When Stars Fall by Wendy Million
Chapter Twelve
Ellie
Present Day
Every fiber of my being wants to go over, straddle him, and pretend ten years haven’t passed. Long-dormant parts of me flutter to life, beating their wings, begging to be let out. My body aches in remembrance of how good we were together. But I can’t. Haven is my priority, not Wyatt or my aching body.
“There’s nothing wrong with stable.” I toy with my food, pushing pieces of salmon around my plate. If I’m honest with myself, I would have never left Wyatt if I hadn’t gotten pregnant. I’d be over in his arms right now. I’d be living in LA in our house.
Or I’d be dead. Or he’d be dead.
“There’ll be no drama with us this time.” His elbows are on the table, and his sincerity kills me.
“You enjoy the chaos that surrounds our industry. We’re not a good fit.”
“Compromise. Not new to you, I’m sure.” He’s being a smug bastard. I compromised all the time when we were together. He glances at his plate and his practically untouched food. “I can’t prove to you I’m worth the risk if you won’t see me.”
“You’ve been gone for ten years. Ten years. You’ve been here for forty-eight hours. Did you expect me to drop everything? Pick up where we left off? Even if I had, you haven’t considered how a relationship would work between us.” I sigh and pick up my plate, no longer hungry.
In the kitchen, I tuck away ingredients and wipe the counters. Collapsing in a flood of tears on my bed is appealing. I want to be sure of Wyatt’s state of mind. Last time we were together, I let myself get sucked into a lifestyle I almost couldn’t handle. If Isaac hadn’t overdosed, I have no idea how much further I would have slid in a bid to please Wyatt. Back then if I loved him, I had to love his addictions too. They were so intertwined I had no choice. He says he’s clean, but it’s been two days. What if he’s not? So many of his old habits are bad for me and very bad for Haven.
Wyatt doesn’t follow me, which is surprising. I bang around the kitchen, washing and putting things away. When he wanders in, his plate is empty. I can’t believe he ate everything. Men are a mystery.
He’s silent while he puts his plate in the dishwasher and picks up a dish towel to dry the remaining dishes. When they’re done, he slings the damp cloth over his shoulder. He crosses his arms and gives me one of his intense stares. He’s about to go on the offensive.
Brace yourself.
“Five more days. I want all of them.”
“You can do anything you want on the island for five days.”
“Perfect.” His lips quirk up, but it’s not quite a smile. “What time should I come over tomorrow?”
“Anything but me.”
“Look, at the end of this week, if you want to write me off, I won’t stop you. I’ll pretend, at least in public, that you don’t exist.”
There’s a media circus swirling around us, and I’m ignoring it. The earthquake he set off will have aftershocks in my life long after this week. My manager and PR person are earning their money. Sealing up cracks and checking for leaks. My lawyer has his ear to the ground for any rumblings about Haven. We haven’t had this much scrutiny since I left Wyatt and dropped off the famous radar. When I returned to work, I took smaller projects, and I maintained a low profile. Ignoring #Wyllie again is going to take years—probably his plan when he booked Jackson’s show.
I open my mouth to deny him, and Wyatt holds up his hand.
“We can spend the time here at your house or wherever you want. Doesn’t have to be public. I won’t”—his jaw works and determination stretches across his face—“I won’t ever tell anyone what happens these next few days.” He swallows. “Even if it doesn’t work out. It’ll stay between you and me.”
I try to speak again, but he must realize he hasn’t won me over yet.
“You can work me in around anything else—other commitments, people, anything. Anything, Ellie. I’ll take five minutes on the balcony of my hotel room if that’s all you’ve got.”
Sounds so easy. He has no idea how high the stakes are. I’m slipping, inching closer to the person I was ten years ago.
“You don’t have to answer me right now.” Wyatt takes the dish towel off his shoulder and wrings it between his hands. “I’ll do anything to make it work.”
He tosses the towel on the island and thrusts his hands into his pockets. One of them is making a fist and then releasing something. He’s bothered. He leans against the counter, his palms pressing into the cool granite. He won’t keep pushing. This is my last chance to decide our path.
Wyatt is Haven’s father, and she wants to know him. I owe it to her to see whether he’s better now. If he can be trusted, then I have to let him in, at least for her sake. “Okay,” I say. “Okay.”
He nods his head. “Thanks, Ellie. I won’t let you down this time.”
Something in his tone causes a cascade of cracks across my heart. “I hope not,” I say. He won’t want to hurt me, but there’s no way to gauge whether he can keep that promise. “I’ll take you to your hotel.”
