Beg For Me by Sierra Cartwright

Chapter Nine

“Let me get this straight…”

Torin looked across at Kayla Davidson Stone, the Hawkeye operative sent to replace Mira. Then he stopped to mentally correct himself. To fill in for Mira. No one could replace her, no matter how talented or determined.

The past few weeks had been the longest of his life.

He missed everything about Mira. Her secret smiles and stunningly submissive nature. He appreciated her wild abandon.

And, fuck it all, he even missed her feminine, wildflower scent.

When he packed up her things, he’d kept her bar of soap. Maybe a bit of a masochist himself, he’d left it in its porcelain dish where he was forced to look at it numerous times a day. Though the bar didn’t really have a scent when it was dry, every time he showered, the moisture in the air seemed to release some of the fragrance, and it wrapped around him, reminding him of her. On one occasion, right after she left, the heady perfume had been so strong that he’d been convinced she’d returned.

He turned off the faucet and looked around. When she wasn’t there, disappointment seared his lungs, making it impossible to breathe.

Kayla took a big bite of her beignet and grinned as powdered sugar flew everywhere.

“What?” He wrapped his hands around his cup of café au lait but didn’t take a drink.

“You found a woman who could actually tolerate you.”

“Excuse me?”

“I know. I couldn’t believe it either when you told me.”

Across the table on the banks of the Mississippi River, he glared at her.

“So, back to the conversation…”

“Can we talk about something other than my love life?”

“Like what? It’s the only thing about you that isn’t boring.”

He’d known Kayla for years, and he’d worked with her on a couple of assignments. She’d recently settled down and she wanted to share her happiness with the rest of the world. It didn’t seem to matter that he’d prefer she stuff her joy in a little bag and stow it out of sight.

He wasn’t sure why the hell he’d told her anything about Mira. Well, except Kayla was curious about why she’d been summoned from Colorado to work with him.

This morning, around four, he’d awakened in a cold sweat, unable to move.

In his nightmares about Ekaterina, he relived the day he’d lost her. In the ones about Mira, she was very much alive, reaching out for him, and no matter what he did, he couldn’t fight through the layer that separated them in order to touch her.

After escaping the tendrils of the horror slithering through his mind this morning, he’d gone for a run and then a swim before soaking in the hot tub.

Of course, when he returned to the carriage house, Kayla had questions, and she’d relentlessly assaulted him with them until he agreed to talk. In that way, she was a lot like Araceli.

“Are you listening to me?” Kayla snapped her fingers in front of his face.

He shook his head.

“I was asking why you let her go.” She popped the rest of the French-style donut in her mouth.

He closed his jaw so fast that his back teeth smacked together. “I didn’t fucking let her go.”

“Did you tell Inamorata to go to hell? Get lost?”

Putting down his cup, he regarded Kayla.

She brushed her hands together. “When Wolf decided he wanted me and Nate, he prepared letters of resignation for all of us. He told Hawkeye the terms of our continued employment, and we were all willing to walk away unless we got what we wanted. Which was each other.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“Oh. Cuz you’re special, Commander?”

“I’m returning to Aiken next month.” After a solo vacation.

“And Mira?”

He shrugged while Kayla reached for a second pastry. When they placed their order, they’d agreed to share. But she was showing no signs of moving the plate to the middle of the table.

“Do you love her?”

“What the hell does that have to do with anything?” He drank half of his rapidly cooling café au lait.

Very much unlike her, she watched him in silence.

Finally, he fractured. His voice cracked with emotion as he spoke. “I froze.”

“You were scared.” Her tone was matter-of-fact. “That’s human. I can’t imagine coping if either Nate or Stone were to be wounded. But we can’t let our fear get in the way of living our lives. We savor each day, maybe even more than we might otherwise, because we don’t know if it will be our last.”

That wasn’t the way he wanted to live. Maybe he wasn’t even capable of it.

“Love makes cowards of us all, Commander Carter. It’s up to you what you do with that fear.” She covered his hand with hers. “You may always have the nightmares. I wonder…”

He waited for her to go on. No doubt, she would.

“Not knowing where Mira is, what’s she doing—will that make the future easier for you?” She released him to snatch the last beignet.

He knew the answer to that.

After he started sleeping with Araceli in his bed, curled next to him, his nightmares had abated. Now that she was gone, they were worse than ever.

“Only you can make your decisions. If I were you, I’d confront my fears. Because in the darkness, they grow.”

The words haunted him long past the time they returned to the carriage house. As afternoon gave way to evening, he considered going to the Quarter.

