Not What it Seems by Nicky James

Epilogue

Cyrus

I popped the cork on a fresh bottle of wine and topped off my glass. Sad, pitiful party for one. It had been a rough day. The two hours I’d spent facing the medical licensing board who were responsible for disciplining me for my misconduct in the River Jenkins case had been draining. We’d gone over every aspect of what had happened, revisiting all my poor choices over and over. I’d defended myself the best I could, and now, it was a waiting game while they decided my future.

“We’ll contact you in the morning,” they’d said.

In other words, Good luck sleeping tonight. Go home and stew over your fate.

My license had been temporarily suspended since the whole ordeal had come to an end three weeks ago. It had given me more time than I liked to sit around at home and evaluate my sad existence. If the board’s decision was not in my favor, I planned to go away for a while. Maybe I’d travel to Europe or venture somewhere exotic. My savings account was substantial, and I’d never taken a proper vacation. Maybe it was time.

I flopped onto the couch and kicked my feet up, chuckling at the ridiculousness of the idea. Who was I kidding? If the board came back and told me I was finished practicing psychiatry, I’d probably dig myself a little hole in the backyard, crawl inside, and never come out. I’d thrown my life into my work. If I didn’t have it anymore, what would be the point?

Moody jazz played over the speaker system in the living room and seeped into my skin. I closed my eyes and tipped my head back, once again playing through all my poor decisions and wondering, not for the first time, why I’d taken the path I had. What had driven me to such reckless behavior?

When River’s face materialized in the darkness behind my eyelids, my stomach clenched and heart ached.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

That was me. The fool who’d once again thought there was more between us when there wasn’t. I’d believed those pretty words delivered in a heated and hasty moment while under pressure. I should have known better.

I had known better, but I’d still hoped for a different outcome.

I drew back from the ledge in my mind and forced my thoughts elsewhere. I’d been riding a roller coaster of emotions since coming home. No amount of distraction or self-reprimand helped. I was hopeless.

River was always front and center in my mind, and it hurt to remember the times we’d shared even when I knew they’d been nothing important.

As I’d suspected, he’d never called.

The minute Grant had been arrested and River’s name had been cleared, what we’d shared was over.

I was a gullible idiot.

“I should swear off men for good. They aren’t worth the heartache.” I tipped my wine glass to my mouth, draining a hefty gulp.

A rap at my door gave me a start. I sat upright and checked the time. It was half past eight on a Thursday night. Who would be calling at such a late hour? My parents would be settled in for the night, and it wasn’t like I had a whole lot of close friends who’d swing by without calling first.

Puzzled, I checked my phone, but there was no message or voice mail, and I didn’t think the board’s verdict would be delivered face-to-face. I set my wine down on the coffee table and stood, smoothing the wrinkles from my rumpled T-shirt and running my fingers through my out-of-control hair. I was a mess. After my hearing today, I’d come home and put on jogging pants and an old ratty shirt, not feeling like spending a minute longer in a dress shirt and tie.

I looked like roadkill. My eyes were probably red and puffy from the crying jag I’d had on the way home too.

“What do I care?”

At this point, I wasn’t looking to impress anyone. What was done was done.

I blew out a breath and unlocked the deadbolt. When I tugged the door open, I flinched.

River stood on the other side, balanced on the edge of the stoop like he was ready to walk away, a bouquet of flowers in his hand. He was clean-shaven and dressed in a smart-looking amber polo shirt that brought out the color of his eyes. He’d paired it with dark jeans. His smile was tentative and unsure.

I gaped, too flustered to find the words to say hello. My heart rate skyrocketed, pummeling my chest with bruising force.

“Hi,” he said, shuffling his weight and spinning back to face me. “I wasn’t sure you were home. Um… These are for you.” He thrust out the bouquet.

I took the flowers, the shock of seeing River rendering me mute. I glanced from the bouquet to River to the bouquet. I buried my nose in them and inhaled. No one had ever bought me flowers before. “Um… Thank you.”

The moment was painfully awkward.

River shoved his hands into his pockets and rocked on his feet. “I know it’s been a while.”

“Three weeks.”

River’s smile was soft and laced with guilt. “Yeah. Three weeks, but I’ve had a lot of stuff to take care of. It’s remarkable what changes when you get accused of murder and thrown in jail. Life is not the same when you get out.” He chuckled but sobered fast and nodded beyond me. “Are you busy?”

