The Forever Home by Sue Watson

Chapter Twenty-Seven

‘So, any news on Erin?’ Phoebe said, when she arrived for her overnight stay with me. I’d called her first thing to let her know; I wondered if she might have any ideas as to where Erin might be, but she was as stumped as the rest of us. I was so looking forward to seeing her – with Erin missing it made me want to hug my kids a little closer. I still didn’t feel it was the time to reveal my ‘lodger’ plans to Phoebe, so spoke to Ryan and he’d agreed to hold off moving in until the following day. She’d brought a bottle of Prosecco and we were both sitting on stools at the kitchen island with a glass each while I told her in more detail about Erin’s visit, and now disappearance. ‘Let’s hope she’s left Dad and run away and we never have to see her again,’ she said.

I raised my eyebrows in agreement and took a sip of Prosecco.

‘Someone I hardly knew asked me the other day if you and Dad had been really married, or was it just for the TV,’ she said.

That made me uncomfortable, but then we’d asked for it. Both me and Mark had put ourselves out there for the public’s scrutiny, and they duly scrutinised.

‘Well, it wasn’t a conventional marriage,’ I conceded.

Phoebe put down her glass, and turned to me. ‘Oh God, Mum – please don’t tell me you were swingers… or worse, Dad had three wives?’ she teased.

‘Not quite. We presented a united front, for Dad’s career, and you kids, but your dad… went his own way, and I found it easier to live my own life. I realised early on that you can’t change people – sometimes you have to adapt.’

‘Not much of a marriage,’ she mumbled, fiddling with the stem of her glass.

‘No, and now I’m on my own, I’m happier. But we had this unspoken agreement: he could live his life, and I’d be home with you and your brother. I was happy, and I think you and Jake were, and so was Dad.’

‘Doesn’t sound like a marriage to me,’ she said, unsmiling.

‘Sometimes the weirdest things on paper work in real life,’ I said, trying to make this sound simple. I wanted to be honest with Phoebe, she was old enough to understand, but at the same time I wasn’t going to tell her about the women, or the temper. Mark was her dad after all. ‘It wasn’t your dad’s fault; he just wasn’t the marrying kind.’

‘He wasn’t the fathering kind either. Big on the presents, but not on being there.’ She took a large glug of her Prosecco.

Phoebe was right, he was the fun dad. It was all very superficial; Mark’s real parenting credentials were rubbish. I’d covered for him often enough, but hadn’t realised the kids saw it too. It made me sad to think maybe I’d let them down as much as he had, by allowing him to stay in our lives. I constantly told myself, I stayed for the kids, but perhaps I was just too scared to leave?

‘Well, at least Erin’s latest drama should stop everyone talking about you and Dad,’ Phoebe sighed, climbing down from her stool, and taking the remaining Prosecco from the fridge.

‘I didn’t know they still did. I thought we were so last week,’ I joked.

‘The Awesome Andersons? Not likely.’ She refreshed our glasses, and I lifted mine for a top-up, the bubbles hitting my nose. ‘Nah, we were once famous for being the perfect family who lived by the seaside, now we’re famous because you and Dad got divorced. Middle-aged couples everywhere went “whaaat?” thanks to that little tramp.’

‘I’m no fan of Erin, but it takes two, love,’ I said, taking a sip, enjoying the lovely sting of fizz at the back of my throat. Sparkling wine always feels so celebratory, even when there’s nothing to celebrate.

‘Yeah, I know.’ She paused. ‘Dad’s never really been the faithful kind, has he?’

She couldn’t look at me, and I didn’t know what to say.

‘Well, Dad worked away a lot, and…’ I was finding it hard to defend him, even to his own daughter.

‘I remember girls at school telling me he liked their mums. One girl came up to me in the playground and said, “You’re Phoebe Anderson from the telly, aren’t you?” And I’d smiled. I was always proud to be an Anderson. I thought she might want to ask me about the programme, I was about twelve and thought I was quite the TV expert. Then she told me my dad had stayed over at their house when their dad was away, and…’ Phoebe finally looked up at me. ‘And he’d slept in their parents’ bed with her mum.’

‘Oh God, Phoebe,’ I said, wondering, not for the first time, who he’d left me alone for.

She nodded her head. ‘It was Jake who got the worst of it though – teenage girls can be evil.’ I could see the dimples in her chin as it started to tremble; she didn’t want to upset me further by crying.

