Cheap Shot by Brittney Mulliner
Haley
I toldReid I would think about his offer of being friends, but that ended up being a lie. I couldn’t think about that or him or our future without my emotions washing over me. I was sick of crying. Sick of constantly being on the verge of another breakdown.
There hadn’t been any news from the officers I spoke to or the city police about arresting Jay. The fear of him finding me again kept me from leaving Ethan’s room. The girls had come over twice to visit and drop off notes from my classes for me. I appreciated their help almost as much as the space they were giving me.
I could tell they wanted to press for more information about what was going on, but I wasn’t ready to talk. Not about Jay or Reid.
The door swung open, and Ethan stepped inside holding a bag of what smelled like Thai food. “Hey, hope you’re hungry. I couldn’t decide what sounded good, so I got three different curries and pad thai.”
I stood from his desk and took the bag, peering inside at the pile of white containers. “It smells amazing.”
He dropped his duffle near his closet and ran his hand through his damp hair. “Are you staying on top of your assignments?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I’m actually ahead now.”
He grinned and took out the plates and utensils while I arranged the food. “Good, at least one of us has hope of leaving here with a degree.”
I rolled my eyes. He joked about not finishing all the time, but I knew he wouldn’t actually let that happen. He’d worked too hard for too long to not graduate.
“We’ll see.” I scooped rice onto my plate, and he moved next to me, filling his plate.
“What’s that mean?”
I shrugged. I wasn’t sure I was ready to say out loud what I’d been thinking. I didn’t want him to get mad or tell our parents. Plus, I couldn’t figure out if my emotions and recent events were dictating my thoughts.
“Come on, you can tell me anything.” He jumped onto his bed and leaned back against the wall, facing me.
It was strange how quickly things had changed between us. Since we left the arena after speaking to the officers, he rarely left my side. It took two days for him to go to class and practice. I had to call Benjamin to ask him to help me convince Ethan it was okay to leave me.
Thanks to one traumatizing event, the past several weeks of tension and fighting washed away. We both realized we needed each other. He apologized for trying to control me, and his teammates. He admitted he didn’t grasp the gravity of how our parents treated me. He was so caught up in his own world that he never saw things the way I did. There were plenty of tears shed by both of us, but we hashed out things that had been left unsaid for far too many years.
Since then, he’d been a completely different person. Although, he still disappeared for hours at a time, and hadn’t told me why but he didn’t ignore me anymore. We were closer than we’d ever been, and part of me didn’t want to ruin that. Not yet.
“It’s nothing. Just something I’ve been thinking about.”
His brow quirked. “Well, now you have to tell me.”
I sighed and poked my fork at a piece of chicken. “I’m not sure college is right for me.”
His head shot back. “What do you mean?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“Is it because of what happened? They’re going to take care of Jay. You won’t have to worry about him.”
I shook my head. He was a contributing factor, but that wasn’t it.
“Is it because of what happened last year? I guess you haven’t exactly had the best experiences so far.”
“Maybe that’s a part of it, but it’s just the classes in general. I’m a sophomore, and I have no idea what I want to major in. I don’t love any subject in particular, and I don’t have the slightest idea of what I want to do with my life. I just feel like I’m wasting time and money.”
He nodded slowly. “I probably would have been the same way if I wasn’t here for hockey.”
“It’s like I’m only here for the college experience, and honestly that hasn’t been great for me. I’ve been thinking about either taking a year off or trying a trade school. Like maybe cosmetology or massage therapy.”
I waited for his judgment to come. To tell me that was a waste of the time I’d already put in, but he just nodded. “That might not be a bad idea. I could see you enjoying working with people like that.”
Relief washed over me. He didn’t yell or tell me it was a stupid idea.
“I’m not set on anything yet, I’ve just been thinking about it.”
“That’s fair. Can I ask one thing of you?”
I nodded.
“Just don’t make any decisions until everything with Jay is settled. I don’t want that to influence you. I want you to be able to have a clear head when you decide.”
“Okay,” I sighed. “That’s probably a good idea.”
He titled his head and smiled. “I’m proud of you. Not just for coming forward and pressing charges against him, but for doing what’s right for you. It’s easy to go through life following the path people expect of you, but that’s not always what’s best for you.”
I bit my lip. His words brought back the memory of my last conversation with Reid. The one I’d worked so hard to ignore for these past several days. What was best for us and what felt right were two different things.
“Hey? What are you thinking about?”
