Always Us by Lizzie Morton
Twenty-Four
Abby
“Abby, you need to wake up.”
“Huh?” I grumble at being awoken from a deep slumber, something that feels like it’s becoming a regular thing.
It’s official, this summer has beaten me.
I open my eyes and am greeted with the most beautiful sight. Dan leaning over me, all mussed up and sleepy himself. Looking around, I see it’s no longer light out.
“Shit! I fell asleep? How long have I been out for?” I ask.
“Hours,” he states, looking amused. “I was cooking, turned around and you were gone. You looked so peaceful … I didn’t have the heart to wake you. I must have fallen asleep myself, but luckily set an alarm.”
Panic floods me. “I need to tell the girls where I am. They’ll kill me for disappearing like that and not letting them know where I am.”
He looks unsure as he says, “I hope you don’t mind. I figured that would be your reaction, so I got our PA to find a charger for your phone. I texted … Zoe, is it? Letting her know you were with me and you were ok. I told her she could come check on you, but she said she trusted me and gave me the directions to your bus. We can make our way back whenever you’re ready.”
He’s so thoughtful and confident in everything he’s saying, I feel myself swoon.
“You really are the perfect gentleman, aren’t you?”
He smiles. “I try to be. Not all famous people live up to their reputation.”
“I could get used to this, waking up to you.” I don’t know where the words come from. I blush furiously at how open I’ve been with my feelings to one of the most gorgeous and famous rock stars in the world. “Oh my God. I can’t believe I’ve just said that out loud.”
I face plant the chair and all I want is to escape and not have to face Dan’s reaction.
“Hey,” he says soothingly, dragging me up into his lap.
My heartrate increases at the feeling of being so close to him. We might have kissed, but we’ve never been so close physically and we’ve never been alone quite like this. It’s making me nervous and every part of me begins to feel alive.
“You don’t ever have to be embarrassed around me, Abby. I can guarantee, whatever it is you’re feeling, I can double it.”
I love his honesty. I never thought a rock star would be so open and humble.
“Why?” I stammer, my voice barely audible.
“Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve said it before, there’s something about you. I was drawn to you that night in the ice cream shop and have been ever since. I’ve not felt this way in a long time, and I’ll be damned if now I’ve found you, I’m going to fight it. I’m feeling all the feels. Is that how you Americans say it?”
I let out an embarrassing snort at how ridiculous he is, wishing I could bottle up the memory and never forget how easy and uncomplicated everything feels in this moment. When I manage to regain my composure, his expression changes, and for the first time I see lust swirling in his eyes. It seems like he doesn’t want to hold back how he’s feeling and what he wants, not now we’re here alone together. So, he doesn’t.
His lips meet mine and at first, he’s tentative, not wanting to push me with how exhausted I’ve been. I don’t want to chance the kiss ending too soon, so I push back and give him more, trying to show him with my lips that I’m not fragile like he thinks. I’m not sure how long we sit there for, losing ourselves in each other, but it doesn’t feel like long enough.
I don’t want the kiss to end but Dan pulls away gently. “Believe me, Abby. There is nothing I want more than to carry on kissing you like this, but if I do, I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to stop myself taking things further.”
“Would that be such a bad thing?”
I move in steadily, attempting to pick up where we left off, but he places one finger firmly against my lips, stopping me in my tracks.
“You still look exhausted, and you haven’t eaten. Let me reheat what I made earlier.”
Gently lifting me from his lap, he places me back on the couch before heading to the kitchen and putting a plate in the microwave oven. He turns and bursts out laughing.
“What?” I ask, sulking.
I’m annoyed I haven’t been able to continue kissing him and my body is still humming in response making me all kinds of frustrated.
Confirming exactly what I thought, he replies, “If you could see your face ... Chill, there will be plenty of opportunities for that. But when we do, I want to make sure you enjoy it. I don’t just want it to be a quick shag.”
His words warm my blood, and a steady ache begins to build in between my legs. Getting myself worked up is the last thing I need, especially when Dan has confirmed, one hundred percent that he will not be going there with me tonight. I try to distract myself and think of something else but fail miserably, there is only one thing on the brain.
A few minutes pass and he returns with the plates of food. My mouth waters and before he has a chance to even sit down, I attack my plate like a ravenous beast. He watches quietly with an amused expression.