‘I’m so sorry, darling. That must have been awful for you both,’ I sighed, putting my arm around her, both of us reeling in the wake of one man’s hurricane.

‘Worse for you, Mum.’ She reached out her hand and put it on mine.

‘You never said anything, darling, you should have talked to me!’ I hated the thought that my kids had been forced to endure something so painful.

‘I told Jake not to tell you; it would hurt you too much.’

I wanted to cry. There I was naively going through life thinking I was protecting them. How foolish I’d been to think I could shield my kids from our unhappy marriage. While I was hiding Mark’s infidelity from them, they were hiding it from me, all of us protecting each other, lies breeding more lies. ‘We should have divorced long ago,’ I sighed.

‘Yeah, I guess,’ she said. But being Phoebe, she tried to soften it for me and backtracked. ‘You and Dad were happy sometimes though, weren’t you? And in the last few years, he seemed more settled. The two of you had a laugh and might have turned a corner if that evil cow hadn’t got her nasty little claws into him.’

I had to laugh at Phoebe’s brutal honesty, and her optimism too. ‘I don’t think anything would have changed, love. Erin did me a favour. I’m so much happier now.’

‘I’m glad… So you wouldn’t get back with Dad then, even if she wasn’t around?’ I saw hope glimmer in her eyes. Despite everything, we were her parents, and in her mind, even as an adult, maybe she felt we belonged together.

I shook my head. ‘Are you okay with that?’

‘I don’t know, me and Jake talk about you both sometimes and, well, you know what he’s like, he idolises Dad. At first, we were desperate for you guys to get back together, and just stay in the house… Jake says you might lose this place. Is that true?’

I was about to explain, about the US deal and my theory that Mark might want to recreate what we had at the house for a new TV series with Erin, but I didn’t get the chance, because at that moment, Ryan appeared. He’d finished for the afternoon and was sliding through the doors Erin had escaped from the previous evening. I thought for the hundredth time, what if she had just run through the garden and thrown herself into the sea? What if she’d run the other way to a different kind of danger, a man driving along the dark lane – someone she knew offering her a lift, a friend, Mark… Ryan?

As he wandered through the living area, my mind quickly did the maths from the night before. He’d turned up at the house not long after Erin left. If she did leave through the side gate and head off round the front, towards the road, Ryan would have been driving towards her, and would have seen her, surely? But he didn’t, or he would have said. Wouldn’t he?

I watched him disappear into the downstairs toilet, telling myself he could easily have missed her on the road, in the storm. And then further down that road, she could have cut across the fields, where no one would have seen her. She might have fallen. She might still be there. But then, if she were, someone would have found her by now, surely?

I stopped thinking about it when Ryan reappeared from the downstairs toilet, and walked into the kitchen. My heart sank, I now had this encounter to deal with. Phoebe had already warned me against any kind of ‘thing’ with Ryan. I had to make sure this looked completely innocent, client and builder.

‘Hi,’ he said, nodding to Phoebe, who smiled back.

‘Ryan Jarvis?’ she said. ‘You used to come here with your dad – years ago?’

‘Yeah, my brother was the film star,’ he said with a smile.

‘Yeah… Max,’ she said. ‘I remember Max. Actually, didn’t he go out with Erin?’ She was looking from Ryan to me, assuming I wouldn’t know, and this might be of interest.

‘I… think so,’ he said, which puzzled me. He’d told me himself that Max went out with Erin; why would he be so vague? ‘Last time I saw you, you were about this high,’ he said to Phoebe, putting his palm waist height.

I laughed with them, realising at twenty-four, Phoebe was closer to Ryan’s thirty-five than I was, which made me feel slightly uncomfortable. When Ryan and I were alone, the fact I was twelve years older didn’t matter; I didn’t feel older. I liked that he found me attractive, it was something I never thought I’d experience again. But seeing him with Phoebe made me think again, Am I being a middle-aged fool to think there could be something between us?

‘We’re just talking about Erin going missing,’ I said. ‘Have you heard anything?’

He turned his head quickly to look at me. ‘No, why should I?’

I was a little taken aback by his response. ‘No reason,’ I answered, maintaining eye contact, trying to work out what I’d said to cause such a reaction. ‘Just thought you might have heard something in the town.’

