Baby From Frost by Ashe Moon
6
Raka
My memoriesof my mother were more impressions than anything else, a feeling of warmth, comfort, and then emptiness. But I wanted to believe she was strong, and that all of my resilience had come from her. The nature of my birth was not something I’d ever considered, hadn’t even crossed my mind until Delos had asked. How had she done it? It must’ve been terrifying for her to not know how it would happen and to not have anyone to turn to. My father must’ve cared, but the rest of the family…
Delos and I went to the third floor, where I signed out a set of brass keys from the conservator who was sitting behind a tall desk. The old omega stamped a set of forms, opened a box, and passed the jangling ring to me, along with a glow cube. “You’ll need this,” they said. “It’s dark in there.”
“What’s that?” Delos asked, referring to the glass cube about the size of a tomato, with metal on two opposing sides.
I held the cube with the metal sides pinched between my thumb and three fingers, and the inside glowed white with an insect-like droning hum.
“Glow cube,” I said, and I handed it to him.
“Thunder dragon energy,” he said with awe. He looked as excited as Oli on a day off from class. “I’ve never worked with thunder alchemy. I don’t meet thunder dragons very often.”
His elation was adorable. It reminded me of the way he’d acted when he boarded the ship from the south—so fascinated with everything he was seeing.
“You’ll be thrilled to know that Shen is a thunder dragon,” I said. “He worked with the house alchemist to make these cubes. They’re necessary for working in the Librarium’s older wings, where they haven’t installed the gas lines. They’re much easier on the eyes than firelight, and they don’t give off much heat. Safe for working around so much paper.”
Delos was so absorbed by the cube he would’ve fallen down a flight of stairs if I hadn’t grabbed him by the arm.
“You’re just like Oli,” I said. “He’s always been fascinated with magic.”
“You never taught the boy to fly,” Delos said. “Or use his dragon form.”
“Using my dragon form is hardly inconspicuous,” I said. It was a sore topic. I knew I was withholding something important from Oli, something he was curious about. But even if it were safe for me to go out in dragon form, I was hardly the one to teach him. “And I never really learned how, either.”
“You can’t fly?”
“I was never taught.”
When I was a child, I tended to avoid shifting. I was teased by my brothers and cousins for the abilities I lacked that came so easily to them, told that my dragon form was stunted and small. But they were just as likely to berate me for staying in my human form all the time. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
“Maybe you could teach him.”
“Me?” Delos said. It was an offhanded suggestion and I had no expectations, so I was startled when he said, “I could do that. And you could learn, too.”
“I appreciate it, Delos. But you know my answer to that.”
“We can find a place where no one will know. No one will see you. It’ll just be the three of us.”
“This is the Delos I remember,” I said. “He can’t take a hint.”
“Sorry,” he said.
“It’s alright. Here we are.”
I stopped in front of a door dotted with iron studs, and I unlocked it with one of the keys. It opened to a dark, musty room with rows of locked, glass-windowed bookshelves. Delos held up the glow cube so we could see where we were going.
“Why do they keep these locked up?”
“They’re old,” I said. “The old, rare, and obscure records are kept locked for safekeeping.”
“I don’t understand why this information is so hard to access,” he mused. “There must be more half-dragons out there than we think.”
“Maybe,” I said, and I thought again of my mother. “But if people are afraid of judgment, maybe they leave the process to the Gods.”
“It’s ridiculous. No one should be afraid of being judged for who they love. And if they read their history, they’d know humans and dragons have been mingling since the dawn of time.”
“Most don’t know. I didn’t know anything until I came to the Librarium. It was the Long War that changed everything, six generations ago, when the humans changed the balance of power in the world.”
“I only know what Rainor has explained to me,” Delos admitted. “One of my flight mates. He enjoys lore.”
“How many are in your flight?” I asked.
“Six, including me. Three dragons, two humans, and one human child.”
