Hapi by Cari Waites

Jayden wasloose-limbed and clumsy when Hapi took him back to the shed. He stumbled down onto his mattress and sucked in deep breaths to clear his head. He became aware, gradually, of aches and bruises, but the floaty feeling remained. He pressed his fingers into the tender places around his throat and thought of how he’d leaned into Hapi’s constricting hand.

Give me your breath, Hapi had said, and Jayden had. Hapi had been gentler because Jayden hadn’t fought, and that was a good thing. Jayden was manipulating him, wasn’t he? He thought he was, but being complicit felt a lot like being an accomplice in his own abduction. But how else could he get Hapi to think he was going along with all this craziness, without actually going along with it? It suddenly felt like walking on very thin ice, and Jayden didn’t know how much longer he could get away with it before Hapi discovered his deceit, or before he didn’t know himself anymore. Jayden had never been a great liar or the smartest guy in the room. Now that his life depended on it, could he do this?

A stupid question because what other choice did he have?

His gaze fell on the tent peg, still lying on the concrete floor where Hapi had tossed it.

It wasn’t as though he was any physical threat to Hapi, was it? Hapi hadn’t even bothered to take the tent peg away, and the shed itself was full of bits of metal that some other guy—some guy in an action movie, probably—could turn into weapons.

Not Jayden, though.

He peered through the darkness at the jumble of twisted metal on the other side of the conveyor belt. It could have been some kind of modern art installation or maybe something from a horror movie: a giant insect, bristling with feelers and stingers.

Jayden remembered being a kid, the blankets pulled up over his head at night, knocking his knuckles against his skull to force himself to stop thinking about scary things. They all came at night: ghosts and aliens and monsters. Just thinking about them made them real, made them seep like gas under the gap of his bedroom door and manifest themselves at the foot of his bed. So he’d hit himself on the head to stop the thoughts from snagging there, from getting an anchor in his brain, until he was too tired to think at all.

Child Jayden would never have dared to think about giant insects while lying here in the dark, staring at the shifting shapes against the far wall. Child Jayden would have known that would make them real, that the shapes would elongate into an insect’s giant feelers, that a glimmering eye would open and dry wings would thrum against the metal wall of the shed, louder than the rain; it would devour him.

Jayden stared into the gloom, heartbeat steady, and breath rattling in his bruised throat.

He ached, and there was a twinge in his arse when he moved, an answering pulse down there that echoed the bruised one in his throat. He closed his eyes and thought of Hapi thrusting into him, kissing him, and his dick twitched.

This whole thing was crazy, and maybe the craziest thing of all was that Jayden had come when Hapi had fucked him. He hadn’t expected that. He wasn’t stupid enough to think that it meant anything more than his confused body responding to stimulation, but still, he hadn’t expected it. He’d been prepared to go along with what Hapi wanted from him. He hadn’t thought he’d want it himself.

It didn’t matter. He needed to get out of here, that was all. Everything else…. There was no room for everything else in the small parcels of time Jayden was existing in. There was only room to concentrate on surviving.

A dry rustling sound from the rusted-out car body caught his attention, and a moment later Jayden saw a dark shape detach itself from the rest of the shadows and move toward him.

A possum, he thought at first, squinting in the darkness, but then he saw that it was a cat. It approached on silent paws, sat outside of Jayden’s reach and stared at him. It was too dark in the gloom to see exactly what it looked like, but Jayden could tell that one of its ears was torn. And then, when it had clearly had had enough of staring at him, it stood and stalked away.

It had a kink its tail, just like….

Jayden’s heart hammered.

Just like the cat from the caravan park: torn ear, kinked tail.

But the caravan park was across the river—the wide, flooded river, filled with swirling muddy water and crocodiles. Barry had said there was no bridge. He’d said the road ended at the caravan park, and that Hapi and his brothers needed a boat to get across. How could the cat have crossed the water? How could it be here?

Jayden heard Hapi’s voice in his head. Because you drowned in the river, Jayden. Because you’re already dead.

The blood roared in his skull and a wave of panic rose up in him.

He squeezed his eyes shut and curled up on the mattress, hugging his knees.

No.

This couldn’t be real.

It couldn’t be.

Outside, the rain didn’t end.

