At First Hate by K.A. Linde

Harvard

September 13, 2013

The doorbell rang.

“I got it. I got it. I got it!” I called before Derek could get off of the couch.

He laughed and got to his feet.

I swung the front door open, and Josie stood in the doorway, looking as utterly glamorous as always. We both shrieked, throwing our arms around each other and swaying side to side.

“I missed you so much,” I told her.

“Same. So much.”

I released her and pulled back. “You look amazing.”

She laughed. “Thanks. I love this,” she said, touching my green dress. Her eyes swept to Derek. “And this!”

“Hey, Josie,” he said.

She wrapped him in a hug, forgoing his offered hand. “This is the best taste you’ve ever had, Mars.”

I shook my head.

But Derek quirked a smile. “I couldn’t agree more.”

“Now, are there bars around here or what? My flight sucked. I had to have three vodka tonics to fight my nerves, and if I don’t start drinking again, I’m going to lose my buzz.”

I rolled my eyes. “So dramatic.”

“We know just the place,” Derek said with a laugh.

That was Josie. She entered any room and owned it. I loved her for it and envied her just as much.

She dropped her bags in the living room, and we were out the door ten minutes later, heading out to one of the Cambridge dive bars. It wasn’t going to be Josie’s scene, but I didn’t care. She had come here for me, not glamour.

We stepped inside the already-crowded bar, claiming a booth near the back. Derek disappeared a minute later to procure us drinks.

Josie looked around with a dirty grin on her face. “If I wasn’t married, I could have so much fun here.”

I snorted. “Classic Josie.”

“Well, I am who I am.” She tapped her electric-turquoise manicure against the hardwood table. “And you? You’re happy? He’s one hunk of a man.”

“I am. We are.”

I found Derek at the bar. Some girl had gone up to him and was clearly flirting. He put distance between them, and from my vantage point, he politely turned her down.

“How do you keep him on a string? Martin is…” Josie waved her hand.

I snapped my eyes back to her. She’d only married Martin eight months ago. Was it already going poorly?

“Is he cheating on you?” I asked, my voice lowering.

“No, of course not!” She laughed. “It’s just Hollywood, you know?” She looked at my blank face. “Or maybe you don’t. He has a lot of fans, and they’re pretty aggressive. The spotlight isn’t always the best place to be.”

“I can imagine. Derek gets a lot of attention just because he’s Derek. I don’t know if I could handle fans.”

Josie patted my hand. “You couldn’t.”

I swatted at her. “Bitch.”

She cackled. “I missed you so much. I need more time with people who will call me out on my bullshit.”

“That’s very clear.”

Derek came back then, balancing three drinks in his large hands. He passed Josie a beer and me a sidecar. He winked. “I told them how you like it.”

I flushed and took a sip of the drink. “It’s perfect.”

“Stop. You’re adorable,” Josie said.

Derek slipped into the booth next to me. He took a sip of his beer and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “We try.”

“Well, at least someone can make my girl happy. I never thought I’d see the day,” Josie said.

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Dramatic,” Josie corrected. “It’s part of my job.”

“Didn’t you just win an Emmy?” Derek asked, changing the subject.

Josie arched an eyebrow. “Did you Google me?”

“Maybe.”

I rolled my eyes. “I suppose you’re perfectly Google-able.”

“That I am,” Josie said with a wink. “And yes. Best actress actually.”

“Congrats,” Derek said. “Quite an accomplishment. And this is the third year of Academy?”

“Correct.”

“You and your costar finally going to hook up?” He leaned forward for the scoop.

She snorted. “Ship has already sailed.”

The biggest part of Academy, the supernatural show that Josie had premiered, was the will-they, won’t-they between her and her costar. Especially considering she’d married him at Christmas, everyone was wondering when they’d finally get hot and heavy on the show.

“Not on-screen,” he pointed out.

“A girl never kisses and tells.”

I nudged her. “Liar.”

“I mean, obviously,” she said with a laugh. “I’ll just say, the tension is hot on set.”

“On and off set,” I said into my drink.

“Touché!” she cheered.

A few girls scurried over then. The boldest of them stepped forward and cleared her throat. “Sorry, I couldn’t help but overhear you discussing the show Academy?” She said it more like a question. “Are you… are you Cassie Herrington?”

Cassie Herrington was Josie’s character’s name on Academy.

Her friend giggled. “Josephine Reynolds,” she corrected.

Josie’s eyes revealed to me how much she hadn’t wanted this to happen. But it was just a split second of annoyance, stripped away so quickly that no one else would have ever seen it. A smile split her face, and she nodded.

“That’s me. Are you fans?”

“Huge fans!” the first girl gushed.

The second nodded. “I can’t believe you eloped with Martin Harper!”

“He’s the hottest,” a third piped up. “I love him as Cord!”

