Made Marian, Volume One by Lucy Lennox
Derek
Jude had always been jumpy, so it killed me when I was the one who accidentally spooked him in the kitchenette. If there was anyone besides his family who he should never have to fear, it was me.
Before he’d seen me in the suite’s common area, he’d been singing a song that was heartbreaking. The silky sound of his voice turned the lyrics into roots that grew around my very soul. There was no accompanying music, just his voice drifting throughout the suite. I would have tried to alert him to my presence had I not wanted so desperately to hear him continue singing.
I’d never really admitted to myself there were times I liked Jude’s songs, but when I heard him singing that night in his pajamas, I finally did. I loved the singing he did when he was alone, not realizing anyone was listening. There was something raw about the way he sang when he was by himself. I’d overheard him many times in the months I’d known him. Times when he’d forgotten I was in the background or didn’t realize I was around the corner.
I wasn’t a fan of country music necessarily, but the man himself had a stunning set of pipes. Sometimes I’d catch him singing other kinds of songs. Once, I overheard him singing the Leonard Cohen song “Hallelujah” and it blew me away. He was alone in his hotel room with his acoustic guitar, and I was in the common area just outside his door. I stood stock-still and felt that song all the way into the very marrow of my bones. His voice was haunting and raised goose bumps all over my skin. I caught myself looking around, stunned there wasn’t anyone else there to witness that incredible moment besides me.
Another time I was waiting in his dressing room after a concert, and he was in the shower singing “Ruby Tuesday” by the Stones. He was still pumped up from the concert and I could hear the energy in his voice. I imagined him dancing around the shower with the beaming smile he usually had when he came off stage.
Jude Marian was a pretty quiet man behind closed doors. I wouldn’t necessarily call him shy, but he was quieter than you’d imagine. At first I had assumed it was a result of giving all his energy to his fans, but then I learned it was actually a complete difference between his private and public personas. Had he known I could hear him singing in private any of those times, he would have blushed deep red and hidden his face. Yet, put him on stage in front of tens of thousands of fans and the man was a star performer.
As we stood in the little kitchen space in the suite’s large common area, I confronted him about who Ari was. He seemed to waver in his decision to open up to me. I wanted to shake him and scream, Just spill it already! But I stayed patient and calm.
“I’m gay,” Jude eventually said.
I stood there blinking. Even though I’d had the thought earlier at the auction, I’d talked myself out of it while trying to fall asleep that night. On the one hand, it was too good to be true. On the other, he had a girlfriend. Tilting my head to look at him, I blinked some more. Could he really have just said…?
“I’m gay,” he said again, this time much louder. “Fucking get your head out of your ass and say something.”
“You can’t be,” I decided. “You have a girlfriend.”
He looked at me like I was an idiot. “Right. Paisley? Come on.”
“Her name is Jae,” I snapped, feeling angry for no reason.
“Oh, now her name is Jae? That’s cute,” he barked, and then pushed me in the chest. “Come on, damn it. Out with it, He-Man.
“Why are you yelling at me?” I shouted back, grabbing his wrists before he could try shoving me again.
“I know you’ve got judgy shit stacking up in that big head of yours, so open your goddamned mouth.”
So I did. I opened my mouth and brought it down on his before I even knew what I was doing. He scrambled back at the same time my brain caught up with my mouth, causing me to do the same. We ended up about ten feet away from each other in the large room.
“Shit,” I said, raking my fingers through my hair.
“Jesus, Wolfe. What the hell?” he gasped, bringing his hand up to his lips.
“I’m so sorry, Jude. Damn it. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what the hell came over me,” I stammered while my brain screamed for me to run. Just get in the hotel elevator and leave. But years of experience told me to stay, that it would only be harder to come back here if I ran.
“Just forget about it. I shouldn’t have shoved you,” Jude said. “Clearly you find me irresistible.” The joke fell flat, and I heard a thread of self-loathing in it.
“Actually, I think resisting you for this long should win me some kind of award,” I admitted under my breath. “You’re hot as shit.”
“Shut up. Just because I told you I’m gay doesn’t mean you get to make fun of me,” he said, angry fire blazing in his brown eyes.
“Make fun of you?” I asked. “I was complimenting you.”
He looked at me funny. “What?”
“You’re sexy, Jude. It’s not like you don’t already know that. Why would you think I was joking about you being hot?”
“Because guys like you would never call another man hot,” he said.
“Guys like me? What, you mean tall guys?” I baited him.
“Fuck you. No, I mean Navy SEAL guys. Macho commando guys.”
“I was a Marine Raider. Don’t insult me with that Navy shit,” I warned.
Jude rolled his eyes. “My bad. Marine Raider then. Those guys don’t call other men hot and live to tell the tale. They get their parachute cords cut early on.”