“Um…” I glanced at the flowers again then back into the house. “No. I was”—I sighed—“having a pity party for one, wine, greasy takeout, and sad music mostly, but you’re welcome to join me.”

“Sounds very emo.”

We both chuckled. “I… don’t actually know what that means.”

River’s grin widened. “I’m not surprised.”

“Please, come on in.”

River followed me inside. In the kitchen, I found a vase and filled it with water before spending far too much time arranging the flowers inside. River watched from the doorway.

When I’d wasted enough time and it was obvious I was fidgeting, I dropped my hands to my sides. “Can I get you some wine?”

“No thanks. I’d like to do this with a level head. I’m a bit nervous.”

“This?”

We faced each other, the mounting tension ringing in my ears. If he wasn’t accepting the offered drink, maybe he wasn’t staying. He’d come to deliver flowers and let me down easy.

Why come at all?

“How are you doing?” River asked.

I shrugged. “Not so great. Shitty, actually. I had a disciplinary hearing today. Got to revisit all the ways I fucked up. I’m just waiting to see if I still have a license. Fingers crossed.” I indicated the bottles of wine lined up on the counter. “Like I said, mainly having a pity party and wondering where I went wrong and what I’m going to do with my life when this is all over.” I scratched the back of my neck and chanced looking up, meeting River’s eyes. “What brings you to St. Catherines?”

“You.”

“Oh.”

River chuckled and came into the kitchen. I didn’t realize I’d pressed myself back against the counter and had wrapped my arms around my middle until he tugged a hand free and held it. His was warm and familiar.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner, and I know your head has probably made this all into something it’s not.”

I waved the suggestion off. “Nah. To be honest, I haven’t even thought about you.”

“Cyrus Irvine, you are a shitty liar.”

I ducked my chin. “I know.”

River brushed his thumb over the top of my hand and gave it a tug. “Listen. I’ve been dealing with the fallout of this whole mess. It’s been overwhelming. I finally got a lawyer, and she’s taking care of it for the most part, but it’s going to be a while before it’s over. I had to find a new job and convince my landlord I was not a felon so I could stay in the building. On top of that, I’ve decided to get to know my dad a bit.”

My eyes widened, and I lifted my head, meeting River’s. “Really?”

River’s smile shone. “Yeah. Weird, right? I don’t know why. I thought you’d have a blast telling me the psychology behind that decision. Maybe you wanna cut my brain open and dissect it. Clearly, I’m pretty fucked up.”

I couldn’t fight off the grin. “No, you’re not.”

An awkward pause surrounded us. River wet his lips and looked down at our joined hands for a moment before coming to some decision. He cleared his throat. “I had this whole speech prepared, but I can’t remember a single thing now, so I’m going to wing it. Bear with me. Cy, I came here because… I wanted to know if you’d like to go on a date with me.”

His gaze lifted to mine, and the sincerity behind his words was coupled with fear. “You have every right to say no. I’m not exactly cream of the crop. My mother’s a drug-addicted retired whore, and my father has a sex addiction, so he’s not much better.” River shuddered and laughed. “My half brother is a serial killer, who was once your ex and who tried to frame me for murder, so yeah, if you don’t want anything to do with me, I get it. Those aren’t winning qualities. The thing is…”

He blew out a breath, released my hand, and ran his fingers through his hair. “Wow. This is way harder than I thought. My heart is racing so hard right now. I did practice this.”

“You’re doing great.”

And he was. Only when he got himself composed did River face me again. The whole time he spoke, he looked deep into my eyes, into my soul. “I’ve never been in a relationship before. I’ve never wanted to be in one. To be honest, the idea scared me a little. I built this shield around my heart years ago so no one could ever get in and hurt me. The people I was supposed to be able to count on in my life were never there, so it was easier to keep a distance. Then you came along. I’ll be honest, I felt something for you back in May, and it freaked me out. It was why I didn’t text you back. When we met up again, that connection was still there, and it grew bigger and bigger until I didn’t know what to do. It was scary, but it was also exhilarating. Now, I’m not a psychologist like you, so I don’t—”

“Psychiatrist.”

River’s brows winged up, and he laughed. “Really? Right now, when I’m bearing my heart, you need to jump in and start a fight?”

“There’s nothing to fight about. I’m just correcting the error. Go on.”

River gaped. Without warning, he stalked forward and pressed me against the counter. His forehead collided with mine, and his voice dropped to a rumbling whisper. “I just drove all the way here from London to tell you I’m in love with you, and that’s what I get?”