When I eventually come up for air, he says, “Water?”
I nod my head eagerly, unable to respond thanks to my mouth still being full of food. He passes me a glass full, which I guzzle down, the cool liquid satisfying my thirst and it takes only a matter of minutes to clear my plate of food, which was big enough to fill a linebacker. If Dan weren’t here watching, I definitely would have licked the plate clean.
“Just when I thought I couldn’t like you more, you put on a performance like that.”
I grin. “Attractive, huh?”
He winks. “One for the wank bank.”
“Excuse me?” I scoff.
I’m not used to hearing him speak like this, but I like it. It shows another side to him which I didn’t know was there, but also proves the girls right, we’ve only had one date and barely know anything about each other. There are so many things we have yet to learn and we’re only just starting our journey. That’s if I’m willing to jump on board for the ride.
The girls said to give myself time, but it’s unfair to string along a guy as great as Dan. Two guys in fact. Thanks to the anxiety caused by thinking about the decision I need to make, nausea threatens once more as my gut churns with guilt.
Dan notices the clear change in my mood and stands.
“We should get you back to your bus before it gets too late. You need to rest.”
“I could always stay here?” I wiggle my eyebrows suggestively, in one last ditched attempt to change his mind.
“Not a chance. I won’t be able to keep my hands off you, and that’s not what you need right now.”
Grabbing a jacket from the side, it’s his signal that it’s time to leave and I have no choice in the matter. As disappointing as it is, I get that it’s not because he wants me to leave, but because it’s what’s right.
The journey back to my own bus is quicker than expected. Walking hand in hand, as we get closer to the doors, he stops and turns so he’s facing me front on. Leaning down he gives me the gentlest, sweetest kiss I’ve ever had.
“Come see me play tomorrow. I want to know you’re there watching me. We’re on the headliner stage, it will be huge, but I can wangle VIP passes for you and your friends.”
“That would be nice.” Standing on my tiptoes, I give him another kiss.
He pulls away and I can’t tell if it’s my eyes playing tricks on me, as I watch him shiver even though the heat is unbearable. “I wish I didn’t have to say goodnight.”
“I wish you didn’t have to either.” I struggle to keep my emotions at bay because as much as I’m fighting this, and as much as I feel guilty for hiding things that have happened between me and Jake, I can’t contain the feelings for him that are developing at a rapid rate. It’s overwhelming.
He lets out a sigh and takes a step back. “I’m going to leave now, while I still have it in me to walk away. Goodbye, beautiful.”
I stand and watch his retreating form, swooning at his words and everything about him. It doesn’t take long for the doors of the bus to open and I’m pulled in by Zoe’s eager hands. She drags me to the back, shoving me down into a couch, where Sooz and Sophie are also sitting, with excited expressions on their faces.
“Spill!”
I smile to myself, getting lost in the memories of the evening. “There’s nothing to spill.”
“He said you were sleeping. Did you guys, you know …” Zoe looks at me, expecting me to reveal some sordid tale, but she’s about to be disappointed.
“No. I was exhausted and embarrassingly, fell asleep while he was cooking for me.”
“I’m calling bull.”
“I’m telling the truth. You saw how tired I was.”
“Well, that’s boring,” she huffs.
“Sorry to disappoint. But he did ask us to come watch his set tomorrow. He said he’d get us all VIP passes.”
Sooz and Sophie begin squealing with delight.
Sam wanders over, looking amused. “What are you girls making a fuss about?”
“Dan’s giving us all VIP passes to his performance tomorrow,” I reply.
“Great.” He begins backtracking with a frown on his face. “I’ll catch you guys later.”
Quickly, he walks down the bus and I catch a glimpse of him sharing hushed words with Jake, who glances over in our direction with a pissed off look.
“What was that about?” asks Sophie, not missing the animosity in the air.
“Beats me.” I shake my head and my shoulders slump as some of the happiness from my night with Dan disappears. It doesn’t matter which direction I turn, there’s always someone there, going against the choices I make. “Anyway, I’m still beat, so I’m going to call it a night.”
I make my way to one of the bunk beds and settle in quickly even with the noise of the others around me. I may have been out cold all afternoon, but I succumb to sleep quicker than I ever have before.
