Fractured Trust by L. M. Dalgleish
Chapter 19
The early morning sun roused Summer, and she blinked groggily before she registered she was in her bed and the heavy arm draped over her chest belonged to Noah. She stilled, the intoxicating feeling of having his naked body next to her bringing back memories of the night before—and from many years ago.
She tilted her head, her eyes tracing his perfect profile, lingering on his long golden lashes where they brushed his cheekbones, and her heart cartwheeled in her chest. It would be so easy to fall back in love with him, to fall back into what they’d had before. But nothing had changed. As much as things were warm and fuzzy right now, it wouldn’t last. She’d already proven she wasn’t emotionally strong enough to handle Noah’s life. Even without Deacon sabotaging her, what were the odds she’d have been able to handle his career as a rock star with the way her mind worked? Even just the thought of him going on tour, having women throw themselves at him, made her chest tighten.
And Noah… well, he’d never said he wanted anything more than this. And why would he, considering what she’d done to him last time? The familiar acid burn of guilt washed through her. How could she have been so stupid? She’d trusted Deacon when she hadn’t trusted Noah.
Before she could sink too low in the mire of her thoughts, Noah let out a sigh and rolled toward her, his blue, blue eyes drifting open. Confusion flashed in them for a second before he seemed to realize who was in bed with him. Her body jolted with a surge of anxiety as she wondered if she’d see regret written on his face. She might not know what this was between them, but she knew she wasn’t ready for it to be over. Not right this minute, anyway.
So, when his mouth tipped up in a slow, seductive smile, she let out a quiet sigh of relief and smiled back at him. Warmth trickled through her veins, licking at her limbs, heating her blood. And when he rolled over on top of her, she welcomed him with open arms.
* * *Summer watched Noah finish his breakfast. It was so surreal sitting across the table from him, having him smile at her, tease her, reach out to touch her. Surreal, and far too addictive.
“So, what did you have planned for today?” he asked as he scraped up the last bit of scrambled eggs she’d made him.
“Not much, actually. I was going to go shopping for a new microwave since the one that came with the apartment is a bit hit-and-miss.”
Noah looked around the small front room where they were eating, and his expression darkened. “I don’t like this place. It’s not in a great area, and now you’re telling me the appliances don’t work.”
Summer laughed. “Noah. You’ve gotten far too used to living the high life. This apartment is pretty standard.” She hesitated, then forced herself to ask lightly, as if his answer wouldn’t affect her. “I guess you always take women back to your place, rather than go to theirs. Otherwise, you’d be used to seeing apartments like this.”
Noah, slowly put his coffee cup down, his eyes intent on hers. Summer fidgeted under his gaze. Maybe she hadn’t sounded as casual as she’d wanted to.
“I don’t take women back to my house.”
“Oh, okay. So surely you know my apartment is pretty normal. You must have seen plenty…”
“Summer, stop it.” Noah’s voice was calm, but his eyes were stormy. “We’re not doing this.”
She tried again, forcing a flippant tone into her voice, even though her fingers were quivering. “I’m not doing anything. Just making conversation. I’m not… not meaning…”
“Yes, you are. And we need to get past this. You need to get past this.”
Tension pulled at Summer’s shoulders, and she wished she hadn’t brought it up. Talking to Noah about all the women he’d been with was a terrible idea. “I shouldn’t have said anything. Please, let’s just change the subject. I really don’t want to talk about it.”
“We need to talk about it, Summer. Half of our problem has been not talking about this. Maybe if we’d talked more about how you felt before I went on tour, what happened wouldn’t have happened. And if I’d talked to you more and reassured you while I was away, maybe you would have trusted me not to do anything.”
Summer’s chin trembled, and a trickle of unease slicked its way down her spine. This was all going wrong. She didn’t want to talk about it. Or hear about it.
A muscle pulsed in Noah’s jaw, and his eyes burned into her. He nodded sharply when she didn’t reply, then rubbed his hand over his face. “Yes, I’ve been with a lot of women, Summer. Probably not as many as you’re imagining, but more than you’d be comfortable with. I can’t change it. And I hate to say it, but if you hadn’t broken it off without even talking to me, I would never have been with any of them.”
When Summer shook her head out of habit, opening her mouth to deny what he’d said, he slashed his hand through the air, cutting her off. “I don’t care what you think, it’s the truth. I never would have touched another woman if we’d still been together. But I can understand how it makes you feel. I really can. I would hate thinking of you sleeping around. Not because you shouldn’t be able to if you’re single, but because I’d be fucking jealous that they got to touch you when I couldn’t.
“But you know what? As clichéd as it sounds, those women, those encounters, were only ever physical. Even on the couple of occasions over the last decade when I fooled myself into thinking I might be able to maintain a relationship, it never lasted. Because I wasn’t there emotionally. I knew it, and they knew it. I never brought them to my house, I never stayed the night at theirs, I never held them in my arms and whispered sweet nothings in their ears. But you…”
A muscle pulsed in his jaw, and he shook his head sharply. “All these years I’ve had to think of you kissing him, making love to him, a man you cared about, a man you loved. I had to fucking think about you curled around him, hearts beating in sync, drifting off to sleep with his scent surrounding you, his skin against yours, his heart in your hands, and yours in his. And believe me, I did think about it. Far more often than was healthy.”