At Nikki’s house, I sit outside on my bike. Haven will be asleep since she was discharged earlier this morning when her fever broke. I’m the worst mother. No way to be sure whether giving Wyatt a chance is right or wrong. Once something happens to make me sure, it’ll be too late to shield Haven. Sighing, I use my key to open my sister’s door.
Nikki comes out of the kitchen with a glass of water. “Haven’s already sleeping. You staying here tonight?”
I nod and walk over to her couch, collapsing into it.
She takes in my appearance while she sips her water and then sits down in one of the armchairs. “Are you okay? How’d it go with Wyatt?”
I shake my head, unable to formulate a coherent sentence. “It’s dumb to even consider a second chance with him, right?”
Her sharp intake of breath is audible in the quiet room. “Wow. Already?” She sets her glass on the coffee table in front of her.
“I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.” I gather my hair into a ponytail and let it fall, over and over. “It makes no sense. I don’t know him anymore. In typical Wyatt fashion, he has no idea how we’d make it work with our different lifestyles. No plan, none,” I say. “It’s been ten years. Ten years. How can anyone still be in love with someone when they haven’t shared a room in ten years?”
“I realized you still had feelings.” Nikki moves to sit beside me on the couch. “You organized your life to avoid him, so it was clear there was something to avoid. But I started viewing the distance as more for Haven’s sake than because you couldn’t handle seeing him.”
“If it makes you feel any better, I convinced myself it was because of Haven too.” Out of the corner of my eye, I see her thoughtful frown matches mine.
“He’s still the same charming guy he was before. But that’s not all he was before. Remember that.”
I close my eyes and press the heels of my hands into my forehead.
“There are very real reasons why he isn’t parenting Haven.”
Behind my eyes, a headache builds. “What if he’s clean?”
“What if he’s not? How do you know? You’ve spent ten years getting him out of your system, raising your daughter, trying to keep her away from his lifestyle, those risks. If you’re not certain, you’re undoing everything for nothing.”
“He seems different. More grounded, less Hollywood.”
“Seemed pretty Hollywood at the hospital today.”
“Yeah, well, he can’t help turning on the charm when someone doesn’t like him. It’s an instinct.”
“Haven likes him just fine.”
I give her the side-eye.
“Oh, you mean me. I’m not that obvious.”
“You are. You really are.” I sigh.
For almost my entire relationship with Wyatt, he and my sister got along very well. Now I’m not sure she dislikes him so much as she doesn’t trust him and his poor decisions. We’ve watched the YouTube videos and the interviews that went sideways, knocked over by one stimulant too many. When I was with him, his issues seemed subtle, hard to see. Once I left, every time I caught a glimpse of him on TV or the internet, all I saw were the ravings of an addict.
“What are you going to do?” Nikki picks up her drink.
“Spend time with him for the next five days?” It’s a terrible plan, cracking open a Pandora’s box. But sending him away without knowing whether he’s telling the truth is vindictive. My goal has been to protect Haven, not to punish Wyatt.
She nods. “Yeah, that seems like a great way to get him out of your system. A great idea.”
“He’s Haven’s dad. She wants to know him.” The more I say it, perhaps the more likely I am to believe she’s the only reason I want him to stay. “If he knew about her . . .” My voice thickens, and I suck in a deep, unsteady breath. “He’d want to spend time with her too.”
Nikki rubs my leg. “You haven’t told him for a reason. You want reasons? Go on YouTube. There are more reasons to keep him away than to let him get close. Charming and good-looking and rich and famous don’t make someone a good father.”
“Once I tell him, I can’t ever take it back.”
Of course, he might never forgive me for not telling him in the first place or not confessing the truth as soon as he arrived at my house or when he showed up at the hospital or any other time since he reappeared. “If he relapses, the reasons I didn’t tell him for ten years are validated, but Haven’s protection goes up in smoke.”
“Are you going to talk to Mom and Dad?”
“No,” I say. “They’ll call me nuts for even considering it. Like you. I don’t need more of that.”
Nikki sips her water for a few minutes. “Does he remember you went to see him when Haven was a baby?”
“No. I didn’t expect him to. Maybe I hoped he would, but I didn’t expect it.” I rub my forehead. “Deep down, I knew he’d come if he remembered. He was very high and very drunk. The exact opposite of what I needed in my life, in her life.” I’d done what I set out to do and told him we had a daughter. The fact I said it has always made me, at least inside, more self-righteous in my choice. If he wasn’t so out of it, he would have known.
“She’s your daughter, but for ten years I’ve functioned as her other parent. When you’re on a film set or doing promotion, I’ve been the parent. Telling Wyatt might be your choice, but I feel like I should get a say. I’ve been doing his job for ten years.”
I stare at the blank TV screen, absorbing her words. “I’m sorry I’ve put you in that position.”
