Lancelot by Silvia Violet
Julian
Idon’t know how I made it through the last hour of the day. Normally, I stayed after we closed, continuing with cataloging or taking care of things that would never be done unless we had more staff. Today, I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I’d always thought of the library as a safe place, a place where I felt at home and like I had value. That evening, my mind whirled with thoughts of Monkey Man. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to think straight until I got out of there. I could still smell his cologne, and I’d spent far too long gazing at the flowers he’d brought. I hadn’t been able to bring myself to throw them out. They were just too lovely.
The moment Gwen locked the front door, I grabbed my bag, pulled out my keys, and turned to head out the rear of the building.
“Hold up,” Gwen called.
When I turned, I saw she was carrying the bouquet. “You’re forgetting this.”
I shook my head. “Leave it.”
“But what if the flowers send out their pollen and it scatters onto some of the library materials?”
“I’m not in the mood for teasing right now.”
Gwen sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m just trying to cheer you up. They’re beautiful, and I wanted you to take them home. Your apartment could use some color.”
I’d lived with my dad until he’d passed away. I’d thought about moving out several times, but I ended up being glad I hadn’t. He needed someone there, especially at night, during his last months.
After he was gone, I wanted to live somewhere else, but there wasn’t much I could afford. With the uncertainty of my job’s future, I needed to save as much of the money from the sale of my dad’s townhouse as I could. So I got a small apartment within walking distance of work. It was the top floor of a carriage house garage behind a large home that used to be beautiful but now needed some repair.
I liked the space, but I hadn’t taken the time to really do anything with it. The walls were white, and I hadn’t hung up any art. Gwendolyn was right. It could use some color, but not these flowers that had come with a price.
“You can have them if you want. Put them on the front desk or take them home. I don’t care.”
“Julian, what did he say to upset you?”
“He wants to get into the archive. He thinks he can give me flowers and get his way.”
She shook her head, obviously far more perceptive than I wanted her to be. “It can’t just be that. You’d be angry but not like this. There has to be more.”
“Don’t you think it’s enough when you add in what he said to me before he left? I’m sure you heard everything.”
Gwen bit her lip. “Yeah.”
“I have no doubt Marshall did too. He’s probably already written a complaint about me.”
“The director will ignore it. She doesn’t want to lose you. Who else would do so much extra work for free?”
I ignored her jab at my dedication. “If they want to keep me here, they have to keep the library open. If we’ve got lunatics running in with monkeys and threatening us, that just makes us look worse. They’re certainly not going to find any more security for us.”
“I don’t think that man was going to hurt anyone or—”
“Neither do I, but he could easily hurt us just by being here.”
She frowned. “You still haven’t told me what he said.”
I might as well confess it, but I would never tell her how the crazy man had made me feel or the things he’d made me think about before he’d humiliated me with his bribe. “He said he could help with the library’s funding problem, but he would only do it if I let him into the archive.”
Gwen blinked. “And you didn’t agree to his terms?”
“You would have?”
“Hello. Yes. If all he wants is some information he can find here, and he could help keep us open, then of course I would agree to that.”
I sniffed. “I suppose you would have let the damn monkey run around freely too if that’s what he wanted.”
She glared at me.
Maybe she was right. “What if I just take a sick day and you handle it when he comes back?”
“No. I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
I took a step back. “That’s your scheming expression.”
“This man is just what you need.”
“A man involved in God knows what who wants to find some information and is willing to bribe me for it while…”
“While what? What’s really making you angry?”
“Wouldn’t bribery and threats make anyone angry?”
“Yes, but what I meant was that he was exciting. You need excitement. Besides, you’re never this dramatic. There’s something else going on. You think he’s hot, don’t you?”
“I already established that I find him attractive.”
“You know that’s not what I mean. He does it for you, pushes your buttons, maybe ones you didn’t know you had.”
I shook my head vigorously. “Absolutely not. That’s an absurd suggestion.”
“Is it really? Because I’ve only seen you like this one other time, and that was when—”
“Don’t say his name. You agreed.”
She held up her hands in surrender. “I wasn’t going to. When He Who Shall Not Be Named was working here.”
“It’s nothing like that. I learned my lesson.” I’d been enamored with the library’s former assistant director, an elegant older man. He loved telling people what to do, and I found his commanding nature sexy as hell. I’d thought he liked me too, but he was just an asshole who liked that I was willing to do his work for him.
“Julian—”
“Just let me go home.”