Just as he had the past ten times he thought about it, he dismissed the idea. Araceli had ruined him for other subs. He didn’t want to scene with anyone other than her. And for the first time, he had no interest in observing others.

In the darkest part of the night, he realized there was only one possible way out of this despair. He had to move through it. Acknowledge his weaknesses. Only then could he find the courage to face the risks that came with loving Araceli.

* * *

“So,I’ve been dying to ask…”

Mira stirred her rum punch with the tiny pink umbrella the bartender had placed in it. Dreading the question, she glanced at Hallie. More than ever, she was grateful for the support and help of her friend. For the past two weekends, Hallie had driven to Mira’s place in Covington, on the north shore of Lake Pontchartrain. Not only that, but she’d stayed, done some cooking, helped with the housework, and most of all, alleviated some of Mira’s constant boredom.

In her entire life, she’d never been out of commission for more than a day. Two at the most. Being incapacitated was worse than she’d ever imagined. She was lonely. And worse, she couldn’t turn her mind off.

Every day, she replayed the events of the time she’d spent with Torin.

Because she and Hallie were at a loud casual restaurant filled with other Saturday night partiers, Hallie had to shout to be heard. “Have you heard from Master Hottie?”

Mira exhaled a weighty sigh. “No.”

Hallie sat back, taking her wineglass with her. “I don’t get it.”

After regaining consciousness the night she’d been shot, Mira had seen bleakness in Torin’s eyes and known something had changed.

Had he been thinking about Ekaterina? Drowning in memories?

In response to Mira’s questions, Inamorata had been vague, merely saying that Torin was required to finish up his assignment in New Orleans.

She’d then secured Mira’s release from the hospital and sent her on her way in a limo. Since then, Hawkeye had arranged for follow-up doctor’s visits, provided all the HR paperwork to ensure she received her pay without interruption. Even though she protested that it wasn’t necessary, they’d provided meal delivery and a driver for two weeks.

Even when her mother passed, Mira hadn’t cried.

Since she left New Orleans, she hadn’t stopped.

Hallie took a drink, then looked at Mira with a frown. “That night at the Quarter, he seemed like he was really into you.”

Mira wasn’t sure how to respond. He was. Obviously, that wasn’t enough.

Hallie’s eyes lit up, and she put down her glass. “You should call him!”

“Not on your life.”

“Why not?”

She swirled her umbrella around and around. “Would you?” Mira countered.

“I think so.” Hallie nodded.

“Really?”

“I think so. Yes. At least get some closure? Right?”

The server delivered a huge plate of nachos—Mira’s favorite comfort food. Salt and warm melty cheese, with plenty of crunch. Tomorrow, she’d add a walk, maybe a short run, to her rehab program.

“Enough about me.” Mira transferred a few chips onto her plate. “How’re things with Master Bartholomew?”

“Well…” Hallie grinned. “Amazing. We played last night at the Quarter, and he stayed overnight. Evidently Bartholomew is his last name.”

Evidently? Meaning Hallie believed so but wasn’t certain?

“And yes. Before you start with your dozens of questions, he’s willing to meet you. As soon as you’re up for it, the three of us can go out to dinner or something.”

“I want a full name.”

“So you can do your spy shit?” She shook her head.

“At least give me a name.”

“Nope.” Hallie stabbed her fork into a jalapeno pepper. “Not happening.”

“Hallie…”

“You can’t give it a rest, can you?”

Mira sighed. “Of course I can. Yes.”

“Tell me about the couple who just got seated.”

Without glancing away, Mira replied. “They’ve been married about ten years, give or take. Probably a couple of kids at home. Date night. Headed to the movies after dinner. Need to get back for the babysitter by eleven.”

Hallie laughed. “It couldn’t be a first date?”

“Nah. They both look exhausted. Besides, he’d take her somewhere they could talk more intimately.”

“I rest my case!” Hallie bit into a chip while Mira frowned.

At the end of the evening, they exchanged quick hugs in the parking lot. “Call him.”

“I just need to get on with my life.” There was no sense in mourning a brief fling with her former instructor. Right? Clearly, he was not wasting any time thinking about her. Mira shook her head. “I want to meet Master Bartholomew. Let me know what day works out for you? I can meet any day next week.” She needed something on the calendar to look forward to. And poking around in Hallie’s life was much more appealing than worrying about her own.

“I’ll let you know.”

When she was back in the car, Mira pulled her phone out of her purse.

There were no missed calls. No text messages. No emails.

Even though she hadn’t expected anything different, she dropped her head onto the steering wheel as her heart splintered all over again.