Anastasia by A. Marie

Anastasia

Leukemia. My little sister had stage four leukemia. No matter how hard my mind tried to grasp that there was almost nothing the doctors could do, I failed.

I stared at my sister, who was sleeping soundly due to the medicine the doctor had given her. I couldn’t help but pace back and forth around the room as I tried calling my mother over and over again. At first, it seemed as if she were ignoring my calls, but it soon turned into every call I made going to voicemail.

Throwing myself on the chair, I brought my hands up to my face as tears streamed down my face. I could only focus on the dust that fluttered around the room as I thought about not being able to see my sister again. Never in my life could I imagine having to bury my little sister. She was always supposed to outlive me.

A knock sounded on the door, leaving me with a mere moment to wipe my tears away before it opened. A woman strolled in wearing a smile on her face. I knew she could see how I had just been crying because pity began prancing around all over her face, but I didn’t need any of her pity, I just needed Alex to be okay.

“I’m sorry, but I must say, you might need some sort of help. Going through this is a very scary process, and I’d hate for you to do this all on your own,” the lady said. Based on the pantsuit instead of scrubs or lab coat, I could tell she wasn’t a doctor.

My shoulders dropped as I turned toward Alex. “I’m fine because I’m not alone. I have my little sister right there. She’s helping me by staying alive—that’s enough for the both of us,” I stated. The woman gave me one more smile, with pity dancing around on the rim of her lips, before glancing down at her clipboard.

“I wanted to stop by and explain what leukemia is and what to expect throughout this entire process. As mentioned, Alexandria is suffering from stage four leukemia. Most cancers are staged based on tumors and the amount of spreading. Leukemia is based on blood cell counts and the accumulation of the leukemia cells in organs. Alexandria has a very rare case for her age of chronic lymphocytic leukemia. It has spread to her liver, her bone marrow, her lymph nodes, and her blood. It’s spreading through her body like a wildfire,” the woman explained. As she talked, I could just feel my hands shaking, and my mind screaming at me. I am such a terrible sister. How could I have not known my sister was sick all this time?

“The doctor can’t state how long she’s had the disease, but he says that it doesn’t look good. We can get her started on chemotherapy as soon as possible to see if we can kill any of those cancerous cells and relieve some of her symptoms. A really good doctor who wants to help Alexandria is arriving soon. He is on his way and will do his best to assure a potential recovery for her,” the lady finished, allowing faith to surge into my heart. As scary as my sister’s cancer sounded, I only hoped the doctor was as good as the lady said he was.

Taking a deep breath, I tried not to cry in front of her. All I could do was nod my head while she began to write some more things down on her clipboard. The sound of her pen scribbling down nonsense flowed into my ears.

“I’ll let the doctor know to get her started on chemotherapy right away. Now, we have to discuss the ugly part of this. Do you happen to have insurance―Medicaid, Medicare, anything to help cover expenses?” the lady asked, raising a brow as she sent a soft, reassuring smile my way. I bit down on my lip as I shook my head. They’re asking for some way to pay for all of this. My head began to spin as I thought about the cost of everything. I thought I was in debt already seeing as my family was behind in almost every bill, but now, with Alex’s medical expenses, we would be completely robbed of money for years. Maybe I could pick some hours up at the diner, or I could even find a second job.

“We can’t deny you care, Ms. Smith. No matter what, we’ll be sure to do all we can for your sister, but the cost will pile up quickly. Cancer treatment isn’t cheap,” she said softly.

Closing my eyes, I could feel a stray tear roll down my cheek. Before it could completely fall, I harshly wiped it away.

“Okay,” I whispered.

Her features slowly returned to a soft smile as she wrote more things down on the clipboard. “I’ll be back shortly after discussing future treatment with your doctor and seeing what we can do to help you out financially.”

The moment she was gone, I picked up my phone and dialed my mother’s number. Once again, it went straight to voicemail. As soon as I hung up the phone, a sob ripped out of me.

“I hate her! I hate her so fucking much! Why can’t she just be a normal parent for once?” I shouted.

When I turned to glance at my sister, she was already staring up at me. A look of melancholy was obvious on her features. After closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, I smiled at her. “How do you feel?”

“Nana, I know she isn’t the best Mum in the world. We live in a world that wants to bring us down. We waste so much time being angry with others and ourselves. I’m still here, aren’t I? I’m still breathing, and I can still move.” She chuckled before raising her arms up and down. “Hate is an ugly word. Mum is still in there somewhere, and it is nothing but a waste of time to hate the disease that is keeping her away from herself. Time is limited in this world, and if we don’t look for the positive moments—what the hell are we living for? You’re my big sister, and I’ll love you always, no matter what you do with your life. I may be dying of a disease, the same way she is, you need to stick by her exactly like I know you’re sticking by me. We need to—ow.”

I gasped out as she gripped her side with a grimace on her face. Instinctively, I reached out for her, hoping she would allow me to be there for her.

Suddenly, her eyes widened as she looked up at me. “How are we going to pay for this? Mum can’t work with the record she has, and you can’t afford this treatment,” Alex pointed out.

“Don’t worry about anything. I’ll figure it all out, like I always do. I’m going to go call a nurse,” I said, touching the top of her head before walking out of the room. One of the nurses automatically perked up from behind the desk. She walked around the counter to come toward me.