“Promise you’ll call me if you want company later?”
“Sure.” I wouldn’t, though. I intended to spend the evening wallowing in self-pity. I hated dating, but I didn’t want to be alone forever. I was likely going to lose my job in the next year, and even Gwen, a fellow archival librarian, found me too boring. But the spiral into darkness never came. The entire walk home, I couldn’t get Monkey Man out of my mind.
He’d brought me flowers.
As a bribe.
He could help with the library.
Unless he was lying. He was probably lying. But if he wasn’t…
Gwen was right. I’d have to forget about my standards and give him what he wanted. I could do that for the good of the library, couldn’t I?
I was still pondering that when I unlocked my door on the lower level of the carriage house and climbed the steps to my apartment. I went straight to the bathroom, wanting a shower. If only I could wash off all that had happened that day. Hell, washing off the last year wouldn’t be bad at all.
The shower didn’t make things better, though; it made them worse. I kept imagining the man returning, demanding entry into the archive, using that low, sexy voice to tell me all the ways he could reward me for my help. What if he didn’t just want access to the archives? What if he wanted access to… me?
No. No. No. I wasn’t going there. It didn’t matter that being forced by a demanding alpha male like Mr. Alluring was one of my favorite fantasies, one I’d never dared share with anyone. I wasn’t going to think about that man when I…
Without my permission, my soapy hand slid down my body and wrapped around my cock, which was already beginning to swell from the images in my head.
I couldn’t do this. The asshole would come back. I’d have to face him. I couldn’t do that if I let this continue, but I also couldn’t stop. This fantasy was embarrassing as fuck, but it was harmless when I was here by myself. No one ever had to know. That was the easiest way to live out my fantasies—alone with no one to judge me. Trying to tell a man what I wanted was just too much for me, and no one would ever guess.
I imagined the dangerous man pinning me to the wall in the archive room as I worked my cock slowly. He’d yank my arms over my head and hold them there. One of his large hands would be all he needed to hold both my wrists. I wasn’t delicate, but I had no doubt he could subdue me easily.
That would leave his other hand free to touch me, to take whatever he wanted. I would be helpless. Even if I changed my mind, even if I no longer wanted to pay him in that way, I was trapped now. I was his.
But even if I didn’t want this, I knew I would enjoy it. I’d enjoy anything the man did to me. He might be dangerous. He might be arrogant and so goddamn frustrating. He might think that no rules applied to him, but I didn’t think he’d hurt me. He’d make it good for me. That would matter to him.
I imagined him taking my cock in hand, stroking me firmly, quickly, giving me no time to catch my breath. In my fantasy, he didn’t worry about niceties. He didn’t ask questions, but somehow he knew exactly what I needed.
Hot water pelted my shoulders as I imagined him jerking me off while keeping me pinned to the wall. The image was so potent my knees threatened to buckle. I had to lean back and let the tile take my weight.
“Don’t move,” the man ordered.
I kept my arms over my head even after he let me go. His fingers traced their way along the side of my neck, over my chest, pausing to toy with my nipples before sliding down over my abdomen.
I closed my eyes and imagined that the drops of water pouring over my body were his hands as he caressed all of me, making me feel seen.
Most of the men I’ve been with liked to hurry everything. Getting off was all they cared about. I didn’t matter to them, but in my mind, the arrogant stranger wasn’t like that. He took his time, slowing his hand on my cock, teasing me until I burned for him, until I was so hard it hurt and precum slicked my cock like lube.
My fantasy didn’t need any basis in reality, so I imagined the man dropping to his knees in front of me, smiling up at me, and telling me how he longed to taste me.
I gasped as I imagined his hot mouth enveloping me and swallowing me all the way down. I moved my hand faster and faster as I let the fantasy play out in my head.
He sucked me hard, holding my gaze the entire time, smiling around my cock as it stretched his lips. He loved sucking me. He didn’t mind being on his knees in front of me. He wanted this. He wanted me.
I cried out as I came, and I was glad I lived alone. The sound seemed to echo through the apartment.
My orgasm went on and on until, exhausted, I slid down the wall and sat on the floor, letting water beat down on me. A few minutes passed before I could contemplate standing and continuing to wash myself off, and it took until I turned the shower off and dried myself for me to regret what I’d done.
Now that I’d let that fantasy roll and seen how potent it could be, I knew this wouldn’t be the only time I would see the arrogant man in my mind. I was afraid he’d be part of every orgasm I gave myself for a long time. That was not okay.