Then he seemed to relax and, pushing his hands in his jean pockets, leaned against the kitchen counter. ‘No. How could I have heard anything? I’ve been here since…’

He’d clearly forgotten that we’d agreed his lodger status wasn’t being shared with my kids, something I was even more keen to keep quiet after Phoebe’s comment about his reputation. I had to shut it down, so I quickly moved the conversation on. ‘Well, I haven’t heard from anyone, thought my ex-husband might call,’ I said, trying to sound formal, hoping Ryan would pick up on this – and Phoebe wouldn’t.

‘She’ll turn up I’m sure – she’s just looking for trouble, that one,’ Ryan said, turning now to get a mug.

‘Mmm, my sentiments exactly,’ Phoebe said, watching him open the cupboard and reach for the coffee jar with thinly veiled surprise.

‘Would you like a coffee?’ he asked, directing the question at both of us.

Phoebe shook her head and gave me a bemused look that said WTF? Mum, Jake was right about him settling in, he just marched in and offered us coffee – like he lives here.

God, if only she knew.

I could feel my skin burning up as he opened the fridge, knowing exactly where the milk was, and then asking me, ‘Have you made any more lemon cake?’

Flustered, I shook my head, aware that Phoebe was looking right at me.

A few minutes later, I watched her watch him wander outside with his mug and a small tower of custard creams, and she turned to me. ‘Well, he certainly knows his way around your kitchen.’

‘I hope that’s not a euphemism,’ I said, which made us both laugh, and as Phoebe was taking a final sip of her Prosecco, it went up her nose and she ended up with it everywhere. ‘Lovely!’ I said, grabbing a tea towel and wiping us down. ‘You are one classy lady, Phoebe Anderson.’

‘Seriously though, the way he was looking at you – I think he’s got the hots for you, Mum!’

‘No – don’t be daft, he’s only thirty-five,’ I said, feeling slightly uncomfortable.

‘Well, age hasn’t stopped Dad making a dick of himself.’

‘True,’ I said, knowing her cutting words weren’t meant for me, but feeling them just the same.

‘And why wouldn’t he fancy you? You’re gorgeous,’ she said kindly, the way daughters do to their mothers.

Hearing what I thought might be a note of understanding, I was about to tell her that we were in fact in a sort of relationship. I wanted to tell her how he made me feel young again and I had no idea what might happen, and I was scared and excited all at the same time. But then she spoke again, more serious.

‘Just be careful, Mum.’

‘What do you mean?’ I asked.

‘Oh, I don’t know, bad boys? The love ’em and leave ’em type? I mean, his brother definitely went out with Erin. He was quite a bit older, about ten years.’

‘That’s a big gap,’ I said weakly, thinking about the twelve years between Ryan and me. ‘But from what I gather, Max is the troubled one. Ryan’s the good brother,’ I said, realising I didn’t know Ryan or his family in any depth.

‘Yeah, well, that’s probably what he wants you to think. Like I said on the phone, a guy like that might be under the impression you’ve got money.’ She didn’t say anything else, just climbed down off her stool and headed to the bathroom.

I sat alone, glass in hand, realising I probably shouldn’t have told Ryan about the money I was owed by Mark. Then I reminded myself that he didn’t seem the type to be bothered about money. He’d spent years in Thailand on a beach, living off nothing. He wore old T-shirts and got excited about a bird’s nest in the garden. He wasn’t some gold-digging toy boy. But my mind wandered back to the phone call I’d overheard, with Erin, and why was he so vague when Phoebe mentioned the fact Erin went out with his brother? This led me to questioning even more – how he was moving out of his place very quickly to move into mine. Even now, I wasn’t quite sure how I let that happen so easily. I just felt so bad because I couldn’t pay him, and I went along with the idea before I’d had chance to think about it. I liked him, and I enjoyed his company, but had I been an idiot and let my heart rule my head?

When Ryan came into the house to announce he was leaving for the day, I held my breath. I prayed he didn’t forget Phoebe was there and do what he often did, come up behind me, massage my shoulders and kiss my neck. I could only imagine the horror on Phoebe’s face. So I was deeply relieved when he threw his jacket over one shoulder and said good night.

After he’d gone, I started cooking, and I was just putting the steaks on when my phone rang. I was nervous to see Lara’s name on the screen; Phoebe looked up from the table mats she was laying out.

‘It’s Lara,’ I mouthed, picking up. ‘Is she back, have you found her?’ I heard my words tumble out.