***
God, I’m a hot sweaty mess. Coming to, I see that it’s dark and quiet on the bus, so I guess it must either still be night, or the early hours of the morning. Kicking off the covers, I hope it will give me some relief, but it does nothing. I’m hit by a huge wave of sickness. I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me, clearly this summer has been more stressful and affected me in ways I didn’t think it would.
I roll over and pray for the nausea to pass, but wave after wave hits, with such a force that I break out in a cold sweat and it becomes unbearable. Racing to the restroom, I only just make it before emptying the contents of my stomach. When it feels like it’s passed, I sit back against the cool wall, trying to catch my breath.
It’s not long before another wave hits and I’m back where I started, with my head stuck down the toilet, praying for it to end soon.
A knock at the door startles me. I can’t even puke in private, I’m so over this summer.
“Go away,” I croak.
I wish I’d locked the door, but in my haste, it was the last thing on my mind. All I can manage is a whimper when it opens, and someone makes their way quietly into the small room.
“What’s wrong?” asks Amanda.
“What do you care?”
I shouldn’t be bitchy as she’s only being caring, but I feel so ill and she’s the last person I want seeing me in this state. She chooses to ignore me and stands with her arms folded, waiting for me to reply more reasonably.
“I’ve seen better days,” I reply more calmly.
“Do you need to see a doctor?”
“Have you never had a sickness bug before?” I chuckle and then moan as it unsettles my stomach, another wave of nausea beginning to build.
“Yes, I have. But not one that goes on for weeks.”
I blink at her. “This hasn’t been going on for weeks.”
“Are you really that dumb?”
“If you’re going to start being a bitch you can leave,” I snap.
“Sorry, it’s a habit. As I was saying, you’ve been sick a lot recently …”
“I think you’re being a bit dramatic. We’ve been drinking loads and I’m constantly hungover.”
“You’ve also looked like crap for half the tour.”
“Jeez, thanks.” If I had the energy, I would force her to leave, but I don’t, so all I can do is sit and take what she’s saying.
“I’m being serious, Abby. How many times have we all said that you look exhausted? In fact, how many times have you complained you’ve been exhausted, and it’s only getting worse. Now the nausea too …”
I sigh. “It’s a classic sign of anxiety. It’s been a rocky summer.”
“Hmm,” she murmurs to herself.
We sit for a while, me with my eyes closed, embracing the relief as another wave of sickness passes. When Amanda clears her throat, I look into her eyes and see that her expression has changed. She almost looks sick herself.
“Abby …”
“Yes, Amanda?”
“When was the last time you got your period?”
Honestly, this girl needs to get a grip. It’s the middle of the night and now we’re talking about my menstrual cycle.
“The other week, why?”
“Give me an exact date,” she demands.
“I don’t know,” I shrug. “I’ve lost track with the tour, but it was recently.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Of course, I’m sure.” I raise one brow, beginning to get annoyed. “What are you suggesting?”
“Hear me out. You’ve been tired, particularly ratty, even for you, had spells of sickness that are getting worse …” she tails off. “And I haven’t seen you once have to go to a drug store, to you know, buy supplies.” The last part she uses her fingers to make an air quote.
“Jesus, are you watching my every move now?”
“Come on. I’m being serious.”
“So am I.”
“I need you to really think about it. All of us, at least once have been caught out on this trip, and had to borrow supplies from someone, but not you. Think hard. When was the last time you had a period?”
A feeling of doom begins to creep in, as it dawns on me that what she’s asking makes sense. I haven’t the faintest idea when I last had a period and I begin to understand where her thought process is taking her.
I swallow hard. “It’s not possible.”
I must have said that part out loud because Amanda replies quietly, “It is possible, Abby.”
“But I’m on birth control?”
“Did you ever listen in sex ed? You’re not one hundred percent covered. Are you sure you’ve been taking it right?”
Oh no.
“There was the night after …” I stop awkwardly, not wanting to instill the details of Jake and I having sex on her.
She’s too focused on getting to the bottom of all this. “I’m a big girl. I can take it.”
“Well, I was sick the next day.” It all comes flooding back to me, the reason my alarm had gone off that morning, being the most hungover I think I’ve ever been in my life. Puking my guts up not long after taking my birth control pill. “Shit!”