“That’s wonderful,” I said.
“Altair showed us the way,” he said. “He took a human as his omega. I was wary at first. I was very hesitant about outsiders, in general. I’m protective of our family, and it took me some time to realize that genuine trust in my flight brothers meant fully accepting who they chose to bring into our circle.”
“Would you have felt different about me if you’d known I was half-human when we’d met?”
He thought about this for a few seconds. “I would’ve fallen for you just the same,” he said quietly. “I might’ve been hesitant at first, but I would’ve learned that there’s more to a person than their meat container.”
This made me laugh.
“I didn’t fall for you because you were a dragon,” he went on. “I didn’t know a thing about you. I fell for you because you’re you.”
I had to turn away into the dark so that he couldn’t see my face. I knew I wouldn’t be able to hide my feelings from showing. I hadn’t expected to be so touched by the answer he’d given me, but I was on the verge of crying. But also, I was so thankful that Delos hadn’t been alone all this time. He’d ended up with a wonderful new family, and that was everything I’d wanted for him.
“Oh, and we also have Soot,” he said.
“Soot?”
“He’s a cat.”
“You have a cat?” I said, amused. “I don’t believe it.”
“He’s a little shit. But I do enjoy his company.”
I stopped in front of the cabinet with the matching location code I’d found in the catalog book. Delos brought the cube up to the glass window so that we could see the worn spines and yellowing rolls of paper contained inside. Every item had a red cloth identification tag with an additional code. I unlocked the cabinet, slid the door aside, and grabbed the book with the right tag. It was a small manual that could easily fit inside of a coat pocket, with no covers, just a cord binding through four holes on the short side of the paper.
“That’s it?” Delos said.
“This is it,” I said. “The catalog has it titled as A Record of the Wisdom of the World Beneath.”
I signed off on the book and we brought it to an empty table in the corner of the wing.
“Once you’ve found what you need, you’ll be done here, won’t you?” I said.
Delos looked at me, confused. “Yeah. I mean, that’s good, isn’t it? It’s trouble for you to have me around here.”
I said nothing. He was right that his being here made things complicated. But for once, I was happy to have things be complicated.
“My shoulder needs to heal, anyway,” he said. “You’ll have to put up with me for a little while.”
“That’s fine,” I said quickly. “I’m fine with that.”
“You know, Raka, it sounds like you don’t want me to go.”
“I didn’t say that. I just meant you shouldn’t do anything to hurt yourself. Make sure your shoulder is fine before you leave.”
I touched his shoulder blade, not even thinking about what I was doing. I’d been longing to touch him again. After patching him up yesterday, it was like a long-dormant and forgotten hunger had been reawakened. My fingers were drawn to him. I wanted to bring him comfort, to make up for how I’d hurt him. I could see it in his eyes as he stared at me, the coldness he felt towards me—but then his hand slipped onto my thigh and moved down to gently squeeze my knee, and I was suddenly back on the ship, sitting next to him on our crowded bunk where he’d touched me in the same way. More memories snapped through my head, clear and sharp as ice.
My hand drifted down his back and I snuck my fingers into his waistband at his hip and kept on going until my thumb hooked over the lip of his pants. Delos brought his hand to my cheek but hesitated to touch me. I couldn’t blame him. At least one of us was still thinking clearly… But when he brushed his fingers across my neck, it was like all the ties had come loose. I clutched his forearm with my free hand and felt his muscles pull as he curled his hand around the back of my neck and pulled my face towards his. It was just how I remembered—a feeling of helplessness, a stunning loss of control. I knew it was a bad idea but I wanted to do it anyway, consequences be damned. Our lips drew close, and—
The clatter of wheels on stone hurtled us apart, and we sat rigid like two schoolchildren nearly caught sharing test answers. An old conservator hobbled over behind a cart with books twice their height. He stopped at the shelf in front of our table and, with the speed of an ancient snail, unfolded a stepping stool and began to return the books to their places.
