Fighting Conviction by Greer Rivers

Chapter Thirty-Six

The sweet euphoria that always flowed in his veins after he shot up, halted at once, freezing his blood in place. Neal opened his eyes to his empty living room.

Well, it wasn’t really his living room. It couldn’t have been. But it reminded him of his living room from the past. Back when Cici was still alive.

Brighter. Cleaner.

Neal sat up abruptly in his chair and searched the side table. No bent spoon. No baggie. No trash on the floor. His eyes scanned the rest of the room and found no cork board covered in his obsessive search for freedom. He glanced into the kitchen and blinked rapidly.

“C-Cici? Is that you?”

The love of his life stood behind the kitchen counter as if she’d never left. She lifted her serene smile but continued to knead the bread in front of her. “Well, of course it is, silly.”

Cici turned to an awfully familiar teenaged girl in the corner of the kitchen. “Hurry, dear. It’s not their time. She needs your help.”

The girl’s dark curls bounced as she nodded her head and gave a wistful smile, mischievous and sad at the same time. “One last time,” she whispered before breathing deeply. After a quick exhale, she opened the door to the pantry and closed it behind her.

“W-who was that?”

“Oh, don’t worry about it, dear. We have to be quick, too, I’m afraid.”

The Cici of more than a decade ago stopped kneading the dough to tuck a short curl behind her ear. She looked happy, young, healthy. The sight brought tears to his eyes.

“But y-you’re…”

“I know, sweetie.” The faint wrinkles around her eyes crinkled in worry. “I know.”

“You know? You know you’re… gone?”

Cici gave a faint smile and brushed her hands against her apron, leaving flour just like old times. Whenever she’d baked, he’d always teased her because while the welcoming scent of bread filled the air, clouds of flour covered everything else.

She took a step toward him, but he staggered back when she all of a sudden appeared in front of him with her hand stretched out.

“It’s time to go, Neal. We can go together now. I’ve been waitin’ for you.”

Neal blinked at her hand in confusion.

“I’m sorry, dear. But we have to go. It’s now or never.”

“You’re… gone. I saw you…”

He blinked and he was in his bathroom, watching the past unfold like a movie. One that had been a constant rerun in his mind for eight years.

He pushed his fingers down her throat and shoved her head into the toilet before she threw up on him. The hacking and choking hurt his heart, but losing her would kill his soul.

“Leave me alone, Neal! Just let me go! I don’t want any of it anymore!”

“No, stop.” Cici’s command killed the vision and walked behind him in the now empty bathroom. “Don’t think about that. Not now. It’s all over. Just come with me and you’ll never worry again.”

She stretched out her hand and he stared until another vision took over and he found himself in their bedroom.

He stretched his open palm, waiting for Cici to give him the orange bottle. She’d been hiding the pills under the mattress again. As a nurse, it was easy for her to get them and he didn’t want to rat on her and get her fired. Besides, sometimes her job was the only thing that got her out of the house. She’d sworn she’d stopped and he’d checked around the house, but the pills kept turning up, like weeds choking the life out of his beautiful garden.

“All you have to do is clean yourself up, Cici. You can do it. Just dial it back, one step at a time. We’ll do it together.” His hand twitched as he tried to be firm, but not so insistent she shut down, or snapped and refused to listen.

“The physical pain was less.” The memory evaporated and a healthy Cici stood in front of him. “But the emotional…” She clutched her heart, leaving powdery flour on her chest.

“You got dependent on the pills. And the depression got worse,” he muttered.

She gave a small smile. “Not a great combination, huh?”

“God, you were so sick for so long…”

He was an apparition in the bathroom again, watching the scene they’d gone through in real life more times than he could stomach.

He pulled her head from the toilet after she’d finished coughing and wiped her lips with a cool cloth.

“Say it with me, baby. I can get better. We’ll do it together.”

“No, Neal, I can’t. It’s too much. It’s all too much. You don’t understand. Please, just let me go.”

“No, Cici, you can beat this. Let’s do it together.”

She whipped her head up at him with a hateful glare. “Don’t you get it? I’m tryin’ to die to get away from you! Just let me go!”

“I tried to hurt you that day.” Cici sighed and shook her head. “I said the worst thing I could think of.”

“It worked,” Neal mumbled and swiped a hand down his face. “But you were right. I didn’t realize what pain you were talkin’ about… until I felt it myself.” He sighed and they were back in the living room, with him sitting in his chair and her holding out her hand. He looked up in her adoring eyes and felt peace… and regret.