Amanda looks confused. “Do you really think you could be?”
“I don’t know, maybe? But it was one time.”
Panic begins to set in, and I can feel myself starting to hyperventilate as it all becomes overwhelming.
“Abby, try and calm down,” Amanda says soothingly, but all it does is irritate me more.
“You fucking calm down,” I snap.
“Seriously,” she hisses. “You could wake everyone up and then they’re gonna demand to know why we’re in here. Do you want that, before you even know what the answer is?”
“No.”
“Then get it together.”
The more I sit and think, the more it all makes sense. It would explain why I’ve been so up and down in the last few weeks, the fatigue and the mood swings.
I put my head in my hands. “Oh God, what am I going to do?”
“We can’t do anything now, it’s the middle of the night.”
“No shit, Sherlock.”
“You need to get a test as soon as you can. Maybe hold off on the birth control for the next few days, you know, in case you are.” She’s so cool and calm, I would be too if I weren’t the one thinking I was pregnant.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
She looks at me bewildered. “You really need to chill out. We don’t even know for sure yet.”
“Not that,” I squeal, diving headfirst into the toilet and emptying my stomach for what is possibly the hundredth time.
What I least expect happens next.
The person who should hate me the most and who should be doing anything except helping me through this scenario, the one who should be licking her wounds and mending the pieces of her own broken heart, bends over, and spends the next hour holding back my hair, nursing me, until finally it passes and I’m able to settle again.
***
Making our way to Dan’s performance, I’m a mess. I woke up after the few hours of sleep I managed to get, once Amanda had tucked me in, with dread consuming every part of me. My mind has been running at a thousand miles an hour, and my hand keeps instinctively moving to my stomach, rubbing it soothingly. When I realized what I was doing, I told myself to pack it in before someone caught me and thought I was trying to rub one off.
Shakily, I got myself ready and managed to stomach a small bowl of cereal, but the nausea has been creeping back in gradually as the day has gone on. When I thought I was a goner, like an angel, Amanda appeared at my side with a bottle of sparkling water and some crackers, knowing exactly what I needed to try and settle it.
It was as if she could read my mind when she handed over some pain relief. When no one was close by, I quietly asked if it was safe. She shrugged and murmured that we didn’t know for certain, so I should take it rather than suffering. Who would have guessed I’d be seeking comfort from someone who’s caused so much aggravation over the summer?
Zoe keeps staring at me concerned, as we make our way into the VIP area near the stage, after she tried to buy me a drink and I refused. My stomach is still so unsettled that I don’t want to chance making it worse. It’s one thing covering it up in the black of night, but now in daylight, it’s all beginning to feel incredibly real.
It’s not long before Dan and his band begin their set and the crowd goes wild. I look behind, in awe at the thousands of people standing and cheering, consumed by the music and his breathtaking voice. It still baffles me that someone as famous and talented as him would be interested in me. I’ve no idea what it is he sees, but it makes me happy in a way I haven’t experienced in a long time.
Out of the corner of my eye, I catch Jake watching me, taking in my every move as my gaze moves back and forth between the crowd and Dan. I should try and hide the feelings I’m beginning to develop, at least attempt not to rub his face in it, but I don’t have the energy to cover it up any longer.
“Did you do a test?” whispers Amanda in my ear.
I’m furious she would bring it up here, in front of the whole group, where any of them could hear us and figure out what we’re talking about.
“Where the hell would I magic one up from? The pregnancy test fairy?”
“Abby, you need to find out, soon. You need to make sure you’re both healthy.”
I flinch at the way she says both.
“Please Amanda, just leave it. When we’re done here, I promise I will find out, but what am I supposed to do when we’re in the middle of a festival?”
“Fine,” she says. “Tomorrow we’re going somewhere and getting one. You need to know for sure and then you need to tell him.”
“Tell him what?” asks Jake, looking between the two of us. “I wasn’t aware the two of you had suddenly become so friendly.”
“It’s none of your business, Jake.”
I push past him, choosing to move forward and drink in Dan’s voice as he sings. When he looks down into the VIP area, somehow his eyes find mine and it feels like everything around me disappears.
All I see is him.
