Heartless Lover by Faith Summers

25

Summer

Iwake with the sun as the radiant beams spill over me. When I open my eyes, the person I’m looking at is the one I never expected to see.

Eric’s sitting on the window bay with his head resting on the wall and his gaze on the waking city.

The moment I stir though, he looks at me, and he looks like he hasn’t slept.

I want to ask him what he’s doing in here but I decide against that since this is his home and he can be wherever he wants to be.

It’s me who’s the guest and I’m only borrowing this room.

He straightens up when his eyes dart from me to my journal lying on the bed next to me.

When his gaze settles on me again, I wonder if he was in here long enough to look inside it. I meant to put it back in my bags but I fell asleep. I cried myself to sleep. The weight of grief got to me and I had to cry.

Then I found myself looking through the whole journal and venturing to the pages that shouldn’t be there. Years ago I tainted my journal with clippings of Ted and the façade he is because it felt like my safe place; the only place I could bare my soul.

“Morning,” Eric says.

“Hi.”

I don’t know what’s going on or why he’s here when he made it clear yesterday that he wasn’t going to be around. I’ve been thrown away enough times to take a hint so I filled in the blanks.

“What’s going on?” I ask.

Maybe he found Robert. That could be why he’s here. My stomach clenches at the anticipation.

“Nothing. I was just checking on you.”

“I didn’t know when you came in. I was sleeping.”

“It was early so I expected that.”

“Did you sleep in here?” I give him a narrowed look.

He smirks. “No I didn’t sleep, but I was here.”

“Did you want me for something?” Because him being here makes no sense.

“I’m going to take you to see your father.”

As we stare at each other, I’m not sure what to say. I won’t pretend I don’t feel some relief for hearing he’s going with me, the same as I won’t pretend I know I shouldn’t need him. I’ve spent years strengthening myself so I wouldn’t need anyone. He can’t just walk into my life and change my rules, but he has.

I can also accept when I’m not strong enough to push back. Today I’m not and I fear going to see my father. The time I’ve taken to get myself ready for today hasn’t helped. I’m just as nervous as I was on day one.

“How comes?”

His eyes darken to that stormy, turbulent blue and he lifts his chin.

“I just felt you needed me. Do you?”

I have that feeling again. As if I’m talking to two different people and this is the softer version of him. I haven’t met this version though and right now he offers a comfort I can’t resist. So I decide to tell the truth.

“Yes.”

“Well, I’m here. I’ll make you breakfast, then we’ll go. I’ve already messaged your father and told him we’ll be there early.”

“Thank you.”

“Come on, let’s grab something to eat.”

I slide off the bed when he stands and as I put my journal away he looks at it again.

If he read it, all he would have is more questions and he’s had no shortage of those since we met. But this time he’d have questions about Ted I’m not supposed to tell anyone, or I’m dead.

I’m just at a fragile place in my life where I’m not sure about living anymore.

* * *

As Eric and I speed down the highway, the bright morning sun beams down on my trembling hands.

I’m a nervous wreck and I can’t swallow past the ever growing lump in my throat. There’s a dryness right at the back that keeps threatening to lock off my airways and suffocate me.

When we turn on to a country road I start looking around. I’ve never been to Dad’s house in L.A before so the newness of seeing the surroundings fascinates me.

After Mom died Scarlett would have finished school here. Ted, of course was more than agreeable for her to live with Dad, there was no question in it.

By then she knew the truth, the same as Mom and Dad did. She was just the only person who believed me. She tried to get Dad to listen but I knew he wouldn’t hear of it. Then my sister spent years trying to bridge the gap between us, refusing to believe the bridge had been burned down and there was nothing left to fix.

I was already broken. I broke that night after Ted married my mother and would use their bed in the dead of night to molest me. I was thirteen when it first happened and it continued for three years. Before they got married he’d look at me and I knew something would happen one day. Then he came with his threats and I was helpless.

As the years went by it became evident something was wrong with me. On the face of it I had what looked like anorexia, but beneath that was just the symptoms of what was really going on. Then when I got pregnant I started to eat again, not knowing why. Everyone thought I was okay, until I wasn’t.

Dad was the first to know about my pregnancy. I fainted at school and was rushed into the ER when they couldn’t wake me. My blood pressure was too low. When the doctors couldn’t reach Mom they called my father instead and told him the news.

I told him what Ted had been doing to me and he didn’t believe me.

He then told Mom and I know she would have known straightaway whose baby it was. She acted like she didn’t believe me either. A week later she killed herself after she and Ted had the worst argument ever and left me that note I’ll never forget.

In the end we all ended up with nothing and Ted’s threats he used to control me over the years meant nothing. I was the one who got hurt in the end. He fucked up my life and my mother died hating me with her last breath.

Eric taps my hand, cutting into my thoughts.

“You all right?” he asks.

“Yeah.”

“We’re here,” he announces and I gear myself up for disaster.