Weathering the Storm by Brynn Paulin

 

 

 

Chapter Fifteen

~ Heller ~

I stared at the ceiling of my shitty apartment, wishing I wasn’t here, but knowing I couldn’t be at Becca’s when she got back, I’d come home. This place didn’t seem to fit me anymore. How quickly I’d gotten used to Becca’s, but the truth was, this was where I lived. It was all I’d been able to afford until now. Things would change when I got to college. I had full-ride scholarships, and I intended to work, but I’d also managed to secure student loans for extra living expenses. On the far end of law school, I’d be stuck with debt, but at least I’d be able to get there without three jobs and no sleep.

Uncertainty plagued me, though. Now that I’d asked the question of Becca, the path I’d been so sure of seemed obscured from view. How would we manage? I knew she wouldn’t cheat, and neither would I, but was that fair? To make her put her life on hold?

My chest ached, tight with pain over the inevitability. My desperate reaction to her friends’ teasing shamed me. I wasn’t some controlling asshole, no matter how dominant I could be in bed or how much Becca liked my commanding during sex. I shouldn’t have reacted that way.

My cellphone rang, and I automatically picked it up. Before she’d left, I’d told Becca to call me if she had too much to drink and shouldn’t be driving. I’d take a cab there and drive her home in her car.

“Where are you?” she asked.

“Home.”

“I’m home. You’re not here.”

“I’m at my place.” She’d hit it on the head. My home wasn’t here anymore, either. It was with her. And wasn’t that just one more facet of my problem? Because I had several, and it seemed they were about to be aired tonight.

“Why?”

I shrugged, not that she could see it. “Maybe, I’m tired of being a secret. I came back to my apartment where I can be me. I know you’re ashamed of me. I know that. And I am who I am. I might not have great things or a ton of money, but I’m going places with my life. It’s not fair of you to make me feel less than.”

“Where is this coming from?” she breathed. “I’ve never been ashamed of you or thought you were less. You’re amazing. You inspire people with how hard you’ve grappled to get where you are. I’m proud of you. You know that.”

“I don’t.” I swallowed hard, my heart screaming against what I was about to do. “Maybe, it’s just best to end things now, you know? Like you reminded me, I’m leaving soon. And where did we think things are going? In a month, I’m going to be at least ten hours away. I mean…I guess that would make it easier to keep me a secret. Right? But I don’t want to be a secret anymore. Becca, you… You were always everything to me. Before we even met, but I can’t hide out in your bedroom anymore.”

She protested, but I was already hanging up. Maybe, I hadn’t been such a dumbass before when I’d told her no. Now, I’d only made things worse for both of us by stringing this along. I loved that woman, even if she didn’t know it, but I couldn’t do this to either of us for one more day.

“It’s better for you this way, Becca,” I told my darkened ceiling. “I’ll always love you, but this is better.”

It didn’t feel better, though. It felt like the stupidest thing I’d ever done. But that was my heart speaking, and not my common sense.

Crossing my arms over my chest, I lay there in the dark for a long time, no real thoughts crossing my mind. It was just random blips of nothing. Every time visions of Becca tried to appear, I harshly pushed them away. Soon, the more I pushed, the more they were there.

I groaned, wishing I had a better TV, cable or a video game system so I could lose myself in mindless activity. No such luck. I didn’t even need to study. Instead, my stomach growled, reminding me I hadn’t eaten at Becca’s, and I had no food here.

Forcing myself to my feet, I wandered into my kitchen. Maybe, I had a block of ramen or a granola bar hiding in a cupboard. That would do.

Banging on my door froze me halfway there. That wasn’t a good thing late at night around here. All my lights were off, and I didn’t move, hoping anyone out there would just go away.

“Heller!” an irate female voice bellowed. Jesus, she was pissed.

“What the fuck!” I exclaimed and raced to the door. I whipped it open, dragged her inside then slammed the door, relocking it. “Jesus Christ, Becca! What the hell are you doing? You can’t be out around here in the middle of the night.”

Fuck, a woman like her shouldn’t be out by herself in this neighborhood, ever. Especially not in that dress. Terror chilled me as I realized what could have happened to her because she stomped her little ass over here.

I flipped on the overhead light so she could see how angry I was. “Are you trying to get killed? Worse?”

Not answering, Becca looked around, seeing my apartment for the first time. Apparently, now that she’d gotten me to answer, her anger had drained. Or maybe that was caused by her new view of my reality. Her teeth sank into her lip as she glanced at everything. I followed her gaze, taking in my junk once more. It wasn’t as if it were in a new light to me. I’d always known its status. But right now, it was also dusty from me not being here.

“Don’t you dare pity me,” I said through my teeth. “I could afford more stuff, but I had to set priorities and make choices.” It wasn’t one-hundred percent true, but I had made getting wheels a priority. I was picking up my two-year-old SUV in a couple days.