“Better get to work,” Delos mumbled.
“Yes,” I said, flushing.
He smoothed the worn face of the book with his palm, squinting at the faded words written on the cover.
“What does that say?” he said, leaning in. He turned the first pages. “Uh, this is the right book?”
The page was written in an alphabet that looked like a dragon’s footprints stamped with the claw line aligning with the direction of the points of a compass. I double-checked the tag. “Yeah, this is it. The title must be a translation.”
Each page of the dragon writing unfolded with small diagrams—illustrations of eggs and other baby-related things. It was the right book, just not the right language. But with the age and breadth of the Librarium’s collection, it was no surprise to find something written in the old Dragotic script.
“We’ll have to get it translated,” I said. “Scholar Melok is on loan to the Librarium in Pas Pertu at the moment. We’d have to go to Scholar Peter.”
“Is there a problem?”
“He doesn’t like me very much. I probably deserve it.”
Delos gave me a curious look.
“He’s a cranky old bastard, and he reminds me of my father. So…I might’ve rearranged all of his reference books and put laxatives in his tea once or twice. He’s always had it out for me, though.”
“You’re ice cold, Raka,” Delos said. “Is this where Oli gets his mischief from? Because I don’t think it’s from me.”
“That’s what Shen tells me,” I said, shrugging. “I have a low tolerance for horseshit.”
Delos laughed. “I know. That’s what drew me to you.”
The old conservator, who was still creakily working away, turned around and pressed his finger to his lips. “Shhh. This is a librarium.”
Delos lowered his voice. “Luckily I know a lore fanatic who can read a bit of Dragotic. The question is if he’ll be able to make it over here.”
“It appears like the universe arranged to keep you here for a while longer. Regardless of how you or I feel about it.”
I knew that every minute we spent near each other would only add complication to my life. I knew that, just like seven years ago, getting attached would only mean catastrophe. And just like then, my handle on my desires was much weaker than I would’ve liked to admit.
Delos penned a letter for Old Shore Port and left it with the Librarium’s courier, and afterward, because no material was allowed to leave the building, we returned the book to its place. Delos explored the rows while I finished locking up, the light from the glow cube casting thin shadows from the shelves onto the floor, like moonlight in a forest. I was distracted by his silhouette, the shape of his face carved out in the darkness. We were all alone, the door to the room was shut, and I couldn’t stop thinking about him touching me.
But the reality was that I’d never been able to forget the way it felt to be touched by him. Even in the ascetic lifestyle of the Fraternity, I’d been unable to burn those memories out of my head. They always came back in my fantasies as the only way I could finish myself. I’d shamefully wished to be with Delos again, even though I knew that it was impossible. But now that he was here in front of me…
I locked up the cabinet, made my stamp in the logbook, and as Delos was about to open the door, I pushed my hand against it, stopping him. He looked at me but said nothing.
“Does the door lock from the inside?” he asked.
“No,” I said. My heart beat noisily and my skin flushed with sensitivity. I turned my hips in an attempt to hide the swell of excitement showing between my legs. “No one’s going to come here.”
Before I knew it, I was reaching out for him. My arms slipped around him, found the deep curve of his back muscles, and moved up to his shoulder blades. His good hand pushed down and palmed my ass. Then he ditched the sling and grabbed me with both hands, hoisting me up in one jerk so that I straddled his hips, my thighs clenched tight around him.
“It doesn’t hurt?” I said.
“I’ll deal with it,” he answered, and with one kiss I learned what it felt like to completely lose myself.
My mind emptied everything except that need for him which I’d fought to squash into a corner, and now it was filling me, taking me over with a cold heat that burned deep inside of me, the same fire that wrestled away all control seven years ago.