Derek and I watched in awe as she handled all three of the girls, taking a few pictures, signing a napkin, and then sending them on their way.

Josie plopped back down in the seat as if nothing had happened. “What were we talking about?”

“Damn, you’re famous,” Derek said with a chuckle.

“It’s a pain sometimes,” she admitted. “But gotta love the fans. They got me here.” She flipped her dark hair over her shoulder as if that was done with. “So, tell me all about you, Derek. Mars is so tight-lipped.”

I didn’t want to admit why that was as Derek dived into an explanation about what he did for a living. After graduating in May, Derek had decided to stay on with his advisor to be a legal researcher. We’d spent every day together all summer—lost on his sailboat along the Charles River, sneaking kisses in the Law Library, him bringing me food in the lab. It was easy. Tinged with a worry I couldn’t ignore or get rid of.

My anxiety was driving me crazy. Misty had laughed at me. She said it was just the first real relationship I’d ever had. Real being the operative word because every other guy I’d dated had gone up in flames. Derek was my constant. Somehow, it should have made it easier. But no matter how effortless it was to be with him, I couldn’t brush aside what had happened to us in college. The words he’d said to me, the pain of his loss.

Everything had changed when he took care of me after Gramps died. And nothing had.

I was his.

That should have been enough.

Derek smiled over at me, pausing in his conversation with Josie. “What?”

“Nothing,” I said automatically.

“That’s not a nothing face,” he probed.

“Come on, Mars. We’re having a good time,” Josie teased. “Sometimes, I think you’re the mysterious one.”

I laughed. “Yeah, right.”

“Yeah… we both know it’s Lila.”

“That’s how she always has those two boys falling all over themselves for her,” I said.

“Too true,” Josie agreed. “I wish she were here this weekend with us.”

I glanced down at my drink again. Oh boy. Here we go.

Josie cocked her head at me. “Why isn’t she here with us, Mars?”

“Uh…”

Derek shot me a pointed look. “Marley hasn’t told her we’re dating.”

“What?” Josie gasped. “Why not? That’s absurd. She’s been your bestie since second grade.”

“She’s… busy,” I offered lamely.

Derek threw up his hands. “Maybe you can talk some sense into her. She’s been saying that all summer.”

“She is busy,” I said. “PT school is very demanding, and she had that internship all summer. I think she was working even more than during the school year, which I hadn’t thought was possible.”

Josie gave me a blank look that would mean nothing to anyone else, but I knew all too well that it meant she was trying to keep her cool. She was mad at me for not telling Lila. It was one thing to keep it a secret from Lila before we were officially dating, but it was another thing to purposely not tell her.

I’d had the opportunity at the funeral to divulge it all, but it had been so precarious. So unknown still. I hadn’t wanted to ruin it by letting anyone know what was really going on. Only Gran had that information. But it was beyond that now… and we all knew it.

“I’m going to get us more drinks,” Derek said.

It wasn’t the first time he’d gotten irritated that Lila didn’t know. And I was going to tell her… I was.

“Marley,” Josie said slowly.

“I know. I know. I’ll tell her.”

“Will you?”

I bit my lip. “I don’t know.”

“Tell me what’s going on here. You like Derek, right?”

“Yes.”

“And he’s really into you. I can tell.”

“Yeah.”

“So, what’s the problem?”

I shook my head. I wished that I could explain it. Explain the fear that gripped me. I’d lost him once. I’d lost him before he was ever really mine to begin with. And at some point, I’d have to put my trust in him that he wasn’t going to go anywhere. I just hadn’t gotten there yet. He’d broken something fragile in me. I didn’t know how to put it back together. And telling Lila would change it. That was what my gut told me, and my gut was always right.

“You’re scared,” Josie said intuitively. She gripped my wrist and leaned in. “Because it’s not real until Lila knows, is it?”

A tear welled in my eye, and I brushed it aside. “I guess not.”

“You can’t do this. It’s no way to live, Marley.”

“Not everyone can easily throw their feelings around like you and Lila,” I said, pulling back. “I don’t want to be hurt.”

“That’s part of life.”

“He already hurt me once.”

Josie narrowed her eyes. “But you’re with him again anyway. It’s not fair to hold it over him like that. You either move on from what happened in the past or you leave him. That’s it, Mars.”

“I know,” I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut. I couldn’t lose him. I was holding on so tight and too loosely at the same goddamn time. “I know, okay?”

Josie nodded, rubbing my shoulder. “You know why you’re freaking out, right?”

“Why?”

“Because you love him.”

Derek returned at that very moment with a tray of shots. So, I never got to confirm the words that had left Josie’s mouth. But her soft smile said that she knew she’d hit the nail on the head.

I was in love with Derek Ballentine. And I didn’t want to be.