‘No.’ I could hear the tears in her voice, and my stomach dropped. Before Phoebe had arrived, I’d rechecked the garden and even been down to the beach. Everything looked so calm and untroubled out there that I just imagined Erin had taken herself away for a short time, needing space. It wasn’t easy with a new baby and with Mark, and I’d told myself she’d be back by the evening, but this was getting scary now.

‘I’m at my wits’ end,’ Lara was saying. ‘I called the police. They’ve been here, took a statement. No one’s seen or heard from her – and he’s no use. He hit the bottle as soon as he knew she’d gone missing – typical!’

As much as I enjoyed the pastime, now wasn’t the time to bitch about Mark. ‘I was thinking, she might have gone back to your house over the fields. Phoebe’s here, we’ll take a walk down there, see if there’s any… sign… of her.’

‘Thanks, but the police are already looking, and I think having civilians around might be more of a hindrance. I’m furious though, Carly. At first the police wouldn’t take her disappearance seriously, because, according to him, she’s walked out before and gone missing overnight.’

‘Really? Did you know that?’

‘Did I hell. Since she got together with him, we’ve hardly spoken, and it’s only now when she needs a babysitter she bothers to call me. She doesn’t want me around, because if I knew half of what was going on there, I’d be at their door with a bloody shotgun. And she knows it. I’d blow his sodding head off, if I got the chance.’

‘Get in the queue, love,’ I sighed. ‘Is there anything I can do, Lara?’

‘No, no, it’s fine, and it might be best you staying there in case she turns up again.’

‘Yeah, you never know,’ I murmured, doubting that very much. ‘Are you okay there? Are you on your own?’

‘I’m fine; the neighbours are popping in and out.’

‘Good, well as long as you’re sure I can’t come over?’

‘No, the police are still here asking tortuous questions; they’ve been here all day. My next-door neighbour’s been a lifesaver though and come over to look after little Billy; he’s good as gold.’

‘So Billy’s still with you? Mark hasn’t taken him home?’

‘Mark? Would you leave a tiny baby with that drunken knob?’ she seethed.

‘When you put it like that, probably not.’ I paused. ‘Let me know if you hear anything or if there’s anything we can do.’

After talking to Lara, I called Mark to see if Erin was there, and of course it went straight to voicemail.

‘I’m worried, Phoebe,’ I said, putting the phone down. ‘I was the last one to see her. I feel somehow… responsible.’

‘Mum, she’s a psycho. She turned up unannounced, then ran off into the night – as psychos do.’

‘Darling, I think psycho is a bit harsh,’ I said. One of the perhaps more trivial problems associated with Mark choosing this girl as ‘the other woman’ was I couldn’t bitch freely because she was so young, and her mother was once my friend. He’d even denied me the chance to vent my spleen fully, about his wannabe wife.

‘Dad’s an idiot – but she’s just a bloody stalker. I know of at least two guys she went out with from round here,’ Phoebe was saying, ‘and when they tried to finish with her, she threatened to kill them, then kill herself.’

‘Okay, that sounds a bit psychotic,’ I said, abandoning any pretence of restraint.

‘Do you think she threw herself off the cliffs?’ Phoebe asked, nodding her head in the direction of the garden.

‘God, I hope not. But she’s always been troubled,’ I offered lamely, as I watched the steaks sizzle. ‘Lara said the police have been at hers all day,’ I added absently, thinking of my friend, and how awful she must be feeling right now. I knew how I’d feel if it was Phoebe.

‘Shit’s getting real,’ Phoebe murmured.

‘I couldn’t have put it better myself. How would you like your steak?’

I never found out how Phoebe wanted her steak, because just as she was about to answer, the doorbell rang. I headed for the door, asking Phoebe to keep an eye on the steaks while wiping my hands on a tea towel, and looking at the CCTV monitor, it was a man and a woman. I opened the door, and was about to politely say ‘no’ to whatever it was they were selling, but the expressions on both their faces stopped me from speaking first.

‘Mrs Anderson?’

I nodded.

‘I’m Detective Sergeant Harefield, and this is Detective Sergeant Barker,’ the man said. ‘We’re investigating the whereabouts of a missing person – an Erin Matthews? Lara Matthews – her mother – and your husband – Erin’s partner – said that you were the last one to see her. May we come in?’