He had me against the stacks, clattering the cabinet windows down the row. Our tongues pushed together, slick warmth, trading breaths. Our bodies sapped the temperature from the air—for an ice dragon, the cold was like heat, and we were on fire. Delos pressed his face against my neck, his kisses drawing moans from my lips as I pulled him closer, almost threatening to smother him with my skin. He drove between my legs, my thighs riding his hips, and I tugged desperately at his shirt, hungry to feel all of him against me. Then I finally got it off,cast it thoughtlessly aside, and reveled in the form of his trim muscles under my fingers, the firm prick of his nipples, the rolling dunes of his abs. I slid down his body onto my knees and took his pants with me along the way, tugging them to his calves. He looked surprised by what I was doing but didn’t protest, and I was too far deep to take a step back now. So much for my self-control—I just wanted to make all those faded memories clear again.
The glow cube had fallen onto the floor next to me. Its light would persist for a few minutes before it needed to be reactivated, and it cast a pale light along the length of Delos’s erection and accentuated the shape of the pleasure ridges along its thick base, to the swell and taper of the head.
By the Gods, I didn’t want to admit how often I’d dived into memories of him, of the feeling of this cock inside of me. I’d mined every single facet of those memories until there was nothing left. I’d been ashamed of fantasizing over an alpha I’d left behind, I knew I didn’t have any right to think about him after what I’d done, but the truth was that I’d never been able to leave him out of my thoughts.
Maybe it all showed on my face because Delos looked down at me and gently stroked my hair. His expression was stoic and chilly, but his touch was warm and just as tender as I’d remembered.
I’m sorry, Delos, I thought as I wrapped my fingers around him through the curl of his pubic hair. I’m awful and I never deserved to be loved by you. But I want to show you how I feel.
I enclosed his head with my lips and drew from the crest to tip, swirling my tongue across the most sensitive parts, leaving it wet with my saliva. Delos closed his eyes and let out a low rumble of a groan. His fingers pushed through my hair against my scalp. I went further, taking him in deeper, running my tongue all along him. He dripped, a mixture of his delicious liquid arousal and my spit. I pushed him into my fist and stroked as I swallowed him. I moved quickly, perhaps a little too eagerly, and brought him deeper than I could tolerate. I spluttered and coughed, the slick hung from my chin, and Delos said, “Take it easy,” but I was already back on him, and this time I knew how to take him. He gripped my hair, held it firm, and I invited him all the way down my throat and held him there as long as possible. He grimaced and I felt him moving, a steady throb through his entire length.
The sudden click and creak of the door sent Delos stumbling backward onto his ass just as our glow cube lost the rest of its light. I threw myself onto him in the darkness, and we scrambled further down the row of shelves away from the opening door. I looked through the gaps in the books and saw a scholar shuffling down the far aisle.
“No one comes in here?” Delos hissed, and I pushed my palm over his mouth.
Now I could see a glimpse of their legs and their shadow on the ceiling from their glow cube.
“Why is it so bloody cold in here?” the scholar complained.
They stopped their slow procession, and the jingle of keys filled the air. They were two rows down from us, looking over the books, and I was feeling bold. With my hand still over Delos’s mouth, I slipped my other hand down his front until I found his cock, and then slowly twisted my grip up his length. I felt his lips moving against my palm, protest or pleasure, it didn’t matter. I stroked him faster, trying to keep it silent.
I leaned forward. “Shhh.” I took my hand away from him and I untied my belt, pushed down my pants, and slowly moved on top of him. My eyes adjusted to the blackness, and I could see Delos staring up at me, breathing heavily, waiting for me to make a move. The scholar unlocked a cabinet, and the clattering sound of his sliding it open masked our unavoidable moans as I lowered myself onto his cock.
The squeeze of tight pain only lasted a second, and he was all the way inside of me. I sat as still as I could with my face pushed into the crook of my elbow to block another moan from escaping. The feeling of him inside of me was incredible, like every ridge and swell along his dragon cock was perfectly sculpted to match my pleasure spots. The key fit, pushed the tumblers into place, and unlocked. I was in heaven. I steadied myself and moved my body up and down, riding the length of him, still fighting a losing battle to stay silent.
