Tell Me You Want Me by Willow Winters
Suzette
The only thing allowing me to calm down last night was, ironically, Adrian. If he hadn’t taken me in his office, I don’t think I would have been able to sleep. After being taken so thoroughly all I could think about was a hot bath, pajamas, and a glass of wine. My worries couldn’t keep me awake long after that and I took my well-fucked body to bed.
A part of me is convinced he only said those things to pacify me. That he told me tomorrow he would give me a straight answer so I would calm down. The other part of me knows he hasn’t given me a reason to think he’d lie to me. He’s many things, but he hasn’t lied to me. All of me, though, every single part of me is embarrassed for losing it on him. It wasn’t professional and it crossed the lines we agreed upon.
With all of those thoughts fighting for the center stage of my insecurity, sleep wasn’t as restful as I’d hoped it would be. My light dreams were far too real. Coworkers glared at me from outside my office door. No one would tell me what was happening, though. They wouldn’t give a reason why they were so angry. “We’re transitioning,” I said, and I knew it didn’t make any difference. Eventually, the dreams stopped and I fell into a deep sleep for all of a handful of hours.
I think it’s safe to say the reality of my position at work is catching up to me.
My outfit for today was a decisive choice. It consists of a pencil skirt and blouse that is the epitome of attire for head bitches in charge. Selecting my accessories carefully, I went with classic pearl studs and paired them with a triple strand of pearls.
Giving myself a once-over, I nod. My outfit is perfect, and I’m calm enough from last night to face whatever Adrian says this morning. Although I’m exhausted with bags under my eyes, I’m a professional and I’ll act accordingly.
None of it explains how my hands go numb and my stomach turns over every time I think of Adrian, though. This is exactly why they say not to fuck your boss. Every instinct I have tells me that today is our last day and potentially my last day at work as well.
He’s taken over my mind and my emotions. How the hell did I let that happen?
I can lie to myself all I want as I smooth my skirt down, but he’s still lingering behind every one of my thoughts.
I reassure myself on the trip into the office that I’ll be professional and that whatever happens, I will survive. And that these emotions are warranted. It’s perfectly normal to experience insecurities around something as intimate as sex, and something as forbidden as sex with the man who holds your future in his hands. Not just your future, either, but that of everyone you work with.
The thoughts marinate all throughout my morning routine. From paying for my morning coffee at the stand on the corner, to nodding at colleagues on my way to the elevator. These feelings and thoughts don’t leave me. Dwelling on it all won’t help. All I want to do is rip the fucking bandage off.
My thoughts will only get more complicated, and what can simplify them is answers. The email went out this morning, and four people have already texted me. The only one I replied to was Gail, who’s waiting for me so we can head to the conference room together. Three departments are meeting at once this morning. The last three. Just the thought sends unease washing through me again.
“You ready?” Gail asks me, a notebook tucked under her arm as she pulls the hem of her dress down. It’s a dark red number with three-quarter sleeves, and it hugs her curves all the way down to her thighs.
Red is a confident color. Nodding, I lift my coffee to her. “Let’s do this.”
It’s quiet as we take the elevator up. “At least we’ll know,” Gail murmurs and I nod, choosing not to say anything at all. Her nervousness is as obvious as mine.
I hate this. I hate every bit of it and that’s all I can think as we settle into the room, all twenty chairs filled and three men standing in the back corner.
The conversation swells from soft murmurs and gossip to one man speaking far too loudly in the room and then all at once stops.
Adrian strides to the head of the table to address everyone. If I hadn’t spent so much time with him, knowing the curve of his jaw, the strength in his stance, I might not notice the subtle darkness under his eyes, as if he hasn’t slept either.
His suit is crisp, though, custom fitted no doubt, and his shoulders set back, the air seeming to bend around him.
“Good morning,” he says, and my body instantly heats. He has all the power to turn our lives upside down, but I still crave the sound of his voice. “I’m not going to waste any time. As part of this company’s restructuring, some departments will be dissolved.”
Sucking in a breath, I prepare myself.
“Your applications will be suggested to a competitor who will need to hire a number of positions after a merger.” His eyes meet mine. “The only department that stays is brand positioning and marketing. It will stay in its entirety.”
Mutters fill the room instantly, but Adrian cuts them off with a gesture.
“Did he say our department?” Gail whispers. And I nod without thinking. It’s what he said, isn’t it? He said brand positioning and marketing?
Gail lets out a not-so-subtle sigh and grabs my hand, squeezing so tight that my knuckles hurt. My department is safe. I can barely breathe, let alone sit here and absorb everything else he said.
There will be a merger.
He said there will be a merger.
We are safe, but what are the details of the merger? What exactly is happening? A split-up? He continues, fielding questions and a few men file out without a single word. They’re pissed, dealing with the gravity of the situation. Everything seems to happen around me in a whirl. I have a million questions for Adrian. If the other sectors are being merged, what does that mean for my department? I rely on finance and purchasing and production to do what I do. Our department is all about ideas and relationships, but bringing those ideas to life relies on others. Does this mean I’ll have to outsource? To the new company, even?
It’s not long before I feel lingering stares on the back of my neck, and my ears go hot. They’re all stealing glances at me, one by one. The corners of their mouths are turned down in disapproving frowns.
They know. This looks bad. So fucking bad. And yet, it’s what I asked for. The reality of their assumptions hits me.
Everyone here knows I’ve been sleeping with Adrian, and they think he’s keeping my department because I couldn’t keep my legs closed. It will never matter to them that I took my own power in being fucked by him. All they see is a woman who went behind everyone’s back to sleep with the boss and guarantee her department would stay intact.
That sickening feeling takes over again. Every part of me is on edge and Gail seems to catch on, squeezing my hand again and whispering, “Fuck them.”
Frustration clenches my jaw. For so many years, I’ve thrown myself into this work and made tough calls and spoken my mind to my superiors even though I knew it would be risky to do it. I’ve been the one on the line many times, all in service of building this company into something worthwhile. Now everyone in the room thinks I slept my way to the top. Not even to the top. They think I slept my way to keeping my job.
My discomfort grows with the silence. I’m not sure what Adrian is waiting for, but no one does anything. No one pretends to have another meeting or rushes out with their cell phone to their ear.
It hits me then, that he’s reading the room the same as I am. He knows exactly what they think and why they’re all looking at me. Not Gail or anyone else from my department. Only at me. His gaze slips to mine and the back of my eyes prick. I can take it. I’ll deal with the fallout and whatever damage is done to my reputation.
Adrian is handsome and stone faced at the front of the room. He’s a defensive, arrogant asshole, that’s what he is. Adrian has a strong jaw and an even better smile, but the expression he wears now is hardly encouraging.
“Not one of you came to pitch to me,” he says finally in a deadly tone, and the room holds its breath. They’ve been waiting for the release of finally knowing what’s going to happen, and now Adrian’s dragging it out. “Not a single one of you but the lead for brand positioning and marketing. One of you came to me with a plan, and I may be a heartless prick, but if there is value and a potential profit …” He’s looking deeply into my eyes now, in front of all my colleagues. Every eye in the room is on us. “I do consider it.”