Duke-ing It Out by Jami Albright
Duke
I’ve never been more miserable in my life. I push away from the table and resist the urge to unbutton my pants. Unlike the woman across from me, I can’t put another bite into my mouth. She’s still going at it and only has a few pieces of steak left on her plate. “How?”
She grins. “I’m motivated.”
I shake my head. “You are crazy.”
Her fork stabs at the last piece of meat, and she pops it into her mouth. “As a fox.”
Celeste returns to the table. “It looks like we have a winner.”
Sienna grins up at her. “Girl power.”
“Let me go get the camera.” Celeste bites her lip. “We kind of make a big production of it. I hope that’s okay.”
“Um … sure.”
“I’ll be right back.”
Sienna goes a little pale, and I wonder if her dinner isn’t about to reappear. “I can’t be recognized.” She pulls her bag into her lap and pulls out a pair of black-rimmed glasses and a ball cap.
I lift my brow.
The glasses slide onto her face and the cap goes onto her head. “I always carry a disguise.”
I snort. “You’re a regular James Bond.”
She grins. “I know.”
“I was kidding. That’s a terrible disguise.” I see Celeste and a guy wearing the same outfit as the waitstaff, but instead of a bandana around his neck, he has a bolo tie.
Celeste motions to the guy. “This is my manager, Bill. Bill, this is …”
“Candy.” Sienna answers, and I bite back a laugh.
“Candy,” our waitress repeats.
Sienna bats her eyes behind the glasses. “Is that Bill of Pokey Bill’s fame?”
The guy blushes. “He’s my dad.”
“Still, I feel like I’m in the presence of greatness. The apple must not fall far from the tree.”
Celeste covers a laugh with a cough.
Bill reaches out his hand to assist Sienna out of her seat. She goes willingly. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he announces. “Tonight, Candy will join our other all-stars on the wall of fame. She conquered the Billy Buster.”
The room erupts into applause. Sienna strikes a pose, by popping a hip and raising the hand on the uninjured side of her body into the air. So much for keeping a low profile.
Bill hands Sienna a T-shirt. She doesn’t put it on, but holds it in front of her. It reads I ate it all at Pokey Bill’s. Then Bill throws his arm around the champ and says, “Smile, Candy.” Celeste snaps a photo, and the room claps again.
Before she leaves the table, Celeste places the check in front of me for my steak. “Sorry.”
I hand her my credit card. “I don’t really think you’re sorry at all.”
She laughs. “I’ll be right back.”
I look over at Sienna, and she’s put the T-shirt on. “You’re really going to wear that?”
“Every chance I get.”
Celeste returns with my card and the credit slip for me to sign. “It was really nice meeting you two. Y’all come back and see us.”
She walks away from the table, and I look at the bill.
“How much are you going to tip her?”
“Five hundred dollars.”
“I knew it. Double it, and I’ll Venmo you the money.”
I grin at her. For some reason, this makes me enormously happy.
“I like to take care of my fans.”
“Me too.” I wink.
She stands. “Shut up. Let’s get out of here before I puke.”
“I knew you felt as bad as me.”
“Worse because I won.”
We push through the front door of the restaurant. I pull the keys from my pocket and suck in a lungful of air. “You are indeed a champion.”
She points at me. “You owe me.”
I raise my hands. “I pay my debts.” I’m not too worried about this bet. A few days in Ryder is all it’s going to take to change her mind about being normal.
The door behind us bursts open, and Celeste runs out. “Wait.”
We stop, and she runs straight into my arms, tears streaking down her face. “Thank you so much.”
My arms automatically go around her. “It wasn’t just me. Candy and I both left the tip.”
She throws herself at Sienna. “Thank you so much. This is enough for me to pay my rent this month. You guys are the best. I never thought Sienna Ramsey would show up in my section on a Wednesday night.”
Sienna holds Celeste by the shoulders. “You know?”
The single mom wipes her eyes. “Yes, but don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”
“That would probably be best.” Sienna digs into her bag and pulls out a card. She jots down a number. “This is my accountant’s number. I’ll send her a message tonight, and you give her a call tomorrow afternoon. Tell her how much your rent is, and she’ll send you enough to pay it for the year.”
“No. I can’t let you—”
“You’re not letting me. I want to do it. That way I know you and Lily are taken care of, and it will give you time to get your feet underneath you.” Sienna smooths one of Celeste’s stray hairs behind her ear. “My money’s on you, mama. You’re going to do great.”
Celeste hugs her again. “Thank you. I better get back to work.” She turns to go back into the building but stops at the door. “You’re incredible,” she says to Sienna.
And I have to agree.
* * *
“We need two rooms, please,”I say to the kid behind the registration desk. His name tag reads Raymond. The guy can’t be out of his teens if the acne dotting his cheeks is any indication.
The hotel we found is only holding onto that title by the thinnest of threads, but Sienna told me she wouldn’t stay in a motel unless I paid her by the hour.
The woman is crazy.
“Ray … can I call you Ray?” she says to Raymond and gives him her most winning smile.
“Um, yeah … I guess.”
“Fabulous. I’m Delilah.” She extends her hand across the desk.
He takes her outstretched fingers warily. “Nice to meet you.” Clearly not many guests introduce themselves to Raymond.
“Ray, can we get adjoining rooms?” She wraps her arm around my elbow. I’m so shocked that for a second, I can’t move. “You see, we’re engaged, but Johnny here”—her head rests on my bicep—“insists we wait until marriage. If you know what I mean?”
Ray stares at me for a moment.
My senses come back to me faster than the kid. “You should stop … Delilah.” I have no idea why I just called her that. But that crazy Clyde part of me is curious to see where she goes with this.