When the scholar cleared his throat, I paused with Delos halfway inside of me and looked to see if we’d been caught. The old man muttered something to himself about ghosts as he swung around and walked down the row right next to where we were. I kept still and held my breath, but Delos had other ideas. He grabbed my wrists, and I felt him slowly moving his hips up. “No!” I mouthed, but with one hard thrust he was in deep, and I barely managed to keep a sound from escaping my lips. With my wrists held firm, the only thing I could do was tuck my face against my shoulder to stifle my moans. The scholar was right there. I could see his legs through the gaps in a stack of scrolls, could hear him deliberating over which book he needed. I could get in major trouble if he caught us, but knowing that only got me hotter. If this was a punishment from Delos, then I would take it all—I needed it. I deserved it.
The scholar had to be hard of hearing because even though I kept my mouth shut, it was impossible to hide the other sounds coming from me as Delos rocked into me. I was so wet with arousal that every thrust should’ve betrayed us. But the old man continued his business, selected his books, locked the cabinet, and shuffled his way out.
The moment the door closed and we were alone again, Delos put me onto my back with my knees spread and my ass raised. He aligned his cock with my entrance, holding it stiff by the base, and then slammed into me. I didn’t hold my voice back this time and there was nothing that would’ve been able to conceal the stiff clap of skin on skin. Then, he cradled my neck and drew me into a long, deep kiss that carried me to my finish.
When the climax hit, I was completely lost in the cascade of everything at once—the intense physical pleasure, but also all of the sadness I’d sidelined from justifying why I’d done what I’d done, the sense of loss, the guilt, the loneliness, all of it right alongside the fact that he was here with me. He pulled me against him and squeezed so tightly I knew his arm had to be in pain, but he didn’t let up, and his face went tight as he reached the edge. I felt him swelling inside of me, and the bulge of his ridges in climax sent another shock of pleasure through my body. My cock tensed and my finish seemed to come in never-ending spurts that dripped down my length onto my balls and Delos’s cock. He jerked himself out of me, gasping as he finished himself off on my bare stomach, and the icy heat of his come tingled my skin. The stone under my back had gone pale with frost. Delos leaned in and kissed me again as our breath puffed little clouds into the air.
Delos lit the glow cube and, after cleaning ourselves up, we gathered our clothes off the ground. The human side of me was feeling the cold, my skin pricked with goosebumps.
“You and I have a talent for making things complicated, don’t we?” Delos said, pulling on his shirt.
“Yes, we do. I’m starting to think we like it complicated.”
“No, not me. I like things simple.” He hooked his arm across my chest from behind and pulled me against him. I felt the bulge of his cock against my ass, still swollen, and he murmured into my neck. “This is how things always should’ve been. You and me. It could’ve been like this.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “We can’t change how things went. But we’re here together now.”
“For how long?” he said. “We’re in another countdown. Only, this time, I’m the one who has to leave.”
“Maybe you don’t have to,” I said.
“I’m a firefighter. I have my flight and my home to take care of.”
“You have me, too,” I said.
Delos stepped away and finished dressing. His face went dark. “My flight has been everything I’ve had for these seven years. Where have you been?”
Ouch. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything, I knew that I was being selfish and unfair, but I wanted him to be with me.
“You could come with me,” he said. “You and Oli, to Old Shore Port.”
“I can’t,” I said regretfully. “It’s just too dangerous.”
He sighed. “Then I guess there’s nothing we can do about any of it.”
“So, while you’re here…?”
“Then from here on, we’d better keep our hands to ourselves,” he said regretfully.
I couldn’t hide my disappointment. “Yes, I think so, too.”
“And what about Oli?” he asked. “Should we tell him who I am?”
“Do you want to?”
