SEAL’s Redemption by Leslie North

16

As Logan drove back to Hope’s place after their meeting with Desmond Jones, he couldn’t shake the overwhelming sense of dread he felt. Desmond had been an alcoholic dad who’d hurt his family in his efforts to reconnect. And even though Logan wasn’t actually addicted to booze, it still hit far too close to home for his comfort. Desmond’s story had resonated with him, especially the parts about being messed up and hurting the people he loved. The last thing Logan wanted to do now was hurt Hope, and the idea that he might be setting her and the baby up for pain in the future because he yearned for a real relationship with her again… Well, it was terrifying.

He sighed and scowled out the windshield. No. It was best to stick with his original plan. He’d stay until this case was wrapped up to keep her and the baby safe, and then he’d go. And until then, he needed to put some distance between them because he’d let Hope get way too close. Her security, and the baby’s, depended on him being smart about this. Even if it might just kill him inside to let her go.

“What’s going on with you?” she asked from the passenger seat, her narrowed gaze burning a hole through the side of him. “You’ve gotten all quiet and broody and cold since we left the café. Are you shutting me out again?”

Yes.“No.” He reached over to fiddle with the temperature controls on the dashboard since it felt about a hundred degrees in there. When the hell had it gotten so hot? Then he sighed. “I’m fine. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Obviously.” She crossed her arms and frowned out her window. “I thought we were working on this stuff.”

“We are,” he grumbled, wishing to hell he was anywhere but in that car. Dammit. Why the hell did being responsible and talking things out like adults have to be so hard and uncomfortable? But he hadn’t gotten where he was by letting fear rule him, so he took a deep breath and plowed ahead. “Look, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking today and honestly, I don’t see any way this thing between us can end except with both of us hurt. And the closer we get, the worse it’ll be, so I think we should stop having sex and just concentrate on the case.”

She blinked at him a minute, silent. He glanced over at her, then wished he hadn’t. Dammit. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he had. It was written all over her pretty face. Hope’s voice, when she spoke, sounded brittle and cold. “Fine. Whatever. Listen, drop me off at Ben’s place, please. I’ve got some things to finish up with him.” At Logan’s scowl, she shook her head. “I’ll be fine. He’s got great security, remember? You said it yourself. It’ll just be for a few hours.”

Logan sighed then switched lanes to do as she asked. They didn’t speak after that and once he dropped her off at her friend’s place, he wasn’t sure what to do with himself. For some weird reason, he didn’t feel comfortable just driving away. Rationally, he knew Hope was safe in there with Ben, but his SEAL instincts had been pinged by something, so…

He parked across the street from the apartment complex to wait until Hope texted him that she was ready to leave. Logan switched on the radio but couldn’t find any music he liked. Then he scrolled through the emails on his phone, but there was nothing urgent demanding his attention. Which left him alone with his thoughts, and that was the very last place he wanted to be.

Man, the more he thought about leaving Hope and the baby at the end of this case, the more his old destructive urges to run away and numb out all the pain returned. Not good. Not good at all. He craved something, anything to take the edge off so he didn’t have to think about the gnawing heartache and grief that threatened to devour him at just the thought of walking away from Hope and their baby.

But he had to walk away.

Finally, he gave up the fight and called Jeremy. He needed a pep talk, someone to tell him in no uncertain terms that leaving Hope after this case was the absolute right thing to do. His brother had always been more than happy to deliver tough truths in the past, so why not?

“Hey,” Jeremy said when he answered the video call. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Logan growled. “Okay, fine. I need a pep talk.”

“Pep talk?” Jeremy snorted. “I’m a therapist, not a cheerleader, dude.”

“I know that.” He exhaled slowly then scrubbed a hand over his face before telling his brother about the meeting with Jones earlier, and how it had stirred up shit for Logan. “So, yeah. I know that leaving is the right thing to do. I know it. But it’s just so hard this time, leaving Hope and the baby behind.”

“Hmm,” Jeremy said, in that annoying therapist way he had. “So, if I understand what you’re saying, you believe that leaving Hope and your child behind will prevent you from hurting them.”

“Yes,” Logan bit out. “That’s what I said, isn’t it?”

“Easy, bro. I’m just making sure I have a clear picture of your feelings,” Jeremy said. “It’s called active listening.”

“Whatever. I called you for advice.”

“And I’m giving it to you, if you’d just be patient.” Jeremy chuckled. “Oh wait, that’s right, you don’t have any of that.”

Logan flipped him off, but couldn’t help laughing because it was true. Patience was a virtue Logan hadn’t been blessed with, though he was working on it. The SEALs had helped with it, but he still had a way to go. At least some of the tension had dissipated. “Seriously, though, Jer. I’m sinking here, and I need a lifeline.”

“Well, it sounds like you’ve been triggered by that interview earlier,” Jeremy said. “My advice would not be to make any decisions based on something that happened to complete strangers twenty years ago. I know this is hard for you and that you like things to be clear and concise, but emotions aren’t that way. You and Hope still have a ton of baggage to work through from back in the day. And while you’ve started down that road, having sex with her again has complicated things.” Logan started to respond, but his brother stopped him. “You asked me for my advice, so let me finish. You and Hope were good together, back in the day, before it all went south. Maybe you can get back there again. There’s no reason why you two couldn’t have a real relationship now, if you’re both committed to open communication this time around.”

That was not what Logan had expected at all. He sat there a minute, taking that in, then shook his head. “I don’t know, Jer. It seems like a long shot.”

“That’s your specialty, isn’t it?”

Yeah, it kind of was. He’d lost track of the number of times he’d pulled a successful mission out of his ass with his SEAL team when everyone else had said it was impossible. If he looked at things with Hope from that perspective, just maybe there was a chance his brother was right. Then again, maybe he was just deluding himself because he wanted it to be true so badly.

“Sorry, bro, but I have to go,” Jeremy said. “I’ve got another client scheduled. This one will actually pay me, so…”

Logan chuckled and flipped his brother off again, then thanked him. “Talk to you later.”

“I hope so.”

His phone screen went black, leaving Logan alone again to stare across the street at the apartment building while he wrestled with his own inner thoughts and demons.