The pain in Noah’s eyes caused tears to well up in Summer’s. His face was drawn, his fists where they rested on the table clenched so hard his knuckles were white as he continued, his voice rasping. “It should have been me, Summer! That should have been me. I should have been the only man to fall asleep with you in his arms, to feel your skin under his fingertips, to tell you he loved you. But you took that away from me and you gave it to him! Knowing that was fucking torture. For months after I saw you two together, I did nothing but drink and play the drums and try not to think. And do you know the first time I ever touched another woman? The day I heard the news that you and Deacon had moved away and were getting married. Because I knew then you weren’t coming back to me, and I couldn’t think of anything else to do to try to erase you from my mind. It wasn’t a matter of waiting for you. I wasn’t holding on to hope that you’d be mine again one day. What else did I have? So yes, I can see why knowing I’ve been with a lot of women is hard for you, but knowing you were with a man that you loved, a man that you chose over me—that you married—has slain me a thousand times over the last eleven years.”
He stared hard at her, hurt etched deeply into his face. “So, if my past is a deal-breaker for you, then I guess I’m just shit out of luck because there is literally nothing I can do about it. I can’t go back in time and change the decisions I made. Just like you can’t change the decisions you made. And if you truly can’t see past it, then you need to tell me to walk away now, because I don’t want to wake up every morning hoping that will be the day you’ll give me—give us—a second chance.”
Summer struggled to breathe, struggled for the words she needed to say to him. She wiped at her wet cheeks and took a deep breath, hoping to calm her racing heart. “I swear to God Noah, I never meant to hurt you that way. I never thought you’d”—she shook her head, her lower lip trembling—“I didn’t think you’d care.” She ignored the growl he uttered at that, just needing to get the words out. “But I need you to know something, too. I never felt for Deacon what I felt for you. Not even when I thought I loved him. It was just a pale imitation. And I hated myself for that. I tried so hard to feel that way about him. I bent over backward to be the perfect wife, to be what he needed in every way, because I knew deep down that as much as I didn’t want it to be true, my heart belonged to someone else.”
The blue of Noah’s eyes was aflame as he looked at her. Summer took in the familiar yet still unfamiliar lines of his face, the tense angle of his jaw. Could she see past it? Plenty of women would be able to. Plenty of women would scoff at her hesitation.
She rubbed at her temples. God, sometimes she hated the way her mind worked. She wanted to trust him. She wanted to believe that she would be enough to keep his interest. Why was it so hard for her? And if she did start something back up with Noah, what if she overreacted to something innocent he did and hurt him all over again? The thought was like a knife between her ribs.
Summer dragged in a deep, steadying, trying to compose herself. “I understand, Noah. I don’t blame you for feeling that way. How could I? And I want to spend time with you again, I do. But I also need to be completely honest. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to handle your life, and I’m terrified of doing the same thing all over again. I just don’t know how…” She shook her head. “I don’t know how to be the woman you need me to be.”
“So, what are you trying to say?”
She chewed on her lip as she studied him. “Maybe… Maybe we could just do this casually, no promises, no commitments—”
“No commitments?” Noah snarled. “What does that mean? Because I’m sure as shit not planning on touching anyone else while we’re together. And if that’s what you’re planning—”
Summer jerked her head back. “God no. No, I just meant, let’s just take each day as it comes. There won’t be anyone else. But if it starts to go bad, then we just walk away, no harm, no foul.”
“And what about when I’m on tour?”
Her breath shuddered out of her, and she looked into his eyes, begging him to understand. “I don’t know if I’m going to be able to deal with that, Noah. I really don’t. And I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep.”
Noah’s brows lowered. “So, what are you saying, that we end it when I leave?”
Summer’s heart squeezed tight at the thought. “I— I don’t know. I guess I’m saying maybe we should just see how it goes. Because I’m not sure I can go through that again. And I couldn’t bear putting you through it either.”
She squeezed her hands together. “And I love working with Eden. I don’t know what I’d do if things fell apart between you and me and I had to leave. I know I’m being selfish by wanting this with you, and you should tell me to just forget it. But I’ve missed you, I’ve missed us. And maybe if we spend these weeks with each other, without the pressure of expecting it to be permanent, then we’ll be able to enjoy our time together. And if it’s not working, and we need to end it, then at least we’ll have the closure we both needed.”
Summer couldn’t read Noah’s expression. His mouth had thinned during her speech, the skin around his eyes tightening, but he didn’t yell. Didn’t stand up and walk out. He just scrutinized her, his muscles tight, the tension in his shoulders seeming to strain the seams of his t-shirt. Then the stiffness suddenly left his body, and he relaxed back against his chair as if he’d made a decision. “Okay.”
Summer’s eyebrows lifted. She wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting, but that one-word answer hadn’t been it. “Okay? You’re okay with just keeping this casual?”
Noah shrugged. “Well, you’re right. Neither of us wants to go through anything like that again. So why jump into something serious? We can just see how it goes.” He lifted his mug and took a sip, his eyes suddenly glinting with that familiar hint of mischief she was used to.
“Right. Um, okay.” Summer gave him a tentative smile, and when he raised his coffee mug in a toast, she bemusedly followed his lead.
“To no commitment.” Noah’s smile was serene, but his eyes still gleamed. Summer wasn’t sure if what she was doing was smart or stupid, but she guessed she was going to find out.