My jaw hit the ground. “What?”

River chuckled and tucked a finger under my chin, drawing me closer so he could nip at my lips.

“Did you just say what I think you said?” My words were muffled against his mouth.

“Depends.” He pecked my lips again. “Do you think I said I love you?”

“Yeah. That’s what it sounded like, but it’s possible I’ve lost touch with reality and my sanity is slipping. A lot has happened, and I may not have—”

River crushed our mouths together, deepening our connection until his kiss radiated through my whole body. “Then you heard what I said.”

“But—”

He pressed his mouth to mine. I melted under his touch when he glided both hands to my nape and took two firm fists full of my curls.

“Say it again,” I begged.

He broke the kiss and peered deep into my eyes. “I love you, Cyrus Irvine. Maybe you want to argue that I don’t know what love is, but let me tell you something. I’ve spent three weeks unable to get you off my mind. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t think. You’re in my head twenty-four-seven, and I’ve been aching to see you, to talk to you, to be with you. I couldn’t go another day without you. This is new for me, but if that’s not love, I don’t know what love is. I’ve never felt this way before. I dream about you at night. I’ve longed to touch you and kiss you again. I’m probably going to make mistakes. I’m far from perfect, but I promise you, I will never take you for granted. I will never treat you like Grant treated you. I treasure all the quirky things that make you who you are. I want to help you overcome your insecurities, help you build trust and confidence, and heal from the abuse that man put you through. I want to show you how beautiful you are inside and out and how strong you can be. And I will do my best to ensure you know every day just how loved you are. Will you please be my boyfriend? Nothing would make me happier.”

I whimpered, which was the least coherent response I could have given, but River smiled.

“I adore you,” he said, caressing my cheeks.

“I love you,” I squeaked, barely able to form the words.

We were kissing again. He held me close, tucking me into his arms like I was precious and he needed me there.

His words floated inside my head, and I heard them over and over again.

“Will you take me to bed?” I asked against his mouth. “Will you make love to me like you did at the motel the last time?”

River pecked my lips one final time and pulled back. “I was going to take you to dinner.”

“I already ate. Greasy takeout and too much wine, remember? Pity party for one. Please. I need you. I want you.”

“Anything for you. Lead the way.”

* * *

The following morning, I was woken by my phone ringing. It blasted into the silent room, jarring me from a deep sleep. I rolled to retrieve it from my nightstand, only to collide with a warm, naked body. River. A wash of memories from the previous night surfaced, and I smiled.

He grunted and rolled, wrapping me in his arms and burying his face in my neck. “Where are you going?”

“My phone is ringing.”

“Ignore it.”

“I can’t. They’re supposed to call about their decision this morning.”

River pulled back and must have seen the worry on my face. He grabbed my phone and handed it to me. I lay back down and exhaled a long breath before accepting the call.

“Hello?”

“Good morning, Dr. Irvine. It’s Perry Viscount. The board has made a decision, and I’m happy to report that following a three-month suspension, you will be able to practice once again.”

Tears flooded my eyes, and I glanced at River, who was watching me attentively.

“Thank you, sir.”

“There will be a fine as well as professional development you will be required to attend. I will email you the details.”

I thanked him three more times before getting off the phone.

“So?” River asked hopefully.

“I get to keep practicing. Or I will in a few months.”

River rolled on top of me, pinning me under his weight. His smile was brilliant. He kissed the tears running down my face. “I’m so happy for you. I wasn’t sure I would ever forgive myself if they dismissed you.”

A weight had lifted from my shoulders, and I could breathe again. I couldn’t wait to call my parents and let them know. Then a thought occurred to me.

“Do you have to head home today?” I asked.

“Nope. I start this new job at a call center next week, so I still have a few days off. Why? Anything special you want to do? I’m all yours.”

“Do you want to have breakfast with my parents?”

River’s eyes widened. “Isn’t it a bit soon?”

“Nope.”

“Are you sure? What if they don’t think I’m good enough for you?”

“They don’t get to choose who I date. They don’t get to choose who I love. They’re good people. They’ll like you. I swear.”

River nuzzled my neck, inhaling. “Seems fair, I guess. You met my parents. I’m sorry for that, by the way.”

I chuckled. “Stop it. Maybe in the future, I can meet your dad again under different circumstances.”

“I’d like that.”

We didn’t go far. Neither of us was in a hurry to break the connection. We lay in each other’s arms, absorbing the moment for a long time. The world could wait.

 

The End