“Well, then, it’s a good thing I never told them I was gay. Taking a splat onto a cement landing pad would not have been as nice a send-off as the Bronze Star ceremony I had,” I said, watching him for his response. I expected relief at hearing me say I was gay, but instead I was surprised to find suspicion.
“You’re not gay,” he informed me.
I snorted. “You’re right. Maybe I have the word wrong. What do you call it when a man is attracted to other men instead of women?”
“Now you’re seriously messing with me. Maybe you should go back to bed.” Jude looked at me with narrowed eyes.
I wandered back to the more comfortable seating area by the television and sat on the couch. “Sit down, Jude, and talk to me. Whether you want to believe it or not, I’m gay. You can trust me to understand how sensitive this is.”
He must have heard something in my voice that let him know I was being sincere.
“Really?” he asked as he came to sit on the other end of the couch, curling up and wrapping his arms around his knees. “You’re seriously gay?”
“I seriously am. Obviously I’m not out. My family is beyond traditional southern conservative, and my job still revolves around ex-military personnel who aren’t very accepting. It’s getting better, but I’ve never really felt the need to talk to people about it.”
Jude sighed. “I’ve lived in the closet my whole life, and just when I thought I might have found someone worth coming out for, he dropped me like a hot potato. Ari Crowe.”
He shifted in his seat, pulling his knees in even closer and taking a deep breath before continuing.
“We met in Nashville around seven years ago. It was just after I’d arrived here to try the music scene. The band and I were playing clubs and bars and trying to get some traction when Ari chatted me up one night after our set.
“I was in my early twenties and finally considering living openly. At that point I had two brothers who were already out, and my parents were heavily involved with the LGBTQ youth program. Fear of my family’s rejection was never the reason I was in the closet. This is going to sound silly, but by the time I realized I was gay, Blue and Jamie had been out for several years. I felt like everyone was going to assume I was a copycat, or outsiders would tease me for having been ‘made gay’ by my queer family,” he explained.
I gave him a reassuring smile. This was all beginning to make more sense. “Does your family know?”
“Just my brother Blue. The rest of them can’t keep a secret to save their lives. Anyway, Ari and I were together for two years. His family was very conservative and wealthy, and Ari went to snobby Nashville prep schools before graduating from Duke and moving back home. His family would have flipped. So we decided to stay in the closet. Between his family and my country music career, it seemed safe to take things slowly and not come out until there was a damned good reason for it.
“Then one night we were out to dinner at a restaurant, and Ari just dumped me out of the blue. Told me I was never going to be the successful musician I wanted to be and that hanging around in seedy bars with someone so worthless was not the life he’d worked so hard to achieve. I think it was his way of trying to convince himself I wasn’t worth coming out for. A couple of months later he was engaged to his high school girlfriend.”
Jude ran slender fingers through his hair before picking at a spot on the pajama pants he was wearing above his knee. I couldn’t take my eyes off of his fingers as they toyed nervously with the loose thread.
“Blue knew how crushed I was by the breakup so he told me to channel that energy into my songwriting. He made me promise I would use the hurt to prove to myself and the world that his words weren’t true. Even though ‘Bluebells’ is about my breakup, I wrote that song for Blue. To fulfill the promise of using my pain to kick-start my future success. It’s a song of strength, like my very own fight song, and its success makes me incredibly proud. When the song hit the top of the charts, we were on our way. When ‘Heavy Chevy’ came out and did almost as well, the rest was history.”
He dropped his feet to the floor and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. I wanted to reach out and reassure him. Somehow show him that he was better off without someone who didn’t support his music career. But I didn’t dare touch him. Instead I moved my hands under my thighs to keep them from reaching out to him.
“Sometimes I’d wonder why Ari never contacted me to reconnect. Even just to say he was friends with me before I hit it big. He was the kind of guy who got off on bragging about big-name people he knew. You know from your job how common it is for old friends to show up out of the woodwork when someone becomes famous. But he never did. I assumed it was because of his need to stay in the closet. His wife’s family had a shit ton of money, so I didn’t ever think he’d be after mine.”
“He calls you Bubba?” I asked.
“Like an endearment. He thought it was cute, but it drove me fucking crazy. It was his way of poking fun at the fact I was a California boy singing country music. He’d always been a preppy guy. To him, only rednecks liked country music. So he called me Bubba.”
I suppressed a wince. “So you’ve been gay this whole time I’ve known you, and I’ve never caught wind of it. When do you hook up? You’re never alone.”
“I don’t,” Jude said. “It’s not worth it. I haven’t been with anyone in six years. Being alone is easier than being hurt again.”
That might have been the moment when looking out for Jude Marian became personal.