Delos thought about this for a moment. “He may not understand why I can’t stay or why he can’t come with me. But I think he deserves to know who his father is.”
“I should’ve told him before,” I said. “I should’ve told you… I’m sorry, Delos.”
He nodded silently and turned away. All I wanted to do was reach out and embrace him. I thought I was being strong, doing what was right to protect myself and Oli. It was the mantra I’d stuck to for almost a decade—stay here, stay hidden, stay safe. But now, maybe what I thought was strength was just my fear. I couldn’t tell. It was like I was in a blizzard, and what had once been clear was now impossible for me to see.
After putting Oli to bed, I went out to the living room shared between Shen’s and my quarters. Shen was sitting on a floor cushion reading a book, and without looking up, he said, “Had a rough day?”
“What led you to that conclusion?” I asked.
“Ra, after all the time we’ve spent with each other, I can just about read your mind.” He shut the book. “Something happened today, didn’t it?”
“No,” I said.
“You know, if I didn’t get you so well, I’d probably be a little hurt that you still can’t trust me enough to open up about your life before the Librarium.”
I went to the kitchen and made two glasses of iced tea for us. “I trust you,” I said, sitting down at the low table. “More than anyone else.”
“Ra, I don’t want to pressure you. But I don’t like seeing you upset, and let me tell you, I haven’t seen you this out of sorts since your first year here.”
I was touched that he could tell that much. And I felt terrible that I’d kept Shen at arm’s length this whole time, despite my affection for him. This entire thing with Delos had pulled the veil back from my eyes. There were things about myself I hadn’t been able to see before—or maybe I hadn’t wanted to see them.
“By the Gods, Shen, I don’t know where to start.”
“Well… If you want to tell me, you can start at the beginning.”
I smiled glumly at him. “There’s a lot.”
“And I’m here to hear it all. Give me the whole story, friend.”
I started by telling him my full name, then about my family. The details came out slowly, sparsely at first, but I found myself wanting to share everything and let it all flow out. It took an hour just to tell him about my childhood, about how my brothers tricked me into jumping from a cliff on Peutong mountain because I thought it would turn me into a full dragon, and so many other stories I’d kept secret, too ashamed and afraid to ever consider releasing them. Shen listened quietly but intently, in that sharp and comforting way he always did when I had something to complain about. Then I told him about my escape, how my brothers had nearly found me, and why I knew I had to disappear. Then, finally, I told him about Delos.
“You didn’t have to tell me to know that you two had a deep connection,” he said. “It was obvious in the way you spoke about him when he showed up. And when I saw his face, I knew he had to be Oli’s father. He’s your alpha. Put twenty years between you two and you still wouldn’t be able to forget him.”
“Don’t say that,” I said.
“Ra…ka. I’m not going to get used to calling you Raka. Raka, you need to face up to your reality. You two are bonded. Some might call it fate.” He sighed. “I’m jealous, frankly speaking.”
“I didn’t know you were a romantic, Shen,” I said.
He snorted incredulously. “It’s hard to be romantic when the only alphas we see through here are a million years old. I’ve got needs like any omega. And I tell you, if I had a connection like you do, I wouldn’t let it go. Especially not a second time.”
“If only things were different,” I said. “Then maybe I’d have that luxury.”
“You really think you and Oli will be happy living here forever? Even I’m working on getting out.”
“It’s safe, at least.”
“It’s been safe, but will it always be? What real difference would there be in going with him and staying here? At least you’d have a flight of alphas watching over you.”
“I don’t know,” I said, pushing my face into my hands. “I really don’t know, Shen.”
“I get that you’re afraid after all you’ve been through. But let me suggest something radical—maybe you don’t have to look out for yourself all the time anymore. Maybe your icy boyfriend can do some of the work if you let him.”
The thought of putting Oli and myself in the hands of another person made my chest tight. Shen was on the mark. I wasn’t ready to rely on anyone else.