“I’m sorry, Cees. So sorry I pushed you to that. If I’d been sober sooner. If I’d been there for you, seen the signs.”

“Shh, shh. No, Neal. It wasn’t your fault. I was sick.”

“The cancer… I know. That’s what snapped me out of it—”

“No, Neal. Before that.” She tapped her head. “My mind was sick. My heart…” She brought her hand down to her heart and covered it as she shook her head.

“Because of me, right?” His heart ached for her answer. “I was distant. A drunk. I pushed you away.”

“No, honey. You can’t blame yourself for the things in my mind that made life unbearable. The cancer was just the tipping point. I couldn’t hold on anymore. But stop blaming yourself. You’ve been living off of my worst moments for too long. It’s time to give that guilt up. I’m at peace now.”

“You are?”

She nodded with a gentle smile and held her hand out again. “Come walk with me, Neal.”

He looked up from her hand and they were in the field where they’d married, behind the church they’d faithfully gone to. He looked at her face and she was skipping backward through the wheatgrass. It was the Cici from their wedding day. Young and vibrant. Full of life.

“Come Neal. It’s so peaceful.” She giggled and twirled in her simple ivory gown.

He choked on emotion. It was such a relief to see her smiling again. He took a step forward to follow her, but a hard tug at his back kept him from moving. “It’s been so hard without you Cees.”

She stopped running and the older Cici was in front of him again in a blink, still just as beautiful.

“I know. And I know why.”

“You do?”

She nodded. “I was never mad at you before I was sick. You were sick then, too, with your own demons to fight.” She sighed. “You’ve been living with my last words playing like a record. But there were so many good ones before that. We both could’ve done that more I think. Focused on the good. It might’ve helped.” She held out her hand again. “But none of that matters here, Neal. It’s wonderful. Peaceful. I want this for you.”

Neal looked at her hand and stepped forward, fighting against the pull at his back but it was too strong. “I can’t go with you Cees.”

“Why not? Just take my hand.” She looked behind her and faced him again. “Please Neal, we don’t have much time and we can’t stay here.”

“I-I’m scared.”

She smiled. “Come on, honey, we’ll do it together.” She took small steps backward, her hand stretched to him. “Walk with me in peace.”

His feet were glued to the ground and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t pull them from the dirt.

Her sigh reached him and blew against his skin. “I love you, Neal.” The light behind her shined so all he could see was her dark outline. He covered his eyes to keep from being blinded. When he lowered his hand, Cici’s shadow was nearly gone, faint against the bright background.

What was he doing? His wife was in front of him. Why wasn’t he going after her? He could be with her again. Cici didn’t blame him, like he’d thought. She’d forgiven him before he even realized. What was stopping him from doing the same? From forgiving himself?

Neal tried to step forward, out of the mud. He looked down to try to free his foot, expecting a dirty, watery current holding him back. But there was nothing but tall grass.

He huffed his frustration and lifted each foot with all his might until each step was easier than the last. Neal laughed, triumphant he could race after her, but when he looked up even Cici’s shadow was gone. He turned around, unable to remember which direction she’d left.

“I’m comin’ Cees! Wait for me!” Neal yelled as loud as he could, coughing past the hot wind forcing its way down his throat. He hoped Cici would call back for him, but there was nothing but the whooshing of the wind.

Choosing the direction he thought she’d gone, Neal ran as hard and fast as he could until he couldn’t feel the grass against his feet anymore. The hard dirt underneath him vanished and he felt nothing but warm air underneath his legs.

The sky stretched forever, above and below him. There was nothing but white light everywhere he could see, so bright it almost burned and he had to blink moisture back into his dry eyes.

“Cici?” Neal called out but choked on an acrid burning sensation in his lungs. He opened his eyes, widening them past the smoke to see an inferno raging around him. He tried to get up, but his pleather chair glued him to his seat. The crackle of fire around him pulled him under and heat washed over him like scorching water, consuming every pore.

He was encompassed in pain, so intense he couldn’t even scream, and for moments that seemed like lifetimes it was all he knew.

Until it stopped.

Neal opened his eyes. The silence rang in his ears and the darkness blinded him, swallowing him whole. But at least the pain was gone. The euphoria he’d become addicted to was back.

Cici was right. It was peaceful.

It was terrifying.

He screamed.

And then there was nothing.