— reminding me of the comforting hugs my mother would give me every time I woke from a nightmare. “You were so excited that day. Closing out your first six months of therapy. All you talked about for days was riding the roller coaster. Then there was the old lady on the train. You were so excited about how she had given you five dollars to buy yourself the picture at the end.”
More tears started to fall as the memories from that day came flooding back. It had also been the first outing since my father had been locked away. Mom wanted to do something to take both our minds off the shitty situation we’d had found ourselves in thanks to Kyle Ducane.
“It was a great day,” I said, releasing a sad laugh. I smiled down at the picture. A soft shuffling sound came from behind me, making me turn my head. There, standing in front of me, was my mom. Her long blonde hair cascaded over her shoulder, and she was dressed in a pale-yellow dress that glimmered as she moved. The light behind her cast an ethereal glow around her. She moved as if she were weightless, floating just above the ground.
“Oh my sweet, sweet baby, please don’t cry,” she said, drawing me into a familiar embrace, one that I had longed for since the day she’d passed. Something inside me reminded me that this wasn’t real, that there was something else that I needed to do. That there were people waiting for me, but I couldn’t remember who, or where. I couldn’t really care. To hell with it, if this wasn’t real, I’d fucking missed it .
Burying my head into her shoulder, I inhaled deeply. The scent of her jasmine perfume, mixed with the scent of the other flowers in the room, made me squeeze harder. I wanted to stay like that forever. Stay there forever, with her.
“Look at me, Phoenix,” she said gently. Pulling back, she tipped my chin up so I was looking directly into her crystal blue eyes, eyes that so familiarly mirrored my own. “I know you want to stay here, sweetheart, but our time here is brief, and you need to get back to those who love you. Those boys that still need you.”
Confused, I shook my head slightly. “Please don’t leave, Momma. I’m not ready. It’s hard without you around; it feels safe here. I don’t feel pain here,” I pleaded, ignoring the niggling feeling in the back of my mind that said there was somewhere else I should be.
“Sweetheart, I wish it were that easy. I wish I could say it was going to get better as soon as you return, but I can’t honey.” The sadness in her voice caused a wave of numbness to wash over me. “I just want to assure you that there is light at the end of all this darkness. This pain that surrounds you won’t last forever.”
“Wh… what do you mean?” Taking my hand, she squeezed lightly; the feeling sent a tingling sensation through me, making me shiver. The look she gave me reminded me of the birthdays and Christmases I’d spent asking her over and over again what I was getting. Mom shook her head, refusing to tell me. I knew by just that look that she wouldn’t elaborate much more.
“Phoenix, I can’t tell you everything. All I can say is that you still have some demons to face, but you are strong, and you will get through this.” Leaning in, she kissed me on the forehead, before slowly standing.
“Don’t forget who you have become, sweetheart. I wish I could tell you more, but it’s not allowed. When you wake, the anger, pain, and hurt you feel— it will make you want to do things, say things,” she broke off, wiping a tear from her delicate face. She was pleading with me, trying to make me see something that was still blurred in my mind. Pulling me in for one final hug, she pushed a stray hair behind my ear. I held on tightly. I didn’t want this feeling to end. “Whatever path you choose, Phoenix, don’t let it change you. Don’t go it alone, either; there are some choices you can never come back from.”
“I don’t understand, Mom,” I reached out for her, but she was just beyond my grasp. “I can’t do this alone; I need you.”
“You’re not alone, Phoenix. I know you want to stay, but you need to head back now; they’re waiting for you.” She said as she pointed to the door I had entered through. “And sweetheart, I am always with you.”
Walking to the doorway, I looked back at my mom. “You need to forgive, Phoenix. Forgive yourself, your boys, and even those who have wronged you, before you can move on.”
Blowing me a kiss, she pulled away. Everything started to feel heavy once again. The distant chatter from before was suddenly fading back in. Looking over my shoulder one last time, the last thing I saw before falling back into the darkness was my mother’s face fading into the shadows, eyes full of love, smiling back at me.