“I don’t.”

I scoffed. “I can see what you’re thinking.”

Becca glared at me, her hands on her hips, anger returning in a fury. “What I’m thinking is, my boyfriend broke up with me today. What I’m thinking is, I’m not sure how to handle it. I was all in for us, as all in as I could be without getting fired. You know why things were the way they were. But maybe, you didn’t think of all the repercussions. The most important one is, if I get fired, I’ll have to pull a meteorology job someplace else in the country. I know I could get one, but I’ll probably be a lot farther away from you. This secrecy…? I hate it, too, but I’ve been controlling the situation for us.”

“Becca, I don’t need you to control the situation,” I snapped. “I need you to realize that I’m not some kid, playing house. I’m an adult with more adult experience than most people your age. And how are you going to control the situation when I leave for college?”

Her eyes narrowed even more. “I don’t know,” she said, sounding sarcastic. “I’ve been trying to bring that up for weeks, so we can discuss it, but you keep changing the subject or distracting me from it. I’ve been trying to do the grownup thing and get all our cards on the table so decisions can be made.”

I growled, pissed at her choice of the word grownup. I knew it had been deliberate, and it was a low blow. Of course, I’d ended things earlier so she was equally irate.

She also wasn’t wrong. I did make love to Becca to distract her. It had seemed far better than discussing a future where we weren’t together. Maybe if we had talked, I wouldn’t have dived off the deep end and broken up with her tonight.

And here she was, proving we were very bad at breaking up.

Again.

Thank God.

“Maybe, I should just leave,” she said, in contrast to my thoughts. She deflated, the fire seeming to go out of her just when I wanted her to fight for us. Now that she was here, we’d deal with this.

I pulled her tight to my chest. “Maybe, you shouldn’t. It’s not safe out there at night.”

“Yeah. Well…I’m pretty sure you don’t want me here.”

“You’re wrong. And I’m pretty sure you came here to prove I was wrong to push you away, too.” I sighed heavily. “And you’re right. I’m scared, okay? And after this moment, I’ll never admit I said that. But the thing is…”

I took another deep breath while Becca looked up at me. Her eyes were tender, expectant, but not angry and hurt like earlier. She leaned in to me, slightly, and her hands made small circles on my chest while she waited for me to continue speaking.

My fingers cupped her face, my thumb brushing along her cheek. I just needed to touch her, reassure her and myself. “The thing is, for a long time, I’ve had dreams for my life. I’ve always known where I was heading and what I’d do with my future. I knew I’d have to work my ass off. There was one path, and I’d grind myself into the ground to go down it. Nothing was stopping me.”

“And then there was me,” she murmured, grimacing. She squared her shoulders and lifted her chin, waiting for the words she didn’t want to hear. Words she thought would push her away.

“And then there was you,” I agreed with a nod. “But not the way you think. You stepped into my path, and you became part of my purpose. You’re not a roadblock or a distraction, Becca. You’re my why. I just haven’t figured out all the hows yet.”

“Is there a how?”

My brow furrowed, disliking her lack of faith that we could make it. Hypocritical since I’d been thinking that an hour ago. We both had to get our crap together if we were going to make this work.

“There’s always a how. Becca, I’m sorry for earlier. I’m not good at… Well, I’ve never been in a relationship. Even in other parts of my life, it’s been me and only me. My default is to soldier on, on my own. I promise I won’t do that to you again. I’m all in for us.”

“Obviously, I’m not any better at it. I started this because of sex, you know? I never imagined it would be more than that. Maybe, we should try to do less sex and more…not sex.”

I shook my head, even before she was finished speaking.

“Fuck that,” I muttered. I picked her up into my arms and carried her to bed. “It’s time for bed, Becca. I’d rather we were at your apartment, and not here, but I’m holding your sweet body to me the rest of the night. We’ll figure out everything else in the morning—after we make love. At your place.”

We weren’t necessarily on the same page, but as I’d said, we could figure it out.

“Heller, we’re not over, right?” she whispered into the dark as we spooned together minutes later. I refused to have sex with her here. In my mind, it wasn’t good enough for her. But that less fucking she’d suggested. Not happening.

“Never. I’m sorry I was a dumbass. I won’t be again. Not about us being together, anyway. I vow to you, baby. I’m committed. We’ll figure things out. And I want to be inside you. And often. But… I don’t want the bulk of our relationship to be in a bed…or even just in your apartment. That has to end.”

I felt her nod, though I barely heard her whispered reply. “Okay.”

My arms tightened. Since we’d just recommitted to the relationship, I didn’t know why I felt unsettled. I had Becca here with me. We were together.

But I still felt as if this were the beginning of the end. Or the start of the battle of my life.