“I volunteered. Did I really understand what I was suggesting back then? No.” She lets out a disbelieving chuckle. “Not a clue. But I don’t regret being Haven’s other parent, being your support system. She’s a joy, Ellie. I don’t want to see that joy dimmed by a man who can’t keep himself together.”
My sister has sacrificed relationships and freedoms she would have had if she hadn’t agreed to our parenthood ruse. Even here at home, there are probably people who aren’t completely sure whether Haven is Nikki’s daughter or mine. When I returned from seeing Wyatt and reached out for help, my sister answered in a big way. She does deserve some input into Haven’s life. She’s earned it.
“I understand the risks Wyatt poses if he’s still using. I lived it. Those memories are easy to access. What I don’t understand is whether he’s truly better, whether he’d want to be her father if I gave him a chance.”
“Maybe this Wyatt deserves to be a dad. Maybe. That doesn’t mean you and Wyatt should be together or even need to be together.”
I steeple my hands over my nose, taking deep breaths. “The only way for me to be certain he should have a chance with Haven is by spending time with him. Otherwise, I’m throwing her to the wolves. I’m not doing that. I’ll gladly put my own heart on the line if it spares hers. I’m capable of walking away from him if he’s lying.”
“You’re sure? It’s been ten years and I swear after two days you’re already half in love with him again.”
“Half in love or fully in love, Haven comes first. She did back then and she does now too. That’s not going to change no matter what pretty words he sings in my ear.”
“This situation screams ‘potential disaster’ to me.” Nikki’s worry and disapproval sit between us palpably. “Do you need me to get Haven to school before I head to my open house?”
“No. I’ll take her. It’s something I miss.” I take a deep breath. “Then I’ll text Wyatt.”
I leave Nikki in the living room and head up the stairs to the bedroom beside Haven’s. All of Haven’s life, my younger sister has maintained the stability I couldn’t give her once I started working again. People said I turned down jobs after Wyatt and I split because of my heartbreak. That I hid from the spotlight out of embarrassment because Wyatt appeared to move on so quickly. For more than a year, there wasn’t a single paparazzi shot of me. The island was my cocoon. Even if I hadn’t been pregnant, I would have refused to feed the “poor me” narrative.
When I returned to acting, the roles were smaller and in independent films. The projects had to be short. Once Haven started school, and Nikki agreed to keep her routine, I took bigger jobs, longer shoots, but never the big budget project to skyrocket me into the megafamous stratosphere again.
To the outside world, we were a close family. Keep a low enough profile and no one cares enough to come looking.
Haven is in the backseat of Nikki’s car as I drive her to school. I haven’t texted Wyatt yet, and he’s being surprisingly patient. At one time, he’d have emailed, sent a text message, and called by now. He likes to know where he stands.
“I’m so glad you’re driving me today.” Haven stares out the window.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, it’s been forever since you drove me.”
A pang of guilt strikes my heart. “You enjoy spending time with Aunt Nikki, though, right?”
“Yes, Mom.” She uses that voice only a child can perfect, as though I’m the one being ridiculous. “What are you doing today? Interview? Phone call? Reading scripts?” Haven pauses and meets my eyes in the rearview mirror. “Seeing my dad?”
Her face is alight with mischief, but the emphasis on the last word is joyous. After hearing about him, she can label him hers. The novelty of having him visit might never wear off.
“Yes, I’m seeing Wyatt today for a bit.” I turn into the school parking lot and pull up to the kiss-and-go curb.
She undoes her seatbelt. “I want to see him too.”
I take a breath, not wanting to deny her. She doesn’t understand the risk. “We’ll see how today goes, okay?”
I’m not even sure what I’m going to do with Wyatt today. If he sees Haven’s room, he’ll be able to put the pieces together. The house is sparsely decorated except for our bedrooms, which are both filled with a flood of photos. It’ll be obvious she isn’t my niece. Maybe I could keep the doors to that part of the house closed.
I climb out of the car to give her a quick kiss and hug. She greets her friends as she enters the school. Watching her, I’m sure I’ve done the right thing in shielding her. She’s happy, she’s healthy, and she hasn’t had to suffer most of the chaos of my lifestyle.
That chaos is waiting for me in his hotel room, and I don’t know if Nikki is right and I should keep him away. When I left him, I felt like I had no choice, but I’m faced with the reality of that decision now.
I went back once to try to tell him about Haven, and when he was too out of it to understand what I was saying, I left, and I sealed the door to him behind me. Addict Wyatt wasn’t an option. I couldn’t build a family or any kind of life with him as he was.
Part of me, despite what I implied to Haven over the years, never expected him to be well enough to re-enter our lives. Now that he is, I’m paralyzed with indecision. At what point is it safe to trust him, if ever?