* * *

Jayden awokewith a start to a sound louder than the thrum of the rain on the roof of the shed. The barrage of noise took him a moment to figure it out. Someone was running a pole or something along the corrugated walls of the shed, and the noise rolled and echoed. Jayden sat up quickly, clamping his hands over his ears, and stared at the door.

The noise stopped then, and the echoes of it slowly faded away into nothing. Then the chain on the door rattled, gently at first, and then more violently. Metal scraped and screeched as the chain was pulled.

“Duamutef!” someone yelled. Was it Hapi? There was a louder crash, as though someone had been thrown against the outside wall. Jayden heard short, sharp words in that unknown language the brothers spoke, and then there was only silence and the steady drumming of the rain on the roof.

Moments later, the chain scraped again, more softly this time, and the door was pulled open. Hapi stood silhouetted in the doorway, and Jayden pushed away the strange sense of relief he felt. It was disquieting. Better the devil you know, maybe, but he was afraid it was more than that. He was afraid he couldn’t trust himself, couldn’t trust anything. The impossible presence of the cat had unanchored him from the things he thought he knew. He could no longer feel solid ground underneath his feet.

As Hapi drew closer, Jayden could see that he was scowling. It was more expression than he thought he’d ever seen on Hapi’s face before, and he felt a flutter in his chest that wasn’t all fear because he knew that the anger wasn’t directed at him. It was directed at whichever brother was outside—Duamutef. The bald one, he thought. Then, he remembered what the brother with the scar had said, ‘Duamutef wants more than the stomach.’

Hapi knelt beside the mattress, his mouth pulled down and brow furrowed, and Jayden held his gaze in the darkness.

“I’m yours,” Jayden said. He climbed onto his knees and shuffled closer to Hapi. “I said I was. You said I was.”

Hapi grunted. “Duamutef is jealous because I found you first.”

Jayden exhaled slowly. “But I’m yours, aren’t I?”

Hapi reached out and curled his hand around Jayden’s throat. He didn’t apply any pressure. “You’re mine.”

“And you’ll protect me from him,” Jayden said.

“Yes.”

“Until it’s time,” Jayden said. His eyes stung. “Until your father comes.”

“Until judgement,” Hapi agreed.

“What if I’m not dead yet?” Jayden asked softly. He thought of the cat again and a shiver ran through him.

“You drowned and you have crossed the river,” Hapi said, and he sounded so certain that for a moment Jayden thought that it almost made sense. And then he remembered that none of it was real, and that even if it was—if there were somehow Egyptian gods existing in the world—then they would have picked some better place to live than a shitty old weatherboard house outside Innisfail.

Jayden swallowed, his throat bobbing against Hapi’s hand. “But at the caravan park, that day you saw me, I wasn’t dead then, was I? And you wanted me anyway. Didn’t you?”

Hapi hummed. “Yes.”

“But for something different than this,” Jayden pressed, aware that at any moment Hapi might tighten his grasp on his throat. “Because I wasn’t dead then.”

Hapi’s gaze held his in the gloom.

“Tell me,” Jayden urged softly. “Tell me what you wanted me for.”

Hapi’s thumb stroked his pulse point. “To fuck,” he said at last, his voice low. “To fuck and own and keep.”

Jayden’s heart pounded. This was it. This was his leverage, if only he could use it without stumbling. Hapi had wanted him, not as some dead person to judge, but alive. Maybe Jayden could make him see he wasn’t dead and could still promise himself to Hapi, if only he would keep Jayden safe from his brothers and his father. He pressed his palm against Hapi’s cheek and felt the muscle twitch under his palm.

“I wanted that,” he said, willing Hapi to believe it. Willing it to be true enough that Hapi’s dark gaze wouldn’t see right through it. He drew on all those confused emotions he felt for Hapi—relief, gratitude, attraction—and pushed away the one that was of no use now—his fear. He let the others wash over him. Let himself breathe them in. Maybe drowned here, too, just a little. “Hapi, I wanted that so much.”

It wasn’t even a real lie. He’d been drawn to Hapi from the moment he’d seen him, even when that blast of static at the back of his lizard brain had told him to run.

He leaned back, removing his throat from Hapi’s grasp, and then he tugged Hapi forward to sit on the mattress. Jayden straddled him, pressing close and resting his forearms on Hapi’s shoulders. He leaned in and brushed their mouths together.

“I wanted that,” he murmured. “Wanted you to fuck me and own me and keep me.”

