Jerk It by Lani Lynn Vale

CHAPTER 24

Everything I ate this weekend? We’re going to pretend that didn’t happen.

-Mavis to Murphy

MURPHY

I would like to say that after that day where they cleared the clot from my brain, shit got better.

But it didn’t.

Because a little after that day, I contracted an infection that nearly took my life for a third time, and this time, I was asked to have no visitors due to the nature of the infection.

Meaning, it was a long, hard four weeks after things finally settled down enough for me to be moved out of the ICU, and the hospital altogether.

Though, Mavis didn’t know that I was out of the hospital just yet.

In fact, neither did my mother.

I wasn’t sure really how I was going to get this particular thing past them—I mean, it wasn’t like I could drive yet, nor did I have a car here—which led me to sitting on my ass in my room, looking at my phone, wondering whose day I should interrupt.

Mavis, I knew, had gone to work out for the first time in six weeks. And I didn’t want her to have to stop her workout to come get me—even though I knew that she would. In a heartbeat.

My mother was finally back at work, and I didn’t want to call her and interrupt her day because I’d finally convinced them to give me some breathing room that day, without knowing that I would need a ride home later in the evening.

But I was taking the out while I could get it.

Dr. Battle declared me well enough to recuperate the rest of the time at home, and I was taking it.

I had a list of prescriptions in my hand, and when to take them. I also had a rather massive bag of prescriptions that I would be required to take for the rest of my life right next to that list.

I also had an extremely large duffle bag that I knew I wouldn’t be able to carry—I still had at least four weeks before I was allowed to carry anything more than a bag of flour, according to Dr. Battle.

And I was lost on who to call for help. It wasn’t like Paris, Texas had Uber.

Which led me to texting Taos of all people.

Taos answered immediately—we’d become fairly good friends outside of the gym thanks to both being married to Pope sisters—and said he’d ‘get me a ride.’

I hadn’t expected that ride to come in the form of a man that had practically been haunting my dreams for the last six weeks.

I blinked as I stared at Madden.

I swallowed hard and stood up, my heart—his son’s heart—beating away a mile a minute inside of my chest.

“Madden,” I croaked.

Madden stared at me, looking a little lost for a second, before offering me a welcoming smile.

“Hey,” he said, voice raspy. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I thought I might try to come up a few times, but each time I worked up the courage, you weren’t allowed visitors.”

I pressed my hand against my stolen heart as I said, “I…”

“It’s awkward as fuck, I know.” Madden cleared his throat. “Let’s just clear the air, okay? I’m not mad at you. I, better than anyone in the world, know what my son did and what he was risking. He followed in my footsteps. I just want you to know that you shouldn’t feel guilty, okay?”

His son had done some commendable things in his short life span.

I’d been witness to some of them over the last year of life.

I’d read about the others in the short newspaper article that’d been written up about him.

Even more, I hated that I would miss this kid for the rest of my life.

The day that Jasper had been killed, I couldn’t remember.

Apparently, I’d literally been on my death bed.

I had no memory of Mavis getting me to the hospital on her own. I had no memory of the first week, honestly.

One day, I’d woken up, and I’d had a new lease on life thanks to the death of Jasper.

That had been explained to me by a nurse. At least the full story of it, anyway.

I knew, on a visceral level, that Jasper had been wherever I’d been with me.

I knew that he was in a place that nobody could understand, and that he was in a much better place.

If anyone knew, it was me.

“I’m not sure that I’ll ever be able to force myself not to feel guilty,” I admitted. “Not when I’ll be seeing you, and be reminded of it, on a daily basis.”

I did and always would. There was no doubt in my mind.

It wouldn’t matter what he said, to be honest. I would continue to feel guilty because he’d literally had his son taken from him, while I had my life given back to me.

How was that fair?

“You can say that I shouldn’t feel guilty all you want…” I hesitated, and Madden chuckled. “I don’t even have the words, man.”

And I didn’t.

I’d been thinking a lot lately about how lucky I was to find a heart, and how unlucky that I was to find a heart that belonged to someone that not only had I known, but I’d counted as a friend.

I’d miss Jasper.

I’d miss him even more now that I knew what he’d left me behind.

“I don’t think that you need the words. I can tell, just looking at you, that you’re just as broken as I am about it. Now,” he cleared his throat. “I hear you need a ride home?”

“Actually,” I hesitated, not sure how to say it, but deciding that I needed to say it anyway. “I need to go to the gym and find my wife. I want to see her…it’s been a long few weeks.”

Madden’s lips twitched. “I’m glad she found you, man.”

I tilted my head. “You never really had feelings for her, did you?”

“Did I find her beautiful? Yes. Did I want to date her? Sure. Did I want to spend the rest of my life with her?” He hesitated. “There are things about me that not even my own kids know. Knew.” He swallowed hard. “They were too young to know but…I’m really fucked up. I just don’t think that I’ll ever be able to be a normal person that has normal relationships.”

I had a feeling that I would hurt him if I pushed that line of thought. So instead of continuing to question him, I said, “I’m glad that you left her for me, then.”

Madden’s eyes lost that darkness for a few long seconds as he said, “And I’m sorry, but delivering a baby like you did is beyond my scope of heroicness. You did good, man.”

I rolled my eyes. “I did what I had to. And you would have, too.” I paused. “I’m never going to bring it up again unless you do, but thank you. Thank you, even though you’re not really the one to thank.”

Madden’s eyes filled with understanding. “I miss my kid. But I’m glad that you’re here.”

Together we walked out of the hospital.

Me with the heart of his son beating away in my chest. Him with his heart proverbially ripped out now that his son was gone.