His to Keep by Lydia Goodfellow

Chapter Thirty-Three

Death. Why fear it when it sounds freeing? An escape when life is a trap. They say it’s not meant to be the answer or even a solution. They say when life gets tough, to pull yourself together and keep moving and hoping and breathing. Because life’s a gift, and to give something so special back, would be wrong.

Though, for some people, death is a way. A way of ending the misery, pain, loneliness, and other feelings when a person thinks enough. What’s the point in existing if this is it?

Death. I hadn’t ever thought about it until now as I drag my feet into the bathroom adjoining Father Aaron’s room. A mixture of emotions ripping my insides to shreds, making me feel everything but nothing at the same time.

What reason do I have to exist? I’m no longer a person. I’ve lost everything. Gran, my family. Callum. I’ve lost him.

Water spurts from the taps as I turn them on. Hot, cold, I feel neither as I get into it and lie back against the cool ceramic planes of the tub. Wait as the water climbs higher and higher, slowly covering my body inch by inch. Giving me enough time to think this through and realizing, with finality, that I want this. I don’t want to be here anymore.

Before I know it, I’m underwater. I hold my breath for a little while and then let go. Liquid fills my lungs, and it should be agonizing, but it’s not.

I think about my life before this all happened as I surrender my soul. Unloved, weak Ava. Nothing but a cold, empty vessel. Tainted by the dark inhabitants of this world. No going back. I’m ready.

But sometimes. Just sometimes, the decisions you make for yourself aren’t what others make for you.

Arms wrap around me, and I’m abruptly heaved from the pool of water I’m drowning in. I’m pulled from the bathtub, slapping against a hard body as we fall to the floor. I splutter and cough up water that burns my lungs, but I can’t find air. I can’t breathe. I’m flipped onto my back, and hands push into my chest, plunging water from my lungs.

“You are not dying!” someone growls, but my eyes are still closed. “You’re not fucking dying on me!”

Warm lips slam against my cold ones. Lips I recognize. A blast of air blows into my mouth until I double over and spit up the last remnants of water. Inhaling air sharply into my lungs, I whine as I try to get control of my breathing.

Arms lift me from the floor, and my head flops against a chest. A heartbeat rages beneath my ear, thumping frantically, matching the pace of my own.

Blinking away water and tears, I think my eyes are lying to me when I see Callum holding me while leaning against the bath. He’s breathing out heavily with me wet in his arms, gripping onto me so tightly, it hurts. The look of worry, confusion, and anger mottle his expression, and I’m too stunned to pull myself away, too surprised to speak or think straight.

At that moment, he looks down at me.

“Why?” he demands, gripping me even tighter, almost shaking me. “Why the hell would you do that?”

“But you said—”

He grabs my face. “Never mind what I fucking said, Ava! Are you crazy?”

I shake my head, refusing to believe him being here. He was so cruel it has to be my mind playing tricks on me. He doesn’t care about me. He made that clear. “I hate you.”

“You don’t.”

“You touched Maisie.”

“I never went near her.”

I cover my face with my hands, shame throbbing through me. Breaking down, I sob into my hands, hiding my face from him.

“Please don’t cry,” he repeats the words his father said, and I shake my head.

“Get away from me.” I push him back, but he doesn’t let go. “Please get away from me.”

“I’m sorry,” he says, but I can’t listen to him. “I’m sorry for everything.”

“I just want to die. You shouldn’t have saved me. I mean nothing to you.”

“You mean everything to me.” Gasping, his arms come around my shaking body, and he hugs me. Immediately I try and pull away, knowing this isn’t meant to be happening and knowing he’s a lie.

“No…you’re not real.”

“I’m real, and I lied to you. The things I said were lies.” My heart aches as I smother my face into his chest and sob out loud. “I wanted to save you from him, and I failed you. It made me so angry.”

“You’re right to be disgusted with me.” I sniffle. “I didn’t even try to fight him.”

“How could you fight him? He’s a man, and you’re a girl. You’re my girl. I could never be disgusted with you.”

“I saw it.” I shiver against him, my fingertips turning blue with the cold. “In your eyes. I saw the disgust toward me.”

“We need to get you dry.”

“No.”

“Ava—”

“I said no.”

Even though Callum betrayed me the most, once again, he’s ripping my pain away, and I hate myself for it. I don’t understand why he was doing this—not after what he said—but I can’t bring myself to ask why. Why would he risk coming to this room in the first place?

I’m so confused. Even when he grabs my chin and kisses me. For what should be so wrong feels entirely right being in his arms with him kissing me. A kiss that becomes passionate and intense, his tongue trailing along my lower lip before gently entering my mouth. He may not have been my first kiss, but he was my first everything else. My first love and heartbreak.

Once again, I find myself sinking into the devil’s pit as I surrender body and soul to a liar. With his arms wrapped around me, he lays me on the floor. The world could be watching, and I wouldn’t give a damn as I grip his wet shirt and kiss him harder.

His warm, soft hands travel up my bare thighs. A moan splinters my throat. I don’t know what’s possessing me, but I want him. I want him so badly it hurts in every way possible. Moments ago, I was on the verge of death, and now I’m wrapped in the arms of the person who sent me over the edge.

I asked who he was, but who am I?

Grabbing the wet fabric of my dress, he helps me remove it. My body shivers as he kisses my neck and touches my breasts. The sensation of his warm lips on my neck has my body on fire.

“I want you,” he rasps against my throat. “I’ve wanted you so badly all this time. You’re all I think about. All I want. You die, I die. Do you get that?”

Reaching for the hem of his shirt, I tug it upward over his head. His lips crash down onto mine, the heat of his body banishing the coldness away.

I touch him and enjoy his moans and shudders as I move my fingers down his pale, hard chest. I inhale sharply as his hand lightly brushes my stomach and then disappears beneath my panties. He touches between my legs, rubbing me in a way that turns my bones to liquid.

I shake with trepidation and suffocating need. Knowing what I’m doing is wrong makes it all the sweeter, and maybe this is the new Ava I’ve become. The Ava I need to be to survive this.

His fingers rub circles around my clit, and before I know it, his pants are down by both our doing, and he’s thrusting inside of me hard and fast. “Callum,” I moan.

“Shh,” he hushes me. “You’ll wake up Maisie.”

“Please don’t say her name,” I groan, trying not to let the doubt ruin this moment. Though it melts away when he pushes into me again, filling and stretching me far deeper than he’s ever been inside of me before.

“Do you want me?” he asks as my body quivers and writhes beneath him. I arch my hips, eager for more of him. And like he can read my mind, he picks up the pace, no longer careful or holding back.

Burying his face into my neck, he gently bites down, causing me to put my hand over my mouth to stop from screaming. Instead, a muffled sound of pleasure comes. And like always, I come undone so suddenly, I feel like I’ve fallen off the earth.

Convulsing and squirming beneath him, Callum’s moans fill the silence as he continues pumping inside of me hard. “Ava…I’m…I need to…”

It’s too late when he comes inside of me, filling me with him as his hips jerk into mine. Then, he collapses on top of me, breathing heavily into my neck.

“I love you,” he breathes out. “I always have from the moment I saw you.” Lifting his head, he grabs my face and whispers, “And I have a plan. You need to listen to everything I say. Because it’s not going to be easy.”