Hapi’s hands found his lower back.

“I was supposed to be going to Cairns,” Jayden said. “I was going to find my dad. Just… just to see if he was worth finding, I think.” He tried to smile and felt it fade. “Even if he was a dick, I’d at least know for sure.”

Hapi nuzzled his cheek briefly, and Jayden’s heart skipped a fluttery beat.

“I never had a family,” Jayden said. “Just my mum, and she wasn’t a good mum. She was an addict. It’s just been me since she died. I was lonely.” He swallowed and his throat ached. “If all this is real, does it get any better after judgement?”

“Your heart is lighter than a feather,” Hapi said.

“It’s never felt that way.”

“You are now in Duat,” Hapi said. “Soon you will meet our father, Horus, and your judgement will begin. There are many who will judge you. Our father is just the first you will meet. If you are found unworthy, your soul will be devoured.” He pressed his mouth against Jayden’s. “But if your heart is light, you will be taken to Aaru, where you will exist in happiness forever.”

Jayden wrinkled his nose. “Aaru is heaven?”

“Aaru is the Field of Reeds where Osiris rules.”

“Will you be there?”

Hapi’s gaze flickered and his cheek tightened briefly. “No,” he said at last. “My place is here in Duat.”

Jayden screwed his courage. “How will it be heaven for me, if you’re not there?”

Hapi’s eyes narrowed, and Jayden was afraid he’d pushed him too hard. He had to tread carefully with Hapi’s delusions. He had no doubt Hapi would react violently if he suspected Jayden was trying to manipulate him. He stole a quick kiss and forced himself to smile.

“I don’t like it here,” he whispered. He could feel Hapi’s dick hardening underneath him. “It’s dark and I hate being here alone. I’m scared your brother will come back when you’re not here to protect me.”

He averted his eyes so he didn’t have to look at Hapi.

He was scared he wasn’t smart enough for this. He was sure he’d make a misstep, and it was his life at stake. Nothing in his existence had prepared him for something like this. How could it? This was fucking insane. He was just as scared that his manipulation of Hapi wasn’t entirely an act.

Hapi wanted to own him and keep him. When had that ever happened to Jayden? And he’d wanted it so much when he was a kid that he’d ached. Not the fucking, obviously, but he’d wanted to be wanted. He’d wanted to be someone that another person would fight to keep. He’d wanted to be seen and to matter. He’d wanted to count for something.

Hapi’s obsession was as terrifying as his delusion, but Jayden couldn’t pretend there wasn’t something darkly seductive about it, like a sweet-tasting poison.

“How many people have you judged?” he asked softly.

Hapi huffed out a displeased breath. “I am not a judge.”

Jayden nodded. “Sorry. How many people have you done this to? All the stuff you do here.”

“There have been millions of souls.”

Jayden shifted in Hapi’s lap. “No, I mean here, in this shed.”

Hapi hummed. “Four. You are five.”

Jayden’s blood turned to ice at the admission. The millions of souls thing was bullshit, but the thought of four people having gone through what Jayden was experiencing now, in this same old, dirty shed? That seemed plausible. He wondered where the bodies were buried. He wondered if his would join them, and if anyone would ever discover them.

He didn’t want to be nothing. He didn’t want to die alone and forgotten because he’d already lived that.

He wondered what Hapi’s idea of heaven looked like. Aaru, the Field of Reeds. What was heaven to an ancient people? The absence of death and hunger and disease, maybe. With pyramids instead of heavenly palaces on clouds?

His mouth quirked in an unwilling grin.

Someone needed to update heaven. Jayden’s heaven would be a room in a fancy resort, with a PS5 and free Netflix. Maybe that was just as stupid and small drawn as some ancient person’s idea of heaven being all the bread they could eat and no smallpox or whatever, but it sounded pretty sweet to Jayden.

His smile faded.

No, his idea of heaven would be people—family. Even in his fantasy they didn’t have faces because he hadn’t met them yet, but there would be heaps of them, and they’d laugh and tell terrible jokes and hug him.

Maybe wanting that was even more pathetic than wanting a PS5 and Netflix.

Maybe guys like Jayden didn’t get to heaven anyway, so it didn’t matter.

His eyes stung with tears, and he wondered if any of the brothers’ previous victims had begged to go home, or if, like Jayden, they’d never had one either.