My eyes rose to meet his. “Reid and I agreed that it’s probably not the best timing for us to be together. He had a talk with the coaches that made him realize the same thing you told me. He has other priorities right now, and I would only be a distraction and drain on his time and energy. He mentioned that we could see how we feel after the season, and we could stay friends, but I’m not sure I can.”
He chewed slowly and swallowed before speaking. “I’m sorry. This is one of the times I wish I wasn’t right, but I’m glad you both were able to see things clearly and be responsible rather than giving in to your feelings.”
“It hurts now. I was falling for him.” I cleared my throat with a small cough. “But it would have hurt even more if he told me he needed space in a few months from now.”
He nodded. “He’s right too. Once the season is over, you guys can try again if you want to wait for him, but you don’t have to. You’re free to date or do whatever you want.” He paused. “I can talk to the football team and anyone else I warned off if I need to.”
The thought of dating anyone else made me queasy, especially with my past luck with men. I couldn’t trust myself. Reid was the only good man I’d been attracted to.
“It’s only going to be more complicated though. He’ll likely end up drafted and move before the summer is over.”
Ethan grinned. “Things always have a way of working out. If you are meant to be together, then I have no doubt you will figure out a way. It’s not like West Penn is the only college in the country, plus by then, you might have different plans of your own.”
He was right. I could always transfer if I needed to, or find a trade school close to wherever he was living. It wasn’t like I had any attachments to this place. I only ended up here as a last resort. I might miss the girls, but we could stay in touch. Ethan would be gone too, and even though that had been an appealing thought just a few days ago, I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay here without him.
There had never been a time in my life when I felt so off-kilter. So unsettled and unsure of what was coming. On one hand, there were endless possibilities. I simply had to pick one and hope it made me happy. But on the other, there were so many more chances to end up regretting my choices. Ending up hurt or alone. Again.
“Growing up is hard,” I mumbled.
“Yeah, it really is,” he said to his plate.
After we finished eating and put the leftovers away in the room’s small fridge, I settled in to work on copying notes when Ethan’s phone vibrated. He checked the screen and groaned. “I forgot about a study group. I’ve got to get going.”
He jumped off the bed and grabbed his backpack. “Will you be okay here alone?”
I wasn’t sure how much longer Reid was going to avoid coming home, and I didn’t really want to be here when he did, at least not without Ethan as a buffer, so I gathered my stuff.
“I should go back to my room and check in with the girls.”
He nodded, and we went to the door. He took the time to walk me to my dorm before jogging away.
I went upstairs and knocked on their doors but none of them answered, so I went to my room. Once I settled onto my bed, surrounded by my notes and laptop, I sent a text to the girls’ group message letting them know I was back in my room and hoped to see them soon.
Sadie and Krystal replied immediately that they were in class and would come by once they were done. Cassie said she was busy until later tonight, and Ella didn’t reply. She was probably in class or lab and couldn’t get to her phone.
I sent another text to Ethan assuring him I was fine and the girls were coming over later and he replied with a thumbs up.
My phone stared back at me. Taunting me. Daring me to reach out to Reid, but I wasn’t sure what to say.
I hadn’t decided whether or not being friends was something I could handle. Could I suppress my feelings for him enough to be platonic? Could I forget how it felt to kiss him? To be held by him?
I wasn’t sure I wanted to, but if things could work between us, I would have to try.
Could I wait until April to be with him? That seemed like a small sacrifice in the grand scheme of things, but what if he changed his mind in that time? What if space allowed him to see things clearly? What if he realized he was better off without someone with so much baggage?
That rejection would cut through me.
It already felt like an anvil was hanging over my head while I tried to sort out my emotions. Would that feeling only get worse in the months of waiting to see how things would work out? I couldn’t live like that. The unknowing would kill me.
The easiest answer was to cut things off now and go our separate ways. Completely forget how we felt about each other and move on. No strings attached.
But even the thought of that made my chest tighten.
I didn’t want to date anyone else. I didn’t want to give up on him. On us.
If only I could fast forward through the next several months, then I would know how things worked out. We could get to the good part and start the next chapter of our lives.
I had so much faith in the two of us. We’d only known each other for a month or so, but it felt like so much longer. He knew me in ways no one else ever had. He allowed me to be whoever I needed to be, weak or strong. He challenged me without making me feel controlled or like I wasn’t enough. He wanted me to reach my potential.
He was what I wanted.
Why couldn’t this be easier? If all that mattered was how we felt, then I wouldn’t have had to waste a single thought debating. But life wasn’t that simple.
A knock sounded on my door, and I slid off my bed. It was probably Sadie or Krystal just in time to listen to my mental breakdown.
I swung open the door and froze as my breath left my body.