Outrageously in Love by Jen Morris

13

Battery Operated Boyfriend.

“Alex,” I say, staring at the sex-toy on the shelf in front of me with a frown, “when I asked you to help find me a date for your wedding, this is not what I meant.” I turn to look at her. “Why are we here?”

She grins, glancing at Cat and Geoff beside me. After two days in “the writing cave” as she calls it, Alex decided she’d done enough work for the time being, and brought me out to see some of her favorite places in the city.

Apparently, one of her favorite places is a sex shop in the East Village called O-Land. If I’d known that when we left the house this morning, I can assure you I would have protested.

“You said you want to try new things,” Alex explains. “I still can’t believe you dyed your hair! It looks so good.”

Geoff nods vigorously. “It really does.”

“Anyway,” Alex continues, “that made me wonder what else would get you out of your comfort zone, and I thought you might find something here.” She gestures to a row of multi-colored vibrators on a stand beside us.

I glance between the three of them, all watching me with interest, and shift my weight. What are they expecting me to do? Wander over and flick one on, give it a whirl?

Look, it’s not like I haven’t been in an adult store before. Steph dragged me to one in Auckland once. I just didn’t, you know, buy anything.

“Well… thanks,” I mumble. I’m trying my best to act mature and knowledgeable, to show how at ease I am in this type of environment, but I can feel the flush on my neck.

Geoff wanders off to survey some devices along one wall, and Cat disappears to the lingerie section. When I turn back to Alex, she takes my arm and steers me towards the row of vibrators. I had no idea my sister was so comfortable in sex shops. But then I think about the sex in her romance novel and bite my cheek. She’s pretty comfortable all-round in this arena.

“See anything you like?” she asks, motioning to the display. Far from trying to embarrass me, she actually seems to be wanting to help.

I shrug, looking at the vibrators. They’re all different colors and sizes, but some of the shapes have me a little perplexed. There’s the standard, erm, anatomical style, but then there are these curved ones shaped like the letter C, and some have a little bit that sticks out the side. I think I know what those are for, but the curved ones have me flummoxed. Who has a vagina shaped like that? Should my vagina be shaped like that? No one has complained about the shape before, but gazing at these curved devices I suddenly wonder if I’ve got some kind of defective vagina.

No, that doesn’t make any sense, does it? Otherwise guys would, well, they’d have to be that C shape. And we all know they’re not.

“What about this?” Alex picks up one with a little bit sticking out. “A rabbit.”

“What?”

She hands it to me and I tentatively lift it up to inspect it. The shaft of it is long and thick, covered in a silicon-type material that is blue and glittery. The bit that sticks out is shaped like a bunny-rabbit, with a little face and ears and everything. Poor bloody rabbit, being shoved face-first down there.

I shake my head, handing it back. “No. I cannot masturbate with a plastic rabbit,” I say matter-of-factly, and Alex snickers.

Bunnies aside, I will admit part of me is curious. I think back to what Steph said on the phone the other night—you know you can give yourself one, right?—but then I remember the handful of failed attempts in the past and push the idea aside. Besides, it’s not the orgasm I’m craving, it’s… something else. Someone else.

“Ooh, this one comes with a remote control,” Alex says, gesturing to a bright pink one.

“Remote control?” I repeat, bemused. Why on earth would I want a remote control? It’s not like I’ll need to switch it on from the other room or something.

“Oh my God.” Alex clamps a hand over her mouth in an attempt to suppress her mirth. “Look at this.” She reaches for a box up on a shelf. There’s a picture of John Stamos on the front and I take it from her, squinting at the image. John Stamos makes vibrators now? That can’t be right.

I read the description aloud to Alex. “Anatomically modeled on John Stamos. An exact replica of John Stamos for your pleasure.”

Alex howls with laughter and Geoff and Cat appear beside us, dissolving into giggles when I hold the box up in disbelief.

“You have to get that,” Alex says, wiping tears from her eyes. “Didn’t you used to love John Stamos?”

“No, I didn’t love John Stamos. I liked Full House.” I mean, what nineties kid didn’t? And besides, I always thought Bob Saget was more handsome, if I’m honest. But I’m hardly going to tell Alex that.

“Full House?” Cat frowns in confusion. “Aren’t you a little young for that?”

Alex shakes her head, grinning. “We had these VHS tapes of the show that Harriet used to watch over and over. She had such a crush on John Stamos.”

I huff, exasperated. “I did not—”

“Wait,” Geoff says, leaning over to scrutinize the box with sudden interest. “Do you think this is actually modeled on him? Like, did he make a mold of his—”

“I don’t think so, Geoff.” Cat chuckles. “It’s a gimmick.” She points to the bottom of the box where there’s small text in a language I don’t recognize. Yeah, this is definitely not official John Stamos merchandise.

I reach to put the box back but before I can, Alex snatches it from my hand and wheels around, heading for the counter. “I’m getting this for you,” she calls over her shoulder.

“What? No!” I trail after her but she’s already handing her credit card across to the salesperson.

“Oh, come on! I wanted to thank you for helping with the wedding, and now, John Stamos can help you.” She waggles her eyebrows and chortles at her own joke. Before the sales assistant can even wrap the item, Alex hands it to me with a flourish. “Enjoy!”