“She keeps clutching her side in pain,” I informed her. She quickly nodded before entering the room. Her eyes were immediately on Alex as she began to do something with her IV.

“I’ll be right back with some more pain medication. Dr. Flores is one of the best oncologists in the nation. He is eager to meet you, Alexandria. He’ll be here as soon as he lands,” the nurse stated with a bright smile. Once she finished changing the IV, the nurse exited the room.

“Don’t you have to work today?” my sister asked.

One thing I love about Alex was her intelligence. I knew that when she spaced out, it was her intellect putting things together. Her mind had a way of solving the impossible equations of life.

“I’m chucking a sickie,” I told her. She looked up at me, then rolled her eyes playfully. The longer I looked at her, the more I didn’t want to ever leave her side. What hurt the most was realizing that my sister may be dying. No, she’s going to live no matter the cost—I will do anything to make sure she is okay.

Her eyebrows rose as she looked at me. I quickly averted my eyes and picked up my phone. Alex hated signs of pity almost as much as I did. Not many people in the world can say that they like to be looked at with sympathy when they were struggling. For me, it was like someone was rubbing it in my face—that there was a thick wall blocking me from a solution.

“Mum isn’t answering,” I said, setting my phone down on the hospital’s bedside table.

“Go, swing by the house and check on her. I don’t trust that man we saw her with,” Alex replied, a frown on her lips.

The nurse walked back in and handed Alex some pills and water. Heading out of the room, the nurse gave me a small smile.

My sister already looked comfortable and ready to fall right back to sleep as she rolled over onto her side.

“I don’t want to leave you here by yourself. What if your doctor gets here?” I asked, grabbing a hold of her hand. From her words about not trusting the man, worry began to knot in the pit of my stomach.

“Nana, my sunflower…I promise you I am going to be okay. I’m already,” she yawned, “so tired. Go check on Mum. The nurses will watch me, and I’ll make sure we don’t start anything without you.”

“Okay, but I’ll be right back,” I declared. She waved her hand dismissively as she shut her eyes. The medicine they gave her seemed to work pretty quickly; she was out in seconds.

I decided to watch over her for another minute and then grabbed the keys. I left her room and wandered down the stairs to the entrance. As I made my way outside, I walked toward my car, staring at my reflection through the window. My hair was a mess and I was still wearing pajamas. The sudden cancer wasn’t anything I could’ve prepared myself for. Everything went south within a minute.

As I opened the door, I carefully slid into the vehicle before turning on the ignition.

* * *

“Mum!”I shouted out as I walked into our small apartment. All the lights were off, but it was only because our electricity still wasn’t working.

Stepping one foot into the house, I grabbed the gun by the door. There was also a flashlight we kept inside of a drawer that I hurriedly reached for. We were an apartment full of only females, aside from that, my mother tended to bring men around like it was nothing. We had all agreed that it would be smart to keep a gun around just in case we needed it to protect ourselves.

One small step after another led me straight to my mother’s room. I knocked softly, and when I didn’t hear any response—I went in. Grabbing better hold of the flashlight, I flicked it on.

A gasp moved past my lips as I ran over to my mother who was passed out on the floor. Her room was a mess and there seemed to have been blood dripping from her nose.

“Oh, my god! Can you hear me?” I shouted, grabbing her face gently. Her mouth moved to form a groan as she nodded her head. I didn’t know what to do.

“Yes, yes, I can hear you,” she whispered. Leaning up, a groan left her lips as her eyes remained shut. Shaking my head, I grabbed my mum and pulled her onto the bed.

It quickly became our normal routine: help her remove her shoes, lay her down on the bed, place the blanket over her body, and leave. Only this time, her room looked like it had been trashed, and she looked like she had been trashed right along with it.

“What did he do to you?” I asked as I began to remove the heels from her feet.

The temperature in the apartment made it challenging to even think straight.

“Who, Dante? Oh, no, nothing, sweetie. He just gets a little rough. I’m sorry I couldn’t get the money this time,” she slurred. I went up to her and tucked her into bed. She was quivering, making me quickly realize she was high. There was never a time that she wasn’t drugged.

“What did you take?” I asked, my voice going robotic.

“Nothing, sweetie. I didn’t take anything…how’s my little girl doing, is Alex okay?” she wondered. It sounded like there was actual concern in her voice, but I knew she wouldn’t remember any of this. So, I settled with a sigh as I ran my hands through her hair. Her body kept shivering as I did so.

“She has cancer, Mum,” I said, a tear falling from my eyes. Mum looked up at me, her eyes were so bloodshot and empty. I had to fight the urge to slap her and scream about how she needed to be there for us. She needed to know that it’s her fault I will never be financially stable because the car, apartment, utility bills, and hospital information were all in my name—they’re always going to be left unpaid. I wanted to scream that I can’t handle all of this on my own. I needed her to understand that my little sister was necessary for me to be sane because there was no one else in the world who cared for me as much as my little sister did, not even my own mother.

“I can’t blame you, because then I’d have to blame it on your mother, your mother’s mother, her mother’s mother, and so on. I’d have to blame it on the darkness. Mum, I don’t blame you, but please,” I sobbed as she began to fall asleep in my arms. Please just love us more than those damn drugs.