“You know, S. E. X,” she whispers across the desk.
A startled “Oh” escapes from between Raymond’s lips. The crimson bleeding into his face starts at his hairline and disappears into his plaid shirt. I’m 100 percent sure that the blush extends all the way to his toes.
She snuggles into my arm and closes her eyes like I’m the dreamiest thing she’s ever seen. “It’s because he used to be a man of the cloth, but he got kicked out for embezzlement.” She whispers the last word like it’s too horrible to say out loud. “Anyway, while he has no problem stealing from people, he wouldn’t dare fornicate before marriage.”
The kid’s forehead crinkles like an accordion. “Fornicate?”
“Bumping uglies. Hiding the salami. A bit of the old in-out, in-out. Afternoon delight. Bam-bam in the ham. Taking old one-eye to the optometrist. Boinking. Buttering the biscuit. The forbidden polka. Getting—”
“I’m pretty sure he’s got the picture.” I try to pull my arm away, but she clings to it like a spider monkey. I could stop this, but I’d have to make a scene to do it.
“So, doing it.” Raymond looks like he’d rather be anywhere but here.
“Well, yes. And I keep hoping he’ll give into temptation, so I’d like to be close in case he, you know …” She winks at the kid.
“Gets horny.”
Sienna reaches across the desk and pats the kid on the hand. “Exactly.”
Raymond’s open-mouthed gaze bounces from her to me, then back to her. Finally, he closes his mouth and begins clicking computer keys. “Um, yeah, I have adjoining rooms.” He takes my license and gets us registered in record time.
I finally disentangle her from my arm. This has to stop, no matter if I embarrass her or not. “She’s crazy. I’m not a—”
“No judgment here, Reverend? Father? Brother? I don’t know what to call you.”
Sensing defeat, I give in to the madness. “Johnny’s fine.”
He processes our keys through the machine. “We’ve all done things we’re not proud of, Johnny.” A pen and a receipt are pushed across the desk to me. “Can you sign here?”
“Sure.” I don’t like the way he’s looking at me. Once the paper has my signature, I hand it back to him. “I guess all we need are the keys.”
“Oh, yeah.” He picks them up and hands them to me. Before I can take them, he grabs them back. “Um … I wonder if you could help me with something?”
“What can I do for you?” The sinking feeling in my gut tells me I have a pretty good idea of what he’s about to say.
“It’s just that …” He cuts his eyes toward Sienna.
She smiles and makes a rolling motion with her hand. “Go ahead, Ray. Confession is good for the soul.”
I will kill her.
“Well, my girl and I took things a little too far last weekend, and it’s been eating me up inside.” He shakes his head. “I’ve been taught to wait until marriage, too, but she’s so hot, and I was weak.”
I can see Sienna chewing on the inside of her cheek. No way can I make eye contact with her, or I will lose it. “It’s alright, son. We’re all weak sometimes. You have no idea how many times today I’ve thought of doing bodily harm to someone.” I cut my eyes to Sienna. “Like, outright murder.”
Sienna does laugh then but covers it with a cough. “He’s right, Ray, none of us are perfect.”
The kid nods. “I know you’re right, but …” His dark eyes slide from the left to the right like he’s casing the joint. “Could you pray for me, Johnny?”
The troublemaking stowaway next to me gives me an adoring smile, but mischief is dancing right behind her eyes. “I think you could do that for Ray, to ease his conscience.”
Her death will be slow and painful. I swear it.
“Fine.”
Sienna makes a circle with her hands then presses her palms together in prayer. “Let us pray.”
I suck air into my lungs, then expel it with all the annoyance I can muster and bow my head. “Lord, please be with Raymond here. He’s clearly sorry for his transgression. Help him to withstand the temptation of the flesh in the future.”
Sienna’s snort is disguised by clearing her throat. “Amen. That—”
“And Lord help me to withstand the temptation to wring the neck of the person who’s tormenting me.” She may think I’m playing, but this is a real plea from me to the big guy. “And help Delilah with her impulse control issues. Amen.”
The boy’s face is flushed, but a giant smile splits his face. “Thank you, Johnny. I feel a lot better.”
I resist the urge to shake my head. “I’m glad, son.” We stand in silence for several beats. “Can I get our keys?”
“Oh, shit, yeah. Here you go.” He slides them to me, then waves. “Y’all have a good night. Praise the Lord.”
Sienna throws one arm into the air and shouts, “Praise the Lord and amen.”
“You know, you look familiar, Delilah. Have we met?”
My companion ducks her head. “No, I’m sure I would’ve remembered you, Ray.”
My turn. “Delilah’s quite a famous adult entertainer, Do Me Delilah. Have you heard of her?”
“Yes. I think I have.” The kids lying face isn’t near as good as Sienna’s.
“So, while you may not have met in person, you may have seen her on the internet somewhere, or at least parts of her.”
“Oh, yeah.” The kid’s eyes practically bug out of his head, and I have to gnaw my cheek to keep from laughing.
“Retired,” Sienna says to the ground.
I lean forward. “Pardon, Delilah, we didn’t hear you.”
She slips her fake glasses on. “I said I’m retired from the adult entertainment industry. Now I’m Do The Lord’s Work Delilah. I travel with Johnny trying to find a congregation to shepherd.” Her smile is angelic.
I swallow a snort. I have to give it to her. She’s good.
“Well, a congregation that doesn’t mind that he’s a criminal and I’m an ex-adult film star.” She shrugs. “It’s been tougher than you might think.” Her arms go around mine again. “Isn’t that right, lovey?”
“That’s right, buttercup.”
Raymond nods like his brain is about to explode.
I take the keys and head for the elevator, renewing my prayer to not do bodily harm to this maddening, infuriating, crazy woman.