I stare at her outstretched hand, recoiling. But she thrusts the box towards me and I stuff it in my bag, trying to ignore my burning cheeks. “Thanks… I guess.”

When we exit the store, to say I’m relieved is an understatement. “Where are we going next?” I ask Alex warily as we step onto the sidewalk. “A strip club? Or maybe a pole-dancing class?”

“That sounds fun,” Cat says and Alex laughs.

“Oh, shit.” She reaches into her bag and pulls out her phone, looking at the screen. “I have to take this. I might be a minute.” She steps away and Geoff turns to me with a smile.

“You seem to be feeling better today. Have you sorted things out with that guy, then?”

Cat glances between us. “What guy?”

“No one,” I mumble. Geoff gives me a knowing look and I sigh. “Okay, there was someone, but nothing is happening. Even if—” I pause, eying them both. I cannot reveal any details about Luke; these are Alex’s best friends.

“Even if?” Geoff prompts.

“Even if… I sort of wish there were.” Oh God, what’s wrong with me? I’m supposed to be angry with Luke about this mess we’re in, so why am I still letting myself replay our time on the plane in an endless loop through my head? I’ve tried to stop but it’s a losing battle. Yesterday I saw a different side to him—a geeky, color-coding, book-and-game-loving side I didn’t know was there—and it’s making things difficult.

“I knew it!” Geoff leans closer, lowering his voice conspiratorially. “Spill.”

A laugh chuffs out of me. “Okay, fine.” I glance to check that Alex is out of earshot. “There’s this guy I kind of like, even though he’s off-limits.”

“Right. First up, define ‘kind of like,’” Geoff says.

I chew my lip, watching a passing car as I think of the way I get all hot and flustered whenever I’m around Luke. “I can’t stop thinking about him,” I mutter. “Every time I see him—”

“So he’s here in the city?” Cat interrupts.

Shit. I’ve said too much.

Geoff lifts an eyebrow. “How do you know him?”

Shit, shit, shit. I’ve definitely said too much.

“Oh, well…” My heart is stammering now as I steal a glance at Alex. She’s engrossed in a heated conversation on her phone and I turn back to the others. How can I explain this? How on earth would I know a guy over here? Unless… “It’s the guy from the plane.”

“Oh!” A wicked grin splits Geoff’s face. “Mister hot plane lover.”

I blush furiously.

“So, what’s the problem?” Cat asks. “What do you mean he’s off-limits?”

I fold my arms across my chest and study the sidewalk. There’s no way I’m going to tell them that the guy I shagged on the plane turned out to be married. God knows what they’d think of me if they knew that. And that’s before we get to the fact that he’s Michael’s brother and the best man at their wedding.

God. I should never have said anything.

“It’s… complicated,” I say, to borrow Luke’s woefully inadequate terminology. I remind myself of my decision to prioritize Alex and the wedding, and straighten up. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter. That’s not why I’m here.”

Geoff grins. “No reason you can’t still see him.”

I shake my head. “No, Alex needs to come first.” Thinking of Alex, I glance at them in alarm. “Please don’t say anything to her. I don’t want her to think—”

“We won’t.” Cat gives me a reassuring smile. “It sounds like there isn’t much to tell, anyway.”

I exhale. “No, there isn’t.”

“We’ll see,” Geoff says with a wink.

I look back just as Alex shoves her phone into her bag. Then she heads over to us, her expression twisted with worry.

“Everything okay?” I ask.

“No.” She massages her temples and my stomach dips. I step closer, touching her arm.

“What is it? What happened?”

“That was my editor. Remember how I was glad she could fit me in a few weeks after the wedding? Well, I got that wrong. Turns out she can only fit me in if I send her the manuscript in a week and a half.”

I blink in shock. “A week and a half?”

“Yep.” Her face crumples and she slumps down onto the steps of O-Land, dropping her head into her hands. “I can’t do this. I can’t finish a novel, plan a wedding, show my sister the city…”

My heart clenches and I sit beside her. “Hey, don’t worry about me. I’m here to help you, not be a burden.”

She looks up, sniffing. “I know. I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant.”

Cat leans against the stair railing. “Could you work with a different editor?”

“I’ve already paid her.” Alex wipes her nose. “It was my mistake. I’ve been so distracted with the wedding that I got the date wrong.”

“You said you only had a quarter of the book to finish, right?” Geoff asks. “Can you do that in a week and a half?”

“Normally yes, but with everything else—”

“Don’t worry about everything else.” I squeeze her arm. “I don’t need to go sightseeing. Seriously, it’s not…” I trail off, unsure how to explain that I’m actually relieved at the thought of not visiting Times Square or the Empire State Building with throngs of tourists.

Her forehead creases. “But I promised you, Harri.”

“I really don’t mind. I’m here for you. That’s what matters. And as for the wedding stuff…” I swallow, knowing that if she’s spending the next week and a half focused on her writing, I’m spending more time with the one person I should be avoiding. “Luke and I will take care of everything.”

Because if that’s what Alex needs, that’s what